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Lost My Best Friend

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The1stWife posted 8/2/2019 04:59 AM

You have received wonderful advice.

You should:

Institute a hard 180 immediately- stop being her H. No favors, cut off her $ and credit cards, do things with your child without her being included.

At DDay2 after months of false reconciliation I spoke to my H only in front of kids. If kids were home he ate dinner with us. If not I ate alone. Without him. I spoke to my children at the dinner table. Not him. I wasn’t rude in front of my children but I did not engage with him.

Take back your power in your relationship by not letting the cheater control the situation. And the 180 is a way fir the cheater to stop 🛑 being subjected to the pain of infidelity.

If the cheater wants to cheat - you cannot stop it from happening. But it doesn’t mean you have to live with it or accept it. The 180 is there to help you remove yourself from it.

rugswept posted 8/2/2019 06:53 AM

with your WW destroying of all the texts, emails, pics, etc., you are getting set up for a total rewrite of what this affair actually was.

tell her, up front: you've been lying and you destroyed all kinds of evidence. i know you sent him things you should only have sent me. i want to know everything: what you did with him, where you did it, when you did it, how many times.

on top of all that you had a craigslist kind of AP cheater. he groomed your W for what he wanted. as a big time cheater, NO WAY he invested all that time and effort into her for a few kisses and a one time sex event. ZERO chance.

she's terrified and totally shamed. she's also lining you up for a total rewrite to super minimize. beware.

i'm big on R and R is your decision to begin with, not hers. i do think this M can still be saved but it will take extreme pain and forgiveness on your part. try and do this for your daughter if your WW is truly remorseful.

Just My Opinion.

[This message edited by rugswept at 6:54 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

GoldenR posted 8/2/2019 07:33 AM

You're doing well so far.

But heres the thing...she's still lieing.

Adults dont sneak around for 6 months to only have sex for a few seconds one time. Nope....they had sex A LOT.

Until she comes clean about everything, you can't even consider R.

I'm sure you're hearing from her things like "It was just one bmistake!" and I've never cheated before, can't you forgive me?!". Heres what waywards never understand until it's pointed out to them: It wasn't a mistake. It was many, MANY choices against their spouse. So, over those 6 months, how many times did she make choices against you?

Let's see....

every time she thought of him

every time she emailed him

every time she texted him

every time she called him

every time she contacted him thru social media

every time she looked at his social media

every time she talked to him

every time she got dressed with him in mind

every time she worked out to look better for him

every time she ate with him

every time she laughed with him

every time she touched him

every time she flirted with him

every time she looked at him

every time she kissed him

every time she had sex with him (and it was a lot more than one aborted attempt)

Add all those up.... you're probably close to 6 digits.

All of those choices against you, and she never once "woke up" on her own, regretting what she was doing to you? It took you confronting her and not relenting to make her confess and then magically, she then wants you again?

I would be very surprised if they're not still in contact.

NoOptTo posted 8/2/2019 07:40 AM

Hi Neanderthal

A couple of thoughts. I'm not sure if you live in an, urban, suburban, or rural area. But by me, there are always last minute teacher hirings due to teachers leaving for better schools, family moving, etc. If you truly want her to change jobs, offer this option to her and see what she does with it. If she truly wants R, she will make every effort to secure a new job in another district. Let her actions guide you to figure out if your willing to offer R or D. She should be doing EVERYTHING possible to make you feel safe in order to even begin to rebuild trust in her.

As for being afraid of what she would put in her timeline. Ask her to write two timelines. One PG, one XXX. Its important that all the information be written out. Not to leave out any details that can lead to TT. You may want to read the PG first like we meet, we talked about blah blah blah, we kissed, we had sex, etc. If your ok with that, you can move on with which ever path you choose. If the mind movies in your head need you to know the finer details, read the Xxx version. We meet, talked about this issue, how bad my marriage is, etc, we kissed passionately. We had this type.of sex, who orgasmed, how many times they had sex in each encounter, etc. Sometimes the actual details are not as bad as the mind movies, sometimes they are. Remember once you do choose to read the Xxx, you never unseen what your WW has actually did to your M.

Try having protein shakes to get more calories I to you. Others have found it to help. Keep trying to treat yourself well. You need to be strong for your daughter. Be her rock at this time. Make sure you keep telling you you love her. Mom and dad are having adult issues. Both of us love you and will always love you. You need to continually reaffirm to her that she is loved and this is not her fault that mom and dad are at odds.

Keep posting.

Robert22205https posted 8/2/2019 07:48 AM

Avoid viewing your wife as the victim of a predator. She's a well educated functioning adult/teacher, wife and mother.

WWs typically lie and minimize in an effort to protect themselves. Of course your wife wants to R, you have a job and you're the father of her child as well as a great partner.

The OM was just a fantasy but a looser as a life partner. Time and her actions will tell you if you want to take another chance on her.

You need the texts to confirm her story (in your ongoing assessment as to whether to trust her again):

- that he had to pursue her for months (don't be surprised if she lied about her role)
- the date the relationship (and texts) became flirty and/or sexual in nature

Inform her that the deleted texts will not work to her advantage - because the missing texts will be interpreted by you in the worst possible way - preventing you from even considering R.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:51 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

layla1234 posted 8/2/2019 07:58 AM

Curious to how it is going. As someone who always feared she never had the full truth, I feel like I'm living through you.

Neanderthal posted 8/2/2019 08:06 AM

with your WW destroying of all the texts, emails, pics, etc., you are getting set up for a total rewrite of what this affair actually was

I know, but what can I do. She's become great at lying. And smart enough to cover her tracks.


You need the texts to confirm her story (in your ongoing assessment as to whether to trust her again):

How do I get them? Everything I've read says recovering them is pretty much impossible. Plus she's reading this and probably already figured out a way to destroy any chance of recovering them.

I would be very surprised if they're not still in contact

They probably are. In fact i'm sure they will meet up again soon. My fatherinlaw will be out of town for a while. So she will have his place to herself.

Curious to how it is going. As someone who always feared she never had the full truth, I feel like I'm living through you

its not going well. im getting worse and worse. Also she is meeting with her principle and principles boss on Monday. So she will probably end up being fired. I know she deserves this, but it really fucks me over too.

numb&dumb posted 8/2/2019 08:19 AM

Well she seems to saying the right things, but her actions don't match those same words do they ?

She has done just about everything to destroy any ounce of trust you had for her and yet expects everything to go back to normal ?

Sadly this is pretty common. FWIW there are a lot of data recovery programs that may work. If she was cognizant enough to delete them then probably she was smart enough to delete them permanently.

Look she told him she loved him and likely meant it at the time. Anything she says now is a desperate attempt at minimizing the damage and avoiding consequences. She feels on some level that she is somehow entitled to this. She told herself many, many lies to alleviate her guilt and avoid seeing herself as the sum of her actions. Right now her recent actions show what her character is.

Can she change ? That is the million dollar question isn't it ? No one, not even her can answer that question.

For your own sanity and safety I think you need to assume you are being fed a line on just about every aspect of her A. She is trying to feign taking responsibility and she will keep that up for only a limited time before she gets frustrated. That is the tell. Someone who has remorse won't get frustrated at you because of your feelings after they destroyed your world.

Adults take responsibility in word and action. FWIW spoken or written words should be given the same validity. Both are just words with not actions to back them up.

Did you ask her for a poly ? What was her initial reaction ?

I've got more, but I will wait until I hear the answer to the above question.

layla1234 posted 8/2/2019 08:29 AM

its not going well. im getting worse and worse. Also she is meeting with her principle and principles boss on Monday. So she will probably end up being fired. I know she deserves this, but it really fucks me over too.

I am a teacher also. There have been two teachers who have cheated on their spouses with another teacher. They are all still employed at my school, so you never know...

[This message edited by layla1234 at 8:51 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Neanderthal posted 8/2/2019 09:04 AM

Did you ask her for a poly ? What was her initial reaction ?

yes I asked her. she said she figured id ask for that after reading on SI.com. I didn't see any emotion either way. Its almost like she isn't there anymore.

Alonelyagain posted 8/2/2019 09:07 AM

Hi Neanderthal! I think you’re doing well under these very trying circumstances. Reading your WW’s posts, it appears that you may have beat the crap out of OM. If so, I’m silently saying “good for him”, and wishing I could have done the same but OM1 was a local cop in my town and I didn’t want to go to jail. Given that your WW is on this forum, you should definitely avoid mentioning/acknowledging any physical altercation that you may or may not have had with your WW’s OM because you never know how your WW may use it against you!

Also, if you’re finding hard to sleep, try a rigorous workout session. A trial kickboxing class did wonders for me. After the class, I slept through the night for the first time in weeks after first suspecting and DD.

Robert22205https posted 8/2/2019 09:35 AM

Check in with your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anger/anxiety.

numb&dumb posted 8/2/2019 09:44 AM

she said she figured id ask for that after reading on SI.com.

She believes it is SI's "fault," we put the idea in your head. She doesn't see how badly she damaged the trust you had given her before her A. This isn't owning it. She is likely in shock. You are likely too. It is the brains way of shutting down when you've reached your maximum limit of what you can handle. 100% normal BTW.

Deleting everything doesn't really help you build any trust does it ? I mean if you read the messages and it was in line with what she told as the "complete" truth you wouldn't have to rely on other means to find out the full story. It is another consequence of her behavior. She might regret it, but hiding/destroying evidence isn't exactly the behavior of someone that wants to be truthful with you is it ? Trust is very easy to lose, but very hard to gain back.

Why in other parts of your M is it ok to be in the know, but this isn't ? You can't regain any foothold in the trust category until she proves she "can" be honest with you without relying on her word alone. She choose a behavior that destroyed your faith, trust and respect in her ability to make decisions. She has her work cut out for her.

Look man. Things are going to be very rough for awhile and you need to take care of yourself. Do you have a sponsor or someone else you can talk to about this ? Have you though about IC ?

She isn't going to be in position to really understand the consequences that her actions have brought on the entire family until she really owns it (without clinging to her justifications that she used to alleviate her guilt while actually doing it) and feels that damage. I've seen my W hit that point and it crushed her. I've never seen someone get that low before. It might be in a few weeks or in a few years. The decision you have to make is how long are willing to wait to get the W that you deserve?

The three As are atone, attune and amend. She isn't in place where atoning is even something she believes she has to do. So your are effectively in limbo. It is important that you detach from her as much as you can. Some people like the 180 (look up in the healing library yellow box about Dr. Phil's head))

This is a trauma like no other. I really think it will help you to reach out to resources IRL to help you cope with day to day. Your W isn't going to be a "safe" resources while she is still clinging to her wayward ways. She might not be cheating right now (She should be providing the means for you to validate this BTW), but her thought processes and inflated sense of the world revolving around her make a terrible resource for you right now. Any input she gives you will suit her purpose before it suits yours. Once she has remorse it will be different, but right now, she isn't even close to that.

Keep reading and posting. You need someone IRL, that isn't your W, to talk to. Keep everything on the table. Ask for what you need for your W. Be clear that it doesn't mean your M will survive. Plus make it very clear that you do intend to survive and thrive after this. If she is part of that picture or not is largely up to you. She made her choice already. Yours is yet to be decided. Explore what those different options will look for you. D, R, etc. Literally everything is on the table right now. It can be empowering to think that you can create a new life from the wreckage of this one. Anyone that you want. I know that doesn't sound all that great right now, but trust me one day it will be empowering. You have no idea of the power that you have in this moment whether than is within the M or outside of it.

Marz posted 8/2/2019 09:50 AM

You can run a deleted text recovery on her phone using Fonelab. If you need/want the full truth

Jsmart posted 8/2/2019 10:24 AM

Man,your anguish is palpable. I can feel it coming through you words. Having that history of starting as teenage sweethearts means you had something extra special, and your description tells me that you treasured her but sadly she took what was precious and treated it as though it was common.

Sadly I too feel there's way more to this affair than has been confessed. Think about it, within such a short period of time, this married mother was sending intimate pics of herself and telling another woman's husband that she loved him.
So her saying they only had sex 1 time really sounds like the typical lie we get here all the time.

She was so involved with POS that even your soft confrontations didn't cause her to slow down. I mean come on, she used her free time to play parent to his kids and even took your daughter to the house that she was having sex in. It's almost like they wanted to play happy blended family. With them declaring their loves to one another, it's very likely that talk of a future together.

That's why you need to do a recovery on her phone, get an accurate timeline, and have her take a poly. You want to know what it is you're actually forgiving.

One thing you have to be prepared for is seeing her all depressed. It won't be all about what she's done to you, a lot of it will the withdrawal of losing her twu wuv. I do actually think that in your case she will probably come around quicker due to your forceful confrontation and subsequent beat down of POS.

Neanderthal posted 8/2/2019 10:46 AM

Do you have a sponsor or someone else you can talk to about this ? Have you though about IC ?

I don't have many close friends, but I have been talking to them. No family within 1300 miles. I have IC next Monday. Im pretty much on my own, except for this forum.

You can run a deleted text recovery on her phone using Fonelab. If you need/want the full truth

ive been tying different things on my phone, but I haven't had any luck. so im doubtful it would work on hers.

Stevesn posted 8/2/2019 11:00 AM

Hi N

I hope my last post has given you even a shred of hope.

Listen, I still believe you may have a Remorseful WW. We don’t get to see or hear her words, but she’s probably in shock also over what she has done to her life, your life together.

There are other WS’s on Wayward Side that will call her on her shit.

Let’s not worry about what she has to do right now. She’ll either do what you ask or she won’t. No way for you to control that.

What you know is she made another man more important than you for several months. There are details about what they said to each other and what they did to each other. You’ll get some of those described to you. You may even get most of them.

She’ll have touched him in places and he touched her in places that will make your heart ache. And they will have said things to each other that hurt you greatly.

In the end, whether you stay with her or not, it will take time to work thru that pain. So start your focus there. Because even if she gets it (which I do think she does) and she starts working hard at R (which I think she will) it’s still all about your healing.

You don’t need to focus on anything else right now, except your daughter of course.

You both can get thru this together and stay together and find happiness, so I want you to know at the very least that is still a possibility. But not one that will be decided in the coming weeks or months. So let’s not worry about that right now.

Go to your first IC. Keep posting here. Reach out to friends for support as you have been.

And watch your health. Your daughter is counting on that.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:46 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

farsidejunky posted 8/2/2019 11:15 AM

Brother, your wife is not a candidate for reconciliation at this time.

Her response to the poly sounded a lot like she knew it would be a problem. You KNOW why she sees it this way...right?

A poly is only worthwhile if you are pursuing reconciliation...and there are some very specific steps to take to maximize the impact of it.

That said, you are not there yet because SHE is not there yet.

She is lying.

You know it.

She knows it.

She knows YOU know it.

She is desperately wishing you would back down.

The real question is if you can find the fortitude, in the midst of unbearable pain, to see it through and not allow her to sweep this under the rug. Your ability to do so is the ONLY way to potentially see a healthy reconciliation. Speaking as an alcoholic who has not had a drink for over five years...if you have the strength to beat your alcoholism...you CAN do this.

Steel yourself. This will get much harder before it gets any easier.

Sorry you are here, brother.

numb&dumb posted 8/2/2019 11:18 AM

I have IC next Monday.

IC was best thing I ever did for myself. I am happy you will get some support there.

There might be local groups you can look into too? I think if you google "BAN" you might be able to find something local. SI is great, but getting support IRL is helpful beyond what we can help with here.

Rustylife posted 8/2/2019 11:18 AM

Rather than you losing your head trying to be the perfect detective, your first task on hand should be to stabilize yourself. Don't look at her for answers. You've separated for a bit. Use it to get your head straight. No more drinking if possible. This intense adrenaline rush that comes with infidelity, we've all felt it. Trying to figure it all out, catching them in lies, calling them out etc etc, we've all been there. There's no perfect plan that can't wait. The damage has been done by your wife already. Once or hundred times, it does not matter right now.

Stop these conversations with her. Maybe she's telling the truth, who knows. It was a mistake sharing this site with her. Most marriages are greatly diminished even if the partners stay together after cheating. Make your peace with it. Try to be a good father and prioritize your personal health for the time being. Check out ((mrhockeyguy)) and his JFO thread. His approach has been exemplary even when the result is one he does not want at all. Your wife rn is atleast outwardly apologetic. Some people never even get that.

So yeah, pace yourself. Don't drink, don't do anything unhealthy, just try to get to a place where your mind is not racing like it is right now. Counseling and meditation will help you more than you can ever know.

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