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director23 posted 2/8/2019 16:21 PM

This will be a continuation of my path forward. For background please see
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=634854

Big picture items:
Wife of 3 years had an affair 2 years into our marriage.
Have 2 year old son.
Wife pregnant with OM child.
D-Day 1-10-19
Filed for D on 2-7-19

Last night after work I went over to her parents house to have a discussion with ww with someone else present to keep the peace. We discussed some of the bigger things that we had discussed earlier on a path moving forward relating to a schedule with our son, plan for our house we own, and financials.

Conversation was productive; but as i suspected, when we began discussing custody she began to shut down. She repeated herself again that she believes that it would be in the best interest of our son to spend as much time as possible with his soon to be born brother. I explained that is simply ridiculous, I've done nothing wrong and didn't cause this divorce to occur, and i essentially have only been asking for joint legal and physical care with a 2-2-3 schedule since we will both live in the same town that is essentially pretty small. She then went off on tangent to describe how 2-2-3 schedules are not good, and i explained that based on what i could find, a toddler shouldn't go longer than 3 days without seeing each parent. once the child is in school then it is better to transition them to a longer schedule with each parent.

At this point i feel like it would be best to go forward with an attorney.

Yesterday after telling her that i had filed for divorce she broke a glass and threw everything off of our coffee bar at me/the floor and threw another chair at me. I recorded the audio of it all and took photos of the aftermath.

Her mom and grandma came over and saw everything how it was. As soon as they showed up i left.

Jduff posted 2/8/2019 16:29 PM

I think you need to talk to your attorney about a TRO and stop talking to your STBXW about the details of the D. Let the attorneys handle all D related communications from this point forward.

Keep recording with the VAR though.

Marz posted 2/8/2019 17:43 PM

Yep, talk is getting you what exactly?

You should have called the police and used her actions against her.

Expect her family to side with her and against you. If her other man comes back in the picture they will accept him because of her.

She's family and you aren't. Especially since you've filed for divorce.

I hope I'm wrong but that will probably be your reality

devotedman posted 2/8/2019 18:03 PM

Sadly, I must agree with Marz, above. xWGF family loved me until they didn't any longer. Which was, you know, immediately.

She is no longer your concern, and her thoughts are not really a concern of yours any longer. The D is just a business transaction, the clean-up after the breaking of a contract. Let your lawyer handle it for you.

If she talks to him, or to her own lawyer, and starts throwing things at them and smashing glasses, well, there'll be consequences to that that she will not enjoy.

Talking to her doesn't do anything but keep you from going as NC as possible. Really, stop.

Freeme posted 2/8/2019 18:15 PM

Her mom and grandma came over and saw everything how it was. As soon as they showed up i left.
Wow! I'm glad you called them over and that you are conducting all your meetings in front of people going forward.

As an FYI - If you had called the police you probably could have gotten a restraining order. She would have had to live at her parents house and it might have made sharing easier starting now rather than after the baby is born...I know it sounds harsh but... she is acting crazy. Was you son around?

At this point i feel like it would be best to go forward with an attorney.
I agree. Did her parents say anything about her fit the other night and her unfair demands?

Just know that you are in the right. Focus on you, your son, and moving forward with the divorce.


TimSC posted 2/10/2019 11:28 AM

Do what you have to do to protect your son. It is going to be hard, but you cannot have him being second fiddle to the child of another man.

nothisfriend posted 2/11/2019 03:21 AM

I get that you made an effort in front of her family. Based on her reaction to the custody questions, I think itís time you move forward with an attorney for any discussions.

barcher144 posted 2/11/2019 08:24 AM

She repeated herself again that she believes that it would be in the best interest of our son to spend as much time as possible with his soon to be born brother.

Uhmm, yeah, no.

She does not care about anything that is in the best interest of your son. She is thinking only of herself. In general, courts are now recognizing that 50% physical custody is in the best interest of children, not some whacky, hair-brained opinion of one of the parents.

Do not give any inclination that you will settle for anything less than 50% physical custody.

Get a lawyer, one with experience with high conflict divorces. Get ready for the worst period of your life. I hope that I am projecting my high conflict divorce onto you, but her crazy logic and her crazy anger suggest otherwise.

I would literally recommend that you stop communicating with her as much as possible. Be a gray rock.

LivingWithPain posted 2/11/2019 10:51 AM

Cops wouldn't have done anything. Breaking furniture only works when it is the husband doing it. Women get pretty much a free pass on destruction of joint property.

HalfTime2017 posted 2/11/2019 14:27 PM

Director,

I agree with JDuff. I'd contact your attorney and get the TRO. I'd then call the police and file a report. If nothing else, you get it on record and it helps you in your custody case against your ex.

Its now a publicity game with the court system, and you want to empower yourself and win for the sake of your son.

I also agree with Marz, the family will turn on you. Its just a matter of time. You've done great so far. Keep listening to the folks on this board so that you can move on and protect yourself and your son from your crazy ex. Throwing glass and furniture is precisely whats not needed for your son to witness. I'd document that with as much details as you have and call the police today.

director23 posted 2/11/2019 14:27 PM

Friday after work we both went home and spent evening with our son. Talked nothing about what happened earlier. I put son to bed and then went over to her cousins who was having card night with all of our friends.

Saturday we went to her parents for breakfast that lasted about an hour and a half. No problems there whatsoever. We get back home and she begins a discussion on boundaries. She explained that her parents don't want me at their house any more and that i need to stay away form her family.

My response was direct, I asked why didn't they make any indication of this while we were all just over there, and she said she doesn't think its fair that I get sympathy from her family. So an argument started over that which then turned into her calling her mom. Her mom asked if i would go over and talk with her and ww father. I didn't hesitate and immediately left.

Ended up having a 2 hour long discussion with them; and their intention is not for me to stop coming around less. They essentially just explained they hope i am not using my time with them to use for a court case and that the verbal abuse on both sides needs to stop. I agreed.

Later that evening ww went out with some friends and we had about an hour long conversation about moving forward. Essentially agreed to not be ugly. She explained she was struggling with there not being any possibility that i could forgive her and move forward without divorcing. I answered honestly and said no, i've been hurt too badly.

We both agreed to stop fighting and worked out a very reasonable living situation for our current home. It is likely that i will stay in our house, and she will move out. A decision has to be made on where she will take the baby home to; from our initial agreement, it seems best if she continues to live at our house and then plan to bring baby there, since it will be easiest for us to both be available to the child if it ends up being mine. Regardless if it is or not, she will most likely move out in September into a place of her own.

Yesterday was completely fine and today has been ok so far as well. My son is my #1 priority still; and I have come to the conclusion that arguing with his mother in front of him is too damaging and completely unnecessary.

prissy4lyfe posted 2/11/2019 14:37 PM

They essentially just explained they hope i am not using my time with them to use for a court case and that the verbal abuse on both sides needs to stop.

That right there..raises alarms. They are documenting for a court case. Verbal abuse after all their daughter has done...

You need to carry a VAR on you at all times. And I am sorry this is happening to your son but you need to protect his father....YOU...from false accusations and limited time.

I know it feels like they are on your side...but they aren't. You need to withdraw from them. Stop using them as mediators/counselors. Stop calling them to rescue/decompress situations. CALL THE POLICE.

Bigheart2018 posted 2/11/2019 14:55 PM

Director,

Did you asked your WW why she continue to contact her AP?

Jsmart posted 2/11/2019 16:03 PM

The spending time with her family as though this tremendous betrayal didn't take place is not normal. They are her family and you best believe, when push comes to shove, they will throw you under the bus. Notice how they're already labeling how you've talked to her as verbal abuse. Their daughter is carrying another man's baby and you're supposed to go gently into the night.

By spending so much time with her family you're going to delay your ability to detach. Your STBX has been detached from you for over a year. Her being around you has no affect on her because in her heart & mind, she belongs to OM. Her tantrums should not in anyway be misconstrued as her being hurt by the coming breakup. She's upset that she's not able to dictate the custody.

You need to start developing new friendships and activities that do not include her
family. This is for your own well being. Any hobbies you stopped because you became a married man and father? Take them back up. This is for your own good.

Hippo16 posted 2/12/2019 04:33 AM

Director:

Yesterday was completely fine and today has been ok so far as well. My son is my #1 priority still; and I have come to the conclusion that arguing with his mother in front of him is too damaging and completely unnecessary.

You Sir are very and uncommonly wise.

I hope you continue to have the strength to follow the path you have chosen.

max2018 posted 2/12/2019 08:06 AM

YOU ARE BEING SET UP

RECORD EVERYTHING

VAR ALL THE TIME

tushnurse posted 2/12/2019 08:22 AM

I agree w/ Max.
Do not talk to her and reason w/ her like you would normally. Remember this is the woman who cheated and allowed herself to become pregnant w/ another mans child.

She is not who you believed she was. Be very very very careful.

Limit your communication to only do w/ son and finances. Anything else is unnecessary.
Limit the time that you are spending w/ her parents, and her family.

Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.

TrustGone posted 2/12/2019 12:10 PM

A decision has to be made on where she will take the baby home to; from our initial agreement, it seems best if she continues to live at our house and then plan to bring baby there, since it will be easiest for us to both be available to the child if it ends up being mine.


Is it possible that she may be pregnant by you and not the other man? I guess I'm confused. Could you clarify please?

Marz posted 2/12/2019 19:27 PM

Her parents are her parents. They will and have sided with her. Even thought they don't like what she's done.

For you to move on you will need to cut contact. They are not your family anymore.

You should DNA your son. He's 2 and she's been having an affair for 2 years. Do the math.

QVee posted 2/12/2019 21:57 PM

I agree. Please be careful. Even if they are not setting you up, I think they are still trying to get as much info out of you as possible for the upcoming court case and are probably getting their daughter a lawyer.

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