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Lost My Best Friend

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HellFire posted 10/14/2019 08:59 AM

The turning point for me, when I believed her remorse was real, was how quickly she quit her job, and found a new one,at another school. My child is a teacher. I know how difficult it was to quit like that, and to have told them why. She didn't know how they would respond, and she may have lost her career.

Now,however, I see the truth. She was doing damage control. She was worried his wife would find out she fucked OM in her classroom, then she would be fully exposed, lose her license, and possibly make the evening news or, the rounds on social media. She quit her job, not because it was the right thing to do for you, and her marriage. She quit het job because she was scared of what would come of it if she was caught doing what she did.

What we have all seen, is not remorse. It is simply the actions of a wayward spouse covering her ass. She manipulated this entire Forum. Some of us more than others. Often, when a wayward spouse is caught like this, they will try to say they didn't tell the truth because they were scared. That they didn't mean to hurt their betrayed spouse any further. However, she cannot say that. She knew that if anything more were to come out it would devastate you. That was made clear to her, constantly over and over she could. She knew it would hurt you. But instead, she continued to choose herself.

I am so very sorry that I want supported your wife. I am so very sorry, and that I believed her remorse to be true. Obviously, I need to finely-tuned my b******* meter.

How are you doing today?

numb&dumb posted 10/14/2019 09:30 AM

No words of wisdom man. Just thinking about you today and hope you are able to find small moments of clarity in all of this mess.

Give it time to sink in. No need to make any major decisions right now. Let it get processed.

When you are ready we will be here for you.

ChamomileTea posted 10/14/2019 10:18 AM

I'm so sorry. TT is a terrible blow. I do agree with Bigger, however. Take your time absorbing this information and bear in mind that even though it might feel like your WW is the worst ever, she's just another garden-variety cheater who's been working off the cheater script. It's up to you what to make of that and no one else.

That said, I wouldn't do anything which threatens her ability to work and keep a job just now. The temptation to further expose might be strong, but the result could limit your options financially.

Strength and healing to you.

Kiba posted 10/14/2019 10:21 AM

I question what he needs to sink in?

His WW believed that she had a future with the AP. Didn't care if she got caught. Gave the AP everything he wanted. Then after the affair was exposed, lied to protect herself. On top of all that, she used this forum to poison any help He was getting.

She is not a safe person. She is not the woman he thought he married. She easily and callously cast him aside for a douche bag that wanted an easy lay. And she was sooo very easy for him.

Her choices destroyed this man. Now it is time for him to redeem his life. Unfortunately for him, she will always be in his life. Maybe in time he can forgive her. But I highly doubt she will put any work into it. She didn't value him enough as a husband for the past 10 months or more.

Kiba posted 10/14/2019 10:25 AM

That said, I wouldn't do anything which threatens her ability to work and keep a job just now. The temptation to further expose might be strong, but the result could limit your options financially.

I agree ChamomileTea. He shouldn't be looking to punish her, but to put this part of his life behind him. To move forward with redeeming his life.

bookworm19 posted 10/14/2019 10:38 AM

Neanderthal, your story touched me deeply. I'm sure you have a lot of digesting to do. And I'm sure, your wife is still trying to pull wool over everyones eyes. I'm sure she will say something like she didn't continue to lie to hurt you... even after you and probably every single one of the fellow waywards told her to stop lying, I assume. She obviously had "a lot of very good reasons to hurt you", or she wouldn't have done it. Please be safe

TimSC posted 10/14/2019 11:55 AM

I am sorry, but not really surprised.

One thing that is common is that cheaters lie and will continue to lie to avoid consequences.

I was not prepared for the amount of lies she has told you (and us). I was actually beginning to feels that there was hope for her as she seemed to be truly remorseful.

My hope for you is that she will give you a quick and easy divorce.

nekonamida posted 10/14/2019 12:10 PM

She may not be the worst ever but I really do think it takes a special kind of messed up for a WS to bring so many other people into their ruse and use a whole forum board to convince their BS to accept their lies. It especially doesn't bode well for WSes who use SI to keep up with the BS and stay one step ahead of them or use their posts against them in other ways. We see it here from time-to-time and every single one of those WSes is now D'd for revealing their true colors to their BS again at some point. It's crazy to think about how many people here were fooled and how much she defended herself and got so upset when her story was challenged. It's crazy how many BSes believed her over you and defended her in your thread. But your gut still prevailed.

In essence, I think a lot of things are in the cheater's handbook but I'm pretty sure deep manipulation tactics and how to utilize a BS's support group against them are reserved for the advanced guidebook. This goes beyond just lying and CYA mode. It's creating a whole new environment using other people as pawns to gaslight your BS.

oldtruck posted 10/14/2019 12:25 PM

Surprised so many people are ignoring Bigger's
point is that her telling the whole truth is her
being ready to start recovery.

Remember many WW's have failed the poly. this WW
passed her test.

I not surprised what she admitted to. Standard WW
behavior during an affair.

dblackstar2002 posted 10/14/2019 12:32 PM

I have been following this story, So let me get this straight. His wife found out she was having an affair with a guy, Who want worth as my uncle would say two cents in Chinese money. So she manipulated both her husband and the people on one of the post here to save her own skin and her marriage? Does this sum it up or am I missing something. Either way I am so sorry for you. You do not deserve to be treated this way! No one does!!!!!

Kiba posted 10/14/2019 12:34 PM


What is the point?

So she finally dumped a load of truth on him. He didn't even get a parking lot confession. She saved it all until she was alone with the examiner and gave them the dump. Only to have the examiner tell Neanderthal all she said.

She is not a safe partner. She clearly had, what she thought, was an exit affair. She gave the OM anything and everything he wanted from her. She had no care in the world if she destroyed Neanderthal. I am speculating that she probably tried to reach out to the OM while at her dad's. Especially since "they" discussed a life after getting caught. She believed it and had no issue with walking, clearly exposed, with her AP. It makes no sense that she suddenly saw the light when the AP was beat down, considering how infatuated she was with the AP and how brazen she was while with him (daylight stroll's down Main St).

Lowkeyy posted 10/14/2019 12:42 PM

I had to come back and comment because I’m still in disbelief.
40 pages. Not 1 or 5, she was lying on her forum for about 40 FREAKING pages.

I’m very sorry that you found out all the ugly details, but deep down you knew it was more worse than she said. You really need to start detaching and preparing for separation at the very minimum. When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Stop holding on to memories and flip flopping back and forth. Focus on yourself for once whether it ends up D or R you understand your not to blame for the outcome. Please listen with your brain and not your heart for once

landclark posted 10/14/2019 12:43 PM

Remember many WW's have failed the poly. this WW
passed her test.

She shouldn’t get credit for passing in this case. Come on now.

UnderCover posted 10/14/2019 13:14 PM

If you are still unable to make a final decision with this latest revelation you've received then ask your wife to write out a fully truthful time line leaving nothing out with no minimizing which may be subject to a final polygraph at a future date dependent on your decision

Reading all your posts you are completely in love with your wife and i believe what your mind tells you to do is at complete odds with your heart and to pull the plug will be the hardest thing you will ever face

No doubt your anger will fluctuate hourly mixed with overwhelming sadness

So get off this site for a few days and get space
Stay off any alcohol
Let her do that detailed timeline

My heart goes out to you

Jsmart posted 10/14/2019 13:26 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

survrus posted 10/14/2019 13:26 PM


You can now make you decisions based on the truth.

Many here have not gotten the truth and likely never will.

Make sure you update the OMW or SO with your new details.

Rustylife posted 10/14/2019 13:32 PM

I thought you beating down OM killed her love for OM but now we know it only crushed her dreams when OM didn't fight for her.

I keep seeing similar sentiment being repeated here by many. What is the basis for this? Maybe this site should change the conventional advice if this is true then. Beat up the Other Person to kill the affair and the love your cheating spouse has for them. Might be helpful to many.

Luna10 posted 10/14/2019 14:35 PM

I believe all these posts about how OUTRAGEOUS this WW behaved is not doing the OP any good. To the contrary: I think it adds a huge amount of pressure to “make a decision now, everyone on SI says she’s the worst wayward ever!” As you all know she’s not, not that this is an excuse for anything and the OP should feel any better. But give the man a break.

Neanderthal everyone is so shocked because she was a poster here, hence they feel manipulated. Let me tell you this: as upsetting as this is I find this also laughable, the posters expect a WW who’s TTing her BH to be honest to THEM. Come on now, cheaters lie, very few of them actually own to what they’ve done without pressure.

Now this isn’t an excuse, what your WW did to you is despicable. It drives a person mad. I just want the posters to tone it down a bit, their cheaters did similar acts (including the TT) and a lot are still married. I for sure still am married and on top of TT I also got dday 2 by my WH maintaining contact with his AP for another 4 months. Only YOU can decide what your course of action is and if your WW deserves yet another chance.

What you need to know is that not making a decision is still making a decision. You are now in shock again. You’re back to square one plus some, as you cannot believe your WW was one of “them”, the cheaters that look you in the eyes and lie through their teeth. Take your time to process. Try to eat. Drink water (no alcohol as tempting as it is to numb your feelings). Plenty of time to make decisions.

gmc94 posted 10/14/2019 14:59 PM

Neanderthal, I'm just so damned sorry this happened. I pray for your peace and healing.

I also echo what Bigger and Luna posted (and others with the same gist). The TT is devastating, but it doesn't seem to me your WW was really much worse than other TT posted on SI. Yes, she had a very long thread, but this brought to mind another WW who is maybe 1-2yrs from dday, posted on SI regularly, and only recently finished her TT. IOW, in my 20(?) months on SI, this is certainly not the first WS who has posted and later come out with a bunch of TT.

cheaters lie and manipulate to get what they want and cover their asses while they do it. And they are good at it.

I am sending virtual positive energy to you. Hang in (and stay away from the booze, it doesn't really help).

Neanderthal posted 10/14/2019 15:12 PM

You have to be in total schock after all the final parking lot confessions.
Yep. I learned more in the last 36 hours than I did throughout the last 3 months.

I hope you find a clear path forward today
There is no clear path for me. I understand that sounds like a fool talking. Maybe I am a fool. Only time will tell.

Bitter sweet, isn't it? But now you can make a decision based on what really happened and not that sanitized version you knew was a lie.
Very much so. Sunday was my true DDay. That is starting to sink in as we speak.

I hope you both get re-tested especially if you've had any HB with her.
Yes, I will get retested.

Congratulations on finally having the truth.
What did I win, Vanna! Is it a new car? Actually I might, since I found out OM was in my car as well.

IMHO there is NO WAY a marriage can reconcile if one or both spouses is carrying some major deception. Reconciliation HAS TO BE from a base of TRUTH.
Bigger, I agree completely. The problem is how the truth came to be. I take the blame for some of that. I should have polygraphed her as soon as she gave me the original timeline. I would have been months ahead of where I am now.

I’m going to make this suggestion for the both of you: Stay off SI for 24 hours. And stay away from the booze.
Sorry I failed that first part. I got no where else to be right now. Luckily I have IC tomorrow. I am still sober though!

did she admit to bringing him to your house?
OM has not been to my house. Otherwise it would already be up for sale, or worse.

For those who question the value of a poly....exhibit A
Yeah no shit. Its definitely something I should have done sooner. It wasn't that I was afraid to, or didn't believe in it. I honestly was willing to accept more heartache over time, hoping she would finally get it and come clean.
I spent months pushing her in different ways to be honest with me. I tried being a good listener. I interrogated her. I tried to be understanding and even admitted to my own mistakes. Showing it just takes a little bit of courage and let it all out. I gave her space, I asked her to write it out. Since she wasn't comfortable telling me directly. I even asked to her share while I was in another state. I endured months of pain and trickle truth. I wanted so badly for her to do the right thing. I finally just couldn't do it anymore. I'm sure my moms passing sped up the process. I was running out of me to give.

Now where am I? Almost 3 months post Dday, and I'm starting all over. 3 months is a long time to believe she's still in the fog. Had I done the polygraph 2 months ago, who knows? I may have been more likely to give her a pass, and honestly believe reconciliation was possible.

What are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself?
Yes, she put you in this Hell, but YOU are keeping yourself there.
Yep, I am doing this to myself. Why? I love her. I get it, that's silly. Everyone here loved there WS too. I know I'll be fine without her. So why do it? Because I can, because I can endure it, just in case she did get her shit together. Unfortunately she never did.

I forget if hes married. If he is, tell her everything.
AP is married and has two kids. I haven't spoken to the OBS since early August. Unfortunately is seems she has blocked me, since she isn't responding to anymore of my texts. My WW lied long enough for AP to protect himself from the truth. Lets be clear, I don't believe that was my wife's intention. But it is a result of her actions and that doesn't sit very well with me. OBS deserves to know the truth. I may not get to tell her.

I am so very sorry that I want supported your wife. I am so very sorry
Hellfire, you have nothing to apologize for. None of you do. You were just hoping something good would come from this. Remember guys, she didn't find this place looking for help. I pushed her here, hoping something would stick. Maybe if she found this place on her own, when she was ready, she could have gained something from it. Alas it was just somewhere else she had to defend herself from herself. She was all in on the lies in her head. Of course that poured out here. Its a shame, she could have learned a lot here from some of the reformed WS's. Now it may be too late. She may have burned too many bridges here.

I question what he needs to sink in?
Kiba, there is a lot to sink in. Regardless if I choose to divorce. All of this will need to be processed.

She may not be the worst ever but I really do think it takes a special kind of messed up
I agree, she is a special kind of messed up. We are both native Long Island, New Yorkers. So we are built bull headed and stubborn. Combine that with intelligence and her ability to teach. She could probably convince anyone of anything. Except me of course, I'm immune.

ask your wife to write out a fully truthful time line leaving nothing out with no minimizing
I did ask for this last night, but not for me. There will be no second polygraph. I want an accurate timeline to give to the OBS if I can someday.

Last night I could not stop thinking about you and had hard time falling asleep. I went back and read many of your post and found myself blinking away tears. Your love for her came pouring across the screen. I imagined how you must have felt learning not only how wanton she was but that she discussed and fantasized leaving you for him. The ladder to me being so devastating.
Thank you Jsmart, but don't lose any sleep over me. I'm just a dumb idiot.

I believe all these posts about how OUTRAGEOUS this WW behaved is not doing the OP any good.
I agree, thank you Luna10, GMC94, Bigger, and company.

A bunch of you got played right along with me. Accept you all should have known better! You've been where I am! I just ask, you remember what happened here, next time you become attached to a Wayward Spouse. If I was a weaker person, the things brought to my thread may have been my downfall. Remember words can and do matter. This is not me lashing out at you. I'm not angry, just sitting back and watching the show.

Wow, that was a lot of quotes.
My wife royally forked up. She probably destroyed any chance of recovering our marriage. I'm going to get up each day, try and stay sober, try and be patient with my talkative little one, try and work my way out of infidelity.

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