Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Lost My Best Friend

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45

WilliamM posted 8/1/2019 11:39 AM

I've read this thread and you are getting great advice. I would only suggest that you and your wife NOT read each other's thread. Sometimes it can cause big problems and the spouse will write what they think the other want to hear, a the person is not fully honest. Plus you will get cross talk from those following your story. Just be mindful of that.

babypuke posted 8/1/2019 11:58 AM

I've given her a list of things mentioned above to do. She's already ordered the book, and is planning on posting here at SI. She told me I could read her forum too.

I'm afraid....Afraid to read the timeline she creates. Afraid to read her side of this on SI.

Hey man, all this is not a fun activity, not a fun activity for you and not a fun activity for her, but she is making an effort and has good intentions, and for now that is a good and positive thing, right? Furthermore, you are not alone, this website and its members are here for you, and will pull you through. Strength!

[This message edited by babypuke at 12:02 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Oldwounds posted 8/1/2019 12:10 PM

I'm sorry you've become a part of a group you never asked to be in.

Make sure to take care of yourself -- sometimes eating and sleeping are a lot more difficult during the initial shock of it all. Check out the healing library here and keep reading and posting (and venting as needed). This place was a great resource for my healing.

In your situation I think the only way forward is a change of jobs. Maybe it will take some time, but one person or the other has to be removed from the shared environment of the work space.

There has to be absolutely NO contact with this person to get out of infidelity. It's not quite the same as fighting substance addiction, but it's pretty close during the affair. It takes time for someone to extricate themselves from the narrative of rationalizations they generate in order to attempt to justify their poor choices.

I know it can't seem like it today, but you'll get through this. Everyone does...eventually.


Stevesn posted 8/1/2019 12:41 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:50 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Neanderthal posted 8/1/2019 12:47 PM

I would only suggest that you and your wife NOT read each other's thread

I'm struggling with this. My need to understand is making it hard to not read it.

Make sure to take care of yourself

I'm not doing that very well. I've already lost a lot of weight the last two weeks. I do force myself to eat, especially around my daughter. I started taking Unisom to help me sleep, but its still a struggle.

Stevesn posted 8/1/2019 12:51 PM

M1965 makes a good point I would like to elaborate on.

When I said that she needs to document a plan to make you feel safe, that not only means safe from the other man, but ALL Other Men. If she stays in this profession she will still be in contact with lots of Dads. For years....

How will she make you feel safe while still Interacting with both single and married dads the next 20 years? Thatís something she now has to think about.

How will she make you feel safe that sheís not ducking out onto the school baseball field with some other cheating husband whom she talked to from school? She needs to be working on that thru both IC and independent study on her own.

No more new male friends should be a theme you discuss in the work you do to rebuild.

Let me know if you have questions on this.

Stevesn posted 8/1/2019 13:23 PM

Neanderthal

I want you to know that you will recover from this. I know this is very painful. Iím sorry this has happened to you, but now that it has you need to know you are doing the right things.

You will need to take time to decide if this is an absolute deal breaker for you and you need to move on via D or if you are able to put in the hard work to have a good healthy marriage going forward.

This is now part of your marital history, but there are no perfect marriages. Even those without infidelity have issues. So you are in no way alone.

A lot will depend on your W and the amount of work she is willing to put into rebuilding g what she has torn down. There have been many cases where the WS has realized what is truly important to them and also understands the absolute pain they have inflicted and dedicates themselves to repairing what they have broken.

There are many others where the WS is just not able or willing to do that.

Time will tell they type of spouse your W is.

In the meantime, as we have said, continue to post and work on you. Youíve taken good first steps. But itís a long and tiring road back to happiness, and there are many paths to take, so I wish you strength for your journey.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:24 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 8/1/2019 13:47 PM

There are things that dont ring true. I strongly recommend a polygraph. You can not attempt reconciliation without the truth. And you deserve nothing less.

Neanderthal posted 8/1/2019 14:30 PM

There are things that dont ring true. I strongly recommend a polygraph. You can not attempt reconciliation without the truth. And you deserve nothing less.

Can you elaborate your concerns?

HellFire posted 8/1/2019 14:44 PM

It was a 6 month full blown affair. Having sex one time,and stopping halfway through,with a man she has told you she loved,or thought she loved at the time, doesn't ring true.

Freshly caught WS tend to lie. A lot. They only give their BS the tip of the iceberg. Saying the sex happened once is a common lie they tell. Saying they stopped in the middle of it is also extremely common.

Married men don't typically have an affair to send texts, and talk sweet. They are in it for the sex. Yet she claims sex didn't happen for 5.5 months of the affair.

It doesn't pass the sniff test.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:45 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Neanderthal posted 8/1/2019 14:50 PM

It doesn't pass the sniff test

ugh. I just got that sick to my stomach feeling again.

Oldwounds posted 8/1/2019 15:13 PM

ugh. I just got that sick to my stomach feeling again.

Yeah, it happens a lot early on.

There is a term called 'trickle truth' where only some aspects of the affair are made known and more of the facts arrive later on. And each time a WS does it, they claim to be protecting you from additional pain -- but the extra deceit makes it tougher to recover. They're protecting themselves from looking at the damage caused by their actions. Unfortunately, it's extremely common.

My wife wasn't caught, she confessed and yet, it took her four months to actually get ALL of the truth out. It started as "once" then a few times, etc.

I'm not doing that very well. I've already lost a lot of weight the last two weeks. I do force myself to eat, especially around my daughter. I started taking Unisom to help me sleep, but its still a struggle.

The whole fight or flight system is in overdrive -- drink lots of water too. Nap whenever possible, and despite self care being the last thing on your mind, try anyway. Keeping your head as clear as possible will help you get to a point where you can decide what you need to do next.

HellFire posted 8/1/2019 15:18 PM

I'm sorry. I just feel you deserve to know the truth. She had lied to you hundreds of times over the 6 month period. To believe everything she is telling you now would be unwise. You may have that rare unicorn of a WS who is completely honest upon getting caught. But the odds aren't in your favor.

Read here in this forum,and you will see how common it is for a WS to say the same things. How they minimize the sex. How often a BS is told that they stopped in the middle of the sex. How they claim it was once,but then the BS finds out it was a lot more than that.

A polygraph will give you a foundation of truth, as you attempt reconciliation. And it is way more common that most people realize.

Have you been able to retrieve her deleted texts,and messages? You may have mentioned it, and I missed it. If not, try to do so. Or contact the OBS and ask her if she has that information.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:19 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Stevesn posted 8/1/2019 16:02 PM

Recommend that you tell her to ensure she tells you everything in the timeline she is writing because she will have to take a Polygraph to confirm it all.

That should get her thinking.

Also, point her to Josephís Letter here on SI in The Healing Library. Have her read it and discuss it.

Neanderthal posted 8/1/2019 16:04 PM

Have you been able to retrieve her deleted texts,and messages? You may have mentioned it, and I missed it. If not, try to do so. Or contact the OBS and ask her if she has that information.

No I haven't tried. I know they both deleted anything incriminating.

Robert22205https posted 8/1/2019 16:35 PM

Is my understanding correct, that your wife never confessed but rather you caught them together in field near the school?

The timeline (subject to a polygraph) will likely make you sick but it will also inform you just what you are dealing with.


Robert22205https posted 8/1/2019 16:37 PM

There are software programs for recovering text messages.

Neanderthal posted 8/1/2019 16:52 PM

its my understanding correct, that your wife never confessed but rather you caught them together in field near the school?

That's not how I found out.

The day before Dday she had the nerve to ask me if it was ok for her to go to his house and watch his kids. My response was: "Boy you sure are getting chummy with Chris."
she got very defensive and i knew something was wrong. I came home and she assured me there was nothing. i confided again that i dont want to lose her and ill do anything. She did a good job of making me feel bad.

The next day i still had that feeling in my stomach. So at work, while she was at his house, i started looking at her phone records.

They talked constantly. thousands of texts in the last few months, and some very long phone calls. Plus i could see she sent him pictures, but i didnt know what the pictures were.

I dont delete texts so i looked at all the sexy type pictures shes sent me over the last few months, made a note of the date and time. Sure enough she was sending him those same pictures within minutes of me. She also sne him much more, but i dont know what those pics were.

I left work early, feeling like i was going to die. I waited for her to get home from his house. I asked for her phone, and found that she had deleted everything trashy plus some. Infact after i talked to her the evening before, she had texted him multiple times and even talked to him for 10 minutes. All that was deleted. She wouldn't admit anything.

FINALLY she admitted to flirting and pictures. So i called the OM form her phone and set up a meet. On our way to drop my daughter off at her grandpas house, she admitted to sex. But only because i was screaming at her in the car.

Im not proud of that. My daughter shouldnt have heard any of that.

Wife and I met the OM at the school. IDK why i picked there. I made him tell his wife, on the phone in front of me. Then i guess i lost it and he was balled up on the ground.

Thats my Dday in a nut shell. I got a 30 pack and drank till i pissed myself.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 9:20 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Stevesn posted 8/1/2019 21:03 PM

Hi there N. Youíre doing great It may not seem like it but you are.

I want to be honest here with you so I wanted to tell you that not one Wayward spouse innately knows how to repair the damage that their infidelity has caused. Thatís not something as humans we have built into us.

Itís really a learned skill.

Thru talking and reading and therapy they are able to realize the damage their actions have caused and also how to handle it all once itís happened. She will get a lot of that support from the Wayward Side. They will not let her get away with anything. Itís good she is there.

Just as an example Iíd guess that 99% of all WSís delete the incriminating texts. Itís a natural reflex. But truly if they realized how much more hurtful it is for the BS to imagine what were in them vs reading the real thing, they wouldnít do that if they wanted the best chance t rebuilding.

The true test Neanderthal is not how much they innately know how to help heal their partner, but how WILLING they are to absorb and implement what they learn the next weeks and months.

A WS who works her or his ass off to do the absolute right things to repair the damage is one that we can call a good candidate for R, especially if you can tell sheís doing it because sheís as devastated as you that she did this to her true love and her family.

It will take months or even years for the pain to dull N. But when it does, and it will, if you can look back and see her willingness to do the right things and not ever put the blame one you, then you will have a chance to fall back in love with her again. It wonít be the same way you did the first time. But it is possible for it to be a stronger relationship than before.

So donít despair too much when the plan for reconciliation she documents is woefully inadequate. We expect it to be. But if sheís diligent about working it with you until itís right and then works her ass off to implement it, then you actually will know you have something to work with.

So take this slow. Donít rush the process. And keep posting.

Let us know what questions you have. You do t have to go thru this alone.

GreatWideOpen posted 8/1/2019 23:12 PM

Hey Neanderthal, I am so sorry for your situation. Please get your support system in place: IC, trusted friends and family. I believe your situation is going to get much worse. Your wife fits the mold of a "whatever he asked for he got" wayward. She was way far gone when your gut finally boiled over. She was trying to play house with him in plain sight! She did a lot in those months . It's gonna shred you.
Try to recover her deleted phone content, and line her activities up as best you can with the life you were living at home.
Was she denying you sex? Scheduling your sex more than usual? Trying new things with you? Not letting you go down on her? Buying new underwear? Showering at off times? Picking fights in odd or persistent ways?
I do hope I'm wrong. Lean on people who love and care about you and people who are trained to help BSs.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy