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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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ashestophoenix posted 9/3/2019 17:54 PM

Dee, yes, it's awful that my husband fantasized about teenagers. He has three adult daughters, and I trust him with them. We have only grandsons, and I trust him with them as well.

While I don't forgive him these fantasies, I also think it's more common than is comfortable. Look at how teenage girls are sexualized and fetishized in our culture. A Victoria's Secret catalog is full of very young girls in soft porn poses. Porn is full of portrayals of teenage girls. It's awful, there is no doubt about that.

And in my teenage years I was treated as an object and in inappropriate ways by so many men. When I was in high school I knew of three male teachers who had sexual relationships with high school girls. Were they sex addicts? I don't know.

That said, I don't forgive him for this. I think he has tremendous shame about it all, which I view as the proper response. I don't know if he is truly over it or not.

I think our whole culture is disrespectful of women and girls in general.

ashestophoenix

Superesse posted 9/3/2019 19:42 PM

DevastatedDee 🙌👏🏻👏🏻 Poster-worthy!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 9/3/2019 20:24 PM

Writers block, I’m sorry but FUCK THAT GUY for taking nude photos of you and sending them to anyone without your knowledge! What in the actual fuck?

That is so utterly violating. I would have punched him in the face, or worse.

And Arfaj, re: your spouse having fantasies that specifically involve teenagers AND incest, I would 100% be questioning the safety of your daughters in the future. I’m assuming that you have copies of all of the evidence you’ve gathered somewhere? I would imagine that if you took this information to a family therapist or some other type of social worker they would be able to assist you with getting some protection in place for your children.

At the very least there would be documentation of his proclivities so if it ever came up in the future you wouldn’t sound like you were accusing him out of spite.

And I’m with ashes, it is absolutely terrible that you are even in a position to ask such a question.

I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say we are all proud of you for doing what you needed to do by getting him out of the house. And no matter what next steps you need to take, we’re here to support you through that too!

Writersblock122 posted 9/3/2019 21:35 PM

Thanks for the support, everyone.
DevastatedDee-I appreciate your honest post. I need to hear it because my self esteem is so low right now, that I question myself at every turn.
HeHadADoubleLife-I feel utterly violated for sure. I'm devastated that the person who is supposed to support, love and protect me did this. I think I'm still in shock. I am embarrassed and humiliated, too.

DashboardMadonna posted 9/4/2019 14:33 PM

Omfg! I Missed a lot! I am going to be Frank- THEY ALL FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUNG GIRLS! (Not yelling) Most of them arent dumb enough to admit it. We live in a youth culture, where young girls and women are exploited, while aging men are seen as attractive and debonaire, per the programming. The "school uniform" is one of the most popular lingerie and Halloween costumes ever sold, if that tells you something. I think some men just fear the law, as far as age of consent is concerned. Now, in terms of "sex addict", they dont fear such things...yeah, scarey.

DevistatedDee

I concur! No need to apologize, we are on the same page. I do think it wise to get out. I personally don't want to normalize sleeping in a seperate bedroom, leading seperate lives. I FUCKING HATE THIS! I also believe that these "pros" are trying to normalize this behavior, per the program. I haven't any shit left to give. They should be in prison and that is the truth. They are not safe...no way...They are perpetuating sexual abuse and molestation. They are capable of anything and everything. They escalate their behavior, because the obsession is insaciable...ummm hello....can we say scary????

As soon as my son gets his college figured out, I am filing.

Arfaj

Over 20 years ago (before there were ad blockers for the web), I use to have pregnant porn popping up on my computer screen all the time. Oh course the sick freak denies this obsession, while he is sexually repulsed by the mother of his child.

My honest opinion...I dont believe they are safe to be around children not at all, for the exact reasons you specify. THEY HAVE BECOME THEIR ABUSER (not yelling...too lazy to bold it)... there is a risk, there is no telling what they are capable of...that is the truth.

Nothing is off limits for these creeps. My husband got a handjob from a prostitute that was younger than my son (he was probably 20 at the time)....and he LOVED Asian sex slaves...their ads are all face tuned to look exactly the same and underaged. This attracts him. His a fucking sick POS.

When it comes to custody battles, you'll be hard pressed to get full custody and that is because of how the system is trying normalize pedophilia into a sexuality. The facts are all there, about "sex addicts", but no one cares to address it, in terms of children's safety. Until they're caught with child porn, it wont happen...even that isnt a guarantee. Canada has a sexual preditor (there is proof), that is riding their system, while claiming to be trans.

ashestophoenix

I am in SoCal and I too, remember tons of pedo teachers. They were never prosecuted, one was laid off and he had other students harrassed the girl he molested, when her mother found out. California has been normalizing this shit forever.

When I was 15 or 16, I went to a party where two drunk men (late 40s) approached me and one said "my friend and I decided that we want to fuck you and your friend"...My parents thought I was staying at said friends house, and not going to party....so, I didnt say anything. My parents wouldn't have done much anyway, they were very self absorbed...they would have turned the fault on me. Needless to say, I never went to another party.

Around that time, this same friend was walking home from another friends home and a man pulled over and flashed her.

This has become so normalized for girls, that we fear blame for the predictors acts. We have been conditioned aquire the blame, since the beginning of time, while victim shamed when we blow the whistle. When you witness your own government and its leaders being involved in the sex trade, you realize our protection is a lie...its always been this way.


[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 3:14 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Somber posted 9/4/2019 14:52 PM

There is so much painful stuff here! Holy crap!!

Writers block, what a massive perverse betrayal by your spouse. I am so sorry for you that he shared personal photos of you. I can’t understand how he could have ever justified that in his addict mind. Take deep breaths, be kind to yourself. Detach and distance yourself so you can process everything. Keep posting. You certainly are not alone.

That has never happened to me but I did end up at a party once with swingers. Not known to me. My WH invited one of the couples to hit on me without my knowledge. This other woman perversely flirted with me, very suggestive and I turned her down. I had a few drinks and was so uncomfortable but just tried to laugh it off. She then told me my WH said I was interested-wtf! His response, “it was worth a try.” This is all ‘addict’ behaviour where their action are purely based on filling that addiction.

So yes DevastatedDee!!!!! Our normal has become so screwed up that we accept a tremendous amount of addict behaviour as our normal. Your responses are spot on!!!

The problem comes when your expectations become so lowered because you've been surrounded by depravity for so long that you actually question for a moment whether or not it is kinda normal for your spouse to do these things. Your own perspective on life winds up twisted and skewed because you're with someone who would do things like this and shrug it off.
. Yes so true!

Arfaj,
My goodness that is so hurtful to even go there mentally. I hope you have a IC to process your concerns with. I wouldn’t trust your WH responses as like you said he is an addict. Unless he is in recovery and has done a whole lot of therapy I would be on high alert. How old are your children?
I am sure my WH is attracted to teenagers as well, never been determined. As Ashes mentioned they are unfortunately highly sexualized in our culture. I already fear for when my 6 year old daughter is a teenager but I fear without knowledge that I need too. It is always okay to discuss with our children indirectly about body safety, etc. My kids are well aware that they are the bosses of their bodies and that no one is allowed to touch/see their privates. That may be a good place to start. There are many children’s books with age appropriate information about this too. It can help protect them from anyone with the knowledge about what is safe or not safe, body boundaries and that body secrets are not okay...


DevastatedDee posted 9/4/2019 15:18 PM

I agree that teen girls are sexualized. I also remember men my dad's age staring at my boobs when I was 14. I remember how frightening these men were to me too.

A good man does not do that to a child. A good man does not make a child feel uncomfortable in her own body. So maybe there are a lot of men just dying to have sex with 14-year-olds, but those men are depraved scum who do not comprehend basic human decency towards kids. A decent man might feel grossed out by his automatic attraction towards a pretty minor and ensure that his eyes stay where they should be and that the girl in question has no clue about it. I heard a few men in their 30s have this conversation one day at a pool: "I used to look at teenage girls and then my daughter became one and it is absolutely revolting to me now. I want to hit every man whose eyes wander to girls that age.". So apparently if one can view the teenage girl as a human being who is too young for grown men, there isn't a problem.

It requires empathy, though. It would require enough empathy to not creep out the young teens. It would require respecting another's humanity, and that does seem to be a challenge for a lot of people.

DashboardMadonna posted 9/4/2019 15:46 PM

DevistatedDee

I also believe there are a couple of men out there that see the sickness. Every man, in my life, has abused me. Unfortunately, I dont see myself ever giving another man the benefit of the doubt, for my own safety. I don't see myself escaping this fate, statistics arent in my favor. No one truly heals from life-long abuse. It's why our abusers continue a life of victimizing others, in some childish attempt at avenging their own childhood. Refusing to realize their irony.

Writersblock122 posted 9/4/2019 16:09 PM

I'm having a really tough time wrapping my head around this whole situation. I have cried non-stop since I found out (when I'm not in semi denial that it happened). I'm also angry that he ruined our M and life together. One minute I had a great life and was in love, then the next minute, my world came crashing down around me. It changes everything, even for my DDs, whom I feel bad for. I did NOT want them to grow up in a broken home like I did. I'll admit I considered suicide yesterday, but then realized how much my kids (and dogs) need me. I know it probably wouldn't matter to my WH. I think he's so narcissistic and wrapped up in his fantasy sex life that he doesn't care. I just want this nightmare to be over with. I love to sleep because I don't have to think about my shitty, fucked up life. The minute I wake up and reality hits me, I'm devastated again.

DevastatedDee posted 9/4/2019 16:40 PM

This is all so fresh for you, Writersblock. I am so so sorry. I remember those times. I struggled with suicidal thoughts too. Fight those. This does get better, I promise you. None of this is fair. It's horrible. You are above this filth and you will rise out of it. I totally know that feeling, though. You were happy and thought you knew what your life was and then it just becomes wreckage and chaos and you don't even know what's real and what isn't. It's madness.

You know the best and worst thing about love? It goes away. With time and distance, it fades. I promise you that too. I loved my XWH so much that it hurt. I knew I had found my person whom I'd grow old with. I was so very happy. That incredibly powerful love that I had for him is gone now. Time and distance and clarity did me the favor of snuffing it out.

Lionne posted 9/4/2019 16:45 PM

Sad, sick stuff. I'm sorry, my sisters-in-arms. No one should have to contend with this.

Related...I'm currently binge watching old tv shows I missed while teaching for 37 years. Nights were for lesson planning and grading, no time for tv. I like mysteries, cop shows. Lasts week I saw an episode of Law and Order, where teenagers were featured having had sex with adults. I don't remember the details, I was horrified at the depiction of these children. The words slut and whore were used repeatedly, the idea being if they were sluts then whatever happened was their fault. It was such a far cry from how things are, and should be dealt with.

We've come a distance but have so much more to repair. I heartily agree with Ashes, and was one of the few people horrified at my grade school students booty shaking during a school wide talent show. I thank God I had boys who regularly were subjected to my preaching about respect for all humans.

Writersblock122 posted 9/4/2019 16:54 PM

Thanks, Dee..I needed to hear that. Your explanation is exactly how I feel. I love (loved?) him so much, it hurts my heart. I know that sounds corny, but I loved him more than I loved anyone else in my life. He was my #1 priority and I could not even imagine cheating on him. It wasn't even a thought in my mind. I consider myself an attractive person (especially for my age) and believe me, I've had TONS of chances to cheat, but didn't. I guess I assumed he felt the same way about me. I thought we had a real life love story that my kids could be proud of. We were still holding hands in public, taking nightly baths together to scrub each other's backs until this happened a few days ago. It's like my life turned into a fucking nightmare that I can't get out of. I hope you are right-that the pain gets better and my love for him decreases as clarity and realization sets in. I hope in six months I wonder why I was so distraught over this. I hope I've moved to a space in my head where I know my life will be okay again.
Does your ex still contact you to try to work it out or has that ship sailed?

ashestophoenix posted 9/4/2019 16:57 PM

Writersblock, you just found out. You are in shock. Can you get away from your husband or have him leave so you can be safe for a period of time? I highly recommend this. I needed time to process the shock.

And, we need support. Marji got support from attending SANON meetings. I got support at first from the partners lessons on Recovery Nation, then reading about SA, then finding a trauma therapist. You will feel better. I promise you. It takes time.

You are innocent. In fact, you, like us, are an innocent victim of abuse. In some states what happened to you is a crime. Further on down the road, you may want to visit an attorney to understand your rights and your situation. But right now, right now is a crisis stage and you need some emotional safety.

The only thing you have to do right now is get some emotional equilibrium and safety. And that took me awhile. Looking back, I wish I had separated. I didn't, so it took me a bit longer.

ashestophoenix

ashestophoenix posted 9/4/2019 17:04 PM

Okay, everyone, I love and care for all of you.

But I'm going to say something that may come off as provocative.

Our stories are all painful. I do see that this addiction progresses, and I don't know if the addicts have some kind of moral "stop" within them. I don't know. I know that they compromise their morals over time.

Some addicts, some of our partners, have engaged in criminal behavior. They have perpetrated sexual crimes. Some have not. I won't go so far and say that fantasies are criminal. I can't do that. I am completely disgusted by my husband's fantasy life. But I do believe he hadn't touched anyone in an inappropriate way. In his case, he's too afraid of intimacy and he lived in fantasy. That doesn't mean he wasn't dangerous. But the level of danger they pose varies.

I don't know if I can say that if they weren't discovered, they'd all progress to even greater crimes. I just don't know if that is true.

None of that absolves them of their abusive addictive behavior. But I can't say that all sex addicts are criminals in development. They are all abusers, in my view. But I want to be careful not to scare some new members of the list nor put those who stay with their partners in a position of feeling like they live with criminals.

ashestophoenix

crazyblindsided posted 9/4/2019 17:35 PM

I think the worst thing about being with my SA WS is that all of his weird sexual proclivities have exacerbated my Childhood Sexual Abuse PTSD. It is no wonder I am so repulsed by him. I see him as sneaky, slimy and sexually disgusting.

I really need to find my strength and get out. This abuse has been going on too long and I'm irrevocably damaged

I used to think it was my fault that I didn't want to have sex everyday. My WS would always mention that there are girls out there that like to have lots of sex After I had my daughter he pressured me to have more sex (we were averaging about 3x a week). He told me if I didn't step it up he saw D in our future. My drive just kept tumbling from there until First D-Day. His excuse for his A's is that we don't have sex

To say that I feel like a sexual reject would be an understatement

Writersblock122 posted 9/4/2019 17:56 PM

Ashes-My WH is travelling for work this week, so I don't have to see or talk to him. In fact, he hasn't tried to contact me since he left earlier this week. I'm sure he's too busy sexting with his social media sluts. It's okay, though, because it gives me the space I need to process all of this. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when he comes home for the weekend. I'm dreading that. We have a mother-in-law suite that I could possibly move to temporarily until he leaves for his next business trip. He'll be travelling the next three weeks/home on weekends. I'm definitely not ready to face him right now. I'm too broken. I also thought about maybe renting a bnb place during the weekends when he is home until we get this all figured out. It's just too much for me to process right now. There are a ton of things to divide and decide. It certainly won't be an easy D if it goes that way. I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all right now.

DashboardMadonna posted 9/4/2019 18:26 PM

Writersblock122

They definately have the ability to make one suicidal, I am right there with you.

Combined with all the child abuse and caregiving for a manipulative mother, I tap out. I am trying to make an escape plan...its a bit flimsy, to say the least.

As I advised another person on another thread, start looking at homes etc....use it as fantasy to get you and your children in line for an escape route. It needs to be there, to give you a sense of security.

Lionne posted 9/4/2019 19:00 PM

My experience may be different. But I've never seen or heard any evidence that any addictive behaviors are normalized by therapists, or by addicts in recovery. It's not normal and that's freely and often verbalize in meetings and I casual conversation. Our labor day picnic was attended by 11 people, 7 of whom are active members of a 12 step group, NA, AA, SA. Once in the while the conversation comes around to "when I was using." Every time it was with regret about time and opportunities lost, damage to friends and relatives at the hand of the addict. But these people aren't wallowing in shame, but acknowledging their dysfunction and very cognizant that they must continue the work in order to stay sober and healthy. There is a great deal of gratitude for the program that allows them to evaluate and monitor their own behavior. Personal responsibility is (one of) the many higher power manifestations they live by.

On the subject of danger to kids...SA doesn't equal pedophilia. No doubt fantasy about younger women is part of the thinking process of many men, largely, I believe, of our sick society that objectifies women. That being said, I'd have to immediately leave a relationship where pictures of me were shared. I'd likewise leave if the addict fantasized about incest. I'd have to protect my kids. BUT that's exactly what I didn't do. Even though I (we) didn't know the details of his secret life, I(we) DID know about the abuse and neglect, and KNEW it was damaging. My kids were subject to his addiction from a very early stage. Addiction is ALWAYS a family disease, it impacts everyone and everything.

I allowed myself to be abused for many reasons, practical and emotional. My kids paid the price. If I'd had a time machine I'd take them and run.

DevastatedDee posted 9/4/2019 19:17 PM

Does your ex still contact you to try to work it out or has that ship sailed?

He has, and you guys know me, lol. He hasn't gotten the responses he was looking for. He called me on our wedding anniversary in June and I told him that this was the best one yet.

DashboardMadonna posted 9/4/2019 21:10 PM

Lionne

Please dont take this as a debate, it isnt and I respect your opinion...you are farther in DD, than I am....I am just rambling hypothetically again, it really isnt pinpointed toward anyone... I just wanted to acknowledge that I read your post. I also agree with you, I would have ran like hell, with my son!

The thing is that we only know based on what they tell us, which is usually lies. When you read the psychology behind their patterns, they troll for a more dangerous high.... how would we ever know where that end is? Is there one? Pedophilia is about power and control, sex addicts are about power, money and control, which is comorbid of their narcissism.

Then there's the subject of what is considered pedophilia, aside from legal. In New Hampshire it is legal for a 13-years-old to marry, with parental consent! That is beyond insane. In saying that, I wonder how long before this country lowers that age back down (I am in cali- this is a possiblity) I haven't any doubt a lot of men would take advantage of that, especially an SA.

I also realize that there is a probable chance he screwed a girl that was under aged, it comes with the territory of trolling prostitutes. The girls I saw were questionably young, with one in particular. They arent asking for IDs, but ironically, some prostitues ask for theirs.

I guess my point is-where do these SAs draw their line? We are talking about people that claim to have no impulse control, have no respect for boundaries or the law. They were always aware of trafficking, but didnt care. That is telling, right there, in terms of how they feel about children.

The trafficing expands into their porn. A lot of porn (porn hub etc) has porn pirated and uploaded from other counties, where trafficking young girls (my husband loved his Asian "spinners"), is the norm, especially the shit coming out of Asia....and there is a HUGE market of very extremely young-looking girls, on there.

Then there is the pathology behind how creepy they are. A lot of them are acting out abuse done to them by adults, as the route of their anger, in terms of "acting out". This abuse trickles down through families, these SAs are their parents, etc...

As far as our young children are concerned; I realize there is a probable chance he was watching porn, in my sons presence, when my son was old enough to realize. I asked him and he thought he caught him...How much could he be repressing? My husband hadnt the opportunity to bring hookers home, but had he, I would be naive to believe he wouldn't. If hes fucking prostitutes, he hasnt any respect for me or his family. Do I believe he would of "acted out", with our son? No, but how many women said the same things, before they found out about their children's abuse? These are very valid reasons to award custody, but I am sure it is over-looked.

Teenage porn is considered pedophilia, while marriage at 13 (16 in a lot of other states), in New Hampshire, is still okay? Where are these lines drawn and why is a 13-year-old allowed to marry?

Then I question how we, as wives are expected to digest this....is it because the SA doesnt have any real idea how old these girls are (and not care), that we are expected to give them a free-pass and just assume they arent under age, because they dont appear to be toddlers.

He is attracted to extremely young-looking girls... predators see young girls are naive, can be easily manipulated and controlled. That is part of the psychology that plays into their trolling young prostitutes, they mirror this ideal for them.

In terms of wives, they see us as motherly, in that we arent as naive and easily manipulated into believing they are wonderful...it is sooo very sick. Please, someone save me from my brain...if I ever get out, I am starting a YT channel/podcast on this crap. "The bullshit ramblings of Dashboard Madonna".

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