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Lost My Best Friend

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ScarredSurviver posted 10/15/2019 11:48 AM

Don't sugar coat it for her. Tell her that it's bad and that you were able to get many more details, and that you'll be willing to share them if she want's to hear it. Let her make the decision when she's ready to hear it.

emergent8 posted 10/15/2019 11:49 AM

That's tough. I think that she's entitled to make her own decisions about what she's ready to hear, though. I'd probably respond with something like this.

I'm sorry you're struggling. This has been incredibly painful for me too. The news that I've recently learned was a big deal to me. Whether or not it is unforgivable is a decision that only you can make. I am operating from the position that I cannot begin to heal or regrow until I know what it is that I am healing from. That said, I will respect your choice as to whether you'd like to hear what I have to say or not. I am hear if and when you'd like to talk.

numb&dumb posted 10/15/2019 11:57 AM

Reply that you cannot know if this changes anything for her as it is impossible for you to know what her deal breakers/limits are. Further add to how it changed what you were feeling prior.

I think it is safe to say it reset your healing some, right ? You feel worse, etc.

Tell her it was relevant to you that it confirmed that the A events were a lot more frequent and the A was a much bigger part of your W life than she told you. You just wanted the truth because it felt like you were still being lied to.

End it with that it was not easy for you to hear, but you needed to full truth to make an informed decision about your future.

Just be tactful and kind. She might not want to know now, but she likely will want to in the future.

Facts don't need anything else. Facts stand on their own.

Butforthegrace posted 10/15/2019 12:02 PM

"Hello Mrs. Obs. Im.sorru to hear you are struggling. I'm struggling as well. I do not know what your husband has told you about the A. The information I have learned shows that the romantic and sexual scope of the A was very significantly more than my wife had previously told me. Please let me know if you would like me to share this information with you."

tushnurse posted 10/15/2019 12:25 PM

I am trying to build with OM, and it is very difficult every day. I wanted to ask one question in reference to your messages... Will this new information change anything? Does it change the hurt? Is it something that makes what they did so much worse that things would be impossible to rebuild from? I'm asking for yes or no, not detail at this point.

I'm asking because I just recently stopped being nauseated, sleeping through the night, etc. I want to know if it's worth starting over in this.

It absolutely matters because it shows who you are trying to R with. A person that given all the opportunity in the world to come forward with the truth, did NOT until is was down to the wire. If she chooses to rebuild w/ someone that is not held accountable for their actions that's up to her, but you felt she should know, as we say here, you cannot rebuild and move forward, until you know what you are rebuilding from, and what materials you have to do it with.
Do NOT allow her to make you feel guilty. Just say I thought you would want to know. It does make a difference to me, and be done.

MickeyBill2016 posted 10/15/2019 12:26 PM

I was going to say something but Hellfire pretty much said it all.

She has heard her WH truth, I bet it is different than your WW truth which proved to be different from the last minute pre poly and poly truth.

Luna10 posted 10/15/2019 12:36 PM

What do you want to reply with Neanderthal?

I would tell her the truth: yes it changes the hurt for you. However you believe you needed to know the truth about the affair to understand what you are building on and make informed decisions about your life. You also believe that R is impossible when it is built on lies and deceit.

And that you respect her choices and if she ever wishes to find out more details and check if her WH has been truthful to her she can contact you. You never know, maybe he did tell her the truth?

Rideitout posted 10/15/2019 13:19 PM

She has heard her WH truth, I bet it is different than your WW truth which proved to be different from the last minute pre poly and poly truth.

I suspect totally different. I got a written confession from him and from my WW with the "details". Well, let's say, they were not reading from the same sheet of music. The OBS in my case sent me the OM's confession but did not want my W's, she didn't want to know her side of the story.

The OM told the truth (as verified by my W) about the sexual details, what they did, how often, etc. He lied about all the emotional stuff, how they met, who pursued who. My wife lied about basically all the sexual details and told a much closer to the truth story about the emotional details. I was able to confirm both stories pretty well from TXT message recovery and by interrogation using the OM's version as the lever to get at the truth.

God, it still makes me sick to think about having to do that. Of all the things I'm still pissed about, this is very high on the list. Chucking the best years of my sexual life down the drain, dealing with an "asexual" wife who'd do it "if I wanted to" and "never with the lights on".. I'll never get that back. And man alive does that make me mad, such a sacrifice for her, and no reason for that sacrifice at all.

Anyway, I think in general, WW's lie a LOT about the sexual details and WH's lie a LOT about the emotional details. No, not all, but I think most waywards are smart enough to know what's "really gonna hurt" their BS and those are the areas where they lie.

Neanderthal posted 10/15/2019 13:29 PM

She wants to know what I know. I just wish I had an accurate timeline to give her. All the fucked up stuff I just learned is just rolling around in my brain. Piecing all that together for her is going to be agonizing. For both of us. But I know its the right thing to do.

I don't believe the OM admitted to anything more than the original B/S timeline my wife gave me months ago. I'll find out soon enough.

I cant believe I have to do this to her. I had to hear it from the polygraph examiner. She has to hear it from me.

I really hate infidelity. So many lives destroyed over what? A quick poke in a parking lot and some nice compliments?!

HellFire posted 10/15/2019 13:45 PM

Don't concern yourself with giving her the correct sequence of events. Just tell her every single thing you know. Don't omit things because you think she already knows them. Tell her everything.

Another alternative, is to tell her about SI, and give her your username. Think very hard before you do that, though. There are many pros and cons to doing that.

emergent8 posted 10/15/2019 13:54 PM

I cant believe I have to do this to her.

Just remember that you are not doing anything to her. It was her husband and your wife who did the damage.

I did this conversation with OBS by phone which was useful because I learned some new details myself. At a certain point, OBS told me that there wasn't anything else he wanted to know unless it was that they had sex more than the # of times they had admitted to. If you are set on preparing her a timeline, have your wife do it. She should be doing the heavy lifting right now.

faithfulman posted 10/15/2019 14:57 PM

To make this situation with the OBS even more tricky is your wife is probably reading all of this and will probably still try to control the narrative.

nekonamida posted 10/15/2019 14:59 PM

Just remember that you are not doing anything to her. It was her husband and your wife who did the damage.

Agreed. Doctors hate giving a cancer diagnosis but they have to do it because the consequences of not giving it are worse.

Start with the list you made here. That's a pretty detailed start.

survrus posted 10/15/2019 15:08 PM

Yes send her everything.

It will be one more safeguard against your WW and OM turning it back on again.

Remind her that the OM likely has other affairs.

Also suggest that she take OM for a polygraph, send her the name and number, also a divorce attorney and STD testing.

[This message edited by survrus at 3:10 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

NoOptTo posted 10/15/2019 15:24 PM

N,

You may say to OBS that each and everyone has a different level of tolerance to abusive behavior. If you deem it life changing for you, it is. It may not for her. So you may want to preface it with for me its...... You may see it differently.

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 4:04 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/15/2019 15:44 PM

She wants to know what I know. I just wish I had an accurate timeline to give her. All the fucked up stuff I just learned is just rolling around in my brain. Piecing all that together for her is going to be agonizing. For both of us. But I know its the right thing to do.

The two of you may be able to work jointly to start piecing together a timeline. You might offer that to the BOW.

By the way, I would echo another comment above in that you should assume your WW is reading everything posted here.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:44 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 10/15/2019 15:50 PM

You must tell her the whole truth.

Try and put it as diplomatically as you are able but she deserved to know.

I don't think your wife is manipulative. She is just broken, very afraid, extremely stupid, in denial and delusional. She is more Falstaff than Iago. Very sad.

She has not only hurt you but also the OBS beyond measure. If she is reading this I hope she reflects upon that.

You have my utmost sympathy.

p.s. But she does have one thing going for her that many waywards don't. She is sensible enough not to want to lose you. Maybe too little, too late but something to think about.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 4:12 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

ramius posted 10/15/2019 16:03 PM

I cant believe I have to do this to her.

Her piece of shit husband did this to her. He pulled the trigger on the affair. You’re just showing her where the bullets ended up.

HellFire posted 10/15/2019 16:16 PM

You are NOT doing anything to her.

Your wife lied right up until you walked out of the room, then told more truth to the polygraph admin. Then he told you the truth.

So,did the admin do that to you? Nope. Your wife did. And you are not doing this to the OBS. Her husband did it all. You are giving her the truth, just as the admin gave you the truth.

survrus posted 10/15/2019 17:00 PM


All options are bad when an affair happens.

The truth is the best and easiest option.

It's odd that after an affair the assumption is that the wounded parties have to keep everything secret to protect the perpetrators.

Why the hell did your W sh*t where she eats?

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