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Lost My Best Friend

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Marz posted 8/2/2019 11:42 AM

A big part of R requirements for a succefull one is truth/transparency in order to gain trust.

You have neither.

M1965 posted 8/2/2019 11:45 AM

Although we may not be there with you in person, our thoughts are with you, and we are always here for you.

You are a good man, and you will get through this.

TimSC posted 8/2/2019 12:26 PM

You had mentioned she wanted to talk to you some time ago.

Did the meeting take place? Anything more you did not know?

Have you set up a polygraph?

Trdd posted 8/2/2019 13:38 PM

Your WW seems to be showing positive signs toward remorse. She's also screwed up several things post DD but pretty much every WS does to one degree or another... that isn't unusual. This site is full of WS being in the fog, trickle truth, loving you but not being in love with you etc etc. The list of poor behavior is really long. Your WS doesn't seem to be doing even half the crap that many WS do.

If you have any inclination toward reconciliation though, the issue is not do they get everything perfect starting on DD but do they become remorseful and work hard to make themselves safe and heal you? If they do all that then you can assess, over time, if you can reconcile successfully or not.

There are a number of perspectives here that are really based upon speculation. Many of us project things onto other people's situations because that's what we experienced. That doesn't make it true for your situation. So remember to take our perspectives with a healthy dose of salt and apply what seems to fit.

Keep taking care of yourself. Your're getting through this one step at a time and are going to make it to a place where you are healed.

[This message edited by Trdd at 1:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 8/2/2019 14:00 PM

I understand that you are concerned that her getting fired will impact you too.

That's why you need to consult with an attorney to confirm the impact of D as well as how spousal support is determined in your state.

Some states take many factors into consideration including earnings potential, training, licensing, experience etc.- as well as current employment status.

GoldenR posted 8/2/2019 14:14 PM

I understand that you are concerned that her getting fired will impact you too.
That's why you need to consult with an attorney to confirm the impact of D as well as how spousal support is determined in your state.

Some states take many factors into consideration including earnings potential, training, licensing, experience etc.- as well as current employment status.

There's another thing that factors in, I can't remember the legal name for it, but basically if the spouse that will receive spousal support lost their job engaging in behavior where it was evident that engaging in said behavior would result in termination of employment, then their income pre-termination is factored into spousal support.

I'd ask your lawyer about this as well

Stevesn posted 8/2/2019 14:48 PM

When you say your wife has a contract it leads me to believe sheís at a private or charter school and not a public school.

If Iím wrong and sheís in a Union make sure she has her union rep with her. Perhaps they could mediate a change of school.

Sharkman posted 8/2/2019 15:01 PM

I can Pm you instructions on how to recover deleted texts. Just watch out - the way is so foolproof that her phone is going to magically get lost or fall into a toilet. I hope you live in an at-fault state because youíll have a rock solid proof right from
Her phone.

Sharkman posted 8/2/2019 15:01 PM

I can Pm you instructions on how to recover deleted texts. Just watch out - the way is so foolproof that her phone is going to magically get lost or fall into a toilet. I hope you live in an at-fault state because youíll have a rock solid proof right from
Her phone.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 15:04 PM

My daughter is a teacher,at a public school, and she has a contract.

Neanderthal posted 8/2/2019 16:14 PM

PM me sharkman

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 16:35 PM

Neanderthal - I know this thread has switched gears a few times, but you mentioned sex with WW.

This is a common feeling/desire (google "hysterical bonding" - termed "HB" here on SI ). I fell deep into HB - and I SOOOOOO wish that I'd known what it was before I had post dday sex with WH. So, to the extent you are able to stay strong on this front - I think it will serve you well. I feel I wasted months of my own focus and healing bc I gave into HB and let WH move back into the house when I was in the midst of crisis/trauma. I became too willing to put my focus on him (which I cannot control) instead of myself (which is all I can control). Others can, but I am not someone that could do the 180 while living in the same space. You know your capability on this front better than anyone, so I suggest you be mindful of that.

I recommend keeping your distance for as long as YOU need to. When in the same home, it's very easy to fall back into the same routines/habits, or it was for me. I think in the wake of dday I was so longing for a return to some sense of "normal" that I allowed my hope (aka "hopium" ) to overshadow other things I needed to work on - for me and by me. Again, you know yourself best.

I would also recommend reading the "betrayed menz thread" in the I Can Relate (aka ICR) forum. I am a BW, but some BHs (wincing_at_light comes to mind) seem to come to this "party" with pretty solid footing and self esteem (and little/no COD) that was really helpful to me once I found them.

Stevesn posted 8/2/2019 16:59 PM

Hi N

Iím sorry to be posting so much. I hope itís helpful. But as they say here, ď take what you need and leave the restĒ.

I wanted to talk about the timeline and retrieving the messages.

Iím absolutely all for both. You canít heal without knowing what you are healing from. D or R, you need to take the next months and years to heal so itís best o do it from a basis of truth and not fiction or lies.

So, I wanted to talk about when you get that truth, either thru the timeline or via retrieving the messages.

Itís going to be awful to read. Itís going to really be awful. Expect to feel sick. Expect to hate her. Itís only natural. She did something awful with another man. She said awful things to that man. And every bit of it will hurt you.

Just know that when you do read this, that your reaction and feelings the next several days and weeks may or might not be the same as what you eventually do.

If you feel itís all a deal breaker right now, that does not mean you will definitely D down the road. And if you feel you can handle it right now, that doesnít mean you will be able to save your marriage.

So donít worry about what will happen down the road when you read these things. Just worry about you right now. Yell, scream, cry, throw up, ... do it all.

But know that this is not the time for making decisions. Make her no promises every way. Just absorb. And exist. And Be.

You are not under any deadlines here. No one will Rush any decisions. You have a wife that is cooperating. Thatís all you have so far. And until she starts to deliver on what you have asked, you donít know to what extent she is ALL IN.

And when she does, you owe her nothing. Just focus on your own sanity and health and well being. And then focus on your kid. You donít have to say anything back right away.

Just tell her you need time to process it all and you will start discussing it later.

There are many different examples here on SI. You will get much advice on the different ways to proceed. Itís all for you to digest and come up with your own path.

I wish you well.

(I have sent you a PM with some info. Let me know if you canít find it. Thanks).

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:00 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/2/2019 17:14 PM

There have been two teachers who have cheated on their spouses with another teacher. They are all still employed at my school, so you never know...

There may be a slap on the wrist, keep it off campus kind of thing to teachers cheating with teachers (or vendors as my XWW teacher) but to have the fact that teachers are screwing parents and vice versa get around the PTA would not be good PR.
My XWW was at private school, no union.

NoOptTo posted 8/3/2019 08:08 AM

How are you holding up N? How did your WW meeting go with her principal and his boss? Did she give you her timeline?

You've been a lot recently, remember to care for yourself and your child at this point.

Trdd posted 8/3/2019 12:10 PM

Hi N. Hang in there brother. We realize this is a very painful time for you but you will get through it.

A number of people here have said this but I think it us worth repeating that you don't need to make big decisions right now when you are in the midst of this trauma. You really just need to take care of yourself and work on that.

The decision to D or R is really yours. No one would hold it against you no matter which way you choose to go. I said before that those of us reading the Forum don't have the full picture by any means. But I do think, from what I have read, that you're WS is showing signs of actual remorse. That doesn't mean you have to R but I do think it is a window of opportunity that many people do not receive this quickly after D-Day. And many people never receive it at all.

Remorse is a necessary ingredient for R. Seeing it early is a sign of potential success for R. Something to consider, at least.


Krieger posted 8/3/2019 13:13 PM

You have to discuss staying sober, as it has to be first and foremost in saving the marriage, the best thing for your daughter and the best thing for you. I don't think that it is why she cheating, as this was something that she did to make herself feel good.

I believe that most relationships can be saved if both parties work to fix the relationship. What you have to decide is that really what you want. This is not a right or wrong decision, it is subjective. Some people can forgive and immediately work to save the relationship, while other are one and done. You have to decide where you fall, if you will never be able to get over the betrayal, then you need to work to co-parent separately.

This doesn't mean you won't have emotional ups and downs, that is a rollercoaster you are going to ride for awhile. Just understand that it is going to happen. Emotions seem to be running very high, so I suggest that you not discuss it everyday. Also play days for healing that have nothing to do the betrayal but to remind yourselves why you got together in the beginning.

Neanderthal posted 8/3/2019 14:09 PM

She gave me the timeline. I made her read it to me. A seven month affair only took her 1.5 pages to write down. She didn't write down any new details, but i grilled her and she admitted a few more things. But she still says they only had sex once. Obviously i don't believe her.

She downplayed or minimized her actions multiple times.
For example: He went down on me but it didn't feel good. I stopped him. I went down on him for a couple minutes.

She wrote how awkward is was, but that didn't stop her from trying different positions over a long period of time that night. She's so full of it. She loved all of it.

As i'm writing this the OBS just texted me. She says her WH has Herpes! fuck me!

Her meeting with the principle is on Monday. Ill probably go, hold her hand and act as a team. Maybe even ask them to give her another chance.

Neanderthal posted 8/3/2019 14:16 PM

You are not under any deadlines here

I think i disagree. while the pain and trauma is fresh. That's when i should decide if she worth my effort.

Do people regret trying to reconcile?
Do people ever regret not trying to reconcile?

Murkywaters posted 8/3/2019 14:18 PM

I'll never understand why WS's want to act like they hated everything they were doing but just couldn't stop. Like we're all supposed to believe they under some sort magic spell or mind control. It seems like the least she could do is treat you like an adult.

F'n herpes, holy shit, I hope you dodged that bullet. That's enough to send someone over the edge.

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