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Lost My Best Friend

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Rideitout posted 10/15/2019 18:17 PM

So many lives destroyed over what? A quick poke in a parking lot and some nice compliments?!

That's it. The pleasure gained from an A is NOTHING like the pain caused by it, that's why it offends us to such a deep level.

You better REALLY love having sex or REALLY believe and/or value those "nice compliments". Because you're going to pay a wildly high price for them.

I value sex extraordinary highly. I'm sure I'd have a great time with the sex in an A. It simply "couldn't be good enough" to outweigh the damage that I'd do to my W. And that's honestly saying something, the "highlights" of my life are mostly sexual moments, the best feelings I've ever had have come in those times. I have no doubt I'd get a few "highlight reel" moments from an A. There simply aren't enough of them in any A I've ever heard of to make it worth the damage I'd do to other people.

And people who cheat for saccharine words/compliments that are almost certainly lies? Don't get me started, that's a special kind of ridiculous to me. You realize he/she is lying right? And if not, you SHOULD realize that, it's part of being an adult. Just like the guy on the NYC street corner peddling a Rolex for 100 bucks, it's blatantly obvious to anyone with any street smarts at all that those are fake. You shouldn't be upset that you bought a Fugazi from the guy, that's what your EXPECTATION should be going in. And yet, we see it here over and over again, the "I thought it was really a Rolex". <SMH>. I've got a bridge to sell, anyone buying?

Sharkman posted 10/15/2019 18:24 PM

Do not share anything regarding the OBS here until you do it. There is a nonzero chance that your wifeís boyfriend is reading here.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 6:25 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Trying2copeinMD posted 10/15/2019 18:43 PM

Wow. I am so sorry, Neanderthal.

I sincerely apologize that I was hoping that you two would R. Obviously, that's impossible if you don't know what you're trying to reconcile from.

I posted once before, and unfortunately my comment was taken out of context. I tried correcting what you thought the intent of my message was, and said that I would refrain from posting here, but I failed.

My heart truly goes out to you right now. It's hard to imagine the level of pain but these new revelations brought into your life, and it was so selfish for her to do any of it, but then not to come clean about it. I hope that you can find peace in this storm. I also hope that you're counsing sessions can guide you to whatever decision is best for you and your family.

I'm not sure if you have religion in your life, but I will be praying for you. all of us on this form have been affected by infidelity, I just wish that we could have all received the truth when it was asked.

I hope that your daughter can put a smile on your face. You definitely deserve it right now. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Neanderthal posted 10/15/2019 21:12 PM

Another alternative, is to tell her about SI, and give her your username. Think very hard before you do that, though. There are many pros and cons to doing that.
I'm not going to do that. I know its kind of selfish, but I've already created enough damage to this community by bringing my wife here.

To make this situation with the OBS even more tricky is your wife is probably reading all of this and will probably still try to control the narrative.
&
By the way, I would echo another comment above in that you should assume your WW is reading everything posted here
Let her read here. I am an open book. For the first time in my life, all my feelings and emotions are out in the open. My WW has a choice. Continue to use this place as a tool to hurt me, or start doing the right thing. I'm throwing her a lifeline. She can be rescued or hang yourself with it. Her choice.

Yes send her everything.
It will be one more safeguard against your WW and OM turning it back on again.

Remind her that the OM likely has other affairs.

Also suggest that she take OM for a polygraph, send her the name and number, also a divorce attorney and STD testing.

So we spoke on the phone for over an hour. She wanted to know everything I knew, but not the gory details. I made sure what I knew was shared. She was grateful, and very sad. When the timeline is done, I will send it to her as well. I also mentioned the polygraph, and she is interested in it. So i'll pass that info along. We hadn't talked in 2 months, but we both had been riding the same fucking roller coaster. She blamed herself, as I did. She was addicted to hopium, as I did. And now she's back to square one, just like I am.

He hadn't really admitted to anything else. I still do wonder if they discussed at some point, what they would admit too. Especially since they matched up well early on.

I reminded her that she's dealing with a serial cheater. She still had hope for me and my WW though. Seriously what an amazing woman. She believes her oldest daughter knows about the affair. She's 14, poor kid. She asked her mom if she still loves daddy. Again so much damage for nothing.

I posted once before, and unfortunately my comment was taken out of context. I tried correcting what you thought the intent of my message was, and said that I would refrain from posting here, but I failed.
You're good man. Water under the bridge. thanks for the prayers as well.

Mene posted 10/15/2019 21:23 PM

Such a fucking unnecessary thing to have to go through. TT is the worst thing you can do to your spouse. Selfish. Cruel.

Atrowspark posted 10/15/2019 23:19 PM

My WW has a choice. Continue to use this place as a tool to hurt me, or start doing the right thing. I'm throwing her a lifeline. She can be rescued or hang yourself with it. Her choice.

I've lost track of the number of chances you've already given your wife before this latest one, but I'm gonna guess that even if she does "hang herself" as you say, you will still give her yet another chance after she blows this one.

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/15/2019 23:49 PM

She knows you will never leave her now. She holds the power in the marriage.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/16/2019 06:04 AM

I still do wonder if they discussed at some point, what they would admit too


My fch and the MOW did that after I found out about the EA part, bit before I knew about the PA.

Butforthegrace posted 10/16/2019 06:16 AM

I still do wonder if they discussed at some point, what they would admit too. Especially since they matched up well early on.

I don't think there is any real doubt that they did this. Assuming this is the case, this translates to the conclusion that she remained faithful to her boyfriend, and her agreement with him, over your need for honesty, up until her hand was forced by the poly.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:29 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 10/16/2019 08:02 AM

It would be one hell of a coincidence if they came up with the exact same story independently. And as I've learned in infidelity - there are no coincidences.

UnderCover posted 10/16/2019 09:28 AM

After your wife's done the latest timeline arrange for a video call so your wife can tell her face to face
ONLY if the BS wants this

It will allow APs wife to question her, who wouldn't want to ask questions to the OW

It will at least allow her if she wants to vent on your wife giving her a little satisfaction

It will bring it hone to your destructive spouse what other damage she's caused to other people

It MAY boot your WSs mental state into a more remorseful mindset than it seems at the minute

Only if the AP BS wants this

Neanderthal posted 10/16/2019 10:22 AM

I've lost track of the number of chances you've already given your wife before this latest one, but I'm gonna guess that even if she does "hang herself" as you say, you will still give her yet another chance after she blows this one.
&
She knows you will never leave her now. She holds the power in the marriage.
I guess I could have worded that better. SI.com can be a lifeline for her. I'm not offering it to her, itís here for anyone. But I get your points, although I don't agree with them. Maybe I will give her another chance, I don't know.

I'm no saint, I did feel like I owed her. Probably offered her more chances than most because of it. But I don't feel that way anymore.
Everything from here on out is because I want to, not because I owe her. This is in bold print because it's an important rationalization for me.

I also believe a power shift has happened. Before the polygraph, she was very much in control. Now I believe enough of the facts are out there, and I can finally start figuring out a path. I've played detective/interrogator for the past three months. I'm exhausted from all of that. I need time to grieve my mom and my marriage. I need to decompress a little.

***********************************************
This place has been my journal. My thoughts and emotions shared with the world. I needed it, and I still do. Most of you that's followed my thread, are almost living it with me. I guess all the details I offer have painted a pretty vivid picture of my life. I've been honest almost to a fault on here, especially regarding my own transgressions. It reminds me of the movie The Truman Show. The people at home are watching as if they have something invested in the character.

Most who join SI and start posting, have been lurking for some time, or found this place months after their world was turned upside down.

Most who come here have gone through everything I have or worse. But most don't have it documented to for the world to see on almost a daily basis. And almost none of you had your wayward spouse posting at the same time! You all literally go to watch my wayward still in the wayward mindset set her world on fire.

Remember I'm not even at 3 months post DDay! A lot has happened in that time, almost as if my life was on an accelerated timeline. But itís time for it to slow down. I really need to catch my breath.
My next post will be a recap and the start on a new season.

Neanderthal posted 10/16/2019 10:26 AM

Previously on ďI lost My Best FriendĒÖÖÖ

Hi there. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I found out almost 3 months ago that my wife of 15 years, was having a six-month affair. She fell in love with him and had begun distancing herself from me. She gaslit me for months during the affair. I finally got my head out of the sand and called her ass out. On Dday I had to pull everything out of her. She admitted to the affair but never would be forthcoming with me. That has continued to this day.

On Dday I met the AP and made him come clean to his wife. He also must have fallen or something because he left bleeding and bruised.

I found out he was a serial cheat and had an STD. We have both been tested and are clean but follow up tests will be required to verify.

My WW has gone NC with the OM.
She has given me access to all her accounts.
She checks in with me, more then I really want.
She has changed jobs to be away from affair person.
She traded the car in that she had sex with AP in.
We are both going to IC.
She has given me multiple timelines, but none have been accurate. Although the latest one is probably close.

She says she wants to stay married to me and that she is fully committed to repairing the damage she has caused. She doesnít appear to be pining for the AP. I donít believe she loves him.

I recently had her do a polygraph test. She passed, but only after a very lengthy parking lot confession. They did anything and everything a couple would do during a six-month time period. So, my last dday was effectively 3 days ago.

My mom also passed away a couple weeks ago. Obviously, this has been a very trying time for me.

We have a beautiful 5-year-old daughter, a wonderful home with acreage, two dogs, and 3 chickens.
Itís safe to say I am in total shock. I do know that I donít trust her, and at the same time I am completely drawn to her. We have been Hysterically Bonding a little bit. Not humping like rabbits, but when it happens it feels very connected and passionate. At least thatís how I am experiencing it.

We talked last night about her moving out. It was a brief discussion and she wasnít very happy about it. A more in-depth talk would be needed to iron out all the details, set some boundaries, and expectations. The impact on my daughter is my greatest concern. Spending 3-4 nights with each parent each week. The schedule is doable with our jobs. Iíd probably hire my FIL to fill in the gaps. Trying to explain to her that it could be a temporary or permanent change, how do I do that?

That is where I am today. Leaning towards separation.

Thanks in advance for all the help and advice.

EllieKMAS posted 10/16/2019 10:37 AM

Hey Neanderthal -

At this point, I think you should listen to your gut (like you have done all along) and make the choice that is best for you and your mental and emotional health. Separation sounds like a very reasonable option IMHO. It will give you some desperately needed space and time to decompress. It will give you some clarity on what you want your path forward to be. Whether you decide to try for R, or whether you decide ultimately to D, it will allow you to approach either of those paths with some peace and clarity that you do not currently have.

For her, hopefully it gives her some space and time to work on herself and to do some serious digging on why she did all this. And if she is actually serious about fixing things, it shouldn't matter whether or not you are there for her to fix what is wrong inside herself. In short, separation gives her a chance to put her money where her mouth is and show you in a more concrete way whether her commitment to that is real or if it all just hot air. Either way that goes, at least it gives you a clearer picture of what IS.

Sending you all the good juju today. You have had a hell of a ride with all this.

Odonna posted 10/16/2019 10:38 AM

You have very good insights into yourself. Plus you are compassionate, articulate, and darkly humorous. All good traits to carry you ahead on this most difficult road.

Has your WW signed a waiver for her IC to be able to talk to you? That might be a good idea as you would have input IRL from a trained professional as to what insights she is gaining. She has to do that or there can be no true reconciliation. Just a thought.

I will keep watching if you donít mind, not for any entertainment but because you have bared yourself so fully that I find I care a great deal about where your road takes you. Others do, too.

HellFire posted 10/16/2019 10:49 AM

You have been a class act, through this entire trauma. Yes,you've been angry, and said things you might regret. But that's normal,considering the ongoing abuse. You have conducted yourself very well. I've no doubt you will continue to do so. You will do what's right for you, and whatever you choose, will also be right for your child. You are a good man, and a good daddy. You are the prize in your situation.

Continue to listen to your gut. It hasn't steered you wrong yet.

As to how to explain this to your daughter? Age appropriate truth. Mommy and daddy need some time apart. And,yes, mommy hurt daddy. As much as that sucks,it's the truth. She needs to hear that much. Otherwise she may blame herself, as kids often do. And that will traumatize her. And, also, you don't deserve the blame she may shift towards you, as she tries to make sense of what is happening. She's too young for details,of course. But not too young for the basic truth. Don't allow what your wife has done, to turn you into a parent who lies to their kid. She needs to know she has one parent who loves her enough to tell her the truth, even if it hurts.

Bigheart2018 posted 10/16/2019 11:00 AM

Dear Neanderthal,

I have so much respect for you. You are truly a man with much integrity. I believe you understand the meaning of LOVE. I tip my hat to you.

Blessings to you and your family.
Bigheart

emergent8 posted 10/16/2019 11:14 AM

So we spoke on the phone for over an hour.

This was a kind and noble thing to do. We BS's deserve the truth about our own lives.

Everything from here on out is because I want to, not because I owe her.

Good for you. I think this is a really healthy way to proceed moving forward.

Most who come here have gone through everything I have or worse.

Yep.

But most don't have it documented to for the world to see on almost a daily basis. And almost none of you had your wayward spouse posting at the same time!

Double yep.

You all literally go to watch my wayward still in the wayward mindset set her world on fire.

It was a wild and hard to watch season finale.

Previously on ďI lost My Best FriendĒÖÖÖ

Good for you Neanderthal and good luck while you navigate this next chapter. None of this is easy and I don't envy you in the slightest, but I have faith in your ability to handle it. Like Odonna,

I will keep watching if you donít mind, not for any entertainment but because you have bared yourself so fully that I find I care a great deal about where your road takes you.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:15 AM, October 16th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 10/16/2019 11:39 AM

Hi there. Iíve been away from SI for a while. About 2 1/2 months. Iíve stayed in touch only a bit by PMing with a couple of members and reading thru threads of BSís that I felt were truly engaged in their recovery (of whatever form that took for them) after infidelity.

N, you and your thread definitely fit that profile and Iíve been hopeful youíd be able to find a path that suits you and gives you some much needed peace in your journey toward recovery.

What you have learned since DDay is very painful. I donít diminish that pain one bit. Iím sorry you have had to endure it so.

With that said, Iím back to say something that I know will be unpopular. Itís a perspective that somewhat caused my break from SI to begin with. But after staying in touch with your thread during my ďsabbaticalĒ I think itís important that I give a voice to the thoughts I have when I read your and othersí posts of the last few days.

N, I see remorse in your wife. I honest to god do. Itís not fully formed yet, but I think she feels it to a great extent. She has pain in her heart for how this has hurt you. She doesnít always know how to handle it, but itís there.

I do see why others donít. She withheld information which continued to hurt you. And of course thatís absolutely the wrong thing to do. But my feeling is the overriding reason that she did so was because she really really couldnít bear to hurt you any more.

Sure, I can see why you and others would deem that as making her a non remorseful WS. She made the decision for you. She did that in a unilateral way. That was wrong and also makes her continue to be considered to be Wayward. I do think think that was a wayward action to a great extent.

But I donít think that excludes her from being remorseful.

Here is the thing. She didnít do this to hold on to the affair. In my opinion she wasnít withholding the details to protect them as special. I really believe she hates every single memory of the A and they continue to wreck her daily. Nor do I think she cares anymore for her AP. I donít think she was trying to protect him one bit.

No, instead she did it because she saw the condition the information she had already relayed to you put you in. She could see how it had destroyed you already and couldnít bear the thought of piling on to that. I think she really feared what it would do to you. I think in her way she cared what that would do to you.

Everyone told her to tell u everything. And she was wrong not to. It was cowardly not to. But I truly believe she couldnít bear to. You can call it cowardice and you wouldnít be wrong.

But honestly, even though I am not a WS, itís what i absolutely could see me doing if I were one, especially without the 3 yrs of experience I have on SI.

I would feel the urge to deflect and minimize. I couldnít and wouldnít be able to stand the thought of what telling the details would do to the person I loved. It would make me nauseous each piece of awful detail I would have to relay. And Iíd try desperately not to do it even if others told me to.

I would know logically that I should, from listening to the good advice from posters on Wayward Side, and i hope I would power thru it and give the things to my BS that I thought they needed, but I am sure it would be a real struggle to do so, especially if I saw how destroyed they were each time I relayed those new awful details. In the end Iíd know Iíd have to and so did she. And she did. She could have just rejected the Poly and told you she couldnít do it. But she didnít. She wanted a chance to repair.

N, we have seen here WSís who wouldnít do it because they Just did not care enough. Or they wanted to protect their APs. Many have told their BS to ďjust get over itĒ.

I donít think your WW has said that once to you. I think she has honestly tried to learn what she should be doing. I donít think sheís done it all, but she has wanted to learn. To me thatís the start of rebuilding.

And I think when she started telling you more the last few weeks, it was not only because of Poly panic, but because some of what she was being told by experienced BSís and WSís truly started to seep thru the thick veneer she put up to protect her psyche from the pain she caused you.

In fact, (get your arrows and stones ready folks) I personally believe you have someone who is remorseful, empathetic for the pain you are in, and truthful in the love she has for you.

I fear Iím gonna get killed for saying that. I hope not.

N, She is awful at expressing it. And too often she gets scared about whatís going to happen to her and what her life is gonna be like. But I think her heart aches for you. I really do.

Now does that mean you have to try and rebuild your marriage? Nope.

What she did was a full blown affair and if thatís a deal breaker for you and believe you wonít and canít live with a person who did that to you, then absolutely separate and file when ready. You have every right and if thatís what you need to get out from under the great pain she has put in you then thatís the path you need to follow.

But my opinion is that if you want a chance at a life with her, and do love her, and feel itís worth the time and effort (great effort) to get there, then you definitely have a willing partner.

N, sometimes love isnít enough. Iíve msgíd with BS posters like WWTL plenty enough about their stories and to know that to be completely true.

But I also know that some of our greatest WS rebuilders TTíd and deflected and minimized for weeks or months before coming clean and showing full remorse. Not one of them was perfect in their response.

And not one of them handled recovery perfectly. Even when they desired reconciliation they made more mistakes in that process than successful actions. They said stupid things and they took twenty steps back before finally taking two steps forward.

But they had the will and determination to work to become better people than they were before the A and prove to their BSís that if they stuck with them it would be worth the journey (which would last their lifetime).

Iím also going to disagree this was an exit affair. To me if it was, that meant she was looking to end your marriage and had an affair to make you D her.

I donít think she wanted that one bit. I donít think she wanted to leave you.

I think she was missing something in herself and had no idea what, but because of the lousy communication abilities she grew up with, and actually exhibited the whole time since you married, including when she should have told you she was hurt in the past and worked together on those issues, she had absolutely no skills in how to talk to you about that. She Had no idea how to even have that discussion.

So instead she found what she felt she was lacking ... in the form of someone else. And she used him for that.

But I donít think she wanted to leave you for him. I believe during the A she wanted both. She wanted her cake. She found a way to fill the missing gaps in her life that she had in her mind and still be able to stay with you. She didnít want a life away from you at all. She wanted to live as the center of the world for both men. Why not, during that time things felt good.

So no, i donít believe this was an exit affair. But it was a shitty affair yes. And one that is perfectly valid for you to decide you canít live with and be in a relationship the person who perpetrated it.

Of course you are the decider here. I believe you to be a thoughtful man. I believe if you think there is a chance youíll communicate with her what you need to see and hear to even attempt to rebuild and then get started.

But I honestly think you need time to decide what it is you want. Sure if you need time apart for a while, separating is valid. Perhaps you both need time to work on yourselves and figure out who you are going to both be going forward.

But I know your DD is part of that equation, and if you want some time to see if your feelings for your W can overcome the pain that has been inflicted, then perhaps not upending your Dís world by having mom and dad live separately is a better path, instead by staying together and doing real work while you have the opportunity see if you can make some progress on healing.

Itís up to you completely. Now that you know what I believe is the whole story I think it appropriate for you to take some time and sit back and evaluate what you really want from life going forward. That does not need to be rushed.

There will be lots of requirements for her in rebuilding. I believe she has it in her to do so, even though many here will probably disagree. Thatís ok. But I think she badly wants the chance to prove that to you.

In the end I just wanted my ideas to be represented here. I think they are in the minority, but thatís ok. I have seen a few provide similar thoughts and possibilities. So I donít feel totally in left field.

I just wanted you to know that some of the things that were being said about your WW I personally did not agree with. I understood these ideas, but I think there is more depth to what she is exhibiting than a completely inward focused person.

Anyway, if anything Iíve said resonated, and you want to discuss, Iím glad to. But if not, thatís completely understandable ... please move on to the next poster and Iíll take a step back again.

Good luck on this continued awful journey. I wish you the best life you can possibly have going forward.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:55 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

DjDjani posted 10/16/2019 11:41 AM

Neandertal,just let her go and start to live a happy life. Dont live in hell any more. Stop torturing your self. You have only one life,dont easte it. Your douther will be just fine. A half of world is divorced,their children survived!!! Just let go man...

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