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Lost My Best Friend

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Marz posted 2/4/2020 14:32 PM

Sugar Smacks are great.

Just sayin.

emergent8 posted 2/4/2020 14:46 PM

I met LD's therapist. That was interesting. I know its not considered the norm to do so, but I think in our case it may have been helpful. Only time will tell.

How did that go? Was it enlightening. I'm sure its helpful for the counsellor to get context and insight into the dynamics of the relationship. Its definitely not the norm, but my husband actually did IC with our MC. She was the MC first and not the other way around . My husband really struggles with identifying his feelings (putting them into words) - particularly post-A when he was overwhelmed and all filled with shame. After several sessions of me getting frustrated and both MC and and myself putting words into his mouth she suggested we give it a shot and we all agreed to the rather atypical set-up. I don't normally comment about it because people automatically assume something untoward was going on, but I actually think it was helpful in our particular scenario.

Two of my sisters I wouldn't even recognize if they walked past me.

That sounds lonely. Did they not attend your mother's funeral?

Neanderthal posted 2/4/2020 15:33 PM

How did that go?
Her IC cares. That was immediately obvious. She met me on short notice on Saturday and didn't charge anything. She described it as research to better understand and help LD. I knew they were working on her FOO issues, but I honestly didn't know if they had discussed the more recent matters. So it was a relief to hear everything was being addressed. Little by little. From here on out, I'll just ask LD how things are going. Let them get to work without my interference.
Did they not attend your mother's funeral?
Only the sister I'm close with attended it with me. It's not lonely. I have no memories of them. How do you miss something you never had?

sisoon posted 2/5/2020 12:50 PM

It's not the norm, but I recommend all BSes:

1) get a release signed by WS that allows WS's IC to talk with BS, and

2) meet with WS's IC from time to time to make sure WS isn't lying to IC or to BS.

My W's IC, who became our MC, said she'd schedule a joint session if I asked her much about what my W was doing in IC.

[The whole thing became moot when she became our MC, because she had W's permission to bring her IC issues into MC sessions, so I knew W was saying the same things to me and to her (MC/IC.]

Neanderthal posted 2/12/2020 09:12 AM

Warning!! This is a vent post!

I'm not sure how I am supposed to do things. Am I a WS, Am I a BS? Can I not feel one or the other. Or must I always combine the two for everything I say or think or feel or do!

I was triggered hard by my wife's post. I make the mistake of responding. Am I not supposed to read it? Should I not have an opinion? Should I not be frustrated that my conflict avoidant wife would rather talk to internet strangers about parenting issues than with me?! How the fuck do I manage all of this! I guess that's our new norm right? Co parenting doesn't require us to communicate, just share our child's time (I am aware this isn't what good co-parenting should be).

Yep, I am angry. I am angry at LD. Its the same bullshit she would do before her affair. "I wont talk to N, he will just blame me. He will tell me how terrible of a mother I am. That its all my fault."
In reality I want what is best for my family. I wan to help my wife and daughter. I want to be helpful not hurtful!

Oh and I need MC like I need a bullet in the back of my head!

How do I navigate this? Even if I try to avoid her posts, how the fuck do I avoid one called Being a parent....

FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK!!!!!!!

I really wish I wasn't at work.

[This message edited by Neanderthal at 9:13 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 2/12/2020 09:26 AM

Be gentle with yourself. I don't think what you said was so bad, you are frustrated, and she knew you would see the post. I think LD is typically pretty forgiving of you. And, I think it's important to keep the perspective, this is just a forum, you two are fighting for your life.

So, you triggered. So you responded. It's nothing she hasn't heard before. And, in all reality, it did nothing to derail her support.

I wouldn't get caught up with roles in terms of WS/BS. I think you are predominantly in the BS role here because the issues that you two have at hand at the moment are predominately about the more recent events - her affair. This is what has brought it all to a head. But, your goal is just to do the best you can, and to try and heal. I think you are expecting a lot out of yourself, and you just need to take a breath and understand you are doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself.

Thissucks5678 posted 2/12/2020 11:43 AM

I donít understand why her post bothered you so much? Parenting is hard. It is frustrating as hell. My kids push my damn buttons all the time and Iím the BS AND the stricter one with more firm boundaries. I truly believe itís because my WH has a meaner and deeper voice when heís being stern - itís more intimidating. Also the fact that they adore him and want to be ďdaddyís girls.Ē I couldíve easily had a conversation with one of my girlfriends venting those same frustrations that she just wrote on the forum and I donít see anything wrong with it. Parenting is hard for everyone. My kids drive my WH crazy sometimes too. I donít remind him of when he checked out for a year when he vents about parenting.

I donít know, why are you trying to fix this for her? Do you have a knight in shining armor thing? Sometimes people just need to vent to get their frustrations out and donít need a solution or advice just empathy. Maybe thatís what your looking for - if so, Iím sorry you are frustrated with her post. Iím sure itís tough when you both are on the forum.

I would really look deep and ask yourself why it bothered you so much though, my WH used to struggle with understanding that a vent wasnít necessarily complaining. It was just me airing frustrations so I wasnít keeping them locked inside making me angry and resentful.

Good luck to you both. I hope you are able to resolve this, especially with your MH status. Iím sure that makes everything more difficult.

ibonnie posted 2/12/2020 11:53 AM

Instead of MC, can you two go to family counseling and/or talk to your daughter's therapist (if she's seeing someone) to work on co-parenting more effectively?

emergent8 posted 2/12/2020 11:55 AM

You're allowed to trigger. You're allowed to vent.

I'm not sure how I am supposed to do things. Am I a WS, Am I a BS? Can I not feel one or the other. Or must I always combine the two for everything I say or think or feel or do!

I'm no expert or authority on being a MH, but it remains my position that you are a new BS, regardless of your past. As such, you are entitled and expected to your feelings in this regard. I do not think it is necessary, useful, or even possible to wear both hats at all times.

Your wife's conflict avoidance and struggle with being the "bad guy" with your daughter is a trigger for you. I think that is worth exploring. Sure it makes co-parenting more difficult but it is likely deeper than that. My guess is that you recognize that those same people-pleasing qualities and difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries were major contributors to her A.

I'd be willing to bet that her (and your) frustrations with this and her lack of confidence in this arena were also contributors to her feelings of entitlement (that allowed her to justify her A), her vulnerability to ego kibbles and desire for escape. Again, something to explore.

Tron posted 2/12/2020 12:46 PM

Warning!! This is a vent post!
I'm not sure how I am supposed to do things. Am I a WS, Am I a BS? Can I not feel one or the other. Or must I always combine the two for everything I say or think or feel or do!

I was triggered hard by my wife's post. I make the mistake of responding. Am I not supposed to read it? Should I not have an opinion? Should I not be frustrated that my conflict avoidant wife would rather talk to internet strangers about parenting issues than with me?! How the fuck do I manage all of this! I guess that's our new norm right? Co parenting doesn't require us to communicate, just share our child's time (I am aware this isn't what good co-parenting should be).

Yep, I am angry. I am angry at LD. Its the same bullshit she would do before her affair. "I wont talk to N, he will just blame me. He will tell me how terrible of a mother I am. That its all my fault."
In reality I want what is best for my family. I wan to help my wife and daughter. I want to be helpful not hurtful!

Oh and I need MC like I need a bullet in the back of my head!

How do I navigate this? Even if I try to avoid her posts, how the fuck do I avoid one called Being a parent....

FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK FORK!!!!!!!

I really wish I wasn't at work.

When I read your response to her, I was thinking "WOW, I wonder if he rips her a new one like this often. A lot of contempt in your post. A lot of criticism. A lot of anger. A lot of blame. Not helpful. Not constructive."

If this was a typical interaction on parenting in your house, then, if I was her, I wouldn't discuss it with you either.

Now, if this was just you triggering and lashing out in anger, then you owe her an apology. And you need to work on that anger, in counseling or otherwise.

And if you don't think you have a problem here...you are mistaken IMO.

Tron posted 2/12/2020 12:52 PM

As a father of 2 girls and a boy, I can tell you with 99% certainty that your daughter will be testing her mom in many different ways for the next dozen years or so. You, not so much.

Your relationship and your W's relationship with your D are not the same and never will be.

And I'm not saying that your W can't be a better mom.

emergent8 posted 2/12/2020 13:45 PM

To be clear, N, (just because there seems to be some confusion in some of the responses) - you don't *actually* tell LD she's a "terrible mother", do you?

emergent8 posted 2/19/2020 13:24 PM

How are you doing, Neanderthal?

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