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Lost My Best Friend

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GreatWideOpen posted 10/12/2019 22:47 PM

I hope your poly includes a question about her relationship intentions with the POS OM. Many here have deemed this a likely exit affair that knocked her on her ass when she realized she was just being used by a serial scumbag.
I am of the belief that she was engaging in an exit affair and chose a lousy candidate among her multitudinous other lousy choices. If I were in your position I would need to know that she really wasn't wanting to leave me at some point to even consider anything short of a lifetime of contempt.
I hope you get a lot closer to a clear path forward for yourself tomorrow.

Buffer posted 10/13/2019 01:36 AM

Last night we were lying in bed... I started thinking about what she had done. I couldn't imagine doing what she was doing, and then coming home to me. Like it was nothing, no big deal...
She made the mistake of asking if I wanted to talk about it. She could see I was visibly shaken...
Before last night if I talked about divorce, it was fuelled by anger. Last night was different, it felt more like acceptance. I don't believe I can accept what she's done, stay with her and heal.
I do intend to do the polygraph still.

Brother, acceptance is one thing (no offence), yes it happened and nothing can change it. Accepted, it is shitty!
Agreeance, forgiveness, forget, those are completely differing mind sets or compartmentalisation levels. Only you can proportion that in you recovery from this betrayal.
Like accepted, that she did what she did and agree it was the absolute worst thing ever. The gas lighting and manipulation, TT, her belief that BJ and HJ are not sex acts etc.
Can you forgive? Well that is up to you. But you need to know what you need to know to make that call.
Can you forgive? Yes, of course you can, can you R without forgiveness Yes you can.
Can you forget? Never, even if the marriage 2.0 is by far the best thing ever, you can never forget the events and betrayal. (Well my perspective)
The polygraph may or will assist in some of the above by finding out what you need to know to process her reaction to the affair and her subsequent damage control to minimise the fall out.
You cannot have done any more to help the process it is up to her truthfulness now.
Good luck I hope you get to keep what you want, your home, children and life. With WW in the picture again that is up to her and you.

Again, I believe it was her exit affair but POSOM didn’t come to the party, no blended families and she is back peddling at a great rate to control the outcome so she is in it.

oldtruck posted 10/13/2019 05:41 AM

best to sit down with the examiner before the test
to tell him your goal is, what you need to know
from WW about the PA.

Neanderthal posted 10/13/2019 07:19 AM

She trickle truthed me again last night.

Bigger posted 10/13/2019 08:07 AM

Until she‘s strapped into the poly she is entitled to trickle truth you. It’s not the best way to do it, but the poly is the border-control that enables you to decide if R or D is your more likely path.
It’s better that she deals with this in a matter of fact way: Sits down with you and goes over the timeline in detail, asks you what details you need and makes certain she’s told you all the main issues. Of course, it might lead to her omitting something you consider major, but she considers minor. Like if she considers petting minor and doesn’t mention it whereas you consider that part of “sex”.

Heck… if she passes the poly the chances are that there will be details that will come to light 2-12 months from now. But those details will be minor compared to the main details. Like if she was wearing the green dress or the red dress.

Regarding the poly.
10 questions on separate issues is overkill. A poly needs to be based on yes and no factual questions. Non-emotional, no what ifs. The suggestion you ask about her intentions… won’t do. Nor will asking if she loves him or loved him. In fact – if the operator accepts such a question you better run out of there ASAP.

The operator should first spend time with you alone going over what you want to know. He should then clearly define your words and terms. Like sex; what do you consider sex? What about phone-sex? Or texting-sex? Or oral? Once that is clear he should outline 4-6 questions with at least one issue being asked twice with different wording.
Typical questions would be:
“Since (Date of Marriage) have you had sex (as we defined it before this test) with any other men than OM and N?” Since you know she has had sex with you and OM she should pass this one if she says no.
“Since D-day have you had sex with any other man than N?”
“Since XX.XX.XXXX have you had any form of contact (contact having been defined) with OM?”

He then meets with your wife and each term is outlined. She should be clear on that when he asks about sex he means petting, oral and whatever.

Then the test is done and afterwards the polygrapher evaluates the outcome.
DON’T jump to conclusions. The conclusions need to be evaluated.

HellFire posted 10/13/2019 09:23 AM

I'm sorry. That would explain why she's been preparing you for the possibility of her failing the test. What was the TT?

I hope she passed, N.

66charger posted 10/13/2019 11:06 AM

She trickle truthed me again last night.

Your wife is incapable of telling the truth even when the truth would benefit her. Even if you get another confession, she may still fail. This is who she is. The real question is, are you willing to polygraph your "wife" every year for the rest of your life.

IMO you should cancel the polygraph and just file. There is nothing to save here. Accept who your wife is and be done with all of this. You have done everything possible to save this marriage. It is time to save yourself and shut this all down...today.

Butforthegrace posted 10/13/2019 11:37 AM

What were the new revelations?

NoOptTo posted 10/13/2019 13:59 PM

I hope you are able to find a path out of infidelity for you to take today N. Either it be D or R. Your heart says one thing and your mind another. Hopefully today's lie detector test gives you some closure on something's. Just remember, she can pass her test and there can still be some more TT. You need to determine if you are strong enough to weather any more TT or not.

emergent8 posted 10/13/2019 16:30 PM

Thinking of you today, Neanderthal.

Neanderthal posted 10/13/2019 18:17 PM

It's such a beautiful day here. It's 72, sunny, with a slight breeze. I sat outside for a few minutes and just tried to soak up something nice. I even laid down in the grass on my back. Now back to reality.....

So technically she passed the polygraph. The problem was it required her to dump a couple truck loads of trickle truth on me.

It started last night. Then again in the car on the way to the test. Then again before the test started with me in the room. Then again after I left the room, she admitted more to the tester.

So yeah she passed the polygraph......she also:
She had sex with him multiple times.
Spent the night together on there trip. After sex, after cuddling, they slept together all night.
She bought and brought condoms, but he didn't want to use them. So of course they didn't use them.
Admitted to more meetups.
Admitted to sexual acts in her classroom.
Admitted to reading my forum pretty much the whole time.
They discussed a possible future together if they got caught.
Fantasized about really being with him, if I wasn't in the picture.
Even admitted to some sexual acts I never would have thought of. Seriously who does this stuff?
Basically every sexual act she had admitted to before was minimized badly. Like really badly.
He got anything and everything he ever asked for.

There's plenty more. But you get the idea. Pretty much everything we all thought(me included), happened or worse.
She is not capable of being a safe partner.

But she passed!!!

HellFire posted 10/13/2019 18:23 PM

Well. She passed. But She passed because she admitted to an enormous amount of lies,and things you didnt know about, before the test.

So..at least you have the truth. Finally. But it's probably kinda hard to be optimistic, considering everything she admitted.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. You've been traumatized all over again. She has reset your healing back to day one.

You should inform his wife of all of this new information.

Unfortunately, she is not remorseful. A remorseful ws would not have continued to lie, protect the OM, and put her feelings above yours. You said she is not safe, and you are absolutely correct.

Take it easy, N. Be kind yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:25 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

oldtruck posted 10/13/2019 18:28 PM

this is the value of the polygraph, it gets all
the truth out

maybe this will be the shock needed to defog your
ww.

faithfulman posted 10/13/2019 18:33 PM

Well that is sad but totally expected news.

Like Judge Judy says: "If it doesn't make sense it isn't true"

Her story has never made any sense whatsoever, it was totally ridiculous: "sex 1 time" in a 6-month affair + all the family stuff etc.

She would not stop trying to sell it to you and she tried to sell it to you through the forum. Absurd.

She betrayed you over and over, in the worst way and was never going to show you the respect of telling you the truth until you made her.

I'll bet it is shocking but not surprising at all.

***

It's your life and it is always easier to break up a relationship you are not a part of. But I don't see how this woman can ever be trusted. She is a liar.

From your words I think you are done with her, and I think that is the right decision.

Good luck to you Neanderthal.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:45 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

landclark posted 10/13/2019 18:41 PM

I don’t even know what to say other than you’re living my nightmare and have me convinced that a polygraph is necessary for this very reason. I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you. I don’t know you, but I’m certain you don’t deserve this.

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/13/2019 18:41 PM

Time to divorce. Your wife is a master manipulator.

Jsmart posted 10/13/2019 18:53 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:44 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Faedrys posted 10/13/2019 19:14 PM

Parking lot confessions are quite common it seems. I wish I was surprised, but unfortunately there were a lot of red flags. I'm sorry for your pain, N. I hope there's a sense of relief in this, perhaps? Finally getting the truth? But I'm sorry.

Please continue taking care of yourself, and I hope you'll keep seeking support here.

rugswept posted 10/13/2019 19:14 PM

So she passed the poly after admitting to everything all along the way it really happened.

We all knew she was a blatant liar, complete. Her lying and denials are legendary, even by SI standards. She has been such a liar and so deceptive in every way.

You've pretty much got it all now. And, it turned out to effectively be the composite of all the statements from those who challenged her stories and her claims about her behavior.

You have to be in total schock after all the final parking lot confessions. WTF couldn't she just tell it from the beginning instead of being a lying POG until the very last moment.

GreatWideOpen posted 10/13/2019 19:19 PM

Oh, FFS! Sorry this is your life N. Yesterday I said I hope you find a clear path forward today. You have, but in the worst way. Please lean on this SI community as you move into the next phase, via trusted members and private messaging. I wouldn't give this same advice to your WW. There is no hope for her.

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