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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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ashestophoenix posted 11/14/2019 07:01 AM

Secondtime, my husband is more reliable than in the past. Much more reliable. Not enough, though. I say out loud to him that I notice and appreciate when he is reliable. But, I will never trust him. Ever. Nor will I fully forgive him.

I know now, that I should never have married him. I know now, that I wish I had divorced him decades ago. But I didn't know that years ago. And life is complicated and messy. What I have done in addition to detaching from my husband and getting individual therapy for myself, is to look at him as a business arrangement. He does things around the house I ask him to do. He really helps with my dogs, one of whom is chronically ill. He is much better at helping his children and grandchildren. The life maintenance work I have to do is much less than in the past. This isn't a happy marriage, but it is working for me now for my current life circumstances.

Dashboard, my husband is "mother enmeshed". Lots of SA's are. My MC suggested this early on and I read Adams books about mother enmeshment. It was a real eye opener. Recovery for these men is not easy. They are lousy partners. If you try to find a partner support group for women married to mother enmeshed men, all you will find is "run". But, it helped me to understand what I was going through learning about this.

Early on post D-day I also went through a phase of wanting to test my husband. So I fantasized about that but didn't do anything. I kept working on focusing on myself and it is such a relief to give that up. The reality is I can evaluate his trustworthiness every day by watching his behaviors. I don't believe my husband looks at porn. I don't believe he fantasizes as much as he used to, but I doubt that it's completely gone. He stares less, but I don't believe that he has completely eliminated that acting out.

But, he's still a little boy. He's more like a nice 12 year old, but he's still not an adult man. He's finally sober enough to get benefit from individual therapy and the trauma specialist he is seeing is really helping him. But, he's got a long, long way to go and it's uncertain to me if he has enough maturity, integrity and strength to continue the journey.

That leaves me where it always does. What is my journey? How do I want to live the best life possible? What do I need to work on?

I took a long "lunch hour" the other day to go to the movies. I had a great time and as I left the theater I realized I hadn't thought about my husband once. I had just enjoyed my day. It's taken me time to get to this point, but this is more and more how I live my life.

ashestophoenix

secondtime posted 11/14/2019 14:28 PM

I have 4 more semesters (4 more classes). I can only do one grad class at a time. Two makes everyone miserable in my family.

When I get funky, I have been asking myself "How does this support what I REALLY need to get done." I'm still going there, but getting out is pretty quick.

Anyway, that question always helps me refocus, not just when dealing with DH, but also work, etc.

DevastatedDee posted 11/14/2019 15:30 PM

Dashboard, my husband is "mother enmeshed". Lots of SA's are. My MC suggested this early on and I read Adams books about mother enmeshment. It was a real eye opener. Recovery for these men is not easy. They are lousy partners. If you try to find a partner support group for women married to mother enmeshed men, all you will find is "run". But, it helped me to understand what I was going through learning about this.

Oh dear. Yeah, that. I remember thinking "isn't it so great that he's so close to his mom?". Boy did I ever misread that dynamic.

Smjsome1 posted 11/14/2019 16:10 PM

Hi guys

Have a thing I canít say to anyone else. One of the early friends I made in this life skipped a few annuals during her early time of finding all this out. She and her SA were well into recovery when I met her. He truly has done the work, and sheís truly forgiven him. He sold his business when they discovered she was ill,so they could focus on her and her last years. They fought the cancer hard.
So she died this week.

Iím so angry sheís dead and heís being sympathized with ďpoor H, she was the love of his lifeĒ
Etc.

He literally had Aís their entire marriage, some with women she went to church with. And she later (long after they married) found out that when she started dating him he was still married to his previous wife, with a kid.

I feel like he killed her and destroyed her life. And yes, once found out he stepped up and went to work. And yes, he mentors many men with SA.

But Iím so angry - and I canít stop crying

[This message edited by Smjsome1 at 4:19 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

marji posted 11/14/2019 17:10 PM

Smj I am so sorry that you have lost your dear friend; I am sorry that you are feeling so angry--Im sure I would feel that way too. Im dealing with all sorts of loss this year --just not of a good friend such as she was to you.

And it must be hard to see the others treating him so tenderly when you know the whole sordid truth. I don't know if it might help in any way, but can you ask or imagine what she would want for him and for you right now?

How long were they married? How long were they together after discovery? You say she had forgiven him; you say he did the work and that he was really there for her during her struggle; do you think maybe with time you might come to share some of her feelings of acceptance?

And crying is good and right and try remember and truly take to heart your friendship and yes, share here on SI as often and much as you like. Here we can speak truthfully.

Smjsome1 posted 11/14/2019 21:58 PM

Marji-
Thank you for your kindness.
No I donít think I can accept, but I donít ever have to see him again She and he went thru a lot to reach forgiveness. Iím pretty sure Iíll never be able to forgive my SA. Acceptance maybe.

crazyblindsided posted 11/15/2019 16:27 PM

(((Smjsome1))) I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear friend.

Lionne posted 11/17/2019 15:10 PM

I'm sorry, SMJ. It's truly a shitshow.

I had a concerning blood test this week, I'm totally overreacting, there is no real reason to be worried until the test is repeated, once a month for three months. It might just be a fluke, a false alarm. But it made me feel the same way you do for your friend, that my life was wasted on someone completely undeserving.

I'm not sure how we cope with this knowledge long term. Ashes has the right idea.

We are vibrant, loving women. It's such a shame our SAWHs didn't deserve us.

Smjsome1 posted 11/18/2019 08:18 AM

Lionne - that sounds terrible - Iím so sorry!- please keep us up to date!

I

20yrsagoBS posted 11/18/2019 13:42 PM

Hugs SMJ

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 1:42 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

secondtime posted 11/18/2019 15:17 PM

Lionne-
Sorry to hear about your blood test. I hope everything turns out OK.

Lionne posted 11/18/2019 16:00 PM

Thanks. I know how this goes, bad test, alarmed doctors, repeat test, normal results. It possibly will interfere with my scheduled MRI on Wednesday.
But my reaction is exaggerated by awareness of my history. Just when my kids are in good places in their lives, something else bites me in the butt. Like, I just wasn't ever meant to be happy.
I'm assuming I will be fine. If not, I'll deal with it.

secondtime posted 11/19/2019 14:14 PM

That's funny. I don't question my happiness..in terms of was I ever meant to be happy.

But, I truly believe that for whatever reason, I'm not meant to experience emotional safety in an appropriate nuclear relationship.

I've shared this with my husband. I'm not meant to have a safe world.

DevastatedDee posted 11/19/2019 15:11 PM

I'm not meant to have a safe world.

If you choose to stay in an unsafe world, you are absolutely correct. That is up to you, though. I'm not saying that you need to leave him. I'm saying if you know that life with him is unsafe and you decide that you might as well stay because it's your destiny, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It doesn't have to be that way, but that's more in your control than you think.

secondtime posted 11/19/2019 19:07 PM

I don't know that leaving will change anything.

It's not a good idea to be vulnerable with my parents. That's regardless of the outcome of my marriage. I have no siblings.

I don't have the time/energy/desire to devote to female friendships so that I can have one that I can be vulnerable in. I'll still have four kids and work a couple of jobs regardless of my marital status. I know some parents are OK with putting themselves first. I'm not OK with telling my kids "Sorry, kids, you need to drop out of activities so that I can get some free time on my hands to meet women and try to nurture friendships."

Part of the shock of DDay1, was not only learning about who I really married, but also who my friends really are. Friends that I thought were "good" friends, as it turns out, were not.

I'm not interested in find a new partner. There's nothing that appeals to me about dating in my 60s/70s. (That's awesome for women who enjoy that).

So, leaving my husband won't automatically lead to a pathway where it's assumed I can enter into a safe relationship.

[This message edited by secondtime at 7:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Lionne posted 11/20/2019 08:59 AM

Dee, you are 1000% right. I know why I'm not pulling the plug.
Age, illness, emmeshed families, and the complications of eradicating 40 years of life.
Roommates seems to be the way to go for me. I don't doubt he'd be with me for medical procedures, although he may very well be surfing for porn while I was dying.
He's an addict. AkA selfish ass.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/20/2019 09:50 AM

I don't doubt he'd be with me for medical procedures, although he may very well be surfing for porn while I was dying.

Damn, this hits way too close to home... unfortunately something we could all probably say about our SAs

Been thinking about you Lionne, are you still able to get your MRI today? How long until you get the test results?

Lionne posted 11/20/2019 15:24 PM

I did, thanks. So far kidney function is only slightly decreased. But I know it can progress quickly, I'll be alert.
I love you guys. You are the only ones I can talk to.

Lionne posted 11/20/2019 19:31 PM

40th anniversary in Sept. Major dday last Dec when I found nasty and explicit porn. Since then, he's been going to extra meetings, has an IC, is regularly discussing with me his "work."

Except the SA behavior hasn't changed. More skin searches but not naked. He justified to himself that it wasn't really porn. He knew I was randomly monitoring his devices. He set me up. I believe he intentionally, although not necessarily consciously. His devices are totally locked down, but I'm unlocking them. I don't want this bizarre parental role.

He's never set up an accountability partner, didn't make any program calls, shit, I don't believe he even told his IC that he was using.

He's never been sober. Just occasional white knuckling and better ways to hide his shit.

I told him tonight to start to separate our accounts, I'd hang in there till after Christmas then I was looking for a new place to live. that may devolve into a roommate situation, I'm allowing myself the freedom to change my mind.

I can get happy about moving. A completely new place, with my cats and far, far away. I'll still have some play money although obviously not as much.

I'm extra focusing on myself. I am a GOOD person. I may not have been the prettiest, and now I'm a big bag of wrinkles, my legs and arms look like the saggy baggy elephant. But I deserved the chance to find someone who would respect me and cherish me. He only cherishes his drug of choice.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. But that appears to be my fate. It's funny, when I was sick as a child, kidney failure then, too, how about that...anyway, I remember being hooked up to a bunch of machines and my mother looking at me and saying "you really make it very hard for anyone to love you." I guess she was right.

All I ever wanted was someone to love me. Not counting my kids. They do. They are great. It's not the same.

My kids (always a source of worry especially DS1) are doing well. I was feeling positive and optimistic about them, their partners, there lives. I was beginning to think of steps we might take to rekindle some kind of sex life. Not now.

FML

Somber posted 11/20/2019 20:23 PM

Ashes,

I know now, that I wish I had divorced him decades ago

I fear this conclusion as well which actually made me take a few days off SI to reflect. Itís discouraging to hear what some of you have been through and the struggles that continue or repeat themselves! My heart breaks for us all. I would hope that many years out you would all be in a better place and have reconnected in a more emotional and personal way. I dread living detached forever...
I suppose if they are doing the work and you feel safe then you can find a way to carry on, even if as a business partner. Keep enjoying your days and putting your needs first!!

((Lionne)) FML for sure! You are heard. You are a good person!

But I deserved the chance to find someone who would respect me and cherish me.

Yes you certainly do!!! You must redefine alone because it sounds like you are kinda alone right now. There are worst things than being alone, such as being with someone and still feeling alone. Perhaps when you are on your own with hobbies and friends you will only feel fulfilled, happy and cherish your alone time. Get happy about a new start, even if it never amounts to you leaving, it could be helpful to determine your needs.

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