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Wading through

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RedVelvet posted 2/11/2019 08:25 AM

Hi. I am not sure where to start but as I'm here most of you can guess what happened. I'm currently in an 8 yr relationship with as near as I can tell a serial cheater. I found out three days ago when the OW's Significant Other sent me emails, several emails, in the online game that we play that this OW had gotten a hotel room while visiting us for Christmas and they had had sex. I have since found out that not only did they have hotel room and have sex, this OW had gotten the hotel room before she ever came to visit. She sat in my home exhibiting extremely weird behavior, which I discussed with my WF (Wayward fiance) out of her earshot, looked me in the face, smiled, flirted with my WF in front of me all while he told me that she was his bestie and there was nothing to worry about. He did this, knowing the two of them had a room for sex the day she was leaving. I had to entertain his current gf/whore for three days before they got private time to sleep together. After she went home, he bought her presents (other multiplayer games) so they could spend even more time together.

I also found out that earlier in the year they made plan to visit her up in another country and apparently when they were planning it, her Significant Other walked in on them cybersexing. Her SO justifiably had a massive rage fit, she poor little darling that she is, broke down in tears and somehow calmed him down. No one told me. The trip continued, though neither of them admit to anything happening on THAT trip.

She did get on voice chat and admit to me that she slept with him at the hotel though and I was given a receipt for the hotel.

They also dropped the bombshell on me that he did the cybersex with prior girls. I knew of one instance of EA and it happened not last June but the June before I think. It all blurs together. I did not know they had cybered (cam involved) and I had set very strict boundaries which he of course broke with this girl.

Now he's admitted to sleeping with this OW but is refusing to admit anything inappropriate with anyone that I haven't caught him with. I know that there have been many online women I've been suspicious of but there's no way to get proof now. To top it off, turns out he's a suicide threatener. So during the snowstorm we've been having all week I've had to chase him out and pick him up 2x on dangerous streets when he's finally admitted where he went to 'freeze' to death. The last time I caught him by running out the front door quick enough. Needless to say I've gotten little to no sleep.

I'm angry, hurt and all the other wonderful things this betrayal entails.. I'm bitter. I don't believe his words about how he's sorry and wants to die. I think he's sorry he got caught. I asked him "where was your remorse when you were continuing the relationship with her and buying her presents so you could hang out more", "Where was your remorse when you were kissing her on the mouth in that hotel room", "oh so its me you were thinking of when you were doing her there?" He says I"m putting words in his mouth and that I can't decide how he feels. He's told me that I need to block the SO so that he can't spread lies and that he'll admit what he did but he wont stand for the lies. The OW's SO was saying stuff like he thinks my WF is a narcissist or something with how manipulative he is. Now, granted he's getting that from his SO who is in survival mode spewing every excuse SHE can as to why its all my WF's fault. This OW has admitted to talking to my WF about running away together and starting a business and all this fantasy involved in starting a new life together. She also admits that my WF told her no each time as he didn't want to hurt me. His turn of the phrase was "no because he loved me". Uh huh.

I moved across country to be with this man and all I got was what feels like a string of EA's at the least and a slew of OW. With the first EA, he made me be the go between on them and mediate fights. How stupid could I be? He's always going on about how depressed he is and he can't stand being alone and that he's just trying to make friends. He sits at home drinking all day and gaming. I told him he wasn't safe with making female friend and it needed to stop. He said that he would walk right back out in the snow and freeze because I've cursed him to be alone. Oh, but he wants to work it out.

I also found out that he's been snooping on MY computer. I don't know why. I think he's looking for anything that might say I know. Though he looks for things to toss in my face about how I hurt him and it gives him an excuse as well. He found me consoling a peer who had been dumped. I said some things I probably shouldn't have, I admit it. I told this random guy that he might be lucky because I was in a relationship with someone who gamed all day, didn't work, did next to nothing to help me around the house and who was pushing for me to marry him.

I'm not perfect but I work full time and have done the best I can to support him in this time of him being 'so depressed' (which turns out he's depressed because he keeps loosing these gfs) I'm an idiot right? I have no privacy though because of what he has read. He's blamed me for his actions because we had an argument like two years ago he couldn't let go of in which I didn't side with him. He does have a valid argument in our sex life is not very rich. I don't have it enough with him. I'll be honest though, I get bitter when he asks (usually by very abrupt means that are annoying in and of themselves to me) because I think something like "well, I'd like the house cleaned." He has told me this leaves him feeling unwanted and unloved. So no I guess he didn't do it in a vacuum. I guess though he couldn't factor in how he made me feel. Working full time, putting up with his female 'friends', doing most of what needed to be done at home, cooking after long shifts in general feeling like I had a teenager in the home instead of a partner. All that apparently mattered is he didn't get more sex on top of his gaming, drinking and EAs +.

I just, the list goes on. Right now though I'm just struggling with having to keep an eye on him because selfishly its all about him and his threats to commit suicide now. Him and his "I'm not blaming you, but I didn't do this in a vacuum". I have heard, through the grape vine he's done this 5 times now (the EA maybe the cyber). He of course wont even really admit to doing the cyber with the prior one I know about. He certainly wont admit to the caming for it. He has no clue that girl confirmed it as well. She begged me not to tell him we spoke because she's in a place where she's safe and happy (gee good for you) and doesn't want him to ruin it. That's the one he bamboozled me into begrudgingly having to mediate every time they argued because ohh my gooood he couldn't handle losing another friend, he's lost too many. I'm so angry and hurt. Forgive me if this post has been inappropriate. Thank god for this site though. I'm doing my best to read through as much as possible and my heart breaks for the rest of you in the same boat.

RedVelvet posted 2/11/2019 08:27 AM

I'm so angry I want to lash out and tell everyone that is in our gaming circle and his parents and my friends. I've only told one friend who god bless her, gave me the link to this forum though. I've called his parents 2x when he ran out into the snow and he's screamed at me for getting them involved. They dont know why he ran out. They think he's depressed because he isn't working.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/11/2019 08:36 AM

So you're supporting him and he's playing games all day and cheating on you?

Is he that great in bed or a super hot male model? I must seriously be missing something here because unless he's worth a fortune or has some raging redeeming quality, he deperately needs to be flushed out of your life.

Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180 and employ it. Also read about how to heal from infidelity.

Lastly, don't have kids with this person and don't marry this person. He will bring nothing but pain and destruction to you and any kids you bring into your world.

Mene posted 2/11/2019 08:39 AM

No kids, not married... RUN.

RedVelvet posted 2/11/2019 08:41 AM

I'm not completely supporting him. He has some money from an inheritance. He does a minimum around the house (what amounts to a teenagers chores - changing cat litter, doing dishes after being asked for a week, helping with laundry, taking out the kitchen garbage) He also pays some bills that I can't afford to pay on top of the mortgage I'm paying. We got a house together, I was stupid. This is not the man I originally met.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/11/2019 08:56 AM

Never let yourself believe that you don't have options. Realize the type of person you're dealing with. Look at your situation and mentally and logically run through the different choices that you have. Walk through solutions to the perceived obstacles. Determine which option will help you personally to be most successful in five years. Move yourself in that direction. You're worth more than what you're settling for.

northeasternarea posted 2/11/2019 09:03 AM

Time to cut your losses. Next time he threatens suicide call 911. And don’t marry him,

Shockedmom posted 2/11/2019 09:48 AM

He has shown you who he is. Save yourself from years of trauma and get out. He is not a safe partner. You deserve better.

manofintegrity posted 2/11/2019 09:59 AM

Now you guys know why you don’t date people that live across the country and get to know ones family and friends very well before marrying them. I would get him to write out a timeline, then go talk to OBS for a while to compare notes. You’ll be surprised. This is why he wants you to block OBS. I’d recommend blowing it up to all of his family, gaming buddies, work (ooops forgot he does not work), neighbors, etc. hHe needs to suffer some consequences.

BBBD posted 2/11/2019 10:11 AM

So in a sense, you’re his “Sometimes”.

RUN. Now

RedVelvet posted 2/11/2019 12:32 PM

well, I see everyone says Run because we aren't officially married and I can understand that. I have much to think on. Due to weather I'm sort of stuck no matter what for awhile so I guess that gives me time to think. Think and wallow in anger and self pity at my stupidity I guess.

Smashedhrt posted 2/11/2019 12:49 PM

Even if you were married I would say run.
Sell the house. Take your stuff. Have an awesome life would someone else.there are tons of cool gamers out there.

Charity411 posted 2/11/2019 14:11 PM

RedVelvet, you deserve better than this. There are some really big red flags here. I agree with the assessment of the OW's SO. Forget giving it disorder titles, your WF is out and out manipulative. He's playing you.

You know in your heart that you've been had. Don't doubt yourself. Don't question the SOs assessment because WF wants you to believe it's lies. Keep in mind who the biggest liar is here. Of course he doesn't want you talking to OW and her SO. He is trying to cut you off from anyone who will tell you the truth.

The whole suicide thing is just a ruse to keep you in the game. I've never heard of anyone running out in the snow to freeze themselves to death. That's ridiculous. He's running because he wants you to chase him, and you are. Stop, and he'll stop running.

I have been in your shoes, and as difficult as it was, I eventually had to face the reality that he didn't love me. He loved my paycheck. He loved my cooking and cleaning and everything else I did. And he sat on his ass all day, trying to think up new business ventures and never actually did any of them.

I don't know what made you move across the country for him, and I'm sure you feel stupid, but don't beat yourself up. I'm sure he was very persuasive. This guy is really good at it. I've never heard of anybody able to covince their fiance that they should mediate in fights with their OW. That takes brass ones.

For now, there is something positive you can do. Stop taking care of everyone else. If he runs out the door, throw his boots out the door behind him. Stop protecting the OW who is now in a "happy safe place". Who cares about ruining her little fantasy. She sure as hell didn't care about you. Put yourself first. Start telling the whole lot of these people what you think and don't care for a moment how it makes them feel. I think you'll be surprised at the results.

You're in a weird place because of the house, but things like this get unraveled every day. You'll figure it out. One day at a time.

Bigger posted 2/11/2019 14:22 PM


Nobody is telling you to run just because you aren’t married.
We are suggesting you run because he has shown you what future he can offer (unless he is willing to do IMMENSE personal change) and technically ending this relationship is the “easier” and more “logical” way forwards for you.
Won’t make the emotions any easier or the hurt any less.
But… you two don’t have to negotiate assets, pensions, savings, debt, credit-cards, the cutlery, vehicles, who get’s the cat… and… custody. Nor spousal support or child support. You don’t need to interact until a child turns 18.
We are telling you to run because you can do it.

But emotionally it will be pure h@ll. We get that.

To reconcile then a significant part of your income for the next 2-3 years goes to MC, IC, relationship-weekends… You DO NOT marry, make major purchases or have kids in that time. This time would be solely focused on trying to realize if you and he have a future.

Generally people that reconcile will share that what got them to even think of R was LONG history, kids, lifestyle and family. Stuff you are not entwined into already.

RedVelvet posted 2/11/2019 14:39 PM

I'm trying to process it all Bigger. I do have eight years with him though. Eight years, we do have the house and everything in it. Luckily the cats are mine and stay with me. I really thought I knew him. I am sure I am at least partially to blame as I'm not perfect by any means and he's let me know that he had concerns and issues a time or two. I"ve tried to correct the issues, he says he's tried to correct his but he's been 'so depressed'.

I really do appreciate everyone's input. It helps a lot. Thank you all for being so kind to me.

[This message edited by RedVelvet at 2:40 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

Hopeful30 posted 2/11/2019 15:16 PM

You are absolutely not to blame for his affairs or him being a tool.

Affairs, not one, but multiple. He is not marriage material.

You can possibly spends years working on this to see if this could work. Not sure, but look at your life goals. Does it fit with waiting to see if he could possibly fix himself, with no guarantee?

Serial cheaters do not have good odds.

Read through the help area. Especially the 180 as you need some distance.

There are many here who have been in your shoes. Learn from our mistakes.

BBBD posted 2/11/2019 22:35 PM

8 years equals sunk cost theory.
Don’t live on hopium, it will destroy you.

Marz posted 2/11/2019 22:47 PM

I have much to think on.

No, you really don't

Bladerunner2054 posted 2/12/2019 08:33 AM

Dump him. Like, yesterday.

The1stWife posted 2/12/2019 13:00 PM

If you are stating there for “weather related” reasons then you have time to get a plan in place.

Whatever it may be. But have a plan for YOUR life in the future.

It should include a plan B. Just in case.

Also you may decide to stay with him. Your call. I suggest you not expect he will remain faithful or monogamous for the rest of your time together.

He should have a plan for your life together. A job and him dealing with his depression are the first two issues to address. A financial plan for the both of you together in the next 3-6 months should be next. And there should be clear discussions on boundaries and expectations in the relationship happening now.

Just keep watching. Keep your eyes open.

I dated a serial cheater who thought he could 💕 love bomb me back to being his GF. He thought he was able to fool me and I would come running back and he could resume his lifestyle. The only answer he got was silence. I was 21 and knew he would never change. And he never did.

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