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Lost My Best Friend

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Neanderthal posted 10/10/2019 09:08 AM

What was she expecting? Did you guys talk about it afterwards?
I have no idea. We did not talk about it. Not much to say really.

Fortunately you seem strong enough to make the decision that is in your opinion best for you, so just do that when the time comes.
Thanks, but I feel like a flip flopper. I'm hoping in time the decision making will become easier. I'm still trying to come to terms with letting go of someone I love. I know its in my best interest, but its so very hard.

How much of this was done by you intentionally and how much of it was a result of a gradual disconnect emotionally from her? Sounds like you are starting to detach heavily.
Before the trickle truths I was purposefully detaching. I was angry and saw her give up. So I thought it was what I was supposed to do. After the trickle truths, its happening without me thinking about it. Its really hard to tell. Especially with my mom passing all at the same time. I also upped my depression medication, with a doctors approval of course. But detached is probably the best way to describe it.

As she did stuff fir you and your sister that you appreciated, did you let her know? If not just a few kind words or thanks. It will go along way
When I first read this I thought: WW fan club member? I knew they didn't all disappear. lol
But that's not fair to you. Maybe you're just a nice guy. To answer your question, Yes she knows I appreciated it.

Last night we were laying in bed watching TV together. I started thinking about what she had done. I couldn't imagine doing what she was doing, and then coming home to me. Like it was nothing, no big deal. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I had to get up. I couldn't be next to her.

She made the mistake of asking if I wanted to talk about it. She could see I was visibly shaken. An unplanned divorce conversation ensued. She says she will go along with whatever I decide. I believe I'm being more than fair.

Before last night if I talked about divorce, it was fueled by anger. Last night was different, it felt more like acceptance. I don't believe I can accept what she's done, stay with her and heal. Then again as stated above, I'm a flip flopper.

If this feeling of indifference continues, I know what the outcome will be.

I do intend to do the polygraph still.

oldtruck posted 10/10/2019 12:04 PM

normal to flip flop
this is why important to not make life changing
decisions for 6 months

Odonna posted 10/10/2019 12:11 PM

Did she read the "how to help your spouse heal" book? Your story has been so full of detail but this one I have unfortunately forgotten.

If she has, maybe it is time to re-read it with the goal of really comprehending how rug-sweeping sabotages intimacy and connection.

It is at least good that she noticed your distress and offered to talk. This forum is filled right now with really cruel WSs; I am glad she is not in that camp at least.

emergent8 posted 10/10/2019 17:05 PM


Last night we were laying in bed watching TV together. I started thinking about what she had done. I couldn't imagine doing what she was doing, and then coming home to me. Like it was nothing, no big deal. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I had to get up. I couldn't be next to her.

Ugh... your pain is so raw right now. I'm so sorry.

Unsurprisingly, I can relate. A lot of my husband's A took place in AP's car on the way home from work. They would work late, and she'd offer him a ride home and they'd pull over along the way and perform oral sex on one another. Then she'd drop him off around the corner from our house and he'd come home and kiss me hello......... like nothing ever happened....like a complete f*cking psychopath. He even told me that he kept gum in his briefcase so I wouldn't taste her.

I remember thinking of this kind of stuff in the aftermath of D-Day and feeling like completely overwhelmed by how awful it was. It was so awful, I felt I might explode but it was like I didn't have the energy to do it. I couldn't imagine myself ever being able to heal, much less with him. How could anyone ever recover from that?

steadychevy posted 10/10/2019 17:47 PM

I started thinking about what she had done. I couldn't imagine doing what she was doing, and then coming home to me. Like it was nothing, no big deal. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I had to get up. I couldn't be next to her.

I've lived this, too, Neanderthal. She'd stop on her way home from work at his place. He left work before her. Kiss, hug, bedroom, screw, home. All very quick. Come home to me and what's for supper, what are we doing this weekend, etc., etc. Just a normal everyday life. Went on for 3 years.

There is no way I can understand how someone can do that. And say they love me. It's incomprehensible for me. I think we will never understand because it's just foreign.

The decisions are tough. Flip flopping is pretty normal. Extreme emotional changes in very short time periods are normal.

I haven't gone back and read the history in this thread, Neanderthal, so if this has been covered already I apologize. I hope you're in IC. 70% of those betrayed will have PTSD to some degree. I did. I think I might have been just over the threshold. I got an IC experienced in dealing with IC, EMDR and other treatments. I can tell you I benefited greatly from the treatment.

I wish you the best. Either route, R or D, is hard and takes yeoman effort. R is only possible with the WS completely remorseful and engaged in healing the marriage doing everything, I mean everything, with genuine concern, determination and vigour. But even if they do, R isn't guaranteed. It is up you and what you need for yourself. If you do R it is a tremendously huge gift that needs to be recognized as such.

Neanderthal posted 10/10/2019 19:20 PM

Did she read the "how to help your spouse heal" book?
yes, she has it. I believe she has read it.
Unsurprisingly, I can relate.
&
I've lived this, too

It looks like my post about waywards doing what they did and coming home to us dumb chumps really struck a cord. I suppose it's something all BS's have in common. How could they do all of it, and just pretend it's no big deal!

How could anyone ever recover from that?
Good question. I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I want to.

Buffer posted 10/11/2019 04:28 AM

Brother,

I am always in favour of R if both parties agree and are willing to put in 110% each.
Manipulating, gaslighting, Main Street holding of hands & kissing etc. That is hard enough, let alone the blending of families, school drop offs and the hardest one the purchase of birthday presents, I couldnít get over that.
Good luck with the polygraph.

My words regarding the acknowledgment of what she did for you, well that is me just trying to be polite.

I believe that this was her exit affair.

But that is just me.

Good luck

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:29 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Sharkman posted 10/11/2019 05:12 AM

Okie day you just wonít give a shit anymore. Youíll be wasting energy thinking about it and youíll just move onto other things. Sure, itíll be raw when you think about it, but those times will be few and far in between.

If itís with her, itíll be 3-5 years assuming that she remains a safe partner. If youíre not with her itíll be less than 3-5 years by a lot. Bad odds for sure, but she knew deep down what she was risking when she unilaterally decided to end the marriage by finding a new man.

Thatís not saying donít try for R, just realize that not only is it a lot of hard work, but youíll be two years in and still realize the pain. Iíve met a lot of friends here who didnít consider that component heavily enough.

Butforthegrace posted 10/11/2019 05:26 AM

she'd stop on her way home from work at his place. He left work before her. Kiss, hug, bedroom, screw, home. All very quick. Come home to me and what's for supper, what are we doing this weekend, etc., etc. Just a normal everyday life. Went on for 3 years.

There is no way I can understand how someone can do that. And say they love me. It's incomprehensible for me. I think we will never understand because it's just foreign.

If memory serves, your WW stopped at the POSOM's house and gave him a BJ, in risky circumstances where your or his kids, or his wife, might find them, then came home to you? Am I mis-remembering (sometimes the memory blurs details among threads). If so, this might be something you ask her to discuss, straight up, no deflecting, looking you square in the eye.

One way to frame it: "I suddenly have the ability to see the world through your eyes. Tell me what I see. You're in your classroom at school, getting ready to leave. What makes you decide to stop at his house? Do you exchange text messages? Does he invite you over? Do you just stop? What are you wearing? Do you clean up before leaving school? Take off your panties? What route do you drive? Do you talk to him on the phone while you're driving? Text him? Where are the kids while you're driving there? When you arrive, do you ring the bell? Does his wife answer? If you see his wife, what do you say to her? What does she look like? Where do the kids do, and what are they doing? What do the two of you do to get alone away from the kids and his wife? Do you tell her that you're doing work for the "chess club"? Where do you go? Who starts the sex? Do you open his pants, or does he?"

You get the picture. I don't know if you care. If you're certain that you will divorce her, probably not. But if R is a possibility, I've sen on other threads that this sort of detailed discussion, about each encounter, is helpful to alleviate mind movies.

Kiba posted 10/11/2019 07:31 AM

I believe that this was her exit affair.

But that is just me.

Buffer. Not just you. Her actions showed that she didn't care if she got caught and fully appear that she believed the OM would leave his wife for her. I am sure that would come out if the phone messages are able to be recovered. That is probably why she never actually tried to have them recovered.

Odonna posted 10/11/2019 08:08 AM

Well, have you read the HTHYSHFYA book? I highly recommend it for BSs as well as WSs, but for you for a different reason. As you read it you should evaluate whether YOU could R with your WW doing all the ďrightĒ things to re-build. Because this is not just an assessment about whether she can do the work. As critical as that is, you seem conflicted about whether YOU can continue over time. And if you cannot, then at least you can spare both of you all the pain of unsuccessful R. You will then have the pain of D of course, but in my opinion it is easier to get through that than failed R.

While you are going through this horrible, unwanted process, be very good to yourself. You deserve it.

Jsmart posted 10/11/2019 10:10 AM

When a woman throws all caution to the wind and is walking hand in hand in a small city knowing her BH's friends live blocks away, you know she is all in with OM. Stopping by OM's place to give him a quick BJ on the way home from work, showed complete submission to the guy but to be honest is par for the course for most WW, who pretty much become free on demand prostitutes for their OM. For me, the kill shot was her playing blended family. The buying birthday gifts for OM's kid(s) scream trying to win over the kids affections.

All of that was short circuited because Neanderthal acted like his name sake and beat POS down in front of his WW. I've said it several times but his bold actions instantly crystallized in her head that OM didn't measure up to her husband. Her later finding out that he was a serial cheater, would barely register a small blip on the radar of most WWs. Even after Neanderthal's' bold action, days later she instinctively didn't believe the OBS that OM had an STD. It's hard to kill the fantasy.

But is this the worse we've seen on this board? No, we've had marriages return from brink after MUCH worse. Everyone here can see that your love for her still runs deep. With your wife now appearing to have hit rock bottom, which is needed for her to become vulnerable enough for you to possibly work on a new marriage, there could be something new that could be built if both of you are willing to put in the work.

Bigger posted 10/11/2019 10:59 AM

I try to be impartial in my advice to as if the way out of infidelity is through divorce or through reconciliation. To me the KEY issue is to avoid the situation where you remain in infidelity Ė be it while still married or if you divorce. If you do either but still base a significant part of your emotional life on the actions of the wayward spouse, you are still in infidelity.

Despite what many post on this site we DO HAVE couples that successfully reconciled. Of course, we only have their stories and what they share, but the founders of this site were a reconciled couple (one has since passed away) and respected members like Wifehad5 and BrokenRoad are reconciled.

We also have people that have successfully left their former infidelity-impacted relationship AND have dealt with the impact of infidelity. I consider myself one of them.

We have both waywards and betrayed spouses in the above two groups that contribute and make SI the great resource it is.

We also have some posters that remain in their infidelity-impacted relationship without fully dealing with their issues. Usually these people will claim they will leave the minute their kids graduate. Frankly I have yet to see a single one of those posters share that they carried out their plan when that day cameÖ
We also have posters that have divorced but are still heavily involved in their former spouses lives, way beyond the expected and required co-parenting role.

Neanderthal
I want you to be a member of the first or second group and to avoid the third and fourth.

emergent8 posted 10/11/2019 14:13 PM

To be clear, as terrible as I felt in the aftermath of D-Day and as awful as the things were that my H did during his A, I generally consider myself to be in the first group that Bigger identified. I say this not because I'm encouraging you to reconcile (unless and until your wife is being 100% honest with you, I do not think she is a good candidate for R), but because sometimes when it felt so big and overwhelming and impossible, I needed to know that recovery was possible.


How could anyone ever recover from that?

Good question. I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I want to.

Notice I said recovery not reconciliation. Like Bigger, recovery to me means group 1 or 2. That's what I want for you (and everyone really). That's what you deserve.


Neanderthal posted 10/11/2019 16:34 PM

Well, have you read the HTHYSHFYA book?
Nope, not yet. I shutdown after the last trickle truth. I stopped doing anything for myself really.

I want you to be a member of the first or second group and to avoid the third and fourth.
Me too, Bigger. Me too

Most of you guys are good people. I really appreciate the encouragement.

She's scheduled for the polygraph on Sunday. So that should be fun. And yes, I did say to her I hope she fails. Not my best moment. I had a bought of anger today, and I had to leave work early.

66charger posted 10/11/2019 16:49 PM

And yes, I did say to her I hope she fails. Not my best moment.

I strongly suggest you correct this statement, even if you have to fake it. Tell her you want the complete truth or she may sabotage the test and use your words against you. She prepped you about the possibility of failure. The last thing you need is her failing "to benefit you" because that is what you want.

The test will be worthless if you do not correct this ASAP.

Neanderthal posted 10/11/2019 17:20 PM

The last thing you need is her failing "to benefit you" because that is what you want.
If she's dumb enough to fail a polygraph test that I paid for on purpose....she IS doing me a favor. I mean come on? I've been begging for the truth for months.

SorrowfulMoon posted 10/12/2019 16:43 PM

You are full of anger and saying some pretty stupid things. No-one would criticise you for that in the circumstances.

You have every right to do so but I am pleased you now seem to recognise that.

I think you need to stabalise your emotions before making that final decision on your future or you may live to regret it.

Neanderthal posted 10/12/2019 18:00 PM

You are full of anger and saying some pretty stupid things. No-one would criticise you for that in the circumstances.
Isn't this a critical statement? Just curious.

HopefulTelephone posted 10/12/2019 22:45 PM

I can see where you're coming from with the comment hoping she fails, Neanderthal. It's like yanking out a porcupine quill (or, an entire porcupines ass worth of quills tbh). It's going to be painful, but once it's out it's over and done with. Time to heal. Similarly, if she fails then it's over, despite the pain it may cause. There's a finality to it.

I think there's something of a finality to her passing it as well, though. You will, for the first time, have an actual tangible foundation of truth to work off of.

For this reason, I feel like that comment was an expression of emotion, not logic. In particular, I think it's an expression of exhaustion. One thing I've come to realize is just how exhausting trauma really is, and life decided to give you a double portion. I wonder, if she were to pass, if even just taking a couple days off work, having her stay somewhere else for the week, and taking some time for self-love might not do wonders for your mental health.

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