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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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secondtime posted 11/4/2019 19:58 PM

Right there with you. I do believe he's working at it. He's 68. He's been doing this stinkin thinkin all his life. We must detach. Reattaching is a pipe dream

We're 44. DDday1 was at 32. I still hope that at some point I can re-attach. Otherwise, there's really no point in being in a relationship with him.

Somber posted 11/5/2019 07:09 AM

I hope you both can re-attach with your spouses too. I really do, it would make all that hard work and struggles worth it in the end. If not, itís just such a lonely life ahead. Some success stories would certainly be welcomed around here.


I feel so lost lately, so lonely, so deeply sad. I think I am over the shock, there has been no more infidelities that I know of but the sadness has deepened. I just donít think I can get over the past, the multiple infidelities, the gaslighting, manipulation, lies, TT, blame shifting and emotional abuse that went with it. I canít accept the double life my WH lived and likely white knuckles to not live it now. I just canít accept it or forgive it. He is not doing the real work either, such as some if your WHs are doing. I just feel like this limbo is slowly destroying me further. And he just planned another trip for our family, he did not ask me first! I also switched shifts with a coworker and work the entire week he had planned. Again could have been avoided if he asked me. This feels so controlling and manipulative. I feel so stuck. Our anniversary trip did not fix our marriage so why the heck is he planning another one. I can bet you he will get the kids so excited about it and I will look like the bad one who canít get the time off, suggests he cancels it...he doesnít know I know about it yet so just feeling super annoyed and have yet to address it and the fact that I wonít be able to go due to work.

veryhurt2018 posted 11/5/2019 14:25 PM

I just donít think I can get over the past, the multiple infidelities, the gaslighting, manipulation, lies, TT, blame shifting and emotional abuse that went with it

Somber - This is exactly how I feel. I'm so sorry you feel this way too. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!

secondtime posted 11/5/2019 15:42 PM

FWIW-
It's actually not the addiction behaviors, per say, that I have the issues with. That, I don't take personally.

It's the slipping without saying anything. My husband's slips were pretty far and few between. He said at first it was like once a year. Then it became twice a year, then once every other month, and eventually once a month. We're talking approximately a progression over 4 years. And, by that point, he still hadn't reached his typical frequency of getting high when DDay 1 hit.

Look, I'll buy that at DDay2, my husband's addiction got to "unmanageable" status, even if again, his frequency was still less than what it had been at DDay1.

But he had three years of full sobriety after DDay1. No porn, no compulsive masturbation. (his MO.)

Do I think he white-knuckled some of it-yes. Now, it's pretty clear he didn't do all the needed work the first time. But, I also think the recovery work had some impact on him, actually.

So. The one thing I would not tolerate is my husband putting his addiction over a marriage with me. A week into DDay1, I asked him to make a choice..me or his addiction. Then his chose me.

I still see the choice as valid, now. It's always the addiction or me.

I absolutely cannot buy that after three years of sobriety, that my husband's addiction was completely unmanageable after one slip in a year's time. Or even two slips in another year's time. That his addiction was so unmanageable that he was unable to communicate that he had slipped in any way to me.

I brought that up to my husband. And he could also not explain how his addiction was unmanageable at the point when he was slipping once a year. My husband chose, absolutely chose his addiction over me. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to come back from that. While my husband doesn't see this as "personal" I absolutely do. These are my terms of the marriage. He had a choice to make decisions by my terms or not. And, well, he chose not to.

I'm not wired to tolerate playing second fiddle to someone's addiction. I wouldn't even date boys that smoked pot in college because I just want nothing to do with the cognitive dissonance that addiction causes.

Now, to be fair to my husband, I did NOT communicate to him that addiction was a dealbreaker prior to our engagement. I didn't think I had to. He rarely drinks and doesn't smoke or do drugs.

So, sure, at DDay1 neither one of us had full information to make informed decisions about who we chose to partner with. We both get a pass. However, after DDay1, I DID provide my husband with some future expectations. I did warn him that I only had one recovery in me. (To include deception for several years)..He also knew that I would understand slips/relapses IF there was open communication about them. These were the terms of staying married to me.

And my husband broke those terms. And I take that personally.

DevastatedDee posted 11/5/2019 16:43 PM

I just donít think I can get over the past, the multiple infidelities, the gaslighting, manipulation, lies, TT, blame shifting and emotional abuse that went with it. I canít accept the double life my WH lived and likely white knuckles to not live it now. I just canít accept it or forgive it.

Somber, who says you should get over any of that and forgive? You can put this heavy load down and stop trying anytime you're ready.

DevastatedDee posted 11/5/2019 16:44 PM

Secondtime, I took it personally too and I don't see a problem with that. It IS personal. You don't trip and fall into full-blown active addiction. You take small steps. They can interrupt themselves in any of those steps and stop it, reach out for help, and heaven forbid, be honest. That is a choice.

Somber posted 11/5/2019 20:23 PM

Veryhurt, Iím sad you feel the same way as well. It is so overwhelming and heartbreaking. I just want the pain to end now and move on...it seems impossible.

DevastatedDee, I deeply appreciate your reminder that I donít have to get over it and forgive. It is so helpful to think, even for a minute, that I can say screw this and separate. It is never that easy, it feels so complicated. But I can daydream it and have a moments peace.

Secondtime,
You have a right to feeling that way. I would take it personal too. You have done an amazing job at setting boundaries and terms! You stuck with them and he didnít! That hurts. Iím sorry that happened. As for him, I believe you are either working on recovery, white knuckling it or working on a relapse. There has to be a choice in there, there has to be accountability and responsibility. At the same time, although we take it personal, I really donít believe it to be personal towards us. I believe it to be personal for themselves as they fight the parts of themselves that they have been at war with. Addiction is such an ugly destructive disease. You have done everything right to set boundaries and expectations. I hope he returns onto the right path!!

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 11/6/2019 12:59 PM

Somber I feel you on being lost and sad. This 2nd D Day seems to have been a delayed hit. Or maybe it's the 2nd D Day that also involved TT followed by several slips that I wasn't told about just culminating together now. I might not be crying like after the first D Day but I feel more destroyed because of the TT. Also doesn't help that his post over in Wayward is trying to paint me as constantly being on my phone which has dropped way down and he couldn't just talk to me about it or like he hasn't spent a half hour going through my phone before.

He is doing work but I feel what I am trying to do for the marriage overall is being ignored and my healing and needing to vent to friends loses my safe space to heal and process (as he compulsively checks my phone anytime its not in my pocket) because heaven forbid I need to process all of this shit with people and not just a journal and beyond a weekly IC meeting. This isn't just normal affair crap, this is dealing with an addict which makes it feel so much more complicated than an already complicated matter. Feels like adding brain surgery while trying to do rocket science at the same time.

DevastatedDee posted 11/6/2019 14:35 PM

This isn't just normal affair crap, this is dealing with an addict which makes it feel so much more complicated than an already complicated matter. Feels like adding brain surgery while trying to do rocket science at the same time.

Preach that. My XWH didn't quite comprehend it when I'd tell him that I was profoundly unqualified to deal with his brand of fucked up.

DevastatedDee posted 11/6/2019 14:36 PM

DevastatedDee, I deeply appreciate your reminder that I donít have to get over it and forgive. It is so helpful to think, even for a minute, that I can say screw this and separate. It is never that easy, it feels so complicated. But I can daydream it and have a moments peace.

I think it helps tremendously to just know that it is a choice. It gives you back some power in your own mind, you know?

DevastatedDee posted 11/6/2019 14:36 PM

double post

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:37 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/6/2019 18:11 PM

My XWH didn't quite comprehend it when I'd tell him that I was profoundly unqualified to deal with his brand of fucked up.
Dee, your X was profoundly unqualified to be married to you. Semantics matter... just thought I would fix that for you

crazyblindsided posted 11/6/2019 18:39 PM

My XWH didn't quite comprehend it when I'd tell him that I was profoundly unqualified to deal with his brand of fucked up.

Amen sister I'm so happy to be out and away from that crap. The thought of having sex with him again makes my stomach turn!

DevastatedDee posted 11/6/2019 20:44 PM

Dee, your X was profoundly unqualified to be married to you. Semantics matter... just thought I would fix that for you

You're right. That is absolutely true.

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 11/7/2019 08:55 AM

Dee I can't properly express what your words have done for me. I feel empowered and back in control of my life. Just know you would have gotten a likely wordy message but I am still a few posts shy to be able to send one but again thank you!

DevastatedDee posted 11/7/2019 11:12 AM

Dee I can't properly express what your words have done for me. I feel empowered and back in control of my life. Just know you would have gotten a likely wordy message but I am still a few posts shy to be able to send one but again thank you!

You have made my day! I just know how awful this is and if there's anything I ever say that helps, that makes me happy.

Somber posted 11/9/2019 23:51 PM

Am I wrong?

I am overwhelmed and depressed I think. I struggle often through the days and fake happiness to others. I feel so much pain that I briefly think I want to die but in no way am I suicidal either...Maybe I am the one with the problem? Maybe I am at fault for things not working out...

This comes from a couple arguments with my WH and he accuses me of not trying for our marriage, not showing him support after coming home from rehab (actually said I did nothing, not even a cake-which is true), not putting in the effort to try and work with him to R. I thought I was trying just by being in the same rooms as him. Clearly that is not enough. He claims he went to rehab, did this did that and I havenít been receptive or shown him anything in return. Maybe he is right. Maybe I havenít, maybe I canít. He explains how itís unfair to the kids to separate just because he is screwed up sexually. He refuses to tell the kids if we separate and says that will be on me and I can tell them that ĎIí want to separate. Because it is not his decision to end the marriage. I tried to explain that it was his decision to end it when he continued with various affairs. He further explains they meant nothing, he was filling a void without thinking there were even consequences. He spoke about one specific affair that started at the same time we were in MC and made the comment Ďwe werenít having sex.í Well no we maybe we werenít because we were in MC trying to overcome my suspicions of infidelities.
Then the abuse came up and he accused me of never asking him about it. He is right, I did not pry for details, I guess it made me uncomfortable and I also wanted to respect his choice to tell me only what he wanted to share. I realize that I have some childhood abuse experiences that I havenít shared with anyone so perhaps my avoiding asking him about his experiences is related to avoiding my own:
But now I feel bad and wrong for not doing more or showing more care, concern and support. Would it have made a difference? I donít know...I feel now as if I have not been supportive enough or done enough. In his opinion he thinks I have shown no support and have done nothing to try to make our marriage work. Maybe he is right.
Then I wonder why do I have to give anything right now? Why am I not good enough right now? Do I need antidepressants? Or is he playing the victim so well I am just an easy target for this emotional rollercoaster?

Didnít know where to post this but I know some of you can relate...

MakeMineReal posted 11/10/2019 02:04 AM

Somber, you mean you didn't welcome him home from rehab with open arms, an 'atta-boy', or even a CAKE?!

He's still looking for accolades because he's so AWESOME (in his own mind), and is making an effort to change. It all sounds like blameshifting and gaslighting to me. It's going to take a lot more visible effort and change, over a long period of time, to prove he's really remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to change, and not just go through the motions. If he were truly in recovery and understood the devastation his actions have caused, he would not expect such fanfare when returning from rehab. Whatever he paid for that was a waste of money, IMO.

Lionne posted 11/10/2019 07:17 AM

That's about as far from sober behavior as one can get. He wants a cake he wants a pat on the back for for being monogamous and faithful. Where's your cake?

He isn't sober he isn't safe and you still need to protect yourself. He's got a hell of a lot of work to do.

Somber posted 11/10/2019 07:33 AM

Yes I didnít welcome home, no balloons, cake, banners or even a card. Was I suppose to? I didnít even want him to come home; I was enjoying the peace while he was away. He is still looking for an award, you are right about that. I think the reward he is mostly looking for is physical connection and sex.

If he were truly in recovery and understood the devastation his actions have caused, he would not expect such fanfare when returning from rehab

This is what I thought but clearly I am wrong. I really feel now that I could and should have done more to show my support and encouragement. At the same time, I am struggling so much to process the SA behaviours that I wasnít in a place to be a cheerleader for him. I donít even want to be around him most of the time let alone applaud him each day for a Day gone sober or without infidelity.

I wasnít overly kind in our argument. I did tell him to get his self centered narcissistic head out of his selfish ass and deal with his problems and maybe then he may notice how supportive I have tried to be considering the mountain of pain he caused
Me. This didnít go over well but who cares.

One minute it felt like he hated me and I wasnít enough and to blame for things, the next minute he hated himself and wanted to die and Would end his life if he had no kids....

So overwhelming to navigate this and know where I fit in it all and what I should have done, should do...
If we separate it is going to be crazy!!!

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