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16 years, 2 kids and blindsided

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steadychevy posted 1/2/2019 17:31 PM

The professional acts are in place to protect the public. I was President of the Professional Association for my profession. The acts usually indicate the minimal amounts of professional development required in a year and over some longer time frame. For mine it was 3 years. The rest of the act is about professional conduct, how the public can report and the extent of disciplinary action including eviction from the profession.

There will be an association for physiotherapists. You should be able to look them up on the internet and contact them and you can file a complaint. This will be serious business for the association. Please do this. It is a moral issue. Don't do it to harm him but to protect other people if that makes your conscience feel better.

I'm a born again Christian. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord but you are responsible to protect others if you can. Go to the Professional Association and lodge a complaint. There will be a disciplinary body within the association to deal with it. Don't let others come to harm. Please.

squid posted 1/2/2019 21:24 PM

I think you are focusing too much on the OM than focusing on how your WW could give herself permission to betray you. While I agree that reporting him to the proper authorities is the right thing to do in order to prevent further damage to others, it shouldn't take that much of your head space.

Your WW went through some Herculean mental gymnastics to justify cheating. She's the one you should be focusing on. It's good that she's trying to be as transparent as possible. Many times at this stage after being discovered, the WS's are in a panicked damage control mode. They'll say anything so as to not "lose their cake".

Time will tell. She should be taking the initiative and doing all of the heavy lifting of R. If there comes a change in her demeanor where she begins pushing back or becomes defensive, well, that's her true character emerging from behind her mask.

You already gotten excellent advice from some of the true sages of SI. I do hope you pay attention to them all. Every, and I mean EVERY story here has so many common themes. And yours fits that mold. We hate to see BS's flounder thinking that their wayward isn't like the rest of them. It sounds like your trying to approach this with an open mind. You're in for a long, painful journey whether you decided to R or D.

I'm really sorry you're here. Best of luck to you.

MickeyBill2016 posted 1/2/2019 22:08 PM

I believe as a Christian in forgiveness and profound forgiveness at that

It's fine for you to forgive him and the for the Lord to forgive him but the great state of ___________ licensing board may be a little more hard nosed about healthcare professionals crossing lines with patients.

When you think of it, he's got an endless supply of potential APs. He knows there will always be a couple women like your wife with a lack of boundaries. He knows if they have good insurance they may be coming in for 2-3 months, so he can take his time.

Mene posted 1/2/2019 23:32 PM

You are protecting an asshole whose actions could potentially destroy your family? What is wrong with people?

Read what I’m writing to you below:

He had sex with your wife! At least 4 times. How was his depression during that time? Did he commit suicide after he had sex with her? Obviously not.

Did he think of you and your family? Obviously not. He couldn’t care less if your children were in a separated family where they’d see you perhaps half the time.

REPORT HIM TO THE AUTHORITIES. Even if you are not doing it for yourself, you are protecting other families he will prey on. Be a responsible adult and do this. FFS. Just do it.

ronjs posted 1/2/2019 23:48 PM

I’m sorry for your extreme pain and the terrible experience you are going through.

For many years, I was a highly experienced healthcare professional, treating people with all types of mental disorders/illnesses etc.

To become involved, with a patient is a sackable offence!

It is a betrayal of power and trust.

Your wife’s counsellor would be well aware of this and he should be terminated, deregistered and never be allowed to work again, in his profession. He is a disgrace! He is highly destructive.

I’m surprised that other professionals, have not picked up on his behaviour and acted accordingly.

God bless you brother


hdybrh posted 1/3/2019 05:56 AM

The opinions on the actions to be done against the OM are heard loud and clear. My opinion is very different today about letting him slide. It has also been hard as I’ve dug into more of the timeline seeing how she pursued him too. She chased him as much as he chased her and accepts blame. After care was done she offered to take him to lunch as a thank you and had to ask twice... that is going after it and was hard to see.

As it was said my focus should be and is on my WS and my own well-being. The fantasy world is being shattered and the gravity of it for my WS is clearly real. It will take a lot of IC to really unpack but what I see and hear is disgust and contrition. She knows that OM was no where near what she needed as a person but constructed a fantasy to justify it. She wanted the guy who could fill in the gaps that I couldn’t provide and have her cake and eat it too. At the time she “had to find out” if he could be all she needed and was this magical twin flame and built a elaborate fantasy of it being okay to still love and be with her husband. Now she’s seeing it for what it is, sex with a messed up, deeply flawed player which ruined a marriage. She fell into a trap trying to save him from his problems (real or not) and in the process lost herself and possibly her marriage. She took a good man that she loved and still does and hurt him more than ever before.

Her friends earlier that she told earlier expressed disappointment and told her she was stupid. There is no support among any of them that know for her actions and never was, now just compassion for us. There is also her realization that those we talk to will forever see this in her. Staying with me is a life of those people (though we are limiting the list) silently (or openly) judging her. A painful and rocky road of ever seeing if intimacy could be reclaimed. Accepting that hard months and years are ahead.

While there’s drama we are trying to deal in facts and lean on the resources that will give clarity and peace. Everyday is a roller coaster of progress offset by deep anger and sadness. All that we can do is take the steps of honesty, counseling, prayer and introspection over a long time to see where it gets us. Thank you all for taking the time to share your perspective, compassion and advice. It is helpful to share.

Bigger posted 1/3/2019 06:16 AM

She wanted the guy who could fill in the gaps that I couldn’t provide

This implies there were things missing in you.

One of the very few constants agreed on here on SI is that infidelity is NEVER because of what the betrayed spouse does or does not do.
This is SO important. Why? Well… if your wife cheated because of something you did or did not do or provide then there isn’t really any way to prevent a repeat. You could get over this instance, but then in 2023 you forget to take out the trash two days in a row and she again needs some “polyamory”. After all – YOUR actions made her need to cheat.

If she needed something, then she could have asked for it. She could have made it happen. She could demand it. But she can’t decide to go and have an affair.

I realize I might come across as firm. I really hope you two work things out, but a KEY to working this out is dealing with things from reality.

steadychevy posted 1/3/2019 06:23 AM

I agree the focus should be on your WW and marriage from a decision making stance. You can't fix her. She has to fix herself. She also has to support you in your healing by not hindering your healing. Focus on yourself is more important. Get psychological help to deal with the trauma. For you. It's an investment in you. You are worth it.

Reporting this to the professional association won't take much focus. You find out how to do it and file a complaint. Later you may be required (probably) to provide details in person at a hearing of some sort. Your WW, if she is really into reconciliation, can support you and provide details. This is part of retribution and assisting you in healing. There are consequences.

I get quite disturbed when someone has a legitimate complaint about a professional but doesn't do anything about it. The perpetrator has no consequence to change behaviour. We had a disciplinary committee in my profession. How many other complaints were never filed for every one that was? This is what the professional acts are for. To protect the public. By not reporting you are complicit in harming the public - future clients and patients. Nothing may come of it (I hope something does) but a record will be in his professional membership file. Do the right thing even if it is inconvenient for you.

Ripped62 posted 1/3/2019 06:27 AM


I am sorry you have to experience the pain and trauma of your wife's infidelity. Please take care of yourself. You need to focus on your healing.

Is your wife doing the work to become a "safe spouse?" If you do not mind sharing what actions has she taken? Much of the success or failure on repairing your relationship is dependent on her.

Many on this site have rebuilt their marriage. I hope the two of you are able to do so.

My thoughts are with you and your wife on your journey out of infidelity.

Stevesn posted 1/3/2019 07:27 AM

Has she divulged the affair to her IC yet? If not, what’s the plan to do that. She needs an IC that specializes in Adultery. If hers is not that, I recommend she ask for a referral. Have you found your own IC?

Sounds like you are taking the right approach but the devil is in the detail. You should together be creating a plan toward reconciliation and sticking to it. It can be so easy to rug sweep.

Take the time to sit down and really discuss what you need to see from her to stay in this relationship and then make sure it happens especially months from now when day to day life starts to creep back in.

As for the POSOM, you’ve heard the recommendations on outing him professionally. It’s your decision how to proceed.

At some point you may no longer feel comfortable with him getting off so easy, knowing he’s moved on to his next target, showing another Client the fragile side of himself to get what he wants and damage another M.

But you are the victim here and should focus on your own healing. That’s the most important thing right now.

Take care.

Robert22205https posted 1/3/2019 07:58 AM

After care was done she offered to take him to lunch as a thank you and had to ask twice... that is going after it and was hard to see.

Your wife's apparent willingness is irrelevant to the strict standards of professional conduct required by the OM's professional association/licensing authority.

hdybrh posted 1/3/2019 08:47 AM

Some really helpful stuff here. I am so grateful that so many of you would take the time to do this.

I have been clear about what I need for this to work together. That she will need to be all in on me and our marriage and that she takes the psychologic work through IC to unpack the warped delusional world she created and why. If after IC and MC we are not 100% committed it can't work. She is going to share with a current IC but we are also going to see an infidelity specialist (that actually takes my insurance!) A lot of this relates to the previous question around what she is doing to be a "safe spouse". Some of these are taking from her actual words. Some of which were part of a reiterated 'no-contact" back to him after the POS texted her yesterday even after she said to never contact her again a week ago.

- We have set a foundation of complete honesty and openness. This has extended to her digital past and future which I monitor and specific details of the A. She has been non-defensive and contrite facing the facts of what she did. I have shared all I can about my EA.

- From the outset while expressing her desire to one day be worthy my trust and intimacy again but understands that if a D or separation is what I needed that she understands.

- She has accepted the the profound delusion of what she created. She is committed to counseling to "out the root of my unhappiness and delusions and why I ever turned my back on everything I ever believed." And that the pain of what they caused me is unbearable and that she failed.

- She is directing all of her energy into "fixing her broken marriage protecting her family and repairing the brokenness of her heart. "

- She accepts that fact that the only way to R is to turn the page on the POSOM for good. She came to the conclusion when she no contacted him before I found out and now it is far stronger as it become more real every day.

- She admitted that their actions "brought devastation to an honorable man, threatened the future happiness of my family" and that she will do "the work necessary to make things right."

-She has accepted that it will be a long time until I can even consider physical intimacy with her again. And she has respected and understood my need to distance and when and when not to physically touch me.

- As I discover more hurtful emails or elements from the past she is accepting of the wrong and remorseful.

I am still very angry at her. I am still hurt and each day is a roller coaster. My anger and hurt is accepted and borne by her but it is far from over. All things considered I am happy that this is the foundation we begin from.

[This message edited by hdybrh at 8:48 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 1/3/2019 08:55 AM

after the POS texted her yesterday even after she said to never contact her again a week ago.

Consider visiting the guy and having a face to face. Go there, and go in transmit mode, and let him know what he is as a human being. Ignore whatever he says, and give him nothing about you. Just hold up a mirror for him. You'll feel better for it.

hdybrh posted 1/3/2019 09:03 AM

I wrote an email to him that was what I wanted to say to him that is unsent, that or a confrontation could be in the future. But what my WW said to him in response which she showed me first was enough for now. She let him have it while laying bare the disgusting actions he took and they took together. That is separate from the need to report to his professional licensing board.

But if after some time I need to hold up that mirror so he sees the destruction he created and the POS that he is I will. And the complaint will probably do that too.

[This message edited by hdybrh at 9:16 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

Mene posted 1/3/2019 09:14 AM

Dear Sir,

Please report him to the relevant authorities. He is a predator. He has no empathy for you and will do this again to another marriage if you don’t report him. As far as him having depression that is not your concern. Will he harm himself? Again, not your concern. He’s an adult and he needs to make his choices.

ronjs posted 1/3/2019 09:41 AM

I believe he has and is playing the sympathy card (that he is depressed etc.) as part of his modus operandi, towards gullible/vulnerable clients. If I’m correct, he is a psychopathic predator.

No dealing directly with him, instead, an official complaint to his relevant governing/registration body - they will deal with him. Here, in Australia, he would be deregistered, terminated and never be able to practice, ever again. These types are master manipulators.

Take care and God bless and guide you brother

[This message edited by ronjs at 9:42 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/3/2019 09:48 AM

An observation:

The opinions on the actions to be done against the OM are heard loud and clear.

My anger and hurt is accepted and borne by her but it is far from over.

I wrote an email to him that was what I wanted to say to him that is unsent, that or a confrontation could be in the future.

These are just three examples I pulled quickly, but I've noticed this repeatedly and could easily copy more. You write often in the passive tense. I'm not here to be a writing critic. I mention it because it is so pervasive in your writing, and it is consistent with the theme that many here have commented about, which is that, at least in your posts, you seem passive. We only know what posters choose to reveal, so perhaps you are not passive IRL, but you seem that way in your posts.

Reporting the asshole to his professional licensing board is an easy act. It might take 15-20 minutes. It is the responsible and right thing to do, regardless of whether you R or D with your WW. Your failure to do so is consistent with the view of you as passive.

twisted posted 1/3/2019 09:57 AM

I have to agree with Butforthegrace.
It's a ten minute phone call. He deserves the consequences. Do the right thing, for everybody else's sake.

hdybrh posted 1/3/2019 10:15 AM

It is fair that you can see passivity in the posts but also that I can only do so much at this stage each day. I would hardly characterize my in real life actions in the past few days as passive, other than crying or really emotional parts. I want and believe I am getting after this. I also in the past have made a knee jerk emotional reaction and responses in situations before I had processed things. I need to get my IC and support network and personal wellness in place first as many have said. Not that calling the guy up with an FU call wouldn't help now but I'd rather focus that I have IC in 30 minutes and I have a to-do list a work that needs doing.

I am researching process and what I need to gather and how to do the complaint so I do it right. It's one step at a time but not shirking any of this. That is certainly an FU as well.

Trying to use the forum for reflection and assessment of where things are and need to go. Thank you for all of you calling things out. It's what I need.

HellFire posted 1/3/2019 10:24 AM

The problem is, you're assuming what the OM said to your ww is the truth. That he's depressed. Has family issues,etc. You believe it so much that you, the husband,feel sorry for the OM. So much so that, though you want to, but you won't report him.

What you dont understand is, this isnt unusual. Neither your wife,or the OM, are special snowflakes. It is extremely common for the AP, or the WS, to give a sob story to a potential AP. It enables the potential AP to play knight in shining armor. It also explains why they are doing the very crappy thing of engaging in infidelity. Read this forum. You will see the "tale of woe" over and over. Usually it's the WW telling the OM their BH is abusive. Or the WH telling the OW their wife wont have sex with him,is crazy, and if caught,will keep the kids from him. Funny how the BS who reads that in their messages had no idea they were beating their wife,or not having sex with their husband. BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE.

The people responding to you know this. We've read it on here time,after time. So we have the ability to spot bullshit. And what this man fed your wife,to get her into bed, is grade A crap. She fell for it. That's typical. However, you falling for it is another matter entirely. Look, you already know your wife isnt the first married woman he's been with. You said he told your wife he felt remorse for that affair. Did he say that before,or after,they had sex? Obviously he was lying. Because a truly remorseful man would never,ever, engage in an affair with another married woman.

People here are giving you great advice. All are in different stages post infidelity. Many are still in a great deal of pain. You've said a few times how much you appreciate that there are people willing to do this for new BS,like yourself. Yet, you are not willing to do the same for other potential BS. You have the ability to shield other men, other children, from the devastating fallout of an affair. With one simple phone call, you can stop the OM from preying on his married patients.

This man played your wife. She's responsible for her actions. But he played her. And now, he's playing you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:26 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

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