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Lost My Best Friend

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TimSC posted 9/4/2019 15:35 PM

I believe they did fuck in it. Although she denies it. She met him in an empty parking lot and fooled around in the back seat. She used that vehicle to drive him and his children home. They had multiple sexual encounters in that car. So yeah it was a trigger.

Why not polygraph to get the truth.

Trying2copeinMD posted 9/4/2019 15:44 PM

Hi neanderthal,

I can admit that I don't really Post in the jfo forum very often, but I certainly do read some of the stories from time to time.

I can totally see the anger. I think any one of us that have been betrayed can empathize with that. I don't know you nor do I know your wife, obviously. I certainly can't tell you what to do, although that's not entirely true. I could tell you, but you can choose to do it or tell me to take a long walk on a short pier. Lol

I get the anger. Oh my god, do I understand it. I'm about 2 and 1/2 years out, and I can tell you, it can be better. There was times that I had the fantasies of divorce. I look for my own place, and went to talk to a lawyer about options. I was completely blown away that my wife had another relationship during our marriage. I'm talking full fledged relationship, sex and all. The I love yous, pretty much everything that you can think of when you think of a relationship. Meanwhile, I was busting my tail at my job, and I was doing more than my fair share of child care. You're damn right I wanted a divorce! She wasn't sleeping with me, and when she was with him, she wasn't sleeping either.

I am really not sure what pushed me to stay. It was a total mind F really, because this went against all of my beliefs and values. There's a lot of self-preservation on her end, no doubt. She doesn't even make one third of my income, and I was thinking how a divorce would totally destroy her, and it actually made me smile more often than I even want to admit.

I gave myself a timeline of how long I was going to stick around. I didn't think she could ever b the partner that I damn well deserved. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me, and even thought about going around and bedding her best friends. That would show her!

the thing is, I wanted to look myself in the mirror and know that I did what was right. I also understood that no matter what I did, I could never hurt her in the same way, because I was totally blindsided. Once I realized that Justice could not be done, and I had to live with it either way, my anger slightly subsided. I was able to see her as a broken person who made some really bad choices for about 8 months. I'm not going to tell you that it doesn't still hurt, because it does. But, it hurts less and less every month. She knows what she put in Jeopardy, and she does everything she can now to make me feel like there is no one better then me.

Why did I tell you all about that? I'm hoping you can see beyond your anger. Whether you choose to r or d, that is totally your choice, but please don't do it as a way to get back at her. You will wind up disappointed, because she will never experience that same level of pain but she put you through. You might become more angry over her not realizing how bad her life is without you. If you can, please try and remember the reasons why you left her before. She maybe that very same person, wrapped up in a whole lot of guilt over how she messed everything up. You may never be the same person, she might not be either, but please don't do anything too quickly. You may come to regret that decision.

I'm not saying that my approach is the best approach. Hell, I don't even know if I'd recommend my approach, I'd still tell people to walk away. LOL. I chose not to follow my advice, and I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that you can come together with her and actually prepare yourselves a little bit before you make any decisions that could last forever.

I sincerely wish you peace right now. That's something that we can all use, but more so when you find out that your world is coming apart.

numb&dumb posted 9/4/2019 15:45 PM

It is a process Neanderthal. I am just saying if you aren't sure what you want then maybe it is the best position to bide your time while that process plays out. It does take time.

When my emotions get the better of me I tend to use a logical arguments to see a "logical" outcome. Then I try that on and see how it fits. Not a one size approach at all. I think maybe it is like a project that you work on. Somedays you now time or energy to work on said project. Other days you do. You can take that time because you know that project isn't going anywhere. Plus you want it to be perfect.

You can D, today, tomorrow, Whenever. It was/is always an option. Try the D on for awhile and see what happens. Let it become the norm and see where it lands.

Have you gotten your ducks in a row down that path ?

DoinBettr posted 9/4/2019 16:53 PM

Glad to see you are really thinking things through.
So, something that helped me get past the rage, I would hand write out a letter to myself before the affair started. Then I would usually get really worked up and rage for a bit. Then re-read the letter and think about what I was writing.
What I could and couldn't do? How I handled things versus how I could have handled them? It really helps humble you to the powerlessness you have.
Just something I had to do to stop taking responsibility. BTW - I did like 20 times or so.

GreatWideOpen posted 9/5/2019 23:03 PM

I am not a fan of your WW. I don't like her. To me she is Jekyl and Hyde, smoke and mirrors. Seems to me she seeks only to put this behind her with her life intact. Her motivations appear entitled and self centered.
Your narratives have diverged more and more over the course of the postings. Post DDay basic events line up, but the rest ... not so much.
At this point I would suggest reading her thread for two reasons. First, there have been a few jackarses putting words in your mouth that you didn't say in comments on her thread as if you did say them. Second, you don't owe her any privacy or trust at 6 weeks out and I would bet she's been monitoring your thread closely.
Last point, for me the nail in the coffin would be the brazenness of her escapades. Literally carrying on the EA and sexting portions of the affair in duality with you. Sitting next to you in the car sending selfies and stuff to him, and sending him the same sexy pics she sent you PLUS EXTRAS. This stuff is emotional violence; it's a direct act against you. If that malice was directed toward me my love of my wife would bleed out.

[This message edited by GreatWideOpen at 11:05 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

ChamomileTea posted 9/5/2019 23:57 PM

I'm not a big fan of cheaters in general, but the fact is... they ALL do horrible things while they're cheating. Don't get me wrong, I'm not encouraging an outcome either way. But as a matter of perspective, my fWH messaged his APs while I was nearby, during family events, on holidays. He had OWs in his car, told them about and showed them photos of our children and our pets. Hell, he gave them our home address, told them where I work, took videos and photos while he was fucking some of them, fucked one ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Cheaters do horrible things while they're cheating. They are terrible people while they're cheating.

It remains to be seen what kind of person they can become when they're willing to examine and repair the deficits in their character. It remains to be decided whether we, as BS, are willing to stay engaged in the relationship and the recovery process. Certainly, we don't OWE them that. But for those who do want to explore recovery, time is fluid, not static. A poor character from a year or five years ago might not be the same character as today or six months from now. People can change. It's rare and it's difficult, but it's not impossible.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/6/2019 08:13 AM

I think GreatWideOpen nailed it perfectly!

Good luck and stay strong

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/6/2019 10:21 AM

I believe they did fuck in it. Although she denies it. She met him in an empty parking lot and fooled around in the back seat. She used that vehicle to drive him and his children home. They had multiple sexual encounters in that car. So yeah it was a trigger

I think you're right. She says in her thread "We didn't have sex" (in the car) but admits to sitting there topless while he fondles her boobs and "rubbing" whatever the hell that means.

She doesn't consider this sex? What is?

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 11:31 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

oldtruck posted 9/6/2019 18:11 PM

what is his wife's screen name?

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/6/2019 18:19 PM

Starts with "I destroyed"

wifehad5 posted 9/6/2019 19:30 PM

As a reminder, DO NOT pull information between these two posters and use it against them. Give them each their space to work this out.

Marz posted 9/6/2019 21:02 PM

When I'm faced with any big decisions I put it down on paper.

Pros V's Cons

For me it makes the decision clearer.

M1965 posted 9/8/2019 09:13 AM

Hi Neanderthal,

I hope you are taking care of yourself. I think about you and your situation a lot, even though I do not post frequently in your thread.

I thought of something that you could try, just for yourself.

Could you make a list of things about your wife that you wish were different, or changes that she could make that would make you feel more comfortable with her? Do not feel bound by anything in the real world; the key to it is to write a description of how your wife would be if she could change to be a good life partner for you.

Then, when you are done, think about whether she could become that person, and discuss it with her.

It seems to me that while neither of you have been entirely in tune or synchronized with one another in the past, the real question that both of you face now is whether both of you can become more attuned to what the other needs in future.

You may be different, but it seems to me that you came together and became a couple because something drew you together. And yet the two of you seem to have been out of synch with each other at several key moments in the past.

The decisions we all face in the aftermath of infidelity can be divided between the past and the future.

For some, what was done in the past can become paramount. Our cheating spouse did x, y, and z, and therefore the marriage must end. It does not matter whether or not they might have the potential to become a better, safer life partner in future; they did what they did, and they have to go as a result.

For others, it is a question of whether a cheating spouse can change, and become the life-partner that they need/want. That is the reason that I have suggested you think about what you would want from your wife for her to be more in synch with what you need.

Your wife cannot change her past, but she can change her future. If she can change her future to be more like the list of your needs, then perhaps it would be worth giving her a chance to prove that.

Let's say that you give her a year to change, and to develop better boundaries and become more honest. What would you lose by doing that?

Based purely on past actions, you could dump your wife and move on, but doing that would rule out her making changes to become more like what you need.

Might it not be worth giving her a year to work on herself before you call it quits and move on?

DjDjani posted 9/8/2019 13:08 PM

I will tell you only one thing. Tommorow go to the layer office and file for divorce. Tell her that in order for you two to be together,you must divorce her,she has to give you everything in the divorce and full custody of the kids,and when divorce is final,then you will date her. And she will then have a chance to win you over again. And if you two remarried again,she would have to sign a prenup that if she cheats again,you get everything again. And when you tell her that,you will know for sure if she is worth to be with.

DjDjani posted 9/8/2019 13:12 PM

Becouse when she refuses that,you will know that she is in damage control and that she dont give a fuck about you,she doesnt want to loose stability and time with kids.
That is why she is trying to trick you to stay in the marriage,becouse of her own benefit.

ChamomileTea posted 9/8/2019 13:15 PM

Giving one's CHILDREN up is NOT a measurement of love and caring for the spouse.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/8/2019 13:44 PM

DJ is absolutely correct!!!

Great advice

Ginny posted 9/8/2019 13:58 PM

No, thatís not great advice, DJ. No one would expect his wife to make that kind of deal. Absurd.

Marz posted 9/8/2019 14:06 PM

Change is a big important word. The problem is it may or may not be permanent. Past behavior does indicate the capability is there. No guarantees one way or the other.

A lot will take a chance. That is what it is. Just a chance.

Do you feel lucky?

Trdd posted 9/8/2019 15:22 PM

Agree with both Chamomile and Ginny, custody of children is not something to be messed with as a bargaining ploy nor something you should expect a mother to give up.

D without lawyers, using a mediator etc is something a remorseful WS would consider. Not giving up custody.

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