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16 years, 2 kids and blindsided

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hdybrh posted 12/31/2018 17:00 PM

Lots of good insight. So I did get access to phone, emails and texts to pin a lot of the time line and communication. I actually have always had her gmail on my phone for the linked calendar feature so it was as easy as a single click to get all emails. She's not that tech savvy because the trash held some of it. It was PAINFUL to see and the parts that should have been sanitized when I confronted her were just tears because I saw the proof and it was spelled out with scheduling and emails. I saw the emails turn more progressive "he's okay with us being friends, but I probably have feelings for you that I shouldn't"... hello slippery slope as well as Quora postings for "answers" she needed to help guide her with her confusion around "loving" two people. And thinking back to that time she was a rock for me emotionally vs. withdrawing as most would do but then also betraying me at the same time but conveniently not seeing it that way. In the thick of the affair. It was the f'ed up delusional fantasy that as she says she thought she could live with a life where she was in love with two men and it worked out (pictured us being friends!)... which is why when it happened she talked about her "friend" who felt polyamory was okay and I gave my two cents that it for sure wasn't... damage was already done. And maybe some people are cool with an open marriage There was still a chance then to come clean. She bought these whacked e-books about how this line of thinking was okay (with our credit card). And an engraved bible for him after the first mess up. That was pretty brazen. So there's a lot to unpack for her and me individually. The act and the choices are abhorrent, gross and disgusting. So out of character for her and she's never had any relationships even remotely like this one as friends.

And the scheduling around when I was away for babysitting all still in the calendar. It all checked out and most of my follow up questions have been answered, first with "why do you need to know" and then info. I understand this reads as delusional from me but regardless of whether there's more or not the hardest things are still there whether it was 4 8 or 12. (I wasn't traveling much and we have trouble with babysitting and she's the stay at home mom... While some things can for sure be in doubt, I believe this was the first and only).

As for the PT, this was after he was providing care. Not that seeds couldn't have been planted when she was under his care. And I knew a lot about the guy because she would talk about all the shit he was going through. I know about his family crap and even his past girlfriends. A lot of this came out before they consummated but when the emotional tie happened she was out of his care. Certainly something I could report but I do not want to.

I am a child of divorce. My kids are in therapy for social emotional issues already and need a solid support system. I acknowledge this as a worst case and a possibility but we both want to do all we can to avoid it which is understandably a long messy road. regardless. 24 hours ago our marriage seemed as good as it had ever been and she had turned the page and dealt with the pain of her choices. (She talked to three trusted people about it after it was broken off who reiterated she was an idiot) But I agree this is something that will take a lot of time and a lot of work.

What do people think about who to talk to to help me process? Talked ot my two best friends which was great and will line up counseling. Want to talk to my Dad (she said "as much as it hurts you talk to whoever you need to") but I can just envision the weight of this over the relationship if we R. This isn't just for her it's for me too. (What's up awkward Thanksgiving) Similar if I talk to others who know nothing of us that I poison the well. One of the people she confided in back in the Spring cut off contact because she was so disgusted.

hdybrh posted 12/31/2018 17:03 PM

And as for reporting the guy, I feel strongly not to do that. He's single and knowing what I know about him and his depression (yeah I know a lot) I can't do it. I pray he will someday not make choices that ruin families and marriages.

Actually was thinking of a yelp review, "If you want awesome physical therapy AND free adultery, look no further..."

[This message edited by hdybrh at 5:05 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

firenze posted 12/31/2018 17:06 PM

And as for reporting the guy, I feel strongly not to do that. He's single and knowing what I know about him and his depression (yeah I know a lot) I can't do it. I pray he will someday not make choices that ruin families and marriages.

Valuing him more than the other husbands whose lives he will happily participate in wrecking is not a decision I can support at all. I think it's cruel of you. His life is not worth the wreckage he creates.

Skan posted 12/31/2018 17:16 PM

Individual counseling (IC) for both of you, I think, would be the greatest help that you can have **as long as** the counselors are experienced in infidelity counseling. It owning your shit and figuring out the deep whys, and NOT into rug sweeping. Marriage counseling (MC) right now is probably a waste of your time and money because frankly, until your WW can figure out why she felt that infidelity was an OK answer to whatever question(s) she had, and until she is utterly committed to being truthful and honest, there isn't a marriage to be counseled about. Only the ruins of one that she threw away.

And keep posting here. I would be VERY hesitant about giving your WW access to this site until and unless she really starts doing the work because this can be your safe spot to seek help. Unremorseful, uncommitted waywards who come here quite often read their BSs posts to figure out how to either rugsweep successfully, or to gain "ammunition" against their BS.

A book that I highly recommend is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." Click on the Amazon button on the forum page and search for it. It's the best, IMO, primer of what the basic, concrete steps are that waywards need to commit to, to help their spouses. You should read it too, because it will let you know that everything cray-cray thing that you're feeling, is utterly normal. Hopefully, this is a resource that the two of you will go back to again and again. "Not JUST Friends" is another really good book.

Mene posted 12/31/2018 17:22 PM

I don’t know where to start with this one.

She’s lying to you. There’s more to this. Four times in 18 months? With someone who was “amazing”? She’s minimising and blameshofting, too. Bad sign.

OK, she needs to give you access to her phone and any electronic media she has. Move on this quickly before she goes on a deletion phase. If she has an android phone and a google account you can trace her whereabouts for the last 18 months. You’ll know exactly where she has gone. If she’s got an iPhone you can do the same.

And this next action is very, very important. Please report him to the state regulator of his profession. He has clearly without any doubt breached patient-provider Ethics. DO NOT LET THIS PIECE OF SHIT OFF THE HOOK. He didn’t give a damn about you nor your children. Destroy his life. Because if you don’t, he’ll continue destroying other families. He’s low life scum and his depression IS NO EXCUSE!

[This message edited by Mene at 5:27 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

fareast posted 12/31/2018 18:01 PM

hdybrh:

Sorry you are here. Please read in the healing library. You are still in shock from your revelation of your WW’s A. This is very new for you although your WW has had time to process. You should both be in IC. You should both read “How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by McDonald. It is a short book but very insightful. She should also read: “Not Just Friends”. I agree with kaygem that you both have cheated. Have you confessed your EA to your WW? You will both need to be honest to each other to move ahead.

It seems your WW is feeling some remorse. Be vigilant. Exercise, eat healthy, and stay away from alcohol. It will help you deal with the stress. You know your WW better than any of us internet strangers. There are common behaviors and patterns that cheaters tend to follow including minimizing and lying about their infidelity. Some of the comments may seem harsh but they are based on experience. Whether these patterns apply to your WW is up to you to decide. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Take care of yourself. It does not matter whether you decide to D or R, you will receive support. It is your life and your family, and you decide what is best for you. You are the one who will have to live with your decision. It sounds like your WW is transparent with her phone and devices. This will be a long journey with ups and downs. Good luck moving forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:22 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

totallydumb posted 12/31/2018 18:03 PM

Why is it that we see new BS that have a hard time exposing the affair?

OP, please read a few of the older threads in the JFO forum. Almost all of them start out the same sad way. For one excuse or another the BS hesitates to expose.... only to find out later that this is usually the best course of action.

Butforthegrace posted 12/31/2018 18:25 PM

Hybrid, your thread so far reeks of beginner error. Apologizing for your WW. Soft "pick me dance" themes. Afraid of outing the AP. Please understand that everything you are doing at this point is the wrong thing. Like so many posters here on SI, you think your situation is special and unique and your outcome will be good despite your beginner mistakes. It won't be.

Good luck as you stumble and fall. We'll be here to pick you up when you're ready.

self-rescuer posted 12/31/2018 18:36 PM

You are early early early in this process and there are many emotions yet to come.

You need to pace yourself.

You feel an urgency to reclaim the life you had. We have all been there. It takes a while to completely internalize that your life is forever changed.

Unfortunately, I agree with many of the others and believe that your wife is minimizing the scope of her affair. And her declaration of love for this guy should give you pause.

My suggestion is to really focus on your health. Get outside, stay hydrated, find something that is appealing to eat - take care of your body. I'd also suggest you spend time with your kids without your wife. Children can recharge our spirits and are the sweetest distraction. Spending time with them alone will allow you to be completely engaged with them while minimizing triggers. No time spent with your children is ever wasted and it will be healing.

This will not be a short journey, my friend. Please know that there are so many souls on this site that want nothing more then for you to be out of infidelity and moving toward peace. Keep reading and posting.

Robert22205https posted 12/31/2018 19:37 PM

You should report the OM to his employer and/or licensing authority because he's taking advantage of the trust/emotional vulnerability of his patients.

He has a history of preying on patients.

If you fail to report him, his next victim is your responsibility.

Report him and do not give him or your wife advance notice.

Robert22205https posted 12/31/2018 19:39 PM

Save all evidence where your wife can not destroy.

Marauder posted 12/31/2018 20:43 PM

And as for reporting the guy, I feel strongly not to do that. He's single and knowing what I know about him and his depression (yeah I know a lot) I can't do it. I pray he will someday not make choices that ruin families and marriages.
Actually was thinking of a yelp review, "If you want awesome physical therapy AND free adultery, look no further..."

You're more worried about this guy than yourself, the women he's going after and the families he's ruining. That to me is questionable. This guy is in a position where he works with vulnerable people he is supposed to give care to, he abuses the trust and access he has to engage in predatory behaviour. Absolutely do expose him, he deserves it. Hell, for all you know the whole "depression" on his part is complete bullshit he made up. I wouldn't put it beyond such a person.

Almost all of them start out the same sad way. For one excuse or another the BS hesitates to expose.... only to find out later that this is usually the best course of action.

It's quite amazing isn't it? The pick me dance especially doesn't do them any favour if they want to repair their relationship. It usually kills it for good, compromises their position and helps the partner rationalize and excuse their actions as "even the BS acts as if they caused it".

While bringing the thunder and carpet bombing the entire thing, from WS to AP usually does wonders.

[This message edited by Marauder at 8:46 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/31/2018 22:34 PM

You mentioned that you have access to her gmail.
If you feel the need, go to her gmail page, on the left side of the page is a list, sent, drafts, etc.
Scroll down until you hit "All Mail" most people don't know that gmail saves most everything forever unless you delete, delete, delete.

There's a good chance that all of her deleted mails, sent and received and deleted will be there. Depends on if you want to see more of her emails.

tmacfire posted 12/31/2018 23:25 PM

Sorry you are here. She is lying about everything. Blow his and her world up. Report to his employer and pro board. Why should you give a shit about his depression or career? He violated a code of ethics and should be held responsible as should your wife! Take care of you

Walkingthewire posted 1/1/2019 01:30 AM

Sounds similar to my story.
I was here in the states with 2 special needs kids when his job sent him overseas for 5 months and I couldn't go. In September he started his affair and she says they slept together 5 times and he admits that many times too.
I found out because I had the AP message me on FB at 3am dec9 '18.
The only thing I can say is breathe. I had back to back panic attacks that once and for days after.
I'm like your wife. Stay at home mom, trying to find me. But I never went outside marriage to find it.
I miss who we were before but that time is gone now. I spend so much time making sure hea kept his promise to me. Which is kind of ironic because I made him promise before he left he wouldn't hook up with some hoebag that showed him attention in a bar.

hdybrh posted 1/1/2019 03:49 AM

Thank you all for the insight and comfort. Just got seven hours of good sleep! And then woke up to good half-hour of crying it out. Really focusing on myself and tackling all of it one step at a time... ready for the marathon of working through everything.

I've spent a fair amount of time talking to my WS with most of it in the "how could you!?!" line of discussion and also gathering more details. I'm using blunt facts as weapons as a way to feel better and continue to shine light on what happened. I'm not leaning on her but it's part of the processing.

It's so strange to now recoil from a attempted comforting touch from this person I had complete trust in.

I can already see that life is forever changed. I know that deeply already and the vision of any and all possible paths forward does not include what was. It is for sure like mourning. Even if I stay married there's been a death of what was before when there was complete trust. Bringing back the previous intimacy or connection can't happen. It's funny because it's my WS who is delusional that it can happen, asking me to think about all the good and happy parts of our marriage, having a goal of working to get it back... sorry while those memories are real and they were great all I can think about is how she took all that was good and tainted it, cast it aside for sex... oh I'm sorry LOVE!

I understand that my mindset and outlook will change over the coming months. Thank you for the support.

steadychevy posted 1/1/2019 05:21 AM

My WW said the same thing to me, hdybrh, to remember all the good times, happy times, family times we had. I don't remember what she said exactly but very similar to your WW. I said to her that if it wasn't important or good enough for her why would it be for me. It's part of doing damage control on her part. Just forget about what I did, remember all the good stuff and we'll just moved on. Rugsweep the bad shit and embrace how we are together. It's a good strategy - if it works for them.

ShutterHappy posted 1/1/2019 07:58 AM

hdybrh,

To give you a little bit of context, most posters on your thread are regular SI posters and they read hundreds of stories and those stories follow a few common pattern.

Your story follows a pattern too. Your WW (Wayward Wife) says it’s a mistake (it’s not). Most WS minimizes (e.g. “we only had sex 4 times”) and TT (trickle truth). You didn’t get blamshifting yet but it may come (I cheated because you didn’t bring the milk wednesday night)

The most important part is to get out of infidelity. This can be done either through R (reconciliation) or D (divorce). You don’t have to decide now and you can pick one and change your mind later. The good people of SI don’t know yet which way it will go so they give you advice that applies to both D or R.

Here is some general suggestions:
- talk to friends and family, get a support network.
- use separate bedrooms for now, no more intimacy!
- get tested for STD. WW should be tested too.
- explain to you WW that cheating will have consequences, it will hurt you for years to come and you may decide to divorce her

If you are leaning towards R:
- Ask that she starts IC.
- Ask for a detailed timeline, including everything that they did together. Tell her that you will do a polygraph and any lies will be ground for D.
- Ask her if it’s the first time she cheats (another potential polygraph question)
- NC (no contact) with the AP whatsoever.
- accept that your marriage is dead and a new one will need to be rebuilt

I also agree with another poster stating that your WW being in love with the AP is worrisome. Is she still in love with him? How do you know the affair ended?

You say she is remorseful... Why?

I wish you strength, you will get through this and we will help you.

Post often.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:01 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Robert22205https posted 1/1/2019 08:57 AM

She has had a hard few years emotionally as a stay at home mom searching for her identity and purpose. I did not give her the quality time or listening ear she needed, not an excuse, but a cause

Hey....married people (including stay at home moms) have issues, problems, disappointments etc but they don't cheat.

Your wife choose/let herself fall in love (which is not an excuse to cheat) and then she allowed the 'friendship' to become sexual. None of her decisions are in any way attributable to you or the state of your relationship.

It also sounds like she rationalized her affair by convincing herself that poly was acceptable (even when you said no to poly).


Wool94 posted 1/1/2019 09:10 AM

hdybrh, welcome to SI. It's such a fun and happy place to be.

You never dreamed you'd be here. Neither did we. What you are going through is pure hell.

You do have a saving grace though. Most of us had to find out about our spouses affairs the hard way. I'm not saying she's being truthful by any means, but it's rare that they come out and confess. That's a great thing if you both are wanting to stay married.

I know you are still within your first 24hrs or so of finding out. You are probably also in total shock. What you are feeling is totally natural.

You asked about who to tell. I told everyone I knew. But, at the time, my wife said she was done with the marriage, so I had nothing to lose.

My friends and family were awesome. I work in a factory of about 1200 people... yeah..I blew it out of the water...I had people i barely knew confiding in me about their wive's affairs. I even had former Waywards confiding as well.

My preacher and his wife, who I consider my own brother and sister, were really there for me. They were also really there for us when we decided to reconcile.

I can't recall what the point of my post was, but I wanted to say that you'll make it through this. We all did. My marriage is stronger now than it ever has been.

It changed me in a lot of ways though. I used to be a doormat at work, at home, at life in general. It really opened my eyes though. I realized it was time to take care of myself.

I stopped taking crap and started doing what i wanted to or needed to do.

God bless...

PS...I concur (my big word for the day) with the motion of turning this guy in.

My wife's AP was also a "great" guy who was "suffering" from depression.

After my wife found out what a great guy he was from all of our neighbors and the wives that he hit on, she finally saw him for the piece of shit he is.

You both need to see this guy for what he is.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:12 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

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