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Lost My Best Friend

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steadychevy posted 9/15/2019 16:20 PM

Give me a fucking break. Google "signs spouse is cheating"

[This message edited by steadychevy at 4:20 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

StillHearEchoes posted 9/15/2019 22:40 PM

"Signs of cheating", not "signs I might cheat later".

GoldenR posted 9/16/2019 01:24 AM

Well we don't get many stories that start off with "My wife is 150 lbs overweight and only wears sweats".

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:25 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/17/2019 20:11 PM

Neanderthal,

Just wanted to let you know that many of us are thinking about you and hoping that you are ok. I hope that whatever course of action you decide, that it leads to healing and happiness. NONE of this is your fault. All fault rests at the feet of your wife.

I wish you well.
Stay strong, and enjoy life, especially every moment you spend with your daughter.

beenthereinco posted 9/19/2019 15:14 PM

Hi Neanderthal,
Hope you're doing okay. Just wanted to bump this up and say that there are folks thinking of you.

emergent8 posted 9/20/2019 11:46 AM

Hi Neanderthal,

How are you doing today? I know you had mentioned that you do not intend to reply here anymore. Is that (a) because you don't feel like you are getting anything from here anymore (b) because you (justifiably) feel like you are not being treated fairly anymore or (c) because your wife is reading? Are you still reading? Would you consider starting a new thread? Do you prefer to PM? Please reach out if you think you would benefit from it.

I hope you're coping as well as you can expect in the circumstances? How's the biking?

Neanderthal posted 9/20/2019 14:40 PM

Hi guys.

I appreciate the thoughts. I'm still kicking....barely. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster!

How are you doing today? I know you had mentioned that you do not intend to reply here anymore. Is that (a) because you don't feel like you are getting anything from here anymore (b) because you (justifiably) feel like you are not being treated fairly anymore or (c) because your wife is reading? Are you still reading? Would you consider starting a new thread? Do you prefer to PM?
I'm ok I guess. I've been in a constant state of numb for a while now. I've only cried a couple times in weeks. Hooray me!

I haven't been replying for all those reasons emergent8. I'm always reading. I'm sure I spend an unhealthy amount of time reading on this site.

I've had a couple different threads started in different sections. Divorce and Reconciliation, but I didn't submit either of them. Its been that kind of week.

I've been PMing a few members on here. Getting enough boost to keep me afloat.

Since my last post, I got hammered by two trickle truth sessions days apart. I shouldn't say hammered, I brought it on myself. All I have to do is stop asking, I know she would never openly share.

After the first day of questioning, I thought I saw genuine emotions from her. A true come-to-jesus event. But it was all in my head. I saw what I was hoping for. Hope is a terrible thing.

I thought I was seeing genuine remorse, or at least her understanding the consequences of all her actions. You see I thought I finally had most of the details. I knew I'd never find out everything. There relationship was to common to remember every intimate detail. I thought she was done lying to me, minimizing, TTing, being selfish. Oh was I wrong.

After the first TT session, I felt a sense of calm. I felt hope. She is human after all! That means now finally we can begin to heal.

I love my wife. I wasn't ready to let her go, not without a fight. Those of you on Team D at all cost, I'm sorry I let you down(for now).

Divorce was never something I wanted. I thought that was what I supposed to do. Maybe I just wasn't strong enough to do it.

I wanted to offer her a chance at R. I never actually told her that, but my actions gave away what I truly wanted.....her. We had a good couple days. We went to the movies(I cried), dinner, some good talks(I thought). I even tried to reclaim that Main street walk with her. That was really forking hard BTW.
Bigger, if your still listening. I was working through some of your amazing 5 year plan posts. I was trying to start implementing them. I was ready for the multi year shit show commitment.

Then Wednesday nights trickle truth session happened. Just like every other time, she would show a crack in her armor. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. So id start interrogation mode all over again. She start with something small like admitting to a dinner date I didn't know about. That's her M.O. Give the bare minimum and hope he stops asking questions. I never stop, why don't I stop!?

This was the worst TT by far. I guess mentally and physically I just cant handle it anymore. I couldn't stop shaking. My interrogation turned into me begging for it to be over. Say it all so I don't have to go through this again. I pleaded with her. Please stop hurting me. I guess it was the worst because I had created hope for the first time. I was thinking she might become a better person.

What have I learned?
She was with him way more then I thought.
They were sexually active with each other way more then I thought. She's still holding on to the intercourse only once lie. But everything else was pretty common amongst them.
She really liked the thrill of getting away with it and the thrill of almost getting caught. Doing sexual acts while his kids were in the next room, with the door open! Makes me want to vomit. Walking together, holding hands, and kissing on a busy main street where I have friends living a block or two away.
Sexual acts during the daytime at a busy gas station.

She really really loved him. Her actions definitely proved that. I wont go into detail, but I believe she was in it for the long haul. The AP ass whooping, AP being a serial cheater and him knowingly sharing his STD's are probably the only reasons she doesn't think that way now. Had he been a halfway decent human being....I believe she would have left.

Where does that leave me know you ask? I'm tired, like no eff's given tired. I don't have anymore strength to fight this madness. I'm going to retreat and lick my wounds for 30 years or so.

She's scrambling for a polygraph. I'm not sure why. Maybe she really has told me everything(doubtful). Maybe she loves to hurt me, and really wants to participate in a parking lot confession. I told her it doesn't matter. I'm too broke to go anywhere.

If you've read this far. Please No 2x4's. Not today. Team D and Team R take a break for a minute, and just stop in and say hello.

Marz posted 9/20/2019 14:52 PM

Why not just drop everything and have a good weekend. Maybe go visit a friend, relative, etc. by yourself.

I'd recommend a BBQ. Hot dogs, burgers and cold beer. Nothing like getting back to the basics.

HellFire posted 9/20/2019 14:53 PM

You keep asking because you want,need, and deserve the truth.

I'm so very sorry. So freaking sorry.

I'm not Team R, or Team D. I'm Team H. Team Healing.

There are hundreds of threads here, on the damage of TT. I'm sorry it didn't sink in for her.

Please stop beating yourself up. None of this is your fault. You don't deserve this

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:53 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 9/20/2019 15:13 PM

Wow, sounds like you had a really rough time. Sorry you are suffering.

I too would recommend you give yourself a break. Take your daughter somewhere for the weekend, or spend some time with friends.

Play golf or some other activity you enjoy but haven't been able to do for a while. Preferably not alone though.

steadychevy posted 9/20/2019 15:29 PM

The drug hopium. It's addictive. I was addicted.

TT is so painful. I had to act like an interrogator, too. Why not just tell me instead of me having to drag every syllable out.

Glad you checked in Neanderthal. Are you getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation really takes you down and lowers your resistance and strength to everything. If you aren't I suggest you go to your doctor and get something to help you sleep.

Buster123 posted 9/20/2019 15:36 PM

I'm glad to see you back, try to focus on yourself now at least for a few days, try not to think about the A (I know, easier said than done but try anyway), hit the gym, golf, pool, watch a few games with friends, etc., then after a few weeks prepare yourself mentally for the polygraph, go through with it, it would probably help you to make peace with it all. Have a nice weekend.

nekonamida posted 9/20/2019 17:27 PM

Neanderthal, take good care of yourself. Some time away with just your DD is great advice.

Do you finally feel like you have the truth? Or do you think there is more?

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/20/2019 18:22 PM

Neanderthal,

I cannot put into words how sorry I am for you.

Hope can be such a devastating drug when it is destroyed.

I am not telling you to get a divorce, nor am I telling you to reconcile.

Right now I think you are in danger of doing something very very foolish.

Please find a friend that you can lean on in real Life, please do not just rely on friends online.

I understand you may not want to burden a friend with all of this, but if roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want a friend to come to you for help?

Please, just take this weekend off. Please, pretend that nothing is wrong with your wife. Please, spend as much time with your daughter as possible. Play with her as often as possible, hug her as often as you can. And then talk to and lean on that real life friend.

There are a great number of people in your life that care about you, and want nothing but the best for you. If you ask, they will be more than happy to help you out.

Please, Take care of yourself. Right now you are in survival mode. Don’t try to solve the problems, just survive.

I hang in there, you are stronger than you think.
You will survive. You will get through this hell.

You can definitely do this.

Butforthegrace posted 9/20/2019 18:47 PM

Then Wednesday nights trickle truth session happened. Just like every other time, she would show a crack in her armor. I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. So id start interrogation mode all over again. She start with something small like admitting to a dinner date I didn't know about. That's her M.O. Give the bare minimum and hope he stops asking questions. I never stop, why don't I stop!?

This was the worst TT by far. I guess mentally and physically I just cant handle it anymore. I couldn't stop shaking. My interrogation turned into me begging for it to be over. Say it all so I don't have to go through this again. I pleaded with her. Please stop hurting me. I guess it was the worst because I had created hope for the first time. I was thinking she might become a better person.

That sounds awful. TT is a euphemism, really, for "still lying." In an earlier post you said she was good at lying and does it a lot. A lot of posters at that time sided with her and didn't believe you, but we see now that you were right all along.

Early version of the A that she tried to sell: Some flirting, a few meet-ups with kissing, sex once, but mostly nipped in the bud by your discovery.

Version you know now: Extensive involvement emotionally and sexually, blending your kids with his in an effort to blend families, lots of sex of various kinds, lying to you and protecting the truth of the A from you, gaslighting you about the A when you expressed concern, rejecting your offers to fix the marriage and instead ramping it up to unprotected sex.

It definitely calls into question her explanation of how the A began. She said she volunteered to proctor a club for kids at school (was it chess?) and by "coincidence" the AP was also a volunteer. In the bright light of hindsight, it seems like there was no coincidence. Rather, a carefully planned scheme to carry out the A under your nose.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:22 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Jsmart posted 9/20/2019 20:10 PM

She really really loved him. Her actions definitely proved that. I wont go into detail, but I believe she was in it for the long haul. The AP ass whooping, AP being a serial cheater and him knowingly sharing his STD's are probably the only reasons she doesn't think that way now. Had he been a halfway decent human being....I believe she would have left.

From what has been revealed on both threads, it really did look like she was doing the blended family test run. She is of course rewriting the history of the affair to make it seem that she wasn’t completely in love with this loser. Her coldness towards you during the affair wasn’t because of you playing video games , it was her trying to be faithful to her new man. Her actions scream out how much she was on team OM.

Giving BJs in the back of a gas station during the day? Walking hand in hand around your small city? Sending OM nude pics and videos? I guess she was just an out of control junkie who couldn't help herself. Being an educated professional and a married mother couldn't stop her.

The fog cleared because of her seeing you kick POS' ass. Absent that, she would still be in the fog and at risk of breaking contact. Him being a serial cheater would not stop a WW in love. Him having an std would slow her down at best. No doubt about it, the beat down was the key.

That's the difficulty you're having. It's not just the big F you that she did by having sex with POS after your soft confrontation. It's that you now realize how in love she was. How if POS would have been a better catch and if he possibly would have bested you in your confrontation, she would still be on team OM.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 5:57 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 9/20/2019 21:36 PM

It's been a difficult week N. If you can, can you go visit a friend of relative for the weekend. Have someone vent to. To go out with. Do something that will get your mind away from continually thinking about WW betrayal. You need some time for you. Let your WW watch DD for the weekend. Go get away if its possible. Take some time for you. Wish you the best.

Odonna posted 9/21/2019 03:42 AM

If you can wear out your body with exercise, followed by a sauna or swim or massage, you will be amazed at the psychological benefits. Try it!

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:04 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

rugswept posted 9/21/2019 12:40 PM

We're now approaching the point in this whole episode where the truth is finally known. It's clear that N (Neanderthal) has been dead on all along and completely read his WW correctly from the very beginning. My goodness, he was ahead of the whole thing while the A was intensifying and made attempts to end it.

It's turning out that TT from WW was endless. At this rate no one should believe anything from her about anything. We all know that cheaters are liars but her lies were spectacular.

N has been thru so much in all this. It's clear how much he really did cherish that woman. I think it can still work out for them, only because of the endurance of N. Hopefully WW can finally decide to give up the rest of what she's hiding.

I just hope N has the strength to get through the endless trail of lies. My biggest concern would be the apparent ability of WW to glom onto something she just must have and nothing else matters. For a while it was AP and now it's N.

We wish you well N. You've been such a committed person to your W and your child. That deserves much praise. Were we all as strong as you have been.

TimSC posted 9/22/2019 12:38 PM

She does not include multiple instances of oral sex as having "sex" with AP.

Oral to her is only "messing around".

Was her last name (no politics) prior to marriage?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:27 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

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