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Lost My Best Friend

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Marz posted 8/3/2019 14:20 PM

But she still says they only had sex once. Obviously i don't believe her.

While any things possible it's not probable in a 7 month affair.

The deleted texts in her phone will tell you the full truth. Get it now because you won't be able to later on. Make it a priority if you want the truth.

The other thing is nude pics, possible sex vids once those go out you have zero control over them. Other man is low class so you can't trust he didn't share with buddies, etc.

I'd stop all sex until you find out if she's contacted herpes. That's a lifetime gift. In a lot of cases unprotected sex in an affair is the norm.

As others have stated she's in self protection mode at this time. You don't know how this may turn. Take your time and think this through.

Neanderthal posted 8/3/2019 15:08 PM

I'm no longer searching for more information. I know enough to be able to make a decision.

The OBS told my wife about the herpes sometime ago, but my wife never mentioned it to me. She would have willingly passed that along, probably hoping it would force me to stay with her.

That was probably the last nail in the coffin

ShutterHappy posted 8/3/2019 15:10 PM

But she still says they only had sex once. Obviously i don't believe her.

She’s willing to take the polygraph.

Maybe she was in for the ego kibbles and he was in for the sex. Maybe. From what I read in other stories in the general forum, from the WW like MissWalloped, the first time is awkward and it gets ‘easier’ the more they do it.

After reading her thread, I think she could be a candidate for R. That means you have the choice. So many stories in JFO have a hopeless WS.

Whichever path you follow, it will get better over time. I wish you strength.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:11 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Trdd posted 8/3/2019 16:05 PM

Reference your question about do people ever regret either trying to reconcile or not trying to reconcile.

I haven't seen any study on this but it is clear from this site that there is all sorts of regret in this process. Some people try their best to reconcile and end up divorcing years later. Others get divorced and end up reconciling afterward. It's really all over the place.

But I have to say that in the midst of the worst part of the pain is probably not the best time to make a decision. And that goes for just about any type of trauma, not just this type.

Regarding the length of the affair and the amount of sex she has admitted to. I have to admit that it sounds suspicious. But on the other hand, there are cases where the relationship is only and EA for months and months before anything is consummated. Sure, that might not be the norm if the people are living in the same town but it has happened. Not every woman who ends up submitting to an affair dives into bed on the first night or in the first week or month. Just like not every woman will have sex on the first or second date. So I am not sure why everyone uniformly pushes back on the notion that a woman can have a gradual EA and it might take months before it ever develops into a PA, if it does at all.

Marz posted 8/3/2019 16:19 PM

The OBS told my wife about the herpes sometime ago, but my wife never mentioned it to me. She would have willingly passed that along, probably hoping it would force me to stay with her.

Some will unknowingly put the Heath of the BS at risk but to knowingly do it is another level.

Sorry man, I hope you're clean.

HellFire posted 8/3/2019 17:16 PM

Every few months, on the divorce forum, a BS trying to decide, will ask if anyone regrets divorcing their WS. I don't think I've ever read where one person says yes.

OP you don't have to make any major decisions right now. You are reeling. It's ok to take a minute.

Neanderthal posted 8/3/2019 18:18 PM

Google tells me I need to wait 4-6 weeks from possible herpes contact before getting tested. Otherwise the test would be inconclusive. I've already developed something of a rash/bumps on my wrists this week. I never get rashes. I little googling says its possible due to my weakened immune system (lack food/water/sleep/stress) that its a rare herpes outbreak that's not in my genital area. Hopefully its nothing and i'm overreacting. But i'm usually a glass half empty kind of guy, so with my luck the last few weeks.....who knows.

So for the next month or so, I intend to do NC with my WW. Only speak if its regarding our little girl.

I've already spoke with a realtor, and I know what needs to be done with my house. Plus its a buyers market. So if i choose so, selling the house wont be a problem.

I will be contacting lawyers next week. Hopefully a peaceful divorce with a mediator will be the outcome. I'm not deciding anything, just heading towards an objective.

I understand a lot of you wish your waywards would have reacted the way mine has post DDay. But I envy those of you that had no choice, or a bad WS which made the choice easy.

I don't want the decision rights of my marriage. Whatever decision I make will haunt me forever.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 8/3/2019 18:46 PM

I had a herpes scare once, unrelated to infidelity, but was stressful just the same. As someone who went through this, I'll try to relay some helpful info.

There are two different types of tests for herpes, Igg and Igm (these are the different types of antibodies your body produces in response to the virus). Igm shows up the quickest, but it can also dissipate over time and might not show up if there is not an active lesion. Igg can take a little longer to show up, but once it does, it's there for life.

Some doctors do Igm at first thinking you'll want to know as soon as possible, which I get. But it can be really inaccurate! For one thing, it can't tell the difference between type 1 and type 2, so considering that depending on what source you utilize, anywhere from 50-80% of the population has type 1 (cold sores/canker sores etc.) you can get a false positive for type 2 pretty easily if using Igm.

This is what happened to me. I have had type 1 since I was a little kid. If parents have it, it's commonly passed down to their kids when they share drinks, give them a peck on the lips etc. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't have it, the occasional canker sore was just a part of life that I learned to live with, and honestly had no idea it was a type of herpes until I got to sex ed in high school. But I went in for an STD panel in my 20s and was told that I had type 2! I was positive for Igm antibodies, negative for Igg, and they told me that this meant that I must have just recently contracted the virus, and that's why the Igg hadn't shown up yet.

They did not give me any further info about the likelihood of false positives, didn't tell me to follow up, basically just said "sorry, this is your life now" and sent me on my way. Holy shit for like a year I thought my life was over. I went into a deep depression, thought I would never date again etc.

Then, after discussion with my mom about how I had never shown any symptoms, I did a little research, which is how I found out about these two types of tests. So I went in, got re-tested using Igg instead, and bam! Found out I don't have type 2 after all. Igg, while it can take a while to build up, can accurately identify type 1 vs. type 2, and it stays in your blood permanently over time, so once you test positive for it you will always test positive for it.

Found this info when I did a quick search of igg vs. igm:

The challenge here is that the time it takes for IgG antibodies to reach detectable levels can vary from person to person. For one person, it could take just a few weeks, while it could take a few months for another. So even with the accurate tests, a person could receive a false negative if the test is taken too soon after contracting the virus. For the most accurate test result, it is recommended to wait 12 – 16 weeks from the last possible date of exposure before getting an accurate, type-specific blood test in order to allow enough time for antibodies to reach detectable levels.
So if I was in your position, I would get tested now, and ask for the Igg test. I would hope your doctor is more competent than my former one, but it can't hurt to be as specific as possible. Then get tested at regular intervals for the next several months, just in case it's something that is slow to develop.

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/3/2019 19:35 PM

I will be contacting lawyers next week. Hopefully a peaceful divorce with a mediator will be the outcome. I'm not deciding anything, just heading towards an objective.

This is IMO a smart move. As you take some control over this situation your head will clear a bit. You will have options now, something that was denied you for the last 7 months.

Are you going to have your lawyer draw up the divorce papers? Might be good just to have the process started as it usually take 6-12 months but you can stop it at any time.

Keep strong for you and your daughter.

Bigger posted 8/3/2019 21:27 PM

You ask an important question:
Do people regret divorce?
Studies indicates that when asked 12 months post the divorce date something like 70% regret divorcing and state that the issues could have been resolved. When the same group is asked a year later (24 month post divorce) then that drops and about 90% are happy with the decision to have divorced.
I think the key to recovery after a divorce is to fully understand what divorce is. It’s not an alternative marriage. If you divorce then separate your lives, detach and stop intervening in her life.

Do people regret reconciling?
I doubt anyone that reconciled regrets it. I am fairly certain that a large number of those that tried to reconcile regret having tried.

One of the main differences between R and D is that D is a process with a start and an end. Once the judge has signed the paper you are no longer married. Those that successfully reconcile don’t stop at “solving” the infidelity-issue. Heck… I doubt that can ever be fully solved. They work at changing their marriage and making it the marriage they both want. It’s constant, ongoing work.
In fact – IMHO everyone that marries should work at reconciliation. Simply lusting for someone and wanting to be married does not make people compatible or on the same course for what they want from life and the marriage.

Maybe the most common mistake made here on SI is where a couple thinks that making infidelity inactive is “reconciliation” and then go on through life still carrying their issues and unhappiness. They learn to live with the great pink elephant sitting in the couch and only wake it up when they argue. Reconciliation is so much more than that. It involves you knowing the TOTAL truth about what happened, and that she feels safe enough to tell you the truth. I think that right now you two aren’t there.

Butforthegrace posted 8/3/2019 21:35 PM

I think i disagree. while the pain and trauma is fresh. That's when i should decide if she worth my effort.

The advice here on SI generally is that a BH should wait minimum of 3 months, and preferably more like 6 months, before making any major decisions.

This is the purpose of The 180. It is a tool to give you psychological space so you can take some time to clear your head and find your heart's truth. Right now you're on what is referred to as "the roller coaster", that wild vacillation of emotion that comes from the cognitive dissonance where the woman you love is also the villain who hurt you.

Many married couples do R from infidelity, despite this reality.

gmc94 posted 8/3/2019 22:54 PM

The "waiting period" to decide anything after a traumatic event (a definition dday certainly meets) is 3 - 6 months.

I agree that meeting with your lawyer and knowing your options is a good idea, but not so sure about actually filing so close to dday. Continue NC and the 180, give yourself and your WW a bit of breathing time - to absorb the shock of it all.

The ability to D will ALWAYS exist. That your WW came as clean as she did as quickly as she did says a lot (ask me how I know) . Yes the STD is a huge screw up. And sure, the A itself can be a total dealbreaker.

We are all different, but even tho my WH seems to have a particularly difficult time removing his arse from his backside, I do think that initial 3-month agreement to not file for D (tho in my sitch it was 6 months) was not a bad thing. Now, I DO wish I'd separated during that time - I DO wish I'd given myself the space apart from WH to breathe and get my bearings and focus on me and my healing vs all the crap WH had - and continued to - screw up. I guess if I had immediately filed for D w/o making an attempt, I would always wonder "what if".

Just my unsolicited opinion.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:56 PM, August 3rd, 2019 (Saturday)]

sassylee posted 8/3/2019 23:19 PM

Right now, you’re in the middle of a tsunami. Your life has been upended - your WW is desperately thrashing about trying to do damage control. This is NORMAL. Your WW has spent most of the past year making horrible choices - choices that have damaged her marriage, her family and her career. It isn’t surprising she’s still screwing it up...they all do. They are still wayward and don’t “get it” yet.

I would never try talking you into R. That’s a deeply personal decision dependant on many factors. If her betrayal is a dealbreaker - then it’s a dealbreaker. But if it isn’t - don’t base your decision on her panic and thrashing about. She’s making mistakes because she’s desperate. But let’s look at what she has done. She’s ended the affair. She’s told you some basic facts. She’s agreed to transparency. She’s willingly left the house. She’s gone to her principal and confessed. She’s joined here and opened herself up to some harsh feedback. I believe once she’s calmed down a bit, things might improve.

This isn’t a race. She’s sprinting to throw anything she can at you to “fix” this. She’s doing a lot wrong. But - I think she has the potential to reach remorse. It took my husband 3 months to really get it. He was like your wife - he ended the affair and agreed to all of my terms. But he didn’t truly understand what I needed and become an authentic partner for 3 months.

If this is a dealbreaker for you - then I understand. But you don’t need to come to an definitive decision on that today or tomorrow. You can sit back, detach, and watch her actions. Really - you can choose to D at any point in the future. There’s no deadline.

The1stWife posted 8/4/2019 05:29 AM

Regarding your decision to D or R. My very wonderful therapist told me this when I was facing my H Divorcing me during his Affair:

A “successful” divorce occurs when you (as in you whether the BS or CS) have done everything possible to make the marriage work and it just cannot work out. Then you can walk away knowing you did your best. Whether you still love the spouse or not, you know the marriage is not salvageable.

Free advice for you. Only you can decide what is right for you.

However I can tell you that if my spouse knew the AP had an infectious disease and exposed me to it, all hell would break loose!!! And I don’t believe for me I could reconcile with something like that. Especially if my spouse knew of it st any time and continued the sexual contact.

Now regarding the affair and sex. My H’s last EA turned PA. They did not have intercourse but there was some sexual contact. This Affair was about 6 months long and yes, he planned to D me to be with the OW. However in six months they only saw each other 8x and the OW confirmed no sexual intercourse. The emails back and forth confirm “no sex”.

I’m just saying it may be possible the Affair was what your wife says it is. I don’t know her - you do. My H’s mid life crisis Affair led him to become some one I did not know or recognize. And we have happily reconciled BUT he immediately changed his behavior at DDay2 and stopped lying about everything.

I hope you do not have any diseases from this affair. And I hope your wife doesn’t either.

Hang in there. You will survive this. We all do. This takes time unfortunately.

66charger posted 8/4/2019 12:13 PM

Your wife is actively seeking a polygraph. Unless she beleive she can beat the poly, you should probaly accept that it was only 1 time. The AP is a serial cheater. He may have had others on the line therefore there was no rush.

Take your time and figure out your dealbreakers. And while you are at it, let's look at what would have been a deal breaker for most MARRIED couples.

I stopped being nice to her, and said a lot of terrible things to her. For example: I'm not attracted to you, I'm not in love with you anymore. I even convinced her we should try swinging! how fucked up am I? That never really took off, very minimal interactions with others, but the damage was done.

Fast forward a few years, and we got pregnant. The alternate lifestyle ended, we had our family. I stopped drinking and I learned/realized how much I love my wife. Unfortunately I never made that obvious, I didn't say it often, I wasn't very affectionate.

She does not get a free pass but neither do you. That is some fucked up shit to say to a spouse. You devalued her as a wife and lover and even when you realized your love, you made very little effort to correct the damage that you inflicted.

As you sit reflecting on what to do and whether to divorce, make sure you bring everything to the table.

Including the fact that she should have divorced you years ago.

faithfulman posted 8/4/2019 13:10 PM

Lots of cheating spouses swear they will beat a polygraph. Usually this based on some mental technicalities they think separates the things they did from something "really bad" or "weren't important".

Case in point is the herpes exposure. Your wife "didn't believe it" so it wasn't necessary to tell you.

Then the polygraph comes and they realize the questions will force them to admit to all kinds of shit they were holding back and boom! parking lot confession and/or a failed polygraph.

Neanderthal posted 8/4/2019 13:19 PM

As you sit reflecting on what to do and whether to divorce, make sure you bring everything to the table.

Including the fact that she should have divorced you years ago.

Thank you for reaffirming what I have already been thinking since DDay. This is/was partially my fault. I deserve this. She should have left me then.

But two wrongs don't make a right. Us both being mentally broken isn't a good reason to stay together.

sassylee posted 8/4/2019 13:30 PM

No. You are not to blame. She is responsible for her choices. You were responsible for yours years back. If your actions back then are in any way connected to this affair, then it’s on her for choosing a shitty way to cope with your poor treatment. She could have requested counselling, divorced or consulted family - any other coping mechanism to deal and potentially solve your marital difficulties.

Now you get to choose how you cope with her betrayal. If you chose to run out and have an affair yourself - would that be your wife’s fault? No. You make your own decisions...no one can make us do something unless we allow it.

No one deserves infidelity. No one.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:32 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

EarsEyesTongue posted 8/4/2019 13:42 PM

Did you think about exposure to STDs when you persuaded her to try the “swinging” lifestyle?

EarsEyesTongue posted 8/4/2019 14:04 PM

As you sit reflecting on what to do and whether to divorce, make sure you bring everything to the table.
Including the fact that she should have divorced you years ago.

Thank you for reaffirming what I have already been thinking since DDay. This is/was partially my fault. I deserve this. She should have left me then.

But two wrongs don't make a right. Us both being mentally broken isn't a good reason to stay together.

If that is the case, then was it a mistake for her to forgive you and to become your “best friend?”
Two wrongs may not make a right, but maybe forgiveness should be a two way street.

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