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Lost My Best Friend

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Neanderthal posted 8/10/2019 10:26 AM

After I finished reading it to her, and she sat there holding my side crying. I couldn't help myself, I had to console her. So I held her while she cried.

A few minutes later, I told her she can come home. I hadn't planned on doing that last night. But in that moment holding her I felt a sense of calm, and it just came out. Again she began crying and thanking me.

I told her this means nothing long term, I have no idea when if ever I could actually reconcile. She will stay in the spare bedroom, and be a mom for our daughter. Again she thanked me.

That feeling of calm was short lived. As I laid alone in my bed, the mind movies never stopped.
This morning I was greeted with bacon and eggs.....is this it? I just move on? It all just seems surreal.

At least my daughter was happy.

Rustylife posted 8/10/2019 10:27 AM

Even if she was being the ideal wayward and doing all the right things, it still won't lessen the pain of the actual affair. That is no consolation for you. I think some patience is warranted from your side. And it can't be all her. You'll have to work on your side to-I won't say accept- but acknowledge that it happened and no matter what she does now, she can't make it not happen. Sometimes an apologetic wayward makes the decision harder I think. With someone who's hostile, the immediate pain and humiliation is more but atleast there's only one path for you to take.

If you can come out of this with a better understanding of yourself and a better father-it can happen in R or D both, doesn't matter- I'll consider that a win.

M1965 posted 8/10/2019 10:59 AM

Neanderthal,

For someone who says he is not a good writer, you wrote something so heartfelt and profound that it belongs in a library of what it means to be human, if such a thing existed.

Thank you so much for sharing it. It will help every person who reads it. We are never as strong as when we expose our vulnerability.

What you wrote moved me to tears, honest to God.

I would be so proud and happy to have a man capable of such honesty and openness as a friend.

And then this:

A few minutes later, I told her she can come home. I hadn't planned on doing that last night. But in that moment holding her I felt a sense of calm, and it just came out. Again she began crying and thanking me.

I told her this means nothing long term, I have no idea when if ever I could actually reconcile. She will stay in the spare bedroom, and be a mom for our daughter. Again she thanked me.

You asked her to stay because it felt right. It was what you wanted. It was your inner voice speaking.

Was it the right thing or the wrong thing to do? It doesn't matter! It was what your soul wanted, and you were wise enough to let your soul speak.

None of us know what the future will bring. We cross our fingers and take a chance.

And we take it a day at a time.

Think of it this way. A huge building is made of thousands of individual bricks. Each of them is laid, one by one, until they have created something something that is far greater than just a big pile of bricks.

Let this be the beginning of the brick-laying in your rebuilding. The bricks in this case will be actions and gestures, words and dedications, quite times where you just hold each other and say nothing, times when your sweet daughter makes both of you laugh at the same time.

Each thing that helps you reconnect is a brick that goes into your rebuilding. Nothing much on their own, but when they start stacking up, they start creating something, don't they?

Day by day. Brick by brick.

This is not a time for big, permanent decisions. It is a time for seeing how much energy both of you have for laying those bricks. So put yourself in neutral. There is no deadline to meet. Just see how things go.

Day by day. Brick by brick.

If it is going to work, it will work. If it is not going to work, it won't work. You won't know unless you try, will you?

So give it a chance and see what happens.

I think you have done the right thing. Not because I know it will all work out perfectly in the end, but because we never achieve anything unless we try. And to try takes bravery and fortitude.

Good for you, Neanderthal. God, how I hate the name you chose for yourself! You are so far from being a caveman that it is ridiculous.

Both you and your wife seem to have had 'isolated' childhoods. So start sharing. Neither of you has to stay in isolation any more.

ChamomileTea posted 8/10/2019 11:34 AM

I have nothing left. Iím not who I was, nor will I ever be again.

I would love to be able to tell you that those feelings are fleeting, but IME, it takes quite awhile for them to pass. The good news is that they DO pass though. Feelings are in motion... emotions. They're up and down. And while it's true that when we're in crisis, we see quite a bit of repeat business from some of the more unpleasant ones... eventually that trend gives way to new stability. I don't know that we can ever say we're the same. Intimate betrayal changes our worldview. But different doesn't always mean worse. We do have agency in how we eventually create our new philosophy.

One of the things which will help you early on is to learn to combat "catastrophic thinking" with cognitive behavioral techniques. In a nutshell, you challenge the veracity of the internal monologue. ie. "I have nothing left" might become an acknowledgment of the feeling, "I feel like I have nothing left" and then a more accurate accounting of what's good in your life still, "but I have a daughter and (list ______ family members) and (list______ friends) who love me. I have a home and I make a living sufficient to my needs" etc. etc. etc.

You see how that works? There still are good things in your life, but when your inner monologue becomes catastrophic, you can't let it run amok. Correcting it with the truth will lift you up and help you avoid depression and self-pity. Bear in mind that self-pity is a trap, one that almost all of us fall into at one point or another, and that there's a difference between self-compassion and self-pity. Self-compassion helps us to see things as they are and helps us to ease up on ourselves so our inner critic isn't running roughshod over us. Self-pity lies to us, catastrophizes our viewpoint, and mires us in depression.

Long post shortened, your feelings are normal and will stabilize in time. But you do have the potential to speed that process along by engaging your inner monologue.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:38 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

HoldingTogether posted 8/10/2019 12:09 PM

is this it? I just move on? It all just seems surreal.

Of course this isnít ďitĒ. Now the real work can actually begin.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Winston Churchill

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/10/2019 13:12 PM

That was a letter right from your heart and soul. There is nothing wrong with anything that you said.
Has she written a similar heartfelt apology, explanation or honest appraisal of the situation from her side?
Is she willing to move heaven and earth to become worthy of you taking another chance with her? OR is she still in shock of being found out and still in the I, I, I, me, me, me covering her butt, I want to go back home phase.

MAybe her affair was a bridge too far for you to reconcile. I think that you want to with all your heart but the damage is too great. Not just the sex, but the mixing of the kids, the shopping at Target without a care of being seen...that is a lot to forgive.

She left because she chose to (thousands of decisions all leading to the affair), it is your choice to let her back in.

There may be a way to R but it will take a lot of time and effort from both of you. IC and MC might help but you both need to be in it 110%

Take your time...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:39 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

rugswept posted 8/10/2019 14:22 PM

N... thanks for inviting her back. you'll see she'll really be different.

you all belong together. and, yes, it's a long long road before this feels like recovery. tell her the first thing she has to do is stop lying about the A and she really has to tell you the truth.

i really want to see all this work out for all of you. R cannot completely restore things. there are permanent scars involved. but you can still go on and have a very good M over the long haul. and, your sweet daughter really does need a mom and a dad.

Neanderthal posted 8/10/2019 15:40 PM

Let this be the beginning of the brick-laying in your rebuilding.

We need to demo the old building first. Metaphorically speaking of course.

One of the things which will help you early on is to learn to combat "catastrophic thinking" with cognitive behavioral techniques.

I need to find a class just for this. I feel I'm a terrible thinker

tell her the first thing she has to do is stop lying about the A and she really has to tell you the truth.

I did, but I don't think she has any intention of changing her story.

Scoobydoo posted 8/10/2019 16:03 PM

Those words 😢

Seriously I donít have any words apart from I needed plenty of tissues, heart felt & truly profound.

Good luck N,

I really hope you achieve what you want & need with you both under the same roof 🤞

Butforthegrace posted 8/10/2019 18:47 PM

That was beautiful and heartfelt and profound.

LostToOM posted 8/10/2019 19:41 PM

Well, I wish I couldn't write very well like you can't write very well.

CincyKid posted 8/10/2019 21:06 PM

You love her, she loves you. She did a terrible thing. You can survive it. So can your marriage. Stop bringing up the cheating in every conversation and start working with her to fix the marriage. Iíve done the wallowing in self-pity gig. I lost years of my life to it. That was my fault. Save yourself from that and cut it out. Nothing positive comes from it. You two are going to reconcile, I can tell, so lay out that path and discuss it.

HoldingTogether posted 8/10/2019 23:58 PM

Stop bringing up the cheating in every conversation and start working with her to fix the marriage.

Im going to have to disagree with this comment. No offense but it is way, way, way too fucking early to expect Neanderthal to stop bringing up the cheating. In fact I would recommend almost the complete opposite. Now that she is back home, this is when the talking really starts.

Neanderthal, R (should you ultimately decide thatís the course you are pursuing) is a long and arduous process. And, in my experience, talking about the infidelity and your feelings about it...and her feelings about it... and how you both feel about it, is pretty much the majority of how the process fucking proceeds.

Just about every successfully Ríd couple I know (and I know quite a few) pretty much talked this stuff to fucking death. I have basically got my post graduate degree in my wifeís infidelity. I know more about that subject than I know about most anything else. It isnít a course of study I would have chosen to pursue and I didnít particularly enjoy most of the fucking curriculum, but I didnít have much in the way of choice about the matter if I wanted to get healthy. And if I wanted my marriage going forward to be healthy and whole as well.

Look, you need to work out a whole bunch of anger and hurt. Working it out is usually going to involve a whole lot of emotionally wrought conversations with the very person who hurt you. Itís tough on both parties, but this shit has got to be aired out and processed or I assure you it will fucking fester. You have got to find constructive ways to let all those thoughts and feelings out or they will find some other way out on their own. Usually in a much more destructive and damaging way.

Additionally, if you want to build a better marriage it is essential that you and your wife get on the same page about a whole lot of shit as you are attempting to move forward together. Your wifeís infidelity has roots that it sprang from and complicated collateral consequences going forward. You guys are both going to have to figure out what those roots are and what going forward looks like. Itís different for every relationship, you guys need to figure out together what it looks like for yours.

On a related note, donít worry too overmuch if what the two of you come up with together doesnít exactly match what other members here tell you it should look like. The opinions of the members here are just a resource, not a list of commandments set in stone and given from on high. The only people whose opinions really matter on the subject of your relationship is your and your WWís. Nobody else gets a fucking vote. You feel me?

But when it comes to the two of you? You guys have got to be on the same fucking page. And the only way that is going to happen is if you talk about this shit.

And I mean talk alot.

Best of luck going forward brother.
HT

Scoobydoo posted 8/11/2019 01:21 AM

Stop bringing up the cheating in every conversation and start working with her to fix the marriage. Iíve done the wallowing in self-pity gig. I lost years of my life to it

Have to disagree...
Its definitely not self pity when your heart has been broken by some1 you gave it to. it does take years, not days, weeks, months to get through life changing betrayal.

You don't have to start talking right away, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do right away, I haven't & I'm 5 months down the road.

IMHO
You make your choices for YOU & your DD,
YOU have to look after YOU & DD before anything else is even considered.

1 moment at a time, 1 day at a time, 1 thing at a time.

edited as its clearly to early here to type

[This message edited by Scoobydoo at 1:23 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

GoldenR posted 8/11/2019 04:06 AM

I've never seen a thread with more "RECONCILE!!!!!" posts where the OP has indicated he is leaning towards D. The troops are out in full force with this one.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:08 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Sharkman posted 8/11/2019 04:33 AM

If she has no intention of changing her story and there are questions still, then this is a significant, significant problem.

1. If she is lying then itís a clear indicator sheís not a reconciliation candidate. Atleast at this time.
2. Infidelity woulda do not heal until theyíre flushed out. Those awful feelings youíre having now? Yup, sticking around for awhile unless you sever the relationship or get the full truth. This is called rug sweeping and it is very bad.

Trdd posted 8/11/2019 05:13 AM

That was a beautiful piece of writing N.

HoldingTogether has a few great comments above. I couldn't agree more about the fact that the real work is still in progress and will be for some time. Also, finding out how all this works for you and continuing to sift through advice here for what makes sense to you, your marriage and how to move forward. We only know some of your reality.

Regarding the notion that your WS is continuing to lie about the affair. That could be true. Trickle truth is more the norm than not. But sticking to her story does not automatically mean she is lying either. You may have all the fundamental elements of what happened already. I would assume some details would come out that she did not think to tell you earlier if you pursue them. But some WS do disclose the core of their A accurately early on. Many here automatically assume the lies are continuing but that is not always the case.

Keep taking care of yourself. You are making progress!

steadychevy posted 8/11/2019 06:44 AM

Don't rugsweep, Neanderthal. It'll come back and bite you in the ass. You need to do and know what you need to do and know. If you tamp things down they fester and erupt later.

It is up to you to decide if you want to R or D. If you think there is more to her story than she's telling you need to find out because, IMO, R would be difficult. You can request/demand a polygraph.

It's pretty early to make a decision regarding R or D yet. There's still an awful lot to work through. You need to be on the outlook for "hoovering".

Hoovering is sucking you back in. This early on I would suspect a lot of the actions of a WS are about damage control and self interest.

I don't know about the comment that some WS disclose the core of their A accurately early on. I've been on SI for a while and read about quite a number of adultery situations. I remember very, very few where the WS disclosed all without further lies, cover-up and TT.

HouseOfPlane posted 8/11/2019 06:57 AM

Stop bringing up the cheating in every conversation and start working with her to fix the marriage. Iíve done the wallowing in self-pity gig. I lost years of my life to it
I am going to sort of agree with a portion of this.

You can bring up the cheating for at least one of three purposes; the first is because you need to process it and so need to understand it, the second is because you need to communicate how you feel with someone and who better than your wife who is theoretically your confidant, the third is because you want to use it as a tool for manipulating her.

There is powerful mojo in the third, as you puts you in control. It is the nuclear option, it trumps all arguments always and forever. But it ultimately is a negative, toxic thing, getting in the way of the first two purposes. It is also hard to avoid doing.

So ask yourself before you bring it up, am I getting ready to communicate or manipulate?

Sending strength!

NoOptTo posted 8/11/2019 07:07 AM

Regardless if N chooses to R or D, it is of the utmost importance that both N and his WW begin IC and not MC. WW has to dig deep figure out all her whys that enabled her to step out from the M. N for figuring how to deal with her betrayal and either find forgiveness or acceptance of her betrayal and move on life without her. Either path is his choice to make. Then MC can come into play. Both individuals once set with their whys and what to does can they either work together to rebuild a new M or work together to make D easier and grow to co-parent tougher for the sake of their DD.

As for N, you have said your not a good writer. You have proven to us that you are through your heart felt letter to your WW. Now you say you need a class to learn to think better. I say see an IC, they can guide you to help you switch your thought pattern. You do have it in you to be positive in how you think. It doesn't mean you have to R if you think more positively. It will show that you value yourself. That you bring something of value to the table. Look at your DD. She sees that her dad loves her and will do everything to help her grow to be a wonderful woman. Whether you choose to D or R, you will continue to demonstrate that to DD.

I hope you your WW a fair chance to try and demonstrate that she is and will be a remorseful FWW. She will show you through her actions if she is or not. Also I hope you choose what course of action is important to you. If infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, keep to your values and D. If you find that you can forgive her for her bad choices and she is proving to becoming a safe partner again, R can be a wonderful gift to offer her. Thing is .... you have time on your side now. You don't have to rush into any decisions now. As many have said, continue to protect yourself now, 180 is good. Watch her actions, see an IC, work on you.

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