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Lost My Best Friend

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Neanderthal posted 10/8/2019 09:58 AM

Thank you everyone for the well wishes, prayers and support. My mom's funeral service was yesterday. It was a wonderful, yet terrible event. The room was filled with people who loved my mom, or loved my sister and her family. My mom and sister have made an amazing impact on alot of people's lives. I found plenty of comfort from them, but I still felt very much alone. All these people were her support system not mine.

As the service started I couldn't help but notice there was an empty seat next to me. Kind of fitting really. That seat should have been been occupied by a loving life partner that I no longer have.

Overall it was a good trip. My nieces and nephews are amazing kids. Young adults actually, starting there own families. One has a year old baby boy, another is expecting twins! That's some Lion King circle of life shit.

Now I travel home to my broken marriage. First I'll see if I can even look at my WW. Then decide on the polygraph. She's already been prepping me for when she fails it. Instead of being relieved that she can prove her story, she's says she's concerned she will be telling the truth and still fail. She has said multiple times that she hopes I'll still give us a chance if she fails. All I hear is manipulation. Reminding me it's not foolproof. Trying to create doubt in my mind. It is terribly sad that's all I think my wife is capable of now. I fully expect a parking lot confession or her to fail...... maybe both.

I guess the one good thing about my mom passed away is this. If I can survive this loss without my wife, I can survive anything without her. I don't need her......

But I sure did want her.

Newlifeisgreat posted 10/8/2019 10:18 AM

Iím sorry to read about your mother, and the emotionally draining funeral. They are never easy.

The last thing I want to do is to bring you more pain, but I would like to ask you a question.

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Stop torturing yourself. You are tying yourself into knots trying to get through this Hell. Why?

What are you hoping to find out with the polygraph? Isnít the fact that she f_cked one guy enough of a dealbreaker? It seems to me that you are simply pain shopping.

You told her you would not make a decision until October. Well, look at the calendar. Stop allowing her to play her little games. Stop allowing her to manipulate you. Please
Stop allowing you to hurt you.

Please go see a lawyer and get the process started.

Good luck, stay strong. And I promise that things will get better once you decide On a plan of action

Odonna posted 10/8/2019 10:59 AM

My thoughts are with you today. No advice, just a sisterly hug....

Bigger posted 10/8/2019 11:56 AM

IMHO the poly needs to serve a very specific purpose, and that purpose isnít really to tell you if you know the truth.

Itís like a really tough entry exam to a tough course. One that if you fail you donít get to go further. If you pass you are allowed to enter the tough course, with no guarantee of success.

Itís both tough on you and on her.

Tough on you because if you are not willing to pull out your pen-knife and start sawing at that stuck arm (N knows what Iím talking aboutÖ) then donít have her take the test. The poly is the test that gives you an indication of if reconciliation can be reached, or if you need to cut your losses.

To me the key answer the poly gives is not necessarily if sheís telling you the truth or not. The key issue is that you should have told her that a major KEY to reconciliation is that YOU attain a sense where YOU think you have the truth. Another KEY to reconciliation is that she trusts you enough to tell you the truth. Another key to reconciliation is that sheís humble enough to be totally open.

The poly should give you answers to all these points.
If she passes you can assume you know the truth. Yes Ė more will come out. The details and all that. But passing the poly SHOULD give you the 80/20 ratio that can be worked on.
If she passes it indicates she has enough belief in this marriage that she trusts you.
If she passes it indicates sheís understanding the scope and the seriousness of her actions.

ButÖ If she failsÖ Itís the exact opposite.

We had a poster come here some years ago whose wife insisted her affair wasnít physical. He gave her all the chances imaginable to come clean. Her story (as shared by him) made the odds of this not being physical lower than winning the Jackpot. Time with OM spent in a hotel-room, sexy secret lingerie, toys, explicit texts and mailsÖ name itÖ The poster had it all. Yet she denied, even after totally failing a poly. This was 3-5 years ago, and this poster is still trying to reconcile his marriage. He still posts every now and then and based on what I have read heís miserable and doing his best to convince himself that MAYBE his wife didnít have a sexual affair.
What heís missing IMHO is that sex or not isnít really the issue: Do you know the TRUTH and are you rebuilding from truth is the real issue. He doesnít know the TRUTH because his wife doesnít trust him for the truth.

Please N Ė donít be that guy.
Make it very clear to your WW that this is the chance to come clean.
IF she passes you two might make things better.
IF she failsÖ
WellÖ N Ė I hope you donít do like that poster. I hope you donít hang around in a miserable marriage and try to justify it with some ďbetter for the kidsĒ or ď7% of polyís might be wrongĒ. If you arenít willing to believe the result there is not gain whatsoever for you to go through with it.

If you arenít willing to make this poly be your line in the sand on what path gets prominence Ė R or D Ė then skip it.


emergent8 posted 10/8/2019 12:27 PM

Thanks for the update, Neanderthal. I'm glad your mother's service went well and that your trip was good. Good luck heading home today. I'm sure you cannot wait to give your little girl a big hug.

She's already been prepping me for when she fails it. Instead of being relieved that she can prove her story, she's says she's concerned she will be telling the truth and still fail. She has said multiple times that she hopes I'll still give us a chance if she fails. All I hear is manipulation. Reminding me it's not foolproof. Trying to create doubt in my mind.

Ugh... I've done my best to not make any comments about your wife, but this *REALLY* pisses me off. She's basically telling you that there is stuff that you don't know but she's willing to bank on the fact that you wont ask those questions when it comes to polygraph time. Some of this is maybe a little understandable post-D-Day when WS are in hardcore self-preservation mode, but the more that time progresses, the more her window for this to be forgivable is closing. I cannot imagine there is anything that she could have done then that is worse than what she's doing right now.

Neanderthal, when you're ready, I really do encourage you to go through with the polygraph. She has talked a big game, but her inaction here speaks VOLUMES. I never ended up doing a polygraph but my husband would have jumped to do one, if it meant that it would help earn back my trust.

Take your time if you need it - you have been through two incredible traumas recently so it is absolutely understandable if you need a minute. Take this time to sort out the consequences of her failure. Do not proceed until you've worked them out in your head and you feel like you can enforce them.... I imagine that you do not want her to fail (of course not, you love your wife), but you obviously cannot control her. What you CAN control is you and your boundaries and what you are willing to accept for your relationship moving forward.

I can tell that you are actually stronger now than you were when you first arrived here. I really hope she gets her act together fast.

emergent8 posted 10/8/2019 12:31 PM

Bigger and I cross-posted but I agree with EVERYTHING he wrote.

The poly is the test that gives you an indication of if reconciliation can be reached, or if you need to cut your losses.

^^^
THIS!!!!

MickeyBill2016 posted 10/8/2019 14:15 PM

As someone who lost both my mom and wife in about 4 months I feel your pain. Ther eis an emptiness when both of the rocks in your life are gone.You will get thru it but it takes a long long time. I miss mom waaaay more than xwife. Hug your kid and be with your family.

Sad to hear she is preparing you for her failing the poly.
We all know what that means and is not good.

What my my XW did pales in comparison to your WW actions. But I was still shocked when I stopped trusting her to be honest with me.

The roller coaster will end someday. Trust me.

Bro hug..

beenthereinco posted 10/8/2019 14:21 PM

She's already been prepping me for when she fails it. Instead of being relieved that she can prove her story, she's says she's concerned she will be telling the truth and still fail. She has said multiple times that she hopes I'll still give us a chance if she fails.

I'm sorry but this is not a good sign at all. I'm sure you know this but that is some next level BS there. She's still holding onto something. No matter how much she sees that it hurts you. I don't know if it is more with this particular OM or perhaps a whole different Affair but she has more secrets. I'm sorry.

Butforthegrace posted 10/8/2019 14:24 PM

But I sure did want her.

When one is partnered, such as in a marriage, one comes to view the world from the point of view of being part of a couple. Feeling single seems foreign and almost naked. Like a paradigm shift.

The way I got past that was to remember that I was single before I met my WXGF, and I was fine. More than fine; I was happy. I was able to go back to that place internally and find that same happiness.

Then I met a new woman who has been my wife for a great many years.

Neanderthal posted 10/8/2019 15:07 PM

Bigger, I don't want to be "that guy". It's definitely a line in the sand I won't move on.

If she fails, I know I gave her more than enough time to do the right thing. I know divorce is the correct path.

If she passes with no parking lot confession, I have a path towards Reconciliation.

If she confesses more before the poly and then passes.....I suppose it will all depend on what she admits too.

I have questions planned that I don't believe she will be expecting.

To almost everyone other than bigger,
I understand I should divorce her, regardless of the outcome of the poly. But understand this, I wasn't happy before her. She is/has been my only love. I'm sure that is holding me back from letting her go. I'm not saying I'm not capable of being happy without her, I just don't want to...yet.

Why am I torturing myself? Because I have to know I tried everything I'm capable of first before walking away.

October was soft deadline. It was just a date to keep me from rushing a decision. Then my mom passed away. I'd say that's a fairly good reason to fudge that date a little.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 4:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 10/8/2019 16:21 PM

I don't think what Bigger said at all implied that you should divorce her regardless of the poly. Oh no. Bigger is very even handed with his advice. He just stated that you really need to have a line in the sand probably because you've attempted to draw multiple lines in the sand and have caved on every single one. I trust that a failed polygraph probably would finally be enough for you but I can't really blame Bigger for questioning whether you're capable of following through with D if it came to that.

You should keep taking time to focus on yourself and what you need outside of your WW in light of this new tragedy. It's understandable that you won't feel particularly keen on dealing with the A, R, or D for a bit. But whatever you do, don't use this time off as an excuse to not draw those lines in the sand or renegotiate your needs so that you can keep holding off on ending limbo.

Neanderthal posted 10/8/2019 16:29 PM

I don't think what Bigger said at all implied that you should divorce her regardless of the poly. Oh no. Bigger is very even handed with his advice.
I'm sorry I was responding to more than just bigger. I'm usually better at splitting up my responses. I know he's not implying divorce at all costs.

Buffer posted 10/8/2019 20:16 PM

Neanderthal
Brother, I have been following your posts and really feel your pain. It doesnít seem to ever end.
My condolences re the loss of your mother.
Your year has really been crap.

With the polygraph, you and only you, know what is acceptable re car park confessions, inconclusive or deceptive responses.

I just hope you can recover to Do what is right by you. No one can say you havenít tried to R for the sake of your child and to maintain the home you love. I hope your WW is making you feel safe and not gaslighting you about not passing due to anxiety etc

Good luck to you

emergent8 posted 10/9/2019 10:56 AM

How did your arrival home go? Was it strange to see your WW after this time apart?

Neanderthal posted 10/9/2019 12:24 PM

How did your arrival home go? Was it strange to see your WW after this time apart?
It definitely didn't go the way she was expecting. Honestly I didn't know how I'd react either. More or less I didn't even acknowledge her at the airport. I could tell that bothered her. By the time we got home she had shutdown like usual.

I think that's the first time I've left for a trip and didn't kiss her goodbye or hello upon return.

Although she wasn't with me, she did do a couple things unexpected that were very nice. My sister and I appreciated them. So I guess I'll give her credit for that.

emergent8 posted 10/9/2019 12:57 PM

What was she expecting? Did you guys talk about it afterwards?

Alonelyagain posted 10/9/2019 15:58 PM

I think that's the first time I've left for a trip and didn't kiss her goodbye or hello upon return.

Neanderthal, Iíve read your thread from the beginning, but havenít commented until now. The above-quoted sentence from your last post really resonates with me. While I was married, I would get up early for work, get dressed, and then go over and get a goodbye kiss from my semi-sleeping wife as I was leaving for work every single day. One morning post-DD, I didnít go over and get a goodbye kiss from WW. As I was looking back while walking out the bedroom door, I saw that this omission had registered with her. In retrospect, I think that was the death knell for our marriage even though we didnít actually divorce until years later.

SorrowfulMoon posted 10/9/2019 16:06 PM

It is your choice Neanderthal.

You have enough advice to make an informed decision whatever the result of the Poly.

There is a fine line between been advised by posters and being told what to do. Fortunately you seem strong enough to make the decision that is in your opinion best for you, so just do that when the time comes.

Good luck.

Westway posted 10/9/2019 16:12 PM

I think that's the first time I've left for a trip and didn't kiss her goodbye or hello upon return.
Although she wasn't with me, she did do a couple things unexpected that were very nice. My sister and I appreciated them. So I guess I'll give her credit for that.

How much of this was done by you intentionally and how much of it was a result of a gradual disconnect emotionally from her? Sounds like you are starting to detach heavily.

Buffer posted 10/9/2019 18:54 PM

Brother,

As she did stuff fir you and your sister that you appreciated, did you let her know? If not just a few kind words or thanks. It will go along way.

Good luck

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