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Sex question for WS

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 15:32 PM

I see why recovery takes years. My WH had a relatively short EA with a MCOW and the processing is a nightmare. I am just looking for some insight from fellow WS because I don't think mine has done enough digging yet to know this answer. WS always enjoyed sex with me (he claims). He was unhappy with the consistency of sex between us. About 2 weeks into the affair, our sex life improved greatly. I am trying to figure out why this is. At this point, no sexts or naked pics had been exchanged between his AP and him but they had admitted their feelings towards each other. Again this is all from his word. I have been going back and forth on how long the affair actually was since they have worked together our entire marriage but he passed a polygraph. SO I guess my question is, did your sex life change at all with your spouse during the affair and what was the reasoning behind it?

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 16:25 PM

Let me just add that the whole sexual piece of the relationship is super confusing to me. He told me some of their sexual conversations in great detail, but can't remember the color of the lingerie she wore in the 2 pictures she sent. Mind you we have NEVER sexted or sent naked pics to each other so this literally would have been the first time for him. He also tells me looking at naked pictures of her never made him hard. If I'm to believe all this, he really chose to destroy our marriage and family for absolutely nothing???

QuietDan posted 1/11/2019 16:37 PM

Hard to answer why your sex life improved without knowing how it improved. The relationship and emotional dynamics changed between you two in a number of potentially different ways for any number of different reasons that I might hazard a guess at.
I suspect, the third party possibility might have directly or indirectly disrupted or short circuited an ongoing power struggle that was ongoing between you two; where sex was being used as a weapon or bargaining chip.
My personal experiences was that it was easier to avoid all of the previous long term conflict issues with my wife, since, I was not as emotionally invested in the relationship.
As the other relationship developed as an emotional affair where he was getting his emotional wants and needs met by another person, the ongoing dynamics between you two could have changed in numerous ways for numerous reasons.
Another possibility, he may have started using you as a physical surrogate...
Perhaps he may have also been stepping up his game between you two as a practice partner for an anticipated future meet up with the other person.
Some of the whys might be sorted out by looking at what changed.
The absence of conflict might make the physical relationship issues more attainable, but, it isn't always healthy for the overall relationship.
Well... just a couple of thoughts that occurred to me after seeing your question. At this point, mostly speculation and some projections.


QuietDan posted 1/11/2019 16:37 PM

Double post....

[This message edited by QuietDan at 4:39 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

onthefence123 posted 1/11/2019 16:42 PM

I'm not a WS, but if it's ok, I would like to respond. If not, just ignore me...

I have been reading a book that has been hitting the mark as I think about my WH. I wasn't reading the book to gain insight about what was going on in the bedroom but there was chapter that really spoke to me and made me think about our sexual history in the recent years past...

The amount of sex my WH was having with me was a huge issue with him prior to A, which I wasn't aware of how much it was irritating him; and during the A, the sex really sucked unless I put the effort into it and there would be typical guilting me into doing it. There are many physical, non-controllable things that I was going through prior to A that were contributing to the lack of sex. He knew what they were, I cried a lot, I was at my wits end, and he was also trying to control how I should medically approach these issues since, of course, he's in the medical profession, he knew more than them, and was worried about what I was putting into my body.

It is interesting, because about the time I was returning back to normal, he started his fuck-fest. So, here I am, finally feeling like I can be a wife again and regain some normalcy, he was treating me awful, I was on a roller coaster ride. It was back and forth, non-stop--love you so much, can't live without you, just want us happy; next day, why are there dishes in the sink, I don't want to do dishes on my day off--yes, very true. So now, those physical issues have been addressed but I STILL don't initiate with him or want to have sex with him. We were definitely not a dead bedroom, and I would throw hail Mary's every once in a while trying to go out of the box to spice it up, to make HIM happy. I was starting to lose myself and not being the person I really wanted to be in bed.

Where did this get me as his wife? Nowhere, since H was not returning those hail Mary's and being the loving, kind, compassionate partner that I deserved. When someone is constantly badgering you, not helping out with the kids, you're exhausted, and you can't seem to do anything that keeps him happy, you pretty much give up. Why should I keep giving it my 110% for him to give 50% and then be "rewarded" for that shitty behavior with my intimacy and emotions that I DON'T feel...?

I guess what I am saying is that if you are contemplating your sex life as it relates to his A--about the amount of sex or type of sex or intimacy or whatever sex related--and your goal is to R, then please don't listen to him say that he wasn't getting enough sex and that was making him unhappy. I am sure you were very unhappy with him about a few things as well!!

You giving him more sex, porn sex, sex with toys, etc. is not going to help him get the amount of sex that he thinks he deserves. Most likely, you are going to resent him more and more as time goes on because he is not going to see how much of the problem begins with him--before you ever walk into the door of the bedroom.

Maybe this is not the point at all in your post, but I think I know where you are coming from and thought I could relate. What I have realized is that when I thought we had a pretty damn good marriage, we actually didn't--it was one sided with me doing all of the work. WH was not doing his part. I have read it over and over and it seems to be pretty consistent--the person that cheats is the person with the least investment in the M. I could not even fathom cheating because I was putting all of my time and energy into it and didn't want to see it fail. He had character flaws that kept him from being the partner, father, and friend that he should have been and those same character flaws were what caused this shitstorm. It had NOTHING to do with the amount of sex he was getting--that was the symptom, not the problem.

Lots of hugs Layla.

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 16:43 PM

One of the questions on his polygraph was had he ever made any plans for sexual contact with anyone else and the answer was no. He was truthful.

onthefence123 posted 1/11/2019 16:47 PM

About 2 weeks into the affair, our sex life improved greatly.
When people have affairs--they can become hyper-sexualized. My WH did and was trying to treat me the same with the adolescent "you're so hot, you have a nice ass" behavior that I NOW know is how he spoke to POSMCOW. He would come into the house and behave so oddly--pick me up throw me onto the counter and try to start making out with me. I'm in the middle of a gazillion things that have to be done after a full day of work and a long night of at-home work to do. I wasn't buying into his behavior and would tell him to stop treating me like a kid and respect me like his wife...it wore on me.

Rideitout posted 1/11/2019 16:48 PM

I don't think I really want to answer this question, but, I think you've already assumed the worst.. I suspect the A "revved up" his sex drive. Thinking about her made him horny and he wanted to have sex with you as a result of it. This sounds worse than it is, we all do this to some degree or another, a guy sees a racy picture of a woman and then wants to sleep with his wife. It's pretty common, it's also the reason that some people enjoy watching porn together. But, of course, given the A, it's a whole lot more hurtful in this situation, and, I'm sorry, it's not the answer that I think you want (but it's the one I think you expect, so, at least there's that).

One of the common signs of a man in an A is "increased sex drive" and/or doing new things in bed. It's pretty typical, so, please know, you're not alone. My W's AP did the same thing (as told to me by his WS), he's leave my W and go home and sleep with his wife. It's awful, it's disgusting and I wish I didn't know about it, but, sadly, I do.

He also tells me looking at naked pictures of her never made him hard. If I'm to believe all this, he really chose to destroy our marriage and family for absolutely nothing???

I find this a little difficult to believe, but, who knows, maybe. Is your H low drive?

<sigh> I know exactly where you're coming from on the last statement. "I didn't even want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to like me" (near verbatim quote from my wife). You mean I have all these mind movies and all this pain and you didn't even get a good roll in the hay out of it?? At least if he was a god in bed she would have gotten something. The pointlessness of it really does boggle the mind, especially when the WS claims (as many do) it wasn't about the sex. Well, if it wasn't about the sex, you could have saved us all a lot of heartbreak and pain and, well, you know, not f**ked him/her!

HellFire posted 1/11/2019 16:53 PM

As much as I hate it, I agree with Rideitout. I read your post,and what he said was exactly what I was thinking, from why your sex life improved, to the color of the lingerie.

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 17:08 PM

But they never did have sex.

HellFire posted 1/11/2019 17:13 PM

Gently,that doesn't mean he wasn't turned on by her,and fantasizing about having sex with her.

I'm sorry.

onthefence123 posted 1/11/2019 17:15 PM

But they never did have sex.
I don't think it matters, honestly...he was having fantasies of her, feeling the high from the ego-kibbles, getting "revved up" as another poster said, and using you to satisfy himself...it sucks bad, even he was never sexual with her, I understand. I went through a month of thinking he never had sex with POSMCOW and it was horrific.

Luna10 posted 1/11/2019 18:33 PM

Ok this may sound weird but bear with me: early into our marriage there was a woman in our group of friends who I suspected fancied WH (he wasnít a WH at the time). There was nothing happening, my WH wasnít encouraging her or anything but you could sense it, her voice when talking to him would change, she would engage in meaningful conversations with him, ignoring me (without being rude, but always looking for his opinion and listening carefully etc). I didnít even tell my WH I noticed it and while it annoyed me, in our private life it turned me on sexually to know that another woman fancies my man. So our sex was a bit more... crazy I guess.

At the same time noticing I am being found attractive to another man at a party letís say (without any flirting happening but everyone senses when another person finds them attractive) would make me feel more sexual and again sex would be more exciting with my spouse.

So looking at the other side, although your WH didnít have sex with his AP, I would imagine that being made to feel attractive increased his sexual drive. I know itís painful but it is a fact of life. My IC told me once that we donít find each other mostly attractive when we are face to face in solitude as a couple but most attractiveness comes in social environments where you can feel confident about yourself. Imagine you going to a party (take infidelity out of the equation for a minute) and feeling radiant, liked both physically and for your personality. It makes you feel more sexually confident.

Iím sorry if this isnít want you wanted to hear.

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 19:42 PM

What everyone has said makes sense. It just drives me crazy. I was his first. Before me, he had only kissed 2 other girls. It hurts so badly knowing this belongs to them. I just ask over and over why he didn't choose those things with me if our sex was so great?

onthefence123 posted 1/11/2019 21:19 PM

....because he has poor boundaries and a broken moral compass. As soon as he suspected that there was something else going on besides a mutual friendship, it was his job as your husband to avoid her and if needed, tell her he would no longer speak to her. That VERY second he realized it. THEN, it was his responsibility to tell you, to be open and honest with you. Thatís where he failed. This was an opportunity to talk to each other, discuss his feelings, and make your marriage stronger, instead, he fell into temptation and destroyed your trust.

All of the whyís about his failure is what he must work on. All of the above is not the reason. Your sex life is not the reason. He liked the attention and behaved like a coward....

So sorry, it all sucks big time.

layla1234 posted 1/11/2019 21:28 PM

On the fence, you are so right. I know all this. The scariest part is backing off and letting them fix themselves (and hoping they do).

QuietDan posted 1/12/2019 01:17 AM

How did your sex life improve?
Was it the frequency?
Was he, or you initiating more often?
If you were initiating more, or, inclined to respond more, why?
Was he bringing new energy and creativity into the bedroom, or, did you?

Notmine posted 1/12/2019 05:56 AM

It IS scary, but his actions will tell you if he is changing. Words mean nothing. He will need to commit to some long term counseling to become a safe partner. WH counselor said a year for him and he was right on. WH became much more honest and transparent, and does things to make me feel safe independently, like texting me to let me know he is driving on a road he used to travel to get to OW house (main thoroughfare). I would never know he was on it if he did not let me know unless I was was monitoring his whereabouts. He is a contractor and drives all over the place for business. He does this just in case I am looking. Takes his responsibility to make me feel safe very seriously . This kind of action will show you that he is changing.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/12/2019 07:27 AM

Questions directed to WS members need to be asked in the ďI Can Relate ForumĒ under BS Questions for WS.

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