Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation® > Divorce/Separation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Trusting people after

LivingANghtmre posted 2/10/2019 18:38 PM

My soul mate, best friend, love of my I thought. Cheated. How do I ever love or trust someone ever again? Not even just romantically but in life? I think everyone is liars and cheaters now. The one person I trusted betrayed me. How do I let that go and move on?

Phoenix1 posted 2/10/2019 19:19 PM

First, you've got to heal and become whole again. Based on what you have shared thus far, that is a long way off. The consensus is that it takes 2-5 years, AFTER you get out of infidelity to heal. Is your WH still living with you, or did he finally move out? Are you still sleeping on the couch? Have you decided if you are going to D?

Give us an update of your sitch and we can give better advice.

64fleet posted 2/10/2019 19:37 PM

Mine screwed the guy wbo was a life!ong friend of mine, was my best man at the wedding.
Not sure I will ever trust another human.

LivingANghtmre posted 2/11/2019 14:13 PM

He is still living in the house. I have asked him to move out dozens of times and he tells me no. he says he's not moving out until there is a for sale sign in front of the house. I do not want to sell. My father lives in the basement he's put over $60,000 into the basement to have it finished. We moved two hours from Denver here for this house. I run a daycare throughout the week, from my house. My oldest daughter loves her school. I want to keep the house I think that he's the one that cheated and he should be the one that goes and figures it out now. But he says no. I am sleeping on the couch still. The kids are confused. I make him miserable by begging him to move out and making him feel bad about what he did all the time. I can't let it go. It's eats at me all day everyday. how come I have to be sad and miserable in his life just goes on. I know he regrets what he did and I doubt he would do it again but that doesn't change that our relationship is now ruined. I'm miserable. I don't believe anything he says. If he told me the sky was blue I'd have to go look because he lies so much.heated provides me for 8 years and then spent a month completely breaking down our relationship. He even says he can't think of anything he doesn't like about me he has no idea why he did what he did. We had the perfect marriage and the perfect family so I thought. Now I'm completely lost. I know my next step is to seek legal advice and figure out what we're going to do with the house but I'm scared. that's such a huge step when 8 months ago I was living the happiest life and had my future planned with this "perfect" man. I need space and he refuses.

LivingANghtmre posted 2/11/2019 14:13 PM

64fleet -- I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine the betrayal you must be feeling. I understand not trusting anyone. I question everyone and everything now. No one seems real to me. Like everyone is just a fucked up person, they just haven't showed it yet...although I know I am a good person and I know I never ever would have done this to anybody, especially my husband that i loved so much. It's like he was possessed. I hope you are getting through ok. it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it helps knowing that I'm not alone so thank you.

Phoenix1 posted 2/11/2019 14:33 PM

LAN, you've got way to much to deal with now before being worried about trusting people *after*.

No one can tell you what to do, and only you know when enough is enough. Everyone's threshold is different.

But first things first. Read in the upper left Healing Library about the 180, and DO IT. The more you engage with him the more you stay emotionally entangled. The 180 is not to punish your WS, but rather it is to give you some mental distance. With that distance comes clarity. And you really need that clarity right now. That mental distance also starts the emotional detachment process. Don't worry, you will fall off the horse once in a while. We all did. But when it happens, climb right back on and get back to it.

You cannot force him out of the marital home. The only way to legally get him out is to file for D and ask for exclusive use of the home. Until that happens, he can, and will, stay and make your life miserable.

Now, start thinking about if/when you do file. Will you be able to afford the home on your own? Will your father be able to contribute financially?

I understand you want to keep the house, but sometimes it becomes a forced sale issue (forced by the court). Or, you may have to pay him half the equity. Not always, but quite common.

Yes, it is scary to pull the pin on the marriage, but would you rather stay in a miserable, untenable existence as the alternative? It is possible the cheating is simply a dealbreaker for you, and that is okay (it was for me!). You owe no one an explanation.

If you haven't already, please go have a consult with an attorney to find out what you can expect from a D in your jurisdiction. Every state is different. Knowledge is power.

Oh, and don't worry too much about the trust factor right now. You are in the thick of things. When I was there I was in a constant rage, and pretty much hated the world. Time is magical though, and when you get out of a toxic situation, you will be surprised how much your outlook changes (for the better).

64fleet posted 2/11/2019 19:03 PM

LAN, im no angel but I do my part, never touched another woman in 20+ yrs, I do laundry etc. At one time WW griped to her 60+ y\o friend on how I washed unlike kids clothes colors in cold. She replied"honey if you have a man who does laundry, you need to shut the fck up! "
I work, the house was mine, never struck her, dont carouse.
I do not understand this.
You dont deserve it either.

thisisterrible posted 2/11/2019 21:44 PM

Go talk to a lawyer immediately - like tomorrow, if you can. It is a terrifying step, but you need to know where you stand legally with the house. Write down all of the facts before you go to the meeting: how much you paid for the house, how much you still owe on it, how much your father put into the remodeling, how you use it for your employment, etc, and take notes on what the lawyer tells you.

Going to see a lawyer and arming yourself with knowledge isn't the same as filing for divorce if that's not what you're ready to do. You need to be prepared. I remember how awful I felt making my first consultation with a lawyer, but afterwards I felt better (as better as was possible, obviously) having some legal unknowns explained to me.

And it goes without saying that you DO NOT tell your WH that you're seeing a lawyer.

LivingANghtmre posted 2/12/2019 23:19 PM

Thank you all so much for your responses. This site helps me so much. I will take all of your advice and really think about my situation. I've let this completely devastate me and it's time to rebuild my life for me and my children and stop focusing on him as much as I have been. It turns out he's not the person I thought he was and it's now time to go from being separated to being divorced because it feels too damaged at this point. Thank you all so much. So thankful for this site.

TrustGone posted 2/13/2019 10:48 AM

It sounds like you know what you must do and it's so hard to take that first step. It scary and the what if's still have a place in your heart. The fear of the unknown and the future often tends to make us remain in limbo for far too long.

I lived in false R for 3yrs because my fears kept me there hoping for something to change and my life to go back to where it was. I thought I had the perfect marriage too when I discovered the LTA. XWH#2 refused to move out. The smartest thing I ever did was see an attorney on DDay#1 and find out my rights. We had built a house on land I got from my divorce from XWH#1 so it was then joint property since the land got tied up in the house mortgage. I was forced to sell it all in the divorce and split it 50/50 because I couldn't maintain the mortgage on my own. However because he assaulted me (never had touched me before), he was arrested, had a protective order, and he couldn't come anywhere near me without the police. He had to pay 1/2 the mortgage until it sold. He also had to pay me spousal support and 1/2 his pension for all the years we were married. I knew all this and knew we had to be married 10yrs in my state. I knew this because of the attorney I had went to 3yrs before. I was heartbroken, but I wasn't stupid. It was the best decision I ever made. I now have a wonderful new husband and a new home that I bought myself before I met him.

I am going to bump the fear vs reality thread. It addresses the fears we have and the reality of what we hope for and do become. Some on the thread still just have fears, but some discover that their fears do not become their reality in the end. It's rather long, but it does give people hope and more clarity. (((HUGS)))

KaleidoscopePic posted 2/15/2019 11:45 AM

It can be so hard to trust again. It can help to work through it with a marriage counselor as well as an individual counselor. My counselor and I talked about "What is the minimal effective response that I would need to be able to move forward?" What do you need from him or for yourself to feel safe again? It isn't going to happen over night, but it cam happeen. You don't really say what happened, so I don't know if it was a colleague of his, if it was someone on social media, etc. If it was his colleague, do you need for him to consider switching jobs? If it was someone on social media, do you need him to delete his social media accounts? Do you need him to give you access to all passwords. Identify one or two concrete steps you can take that will help you feel safer.

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

© 2002-2019 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy