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Lost My Best Friend

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HellFire posted 9/1/2019 16:53 PM

If you decide to divorce, it will have nothing to do with you not being able to be the husband and father they need. It will be because it was a deal breaker.

And who the fuck cares that others here MAY have it worse?? Wth??

This man is extremely close to his dday. His wife took their kid around OM and played happy family with him. He felt something was wrong, and when he asked, she gaslighted him.

I like his wife. I do. I think that she is so likable,that some people are feeling the need to defend her. But coming on this man's thread and telling him how great his wife is, and he needs to find peace and move on (despite being so close to dday), and the blaming him for his wife's actions is beyond unhelpful. I've never seen a BH on here take more blame,and rather than tell him his wife had choices,and no one deserves to be cheated on, some decided to kick him around,and cement the idea that all of this is his fault, firmly in his head. Such crap.

Has he done wrong? Absolutely. That doesn't give his wife a license to cheat.


And whatever happened to treating the traumatic injury of the affair,first, then deal with other marital issues??

Rustylife posted 9/1/2019 18:02 PM

I don't think I agree with this. I'll divorce when it's in my best interest. Not hers.

Fair enough. Looking after your own interests is always wise.

I find these kind of comments irritating. Any other couples level of pain has zero regard on ours. You only know your own lowest point(rock bottom), not some hypothetical bottom. I also believe those couples you are referring to aren't actually happy or in a better place. Especially if they are hanging around here long term.

Perhaps I didn't word myself correctly. Not minimizing your pain at all and this was more in reference to you saying that if you stay, it won't be for love. There are some cases in SI archives where I wonder how the fuck can you reconcile from THAT? But people have. You never really know. Don't count anything out. And if it's a dealbreaker, that's perfectly okay too.
Onto your other comment about the "regulars", I'd say that when you initially encounter infidelity, your reaction to reading about it is very raw and visceral. Every new encounter is a punch in the gut. But you know, after a certain time period, it doesn't affect you that much. I'm here on this site to learn to trust again and be vulnerable again, but in terms of tales in JFO, it isn't the same anguish that I felt before. Many people who used to post regularly have left, and some don't do it as often. But those who do, I think it is out of a desire to help rather than relive their own traumas. One helpful comment and then they go about their day as normal. Giving it back to the community. Doesn't really take much.

T/j Hellfire:

I like his wife. I do.

Good for you. I don't. I don't like waywards. I think they are all selfish POS who should be kicked to the curb. Their posts here are usually disingenuous and performative. Especially those who come with their tails tucked in when the spouse shows them the forum. I don't read her posts and have no idea what she talks about. But why this fixation for not holding the BS responsible for things that he himself said he did wrong? Personal accountability and integrity is great for everyone. And I even said that his decisions had nothing to do with the affair. The marriage didn't exist in a vacuum. The things that led them here should be examined as well and the BS feels that too. He is still in limbo and trying to commit to a decision. Looking at all aspects of their partnership:past, present and future. What's so wrong with that? No one suggested that he "get over it".

[This message edited by Rustylife at 6:04 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

landclark posted 9/1/2019 21:26 PM

Even if you choose to leave, do it because you can't be the husband and father that your loved ones deserve,rather than some desire for hurting her.

Wait...what?!? Separating doesn’t make you a bad parent. Doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your child. Sometimes leaving allows you to become the parent your child deserves. It certainly helped my parents. They were miserable cusses together. Much better people and parents after divorcing.

A child doesn’t deserve two parents who only stay together for them and are then miserable forever because of it.

As far as the husband the wayward deserves, well at this point isn’t she lucky she still has a husband? I know they have a checkered past, to say the least, but don’t most of us have times we think “yeah, I could have handled that better.” I know I do. It certainly is not an excuse for my WH cheating though. Nowhere close.

Yeah, I get that separation and/or divorce needs to be done for more than just a screw you wayward, but wth to the rest of this comment.

Neanderthal posted 9/1/2019 22:07 PM

I just want to say I'm sorry. My comments about seasoned vets on SI were inappropriate. I have no business passing judgment on them or having any preconceived notions about them. I was reading another BS's thread and saw that BS lash out terribly at SI. I need more friends than enemies. Now more than ever.

After another session with my favorite persimmon tree I feel less angry or defensive. A lot goes into the decision to D or R. I'm not in any position to make that call yet. But I am currently leaning towards D. I understand it may not be in my best interest to post my decision making here. It's possible my WW may read them and decide to get ahead of me. Possibly force a contested divorce instead of an amicable one. But I need this place. Its my therapy, my journal, so i'm going to keep posting.

I do believe in personal accountability. I hope through IC, reading and working here, I will become a better person. I have no intentions of hurting my WW in anyway. Although a spiteful comment may pop out before I catch myself.

I am still sober. In fact I don't even think about it. Hopefully that will continue.

20yrsagoBS posted 9/2/2019 21:51 PM

Neanderthal,

You are going through a lot right now. It sucks, but this is a trauma that has to be dealt with.

It’s painful and scary. Keep reaching out, keep trying. We’re here to help.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/2/2019 22:13 PM

There is nothing wrong with deciding that your wife sleeping with another man is a dealbreaker for you.

I know that it is scary, but I can tell you that post-divorce is not as scary or as bad as I feared. I am approaching the first anniversary of my divorce being finalized and I must say that I am much happier now, and that I can look myself in the mirror as well as holding my head up knowing that I refused to surrender my core beliefs about right vs. wrong, as well
As the definitions of love and marriage.

I have read both this thread as well as her thread. I think anyone who has read your thread will plainly see that you have struggled with everything, especially coming to your ultimate decision. But being on the outside looking in, I think it is clear as to what your ultimate decision will be. And there is nothing wrong with that decision.


I wish you nothing but the best.

So,
Good luck, stay strong, and do what you must to be able to hold your head up in this time of devastation!

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/2/2019 22:18 PM

Forgot to mention one other point....


One thing that was always going on in my thought process was the kids. I know that in their heart, they wanted mom and dad to stay together forever. But I always tried to act in a way that I hoped could be an example for them if, God forbid, they ever had to deal with a personal crisis not of their making.

After all the smoke cleared, one of my kids told me that he thought I took the only option actually available

MickeyBill2016 posted 9/3/2019 13:06 PM

I'm well aware of this. In fact, I believe she would be remarried and pregnant within a year of us divorcing. I'm sure I'd be the one struggling to move on.

That happened to me, but it makes sense as your and my WW are the ones who wandered. I still have trust issues, many years later.

numb&dumb posted 9/3/2019 16:51 PM

If I accept I'm not responsible for her affair, then I know divorce is the only outcome.

Just curious. . .isn't there more than one outcome ? The thing is that what you want isn't clear to you. You feel like you have no good options left.

BTDT.

I am just saying it is bad right now. I get it. A lot of other people do too. Don't limit your options at this point in the game.

Right now it is about surviving. Not healing. I would think that living together as co-parents makes your life a lot easier than living apart would be.

As far as punishing a WS with a goes . . .It is really a punishment if your hurt yourself in the process ?

Your thinking isn't wrong it is just that I think the damage your W did to you will not go away with a magical piece of paper that says you are no longer married to her. Divorce sucks at the beginning. Reconciliation sucks at the beginning. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't suck at the beginning, but sucks way worse later on. . .There is no secret option to not have things suck in some way right now.

I'm sorry. I really am. I hope that you can find something that brings you peace, even for a little while.

Is it possible you can go somewhere else for a little while to test your D hypothesis. The one thing I can relate to is that your WW is your biggest trigger right now. Maybe you don't need a D to get that space. Maybe you just need to be away from her for awhile so you can logically think things through without being triggered every 5 minutes ? I know that D sounds like the answer and I am not saying it is or isn't. You won't always feel this way and don't limit your options right now. Keep everything on the table.

I used business trips when I was in this stage to get some distance. It helped me see things a lot clearer. Maybe stay with a friend, family member. Buy a tent and go camping. IDK.

I hope you are able to find small moments of peace and clarity in the near term.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/3/2019 20:40 PM

Have you talked to an attorney yet?

Neanderthal posted 9/3/2019 21:41 PM

numb&dumb,

Aren't I limiting my options by staying? I get it, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's just a piece of paper at this point. If WW and I are destined to be together the paperwork would be a formality. I suppose that would serve as some sort of reminder. You can walk next to me through life, but not as my wife. Maybe someday I could take her back. But that definitely doesn't require us be married.

She and I have both admitted our failures as parents. Maybe the weekly break/joint custody would be beneficial. Might be the 2x4 we need to get right. Besides, I'm not on deaths door like I was the first few weeks after Dday. I am a functioning adult again. Co-parenting with someone who triggers me constantly isn't particularly fun either.

She got angry with me cause I unfriended her from my FB and set all my posts to private. She cant believe I wouldn't share the pictures I post with my daughter with her. She got a lot of fucking nerve. She was sharing pictures of herself and my daughter with her AP while we were driving back from vacation! While she was sitting next to me, she was sending him pictures of there cute little fucking family.

I understand you guys really like her. She's following all the steps. Typing all the right things. But she was doing some really fucked up shit. She started talking to him the night I was at a daddy daughter dance! While I was putting my MS stricken mother is Hospice in another state, she was sending AP videos of her playing with herself. I still don't believe they never met up while I was out of town. That was when they started professing there love to each other.

Edit: she had been talking to him for a month by the time of the daddy/daughter dance. Now I need to look at the phone records and see if they were talking during the event.

Camping is a good idea. It's finally cooling down here, so its an option. I'm also going out of town for a week next month. My WW is terrified about it. It's a work related trip to Portland, OR.

Have you talked to an attorney yet?
Not yet, but I've been researching a lot. I mostly know what to expect. A mediator is my first choice.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 9:52 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 9/3/2019 22:11 PM

Look, you need what you need. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They have no skin in this game.

You need to take the path that best suits you.

firenze posted 9/4/2019 00:24 AM

I understand you guys really like her. She's following all the steps. Typing all the right things.

The steps she's taken, the impression she's made here, the things she's said and done since the affair, none of it means any more than the value you personally place on it. All that matters is what you believe is the best choice for your own healing. If that means divorce, then so be it. What she wants is irrelevant. She lost the right to have a say right around the time she started playing house with another man.

MickeyBill2016 posted 9/4/2019 01:41 AM

Yes I think there is some sympathy from people reading both threads. But we met her ex post facto, and what she did during her affair didn't cut us to the bone like it did to you.

You have only started on this awful path, and quickly found out hopefully most if not all about the A . Unless some new bombshells drop like it was more than one time, something she swears to or there were previous affairs things will find a bearable level. Your kid will be like a lot of other kids who have two houses. D isn;t the end of the world and your WW and you will be interacting for a very long time, maybe together maybe not but seeing a lawyer/mediator would be a good idea. For your own sake.

Why is she terrified of you going out of town for a week?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:42 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

steadychevy posted 9/4/2019 07:26 AM

That is a good question from MickeyBill. Why is she terrified?

Just because the WS is doing all the right things, saying all the right things consistently over time and are showing they are R material doesn't mean you're obligated to R. The trauma and hurt may be just too much for you. You need to do what is best for you.

It might be too early for you to really know what you want or need to do. But that is your decision no matter what your WW says or does. This soon after DDay she could still be easily be in regret vs remorse. She could easily still be doing damage control. What she does may help you with your decision but it is your decision.

It's possible that she is doing everything right and it won't ever be enough. Her doing everything right may make it harder for you to make the right decision if it is D. Again, it's your decision to make.

Neanderthal posted 9/4/2019 08:16 AM

Why is she terrified of you going out of town for a week?
I suppose I don't know that for a fact. But here is why I think that. I told her I wouldn't make any permanent decisions until October 1st at the earliest. That deadline could always move farther out. The other day I basically told her we would be divorcing. So I think she's expecting divorce papers sometime early October. She had sex with AP during her work trip. It would also be very easy for me to drink while I'm gone. I could definitely be projecting all of that. Maybe she doesn't care at all.

I do know that I plan to stay sober and not have a revenge affair .

I also want to add that I'm grateful for all the insight. If it seems like I'm purposefully trying to argue your point or advice, its because I am. That doesn't mean I don't agree with it. I have a tendency to play devils advocate in debates or arguments. I am usually pretty good at it. But more importantly I expect people to prove there point to me. So I usually don't make it easy on them. This probably isn't a great tactic here, since none of you really have anything invested in my situation. I'll try to tone that down some.

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/4/2019 12:29 PM

I do know that I plan to stay sober and not have a revenge affair.

Excellent. The last thing you need is a revenge affair. It would make you feel like crap.

numb&dumb posted 9/4/2019 14:36 PM

I will let you in on a little secret. Your M has always been optional in your life. You could have D at any point for any reason. Now that you have a reason (a really good one BTW) to D is that showing you what you've always wanted, but your sense of loyalty and duty prevented you for going through with it. You no longer feel a duty or want to remain loyal to someone who doesn't share the same values. I get it.

I've said it before. None of the next steps are pretty. None of them. That is part of the journey, but isn't the destination. What does that look like for you ? Really. No limits. What does that look like for you ?

That is all I am saying. Your shouldn't choose something in haste only to regret it later on either. If you think a D is something you need to move on. . .go for it. I sense your hesitation too. So that is why I offer alternatives.

Your shock has worn off and you are angry. I really think you need to take a break from the home life for awhile. It would do you some good to at least recharge or not make it all about the A all of the time. People burn out on surviving infidelity all the time. No rush. You've got nothing but time.

The face book thing . . .It is a prime example of her words not aligning with her actions. It is beyond hypocritical of her to say that when it was a means for her to carry out her A.

FWIW I don't know your W, I don't read her threads and I could really give two shits of what she types on SI or anywhere else. It is just words from someone you don't or shouldn't trust. Her actions are the only thing you can take at face value anymore. Spoken or written words are just words. Nothing more or less.

Anyone can talk a long, big, game, but little things (like blowing up at you regarding facebook settings) shows where their head is really at. That is not remorse. That is not understanding the burden they placed on you. It was 100% her reacting to the reality that her actions might end the M. Further she took that frustration out on you. Not good anyway you slice it.

Why would you feel safe with her reading your facebook posts ? I mean she leveraged your trust in the past to make choices that were very harmful to you and the M. I get it 100%.

Do you think you've ever be able to trust her again ? What would it take for you to see any future with her ? Rhetorical questions for you to take to IC.

Hang in there. This doesn't have to last forever.

TimSC posted 9/4/2019 15:05 PM

Why was her car tainted to the point of it being a trigger for you? No sex in the car...right?

Neanderthal posted 9/4/2019 15:30 PM

Numb&dumb,

I don't know what the destination looks like. Honestly, I can't see that far out.
Your rhetorical questions have already been asked in IC. I have no good answers to them.

I'm low on vacation days due to family problems early in the year and the days I missed after DDay. So I can't really disappear. I am doing things for myself. I participated in a 2 mile trail run on Monday. My legs still hurt. I also plan on getting back into a hobby I love soon.

I'm also not looking for an easy way out. Staying would be much easier than divorcing.

Why was her car tainted to the point of it being a trigger for you? No sex in the car...right?
I believe they did fuck in it. Although she denies it. She met him in an empty parking lot and fooled around in the back seat. She used that vehicle to drive him and his children home. They had multiple sexual encounters in that car. So yeah it was a trigger.

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