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Lost My Best Friend

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Neanderthal posted 10/17/2019 15:06 PM

You N need to fully grasp what she has done and your reactions to that. You need to understand that what she did is more than ample reason to divorce. You need to understand that what she did is surmountable if you truly want to reconcile. Both paths are still open to you
I am finally working on this. Playing detective didn't give me time to truly grasp it all. That was why I am thinking about a separation. Clear my head, without her around. Stand on my own two feet. Allow everything from the last three months to soak in. And Grieve! I've got a lot of crying left to do.

I think you need to understand that there is no punishing, no revenge. If YOU want to D, you do it because YOU WANT to. Not to spite her, but because YOU donít want a marriage with this woman.
I still struggle with this some. But in the end, I do not want to hurt her. I say things to her sometimes because it'll burn her for a moment. Even though I never would go through with any of the revenge stuff.

A trail separation is not for revenge. I just want some space. To decide what I am capable of. I don't know If R is even feasible.

If L was my sister I would be telling her that laws and regulations should ensure a fair divorce. That her actions in the last year do not justify that she settles for less than sheís entitled to. That she doesnít have to leave the home any more than she wants to.
This partially confuses me. I'm assuming its in regards to her possibly moving out for a separation. What else would you have us do? Literally split the house and live next to each other? Someone has to leave.

I've explained to her why I can't let her have the house. Here is my explanation. It would be unbearable for me to have to drop my daughter off at what was our home weekly. That's a painful trigger to what I had lost. The thought of another man some day living there with my WW, hurts badly as well. The thought of another man possibly pushing my daughter in the tire swing I put up, Is unbearable to me. Especially since none of this is my fault right? I understand all those things would be painful for her if reversed and I keep the house. And if she couldn't handle it, Id rather we sell the house and both start fresh.

I also told her that I'm not sure I could live there alone either. Id feel her ghost everywhere. If that was the case, id sell it and split the equity.

So I offered to sell it and share the equity, or let me keep it. Financially, she will get what she is entitled too. I want her to succeed no matter the outcome. Again I would never use money as a form of punishment.

Neanderthal posted 10/17/2019 15:39 PM

Numb&dumb
You've got options up to and including Ding your W.
OMG, I used to love Ding my wife. I usually refered to it as giving her the D! Id never say "bigD" cause that's factually incorrect. Boy, could I tell some stories about Ding my wife. Unfortunately others can too.

Sorry man. My inner 15 year old wouldn't let that go. I'm over it now.

Everything you wrote makes a lot of sense. Watching her grow into a real human being could be amazing or horrifying. I may not like the real her without masks. Or I don't have it in me to try. I just don't know yet.

I don't feel pressure anymore to make a quick decision.

Mene posted 10/17/2019 17:23 PM

Infidelity is a cluster fuck...

I bet if you didnít have a daughter with her, youíd divorce her in a flash.

Jimmy1962 posted 10/17/2019 17:36 PM

Mene said:

Infidelity is a cluster fuck

FOR SURE!

numb&dumb posted 10/18/2019 09:45 AM

LOL. Ok D will never have the same meaning for me again : )

I don't feel pressure anymore to make a quick decision.

That is very good. One thing you do have in abundance is time.

Also

I just don't know yet.

100% normal BTW.

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/20/2019 00:26 AM

Praying for you tonight.

doin just fine posted 10/20/2019 00:28 AM

Men and women cheat essentially because they like the effect produced. Selfish interest runs through the lives of others like a tornado. Frothy emotional appeals for the truth seldom seem to suffice. While you may have more of the truth now, seems unlikely you have it all, as you alluded to. And until an admission to your wifeís innermost self that her own interest runs over the lives of others itís not likely that youíll hear an admission of the exact nature of her wrongs.

You daughter deserves at least one healthy parent. One that is happy, joyous, and free. You donít need to make a quick decision. Pause when agitated or doubtful. The right course of action will come to you.

But you know all this. Youíve heard it before. And seen it in action. Peace and serenity Brother.

doin just fine posted 10/20/2019 00:28 AM

Men and women cheat essentially because they like the effect produced. Selfish interest runs through the lives of others like a tornado. Frothy emotional appeals for the truth seldom seem to suffice. While you may have more of the truth now, seems unlikely you have it all, as you alluded to. And until an admission to your wifeís innermost self that her own interest runs over the lives of others itís not likely that youíll hear an admission of the exact nature of her wrongs.

You daughter deserves at least one healthy parent. One that is happy, joyous, and free. You donít need to make a quick decision. Pause when agitated or doubtful. The right course of action will come to you.

But you know all this. Youíve heard it before. And seen it in action. Peace and serenity Brother.

Buffer posted 10/20/2019 02:20 AM

All I can say is do what is right for you.
Take care of #1 daughter. And dogs. Good Luck.

Butforthegrace posted 10/22/2019 07:12 AM

Hello N, checking in. Are you okay?

euphoria posted 10/25/2019 00:48 AM

In my opinion, and take it for what it's worth because I'm new here, but it's clear to me that she was trying to monkey branch over to the suave Casanova. You were the fail safe if it fell through. The fantasies about her having a future with this guy are the most damning. In doing this, she displayed an embarrassing lack of foresight. How are you going to explain to your 6 year old daughter this strange new man in the picture exactly? I can't imagine whether she even began to ask herself these questions, but perhaps it was just a 6 month long fantasy that she ran with, completely ignoring consequences or implications.

From the vibes I'm getting from your posts, you're leaving the door open. In my opinion, when someone leaves the door open with as much chances as you've given her, you're essentially putting her in 'timeout' and letting her know she messed up, but ultimately you are set on reconciliation in the long run. I could be wrong, but I feel that people who are adamant on divorce after an admission are more likely to slam the door shut. I can also see that you're feeling a scarcity complex, that your wife is the only one out there and you'll never find another. Don't fall into this trap, don't succumb to fears of being alone. That's always gonna be a fear when you end it with someone, no matter the level of commitment. But you will meet other people, and you will have other opportunities. Life takes us down strange paths that we never expect. And obviously, a daughter in the picture compounds things.

If it' your decision to reconcile, then it better be a zero tolerance policy with her from here on out. Complete transparency. She relegated you to Plan B with another guy, I'm not sure I could stay married to someone who would do that. But I'm not in your shoes, and it's easy to make proclamations from my position. Maybe it was the wake up call she needed to value you appropriately. Or maybe this is an early sign, and reconciling with her would be enabling her future bad behavior. I've reconciled with GF's who did bad behavior, only for them to do it again after long talks and heated arguments. Sometimes people are too set in their ways to change. That's a risk you're gonna have to take if you reconcile. She very well could do this to you again. Is that a risk you want to take?

I feel for you, and I wish you luck with what's to follow. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Neanderthal posted 10/29/2019 08:48 AM

From the vibes I'm getting from your posts, you're leaving the door open. In my opinion, when someone leaves the door open with as much chances as you've given her, you're essentially putting her in 'timeout' and letting her know she messed up, but ultimately you are set on reconciliation in the long run.
I understand your viewpoint, but I'm not sure I agree. What chances have I knowingly given her? I had a gut feeling she wasn't telling me everything after dday. No proof, just a feeling. So yeah, I give her multiple opportunities to come clean on her own. When I couldn't wait any longer, I polygraphed her. Since then I asked her to move out. I don't believe I am dead set on R. In fact, the farther away from DDay I get, the more confident I believe divorce is the best option.

I can also see that you're feeling a scarcity complex, that your wife is the only one out there and you'll never find another.
I don't believe this either. My response with dating options was just a push back on people who say things like: There are 3.5 billion women to choose from!" I'm a realist, I don't boast numbers to make me feel better. I hope to be extremely picky. I've seen many coworkers divorce, only to remarry someone new in a year or two. That seems crazy to me.

*****************************

As I alluded to above, I asked my WW to move out. She has agreed and already signed a lease for an apartment. She should get the keys next week sometime. I'm thankful she didn't drag her feet. Once she realized I was serious, she got to work.

I am calling this a temporary separation. More or less, I just want time to think and grieve without her around.

We have agreed to most of the rules or guidelines of the separation. I have no interest in spending time with her once she moves out. Hopefully she will work on herself, as I will work on me.

Before you ask, yes we are agreeing not to date or be physical with anyone else. I understand that her word means nothing. I will polygraph her again, IF I ever decide R is a possibility.

We will split time with our daughter, and a schedule is already agreed upon. We will do Christmas morning together.

She signed a 6 month lease, and I expect the separation to last at least that long. My daughter deserves some stability. I will not make any hasty decisions. Mommy moving out, then coming back in two months. Just for me to realize we should divorce, so she moves out again. That sounds like a terrible idea.

I'm sure my WW and I, will meet up to discuss progress, feelings, and the future. But to start with, I want NC unless it involves my daughter. Maybe sometime in the new year i'll be open to more dialogue.

************************

I'm going to vent a little now, so bare with me.

I understand the motto here is: "take what you need and leave the rest". But boy o boy, does that give people a lot of room to say some stupid shit IMHO.

Please remember just how mentally broken most of the people are here when they first arrive. Most of us were very susceptible to be influenced by others. Mainly because we can't think straight while going through so much trauma. This goes for the wayward spouses too.

Some of you are great at not projecting your situation onto others. I am so thankful for you. But some of us, and I am including myself, aren't capable of that. And we absolutely should not be giving people advice as if its fact. You may be willing to R no matter what your wayward spouse does. That most definitely doesn't mean I feel the same way. Just because You divorced at the first sign of a flirty text. Doesn't mean that's the only way to handle that situation.

I will respond to what I consider bad advice. If its given to my wife or myself. So if you aren't willing to fight for your opinion.
Don't bring that weak shit here. lol

I understand this probably all comes off as I only want to hear what fits my narrative. And maybe that's partially true, but SI has really made a mark on me. So I am listening and capable of changing my opinion. A great example of this, is the polygraph. Before SI, I would never have given a polygraph any real value. I probably would have never made my WW take one either. I am so grateful you all changed my mind on that. It was a necessary tool in my situation.

If you read this far, thank you.
I truly am blessed to have found this place.

tikismom posted 10/29/2019 09:47 AM

Sending you strength to get through this Neanderthal. I hope the separation is helpful to your healing process.

nekonamida posted 10/29/2019 09:56 AM

I think you're doing great. Putting yourself first is really the way to go no matter if you R or D.

TimSC posted 10/29/2019 10:41 AM

Although a lot of people tend to project their situation on you, most remember that you are a unique person with unique circumstances.

You are making up your own mind and that is a good thing.

I too would be suspicious of any and all words for now.

Ponus18 posted 10/29/2019 11:38 AM

Count me in as another here who thinks you've been doing a great job in obviously very shitty circumstances.

What can you do? Looks like we're on page 30 something here so invariably there's going to be some unhelpful sh*t said here and there. But on the other hand man there's been an awful lot of rock solid suggestions from folks who have seen it all. I wish I had this place when I needed the help.

Sounds to me like your plan makes a lot of sense. I wish you the best whatever you decide.

Butforthegrace posted 10/29/2019 13:12 PM

Count me among those who think you're on the right path. I was also one of your early WW cheerleaders who was duped by her early posts. Which underscores to me that your instinct has been right all along.

SusanneH posted 10/29/2019 16:05 PM

Neandrathal,

I've been following your posts off & on, and I agree that you're on the right path. You've been through a lot, and have also been given TONS of advice. Most mean well, and some, I guess just want to say what 'they' believe. It's hard to sort it out sometimes. I'm going through getting advice right now, and it's not always easy. I have to stop my initial 'no, not me/us!' on everything, and think about taking it or leaving it thoroughly. I think you've got it.
Best to you & your daughter.
peace.

Trying2copeinMD posted 10/29/2019 19:51 PM

Neanderthal,

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and say that you're doing a wonderful job as well. I sincerely believe that. It seems that you've taken this totally crappy situation that we've all fell into to some degree or another and really thought of how to proceed. I can definitely appreciate that you've taken time and actually planned out so much with your WW as to how to proceed to make as little impact on your daughter as possible. Yes, it's going to have an impact, but you're doing your best to minimize that to the best of your ability.

As for your comment about some bad advice, I can see that too. I think we all come here and project our own opinions of what happened to us and assume that it must be a one-size-fits-all to a certain degree. Either we project what we have done, or what we wish we had done. I'm glad that you were able to navigate through a lot of that and come to decisions that are your own, and not following the first bits of advice that you are given, either to divorce or reconcile immediately (if that was what was said up front).

I have really followed your story quite a bit, partially because both of you are on here. Sadly, our stories have some similarities. My mother passed away 2 weeks after D Day. I received the phone call to get to the hospital as quick as I could, and an hour drive took me 20 minutes (sorry to the Maryland Highway Patrol). I didn't make it in time, but what was more upsetting to me is that the person that I would lean on I didn't even want around and that situation at all.

I personally didn't go the route of the polygraph. I also didn't want all the sexual details, because in my case, I didn't really feel that it mattered too much. They were at work, and they never came back to my house. To me, all that mattered is that she had an extremely inappropriate relationship with someone else. That was all the information that I really needed at the time. There is no family mixing or anything like that going on.

anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you. You and your future with your wife. I can respect that you're doing what you need to do, and if you decide to reconcile or divorce, that is your personal choice. I am one of those that leans more towards reconciliation, which is so strange because before any of this happened in my own life, I could tell you what side of the fence I would be leaning on. The thing is, I'm not in your marriage. You and your wife are. I do hope that whatever happens, you guys can both heal and move on with peace, either together or apart, and that your daughter still flourishes.

Keep up the good work, and please, continue to use us as your support system. We might not all have the same ideas or beliefs, but I think we all come from a place that we want to help.

emergent8 posted 11/4/2019 12:24 PM

Hi Neanderthal,

Just checking in. Has the separation started yet? How are you holding up? How was halloween with your daughter? Did you do trick-or-treating?

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