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Lost My Best Friend

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numb&dumb posted 1/15/2020 14:54 PM

Well . . . I guess I'll leave you alone. Best of luck to you.

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 15:19 PM

Numb&dumb, who were you quoting?

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 15:25 PM

Were you that triggered by Sisoon, or is there something else at play here?
He called me a whiner for posting on SI, minimized my feelings saying it's all in my head and told me to hurry the fuck up.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/15/2020 15:28 PM

N,

I'm supposed to take advice from someone who has minimized his owns actions. Your long term affair is much fucking worse than porn use! That's you owning your own shit?

I don't deny or minimize my A, or my reasons for going down that path. It took me 4 years to get to the point where I can honestly discuss it.

What is this about porn use? Did you have a porn addiction too?

We are not trying to gang up on you or judge you. far from it. We are trying to offer an opinion and we can only do that so far as what you share with us.

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 15:33 PM

MrCleanslate, these are your words.

Cheating is cheating.

Yes, I went full on and had sex with my AP many times, shared my feeling and thoughts. Is than any worse than the wayward who has virtual sex with a camgirl, or having an EA with the assistant at the office? Or the guy who rubs one out to porn everynight?

That is in my opinion, you minimizing your actions.

Don't go adding shit to my rap sheet.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 3:34 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 1/15/2020 15:38 PM

He called me a whiner for posting on SI, minimized my feelings saying it's all in my head and told me to hurry the fuck up.

Gently, he asked if you were whining because that was the the tone he was interpreting. Even without the question, he was calling out an action, not labeling you by said action.

Instead of minimizing your feelings, I saw someone trying to build you up by acknowledging you are strong enough to overcome even the toughest mental blocks. Maybe he was trying to point out your potential.

Some people know immediately they are not candidates for R. Some don't. Could he have been trying to see on which side of that end you lean?

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 15:40 PM

Well . . . I guess I'll leave you alone. Best of luck to you.
I hope this was sisoon. Go ahead lob your grenade into my world and then runaway because I take exception to it.

If you aren't willing to discuss and back up your point on MY thread. Then yes, leave me alone.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/15/2020 15:50 PM

N,

The point there was that cheating, no matter the extent can have the same effects on the other party. There is an awful lot of BS here that will tell you that an EA is as bad as a PA. It's still cheating or infidelity or whatever.

Would I have been seen a less of a cheater if I only let my AP blow me? or maybe I sent her hundreds of dick pics and not actually fucked her? you think my wife would have siad - well that is OK?

You are getting pissed off because all of this actually matters to you. Now get your head out of your ass and act. I still think you and your wife need to do a mediation session to clear the air. If nothing else it will let you two set a path forward.

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 15:57 PM

Lostgirl410, thank you for your explanation of his words. I have no idea what his intentions were. Because he can't be bothered to explain.

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 16:00 PM

Different versions of cheating may have the same effect, but they aren't equal. You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise. Go ask your wife if she would have preferred that you only sent dick pictures instead of fucking another woman multiple times.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/15/2020 20:49 PM

Neanderthal likes there to be a sliding affair scale because he canít admit what he did was no better than his WW. He prefers to be the victim. This is strictly my interpretation of what has been posted to date.

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 21:15 PM

There she is!

Thanksgiving2016 has enjoyed taking the anger she has for her husband out on me through private messages.

Let it all out. You'll feel better.

HellFire posted 1/15/2020 21:22 PM

Since we are comparing, I don't think what you did was anywhere near as bad as what she has done.

I also commend you for coming clean, even though it took years, without a polygraph, or to a polygraph administrator.

As someone else said..you found your balls,and manned up.

I am rooting for BOTH of you. I truly believe reconciliation is possible. You love her. Your head is saying one thing, and your heart is saying something else.

Sometimes you should listen to your heart.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 1/15/2020 21:25 PM

Awe. Sorry I cut off your ego kibbles 😭

Neanderthal posted 1/15/2020 21:30 PM

Thanksgiving2016, I liked you better when you were calling me names.

GoldenR posted 1/16/2020 04:48 AM

There is a sliding scale of infidelity.

numb&dumb posted 1/16/2020 08:26 AM

Myself.

Butforthegrace posted 1/16/2020 08:50 AM

The point there was that cheating, no matter the extent can have the same effects on the other party.†

You use "can", and of course anything can happen. People divorce over EAs, and stay in unreconciled marriages where one spouse is openly and actively cheating.

But I think most of us agree that there are degrees of cheating. Some things are easier to move on from. It is personal and subjective to each BS, although my observation is that there is some degree of uniformity around notions of duration of the A, frequency and enthusiasm of the sex in the A, and similar stuff.

Your WW comes home from her high school reunion and tearfully tells you that, after way too much to drink, she kissed passionately with the dude she went to the prom with.

You VAR and hidden camera your wife, whom you suspect of cheating. You get video and audio of her having unprotected sex with your best friend, in your embed while you are at work. You hear her tell your buddy that his dick is way better than yours, and you see her let him cum in her mouth and then joke about what a chump you will be when she kisses you in an hour or so.

In your mind as a BH, is your degree of trauma exactly the same?

Neanderthal posted 1/16/2020 09:38 AM

Myself.
numb&dumb, I'm really confused. If I offended you by calling out Sisoon, I am sorry.
do you think itís realistic to stay separated and in limbo for 3-5 years before you decide whether to divorce or stay together? Honest question.
No, I don't want to be in limbo now, let alone 5 years from now.

Were you that triggered by Sisoon, or is there something else at play here?
Yes, I was that triggered by Sisoon. I explained some earlier, but there's more.
If yes, what was the exact part that extracted so much anger?
He said forgiveness isn't needed to R. I certainly believe it is. I think most people would agree. The rest of his message he implied its just that easy.
If you don't want to R, acknowledge it, and act accordingly.
If no, what else are you having a particularly difficult time with today?
I wasn't having a bad day, until I read his post.
Also, is it possible you fear forgiveness because you don't fully understand how to forgive (or make peace with) yourself?
This is definitely true. I haven't forgiven myself for things I did as a child.

Sisoon, I am sorry I lashed out at you. My interpretation may not have been what you meant. If it is what you meant, then we just disagree on many big things in life.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/16/2020 09:47 AM

What 'Butforthegrace' said. There are actions that can be forgiven and actions that end the marriage. The fact is that there are degrees of infidelity. That's why cheaters minimize, hoping that the lesser degree they reveal will keep the marriage intact.

Just a note to everyone: I don't claim to be a paragon of virtuosity as I'm sure that none of us are, but if we find ourselves getting personally involved in a thread to the point that we begin insulting posters, we might want to consider removing ourself from the thread. This thread belongs to Neanderthal and though his faults, like the rest of us, are many, it doesn't provide anyone an excuse to demean, humiliate, or lash out at him. If we find ourselves in that state of mind, please consider moving to threads that don't trigger the sensibilities. Full disclosure; I've gone overboard in the past and insulted posters too. Thanks to all.

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