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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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DashboardMadonna posted 11/20/2019 22:36 PM

Hey guys...been following. Dont have much to add....depression and anxiety is off the charts.

Hes being served on Friday... I may end up homeless, at that point...alimony and the 401k dont settle until the after the divorce decree is presented... we have to be officially split... just awsome... dont get married kiddies...its still 1855 in terms of the abused caregiving wife. I'm going to dump the remainder of the alcohol down the sink...the harsh reality is going to mean my liver.

Why this type of person's abuse cant be used to to assist me in relocation, is beyond me... it really is sickening...

The state allow in-home seperation (becsuse the cost of living is insane), but that means nothing, when the money comes after the fact. I need at least 6 months consistent alimony payments, in order to qualify for a mortgage. Airbnb with my dog, is about my only option...

Physical violence is about the only thing recognised in the state of ca., the shelters are so full that they are prioritizing women with children...our homeless situation is insane, no doubt there are a lot of victims of abuse living on the street.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 10:53 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

ChoosingHope posted 11/21/2019 00:21 AM

Hi DashboardMadonna,
It must be a little karma that I looked at this board tonight. It's late here and I'm worried because I'm in a war with my NPD SA Sociopath Ex over health insurance premiums, and I posted in the Divorce thread and went to look at replies tonight.

I looked at your recent posts. I used to post here on SI all the time - it helped get me through a very difficult time in my life. I woke up one day and found a rogue email account on my ex's laptop. It was filled with more than 2,000 pages of texts documenting a double life of very reckless and dangerous and violent S&M sex and affairs and more than I can even describe here succinctly. I can't say it was entirely a surprise - that's another long story. But it was bad enough and dangerous enough that I told him to leave our home immediately, after about 15 years of marriage and two little children.

It was the best thing I ever did I my life. (Obviously the worst thing I did was marry him in the first place, and I still spend too much time regretting that.)

I'm writing to you because I've done a lot of work since my separation in 2011, and my divorce in 2015. I've even had to do EMDR to help with my PTSD. What I've learned is that a lot of this sexual addiction behavior stems from personality disorders. (Not all, but often that's the cause.) If it stems from a personality disorder, there is no cure for it. Personality disorders are pretty much uncurable. The SA is not the disease in these cases; it's a symptom.

I'm worried about you and your livelihood, from your last post. Do you have friends and family that can offer you a bed until support kicks in? I know CA is tough right now - is there any way to negotiate something with him that allows you extra money up front to rent for a few months? (((Hugs))

If you can get through this incredibly tough period, things should get better. I'm 8 years post separation and I've never been happier, calmer. or more content in my adult life. Please know that there can be light at the end of this tunnel. Be strong.

DashboardMadonna posted 11/21/2019 02:46 AM

Thank you, choosing.

I am sorry this happened to you. Strangely, you would think my husband was into BDSM, by looking at him...there is no real telling what he is into...he fetishsizes other ethnicities that are not like me at all. In terms my having sex with him, he didnt care for much of anything...pretty boring, honestly.

Ironically your post does give me hope. No, I dont have anyone I can rely on. I had to greyrock my covert mother... I was her caregiver, most of my life...she told me she "didnt want to get in the middle of it", when informed her of what he had been doing... I'm sure she gloats about it and feels I should deal with it, like she (and myself)did my overt father, that died.

I am on the same page, completely. I have a wonderful councelor (first one I have ever liked) whom also agrees to the pathology. I scoff at the sex addict diagnosis, as do the majority of psychologists and it's because it's a comorbid of a larger picture. If I can refuse a bowl of ice cream, then....see where I'm going with this!? Same presumed chemicals...same part of the brain..no dice.

I believe it's a label, used by a lot of "professionals", as means to exploit and further victimize women. We went to two marriage councelors that never once mention that I was being abused, instead they made efforts to sell me the marriage. At that point he admitted to handful of hookers, but councelors know this is never the case and should have adviced me if this, on the occasion when she met with me seperately.

I mentioned the experience I had with these MCs to my current councelor and she agreed and told me how my situation should be approached. I cannot stress again how great she has been...she gives me the validation that I dont receive from my friends and family.


I have known my husband is a covert for a long time and it all came full circle, come DD. I am beginning to think he teeters the line on the others, per the triad. I have seen just a complete dark side of him that is honestly scary.

For me, the worst of it has been the rejection (tying in with childhood)...the entire marriage circled around a madonna-whore complex, where he would withhold with resentment. On the rare occasion he had sex with Guadalupe (see my handle lol) he had a hard time getting up/maintaining the erection. The only time he was excited with me, was when I was black-out drunk and he would get rough, usually from behind...he didnt have to look
At me that way..no intimacy ..sorry for the TMI. He also would look at me with disgust...my self esteem is in the toilet...sadly, I havent a problem attracting men, but it really doesnt matter, with this level of abuse.

My husband then had the audacity to reveal how he came too fast with the whores, due to his excitement.This is his way at explaining his "sexual dysfunction" is to blame...lol okay. He even told me about how he felt he disappointed the last one...lol this is literally how out of touch from reality these characters are...

He must really think that prostitutes want to be with him, that the "porn experience" is real..GOOD GOD, MAN!..I simply replied, while laughing "no bitch, you did her a favor...she collected a the cash with minimal effort, just like she did with the last guy...she has about as much respect for you, as you do her...its your irony, the parallel".

Youu would think I wrote the declaration of independence, that is how clueless this character is to the dynamic of his irony... he exploits abuse victims, with childhoods reminiscent of his...myself included. They havent the capability of introspection...a total lack of insight, which is rooted to the lack of empathy.

While, I could say I fear for my life(as a domestic case), but I dont want do be overly dramatic and he could easily turn this on me... I beat the shit out of him, on DD...if you knew the back story, you would understand why. While I am in no way excusing it, I honestly felt like a deer that had been backed into the corner...the insidious abuse had me snap. It put me back into the place my father had me in and I am still ruminating there.

Thankfully, I have reached a place of indifference, while he continues to trigger the fuck out of me with his going out all weekend (like he always has)... He did this while he was cheating too...while I was in bed with suicidal depression....cant make this shit up. He cant wrap his head around how I cant trust him because of his going out... the depression is even worse and hes the cause of it...as he still goes out...just amazing how lizard-like the robot child is...

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 3:29 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

demolishedinside posted 11/21/2019 11:12 AM

Lionne, Iím so sorry to read what has transpired but hoping you are able to find peace. You are not alone. Really. Feel free to move closer to me and adopt my kids as your grandkids. Weíd love it. ❤️

Dashboard, is Cali the place you want to stay?

I am exhausted lately, as I found a suicide note with a place to find his body. Iíve been having to deal with more than I feel up to. My son defends his dad and takes everything out on me. Iím praying for the ability to save and file soon. I cNt take much more. I need relief.

Thinking of you all.

Smjsome1 posted 11/23/2019 12:09 PM

Lionne - how are you? And you are beautiful, Iíve met you. I honestly see you as dating material. You just donít see yourself the way others do.

DMadonna - our first counselor was a MC who just went straight into the marriage is broken, etc. she told me ďIím the professional he isnít lying to youĒ. Etc. Iím so glad you have found a good counselor.


So much stress - my friends funeral is today - Iím. It going, I got together with friends and had that. Iím just not up for seeing her SA husband at all. My SA is supposed to go

So much more stress-
So Iím having surgery, stemming from my hospital stay caused by a bad reaction to a med they hoped would help with sleeping being an issue caused by the PTSD. It was a year of stumbling thru the dark - which mirrors my recovery from SA betrayal trauma. Long story short they thought my heart stopped and during testing discovered a few nodes in my thyroid. During this last year the main node has grown nearly twice in size. Testing shows no cancer but itís of the type that could be, plus being as early as it was found it is still small, despite growing so rapidly. They are hoping to remove half my thyroid.

Now to add to that - my SA is going thru a thing at work - heís had a long (2 year) battle with the employee health person, needed her to sign off for him to continue having his LE badge. According to him she was asking for stuff he was not required to supply, etc. she agreed and signed off the first year, but this year she wonít - he has been without his badge for 9 months, recently he was up for promotion, lost out because she is still refusing to sign off. And more recently we had a chance to move to PA with a promotion, but she is holding that up as well.
Iíll admit I was dubious and itís still in the back of my mind, thinking he must have done something inappropriate, but the situation now involves the Union, HR, and itís so outrageous - she said she diagnosed him with an aortic aneurysm 9 months ago after a 5 min check over. Without additional testing, without informing him. I cannot tell you the number of times my grandkids have been in the car with him driving!! Plus his job is stressful - how many people has she endangered, if heíd really had one. He doesnít.
Iíve read all the paperwork, this woman is truly messing up our life. Which is causing additional stress, causing problems for our entire family. PA wanted us there Nov 10, so all plans have been put on hold - which effects everyone. And he may need to go to PA while Iím here recovering from surgery - I finally have an amazing DR and donít want to start over that process.
So far heís been very calm about it,. This all began at the same exact time his SA was discovered and his attitude and entitlement was at an all time high at that time. I canít help wondering if he was an ass to her, and she was angry, the problem being, she has broken several laws and now has painted herself into a corner and to sign off now would admit sheís wrong. The paperwork is literally sitting in her office and she will not respond to any requests from anyone.

Iím continuing my EMDR,, etc, while waiting, and plus side, not at all worried about the surgery, cancer, due to work and moving stress. Our year lease ran out and we were worried but just moved to month to month.

Lionne posted 11/23/2019 15:13 PM

SMJ, thanks...I'd never date again, fool me once...

I'm game to come to you while you recuperate!

Can your husband take legal action? Shit. I detest incompetent people and hate dishonesty.

You sure don't need this crap.

[This message edited by Lionne at 5:06 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Smjsome1 posted 11/23/2019 23:19 PM

L - itís all being documented. The union suggests we get through this first, weíve decided if itís not resolved by the Monday after thanksgiving we will hire a lawyer.

Is it wrong I hope they keep me in hospital ? It would be a vacation !!

Lionne posted 11/24/2019 01:11 AM

So, I had a PM exchange with another SI BS whose husband was also persistent in his use of porn. She is reconciling in spite is the fact that he's had slips and relapses with porn. Her bottom line, as was mine, was any contact with RL women, inappropriate contact. She made a statement that he had changed in so many ways, was conscientious about trying every day to make it up to her, attentive and loving.†

That describes my H too. He isn't doing anything in real life, is very patient as I'm not the nicest person to live with, backrubs without letching, running errands, cleaning up, etc. I remarked to him that this recent discovery made me feel like I was a non entity, that he just didn't ever think of me and my trauma. He said quietly, "I do in all the other things.?"

And that's true. He went and got a non internet phone, that's a huge concession for him, has stopped being addicted to technology, unlike me, but my biggest vice is playing mindless games.

My IC talks about compromise in long marriages. We tolerate things we thought we'd never, snoring, being fatter, telling the same story over and over. Is my compromise to accept that he will have slips and I need to not take it personally?
I'd love your thoughts.

demolishedinside posted 11/24/2019 04:36 AM

Well, mine does in all the other things, too. He runs the kids, helps with homework. He does laundry and runs errands.

For him, that slip is a sign heís talking to
Women at work, Facebook or wherever as well. That external validation is too strong of a pull. Heís already told the ladies at work that ďitís complicated ď when they asked if he was married. That says it all really. For him, the porn is part of the slippery slope. For me, I simply detest all that porn is and stands for. I hated it when we got together 25 years ago. He knew that. It was absolutely a rejection of me and my feelings and I should have left then. He hid it very well after we moved in together. I had NO idea. None. So I guess Iím saying that for my own peace ( that I so desperately need after years of this), I simply cannot call it just a slip anymore. Sure, he does those other things, but it all hurts me and Iím not policing him anymore. In fact, Iím sad that he chooses these fake interactions over what I believed was a happy life. How a person can throw away a marriage of 20 years and a decent financial life with three beautiful kids for a parking lot bj is beyond me.

So I understand the desire to stay with someone who ďjustĒ uses porn. I do. Divorce is hard at any point. I just know that I canít settle anymore. I canít ignore what has happened or is happening. I want a true relationship or none at all. For 3 years, he did group therapy and weekly IC, only to cheat again. Iím not willing to risk my healthóphysical or emotionaló anymore for someone who is choosing not to change.

Somber posted 11/24/2019 06:19 AM

Smjsome,
I have had 2 friends who have had half of their thyroid removed this past year! One of them had lymph nodes removed as well. They recovered extremely well. Your going to as well. All the additional stress does not help thatís for sure. Keep us posted.

Lionne....You asked for thoughts so here is mine: First, I donít want to minimize anyoneís experience but with what I have been through, I wish my husband was just addicted to porn. It would make trying to reconcile an easier option for me. Yes I suppose it can be seen as a slippery slope but with all the years in, if it has just been porn perhaps he does have morals in there and hasnít crossed the boundary with PAís, etc. Is that a risk, yes of course it is! Is it more a risk than someone without a porn addiction, maybe...I donít know. Bottom line, you do need to be cherished, loved, cared for and feel comfortable in your marriage. If you arenít then it will be a life long struggle to stay together. How you feel is important. No you do not need to accept that he will have slips! You do not need to accept that behaviour. You have a right to your boundaries and he should respect them and continue to do the hard work to manage his addiction. Living with porn addiction isnít the same as listening to the same stories over and over or tolerating snoring or weight gain, etc. It isnít grouped in the same column as the regular things people come to tolerate in a marriage. It destroys intimacy too and objectifies women...

As for me, well my SA who claims I can trust him and give him
another chance and is starting a SA program that never seems to start...has a new prescription for Cialis that I found on Tuesday. As of yesterday one has already been used and we certainly have not been intimate!!! I canít handle more of this level of betrayal!!! Itís destroying me. I quit in my mind and heart. I just donít know how to leave, share time with my kids, etc. I have started to see a trauma therapist who is also a divorced spouse of a SA. Iíve only been once but she has recognized that behind my smile (surprisingly Iím always smiling btw) is tremendous pain. She recognized that I do an incredible job at compartmentalizing and smile to cover up and avoid the pain. She plans to help me deal with the pain as I feel comfortable to let it out. Iíve not cried once in all this, itís like I am in a constant state of shock and disbelief. When I start to feel the pain, I immediately distract myself or pinch myself until it gets pushed away. It scares me, it hurts so bad. My cousin (one of my WH sexual texting partners) has messaged me about Christmas. We always spend holidays together but even that is ruined. The trickle effect of his behaviour has made family gatherings awkward ( I avoid them now), makes picking up my kids from school awkward ( I see one of 2 affair partners usually), makes going for a neighborhood walk awkward ( I pass 2-3 houses with women who have in some way been in contact with my spouse sexually whether messages or actual PA).
I just canít handle living in constant pain, triggers, mental movies, reminders...all while he pretends to love me and push for me to not break our family apart because he is messed up.
I am venting now, I see that, but my goodness, I am done! I have met my limit over and over again. I canít possibly handle another slip up so to say. Iím already broken.

[This message edited by Somber at 6:56 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

delilah2016 posted 11/24/2019 07:46 AM

Lionne,

He isn't doing anything in real life, is very patient as I'm not the nicest person to live with, backrubs without letching, running errands, cleaning up, etc.

My IC talks about compromise in long marriages. We tolerate things we thought we'd never, snoring, being fatter, telling the same story over and over. Is my compromise to accept that he will have slips and I need to not take it personally?
I'd love your thoughts.

I am right there with you. My husband is just as you describe except mine rubs my feet almost every day.

Through all of this, I have realized how messed up I am too. How else could I have accepted the intimacy anorexia and covert narcissism for 28 years before Dday #2. Yes, I would call him out and I was never silent about any of it, but I never set any boundaries and he never had any consequences for how he treated me.

I also have no desire to ever do this again....My husband is so "nice". He has always been the nicer, friendlier of us...how would I ever trust a nice guy again. We have a good life, nice home, vacations.....although I suspect he is viewing some porn again, I refuse to monitor him. And truly, I can't monitor him anyway, he has a work computer that I have no access, so I don't even try with this other electronics. He is truly a different person toward me and I just go with that.

I have been working hard on overcoming my codependency and betrayal trauma. Both of those issues started long before I met him and his actions just reinforced for me that I wasn't worthy or enough.....

I saw a quote on facebook not too long ago and it's on my vision board. "My goal for 2020 is just to fall back in love with myself, with life, with the world again". I have isolated myself more and more over the past 4 years to the point that now my only real outside contact is at work. We don't live near any family and both of my kids moved out of state, so I am alone here with him.

I'm right there with you that as long as he doesn't act out IRL, for now at least, I'm ok. I guess I would add that if he went back to his covert narc ways, that would make me think again about staying.

Superesse posted 11/24/2019 09:30 AM

Brinksmanship is an old term my father used to describe military and political realities, but it sure seems to apply to life with a SA. I just did a Google search on that term, to confirm what I understood it to mean, and found that indeed, brinksmanship means "the art or practice of pursuing a dangerous policy to the limits of safety before stopping...." but a better definition for our purposes is "When you're on the brink of something, you're right on the edge."

Both my first marriage and this one have been wrecked by infidelity, and it is no coincidence that both men had a thing for sneaking looks at inappropriate material. I learned this about my SAWH within a year and a half of our marriage. He had hidden that well, for over 5 years - I had never spotted so much as a girlie calendar in his shop....and I'd checked. He hid it too well.

Which is why I have come to realize just how little safety there is for us BS, with that kind of behavior going on. We have to realize that so long as we think we can tolerate any lust directed at other people's bodily images, our betrayal wounds won't be healed: they will remain easily inflamed by the next example of them wanting something else.

I know I cannot peacefully accept that possibility, after all the betrayal already, so my hard-won boundary about further "slips" I might tolerate is: "zero." As soon as I found the courage to realize that posture is my place of no surrender, I found inner calm. He knows that his next slip into any lustfulness or deceitful concealment means I will get a suitcase out for his immediate use and his butt will be heading out the door that same hour. It still isn't a great way to live, and I wouldn't call it any kind of marriage, but this compromise is the only way I will allow him to continue cohabiting here, even as my roommate. He may not change a life-long way of looking at sex, but he just won't be staying in my house any longer; it is his choice, now.

Be strong, value your own health. Hugs to all!

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:12 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

marji posted 11/24/2019 11:00 AM

Lionne While I think it might be glib to compare snoring, putting on weight, baldness, etc with sexual betrayal of any kind, perhaps wisdom sometimes suggests some of us just have to work harder than others, the unbetrayed, to decide what's better for us--to stay or not to stay and we have to continually make that assessment.

So, if continuing to be with them makes our life better overall despite the dark and ugly parts, then so be it. Some partners decide not to stay in the same bedroom with the snorer but they're not inclined to live in separate homes. So, may the betrayal-of whatever kind-means we might make certain life-style choices-but decide that overall, our lives are better, at least for now, by continuing to live together.

The only rule that matters if the one that makes our lives better. Goodness knows, if any partners deserve to be thinking just about ourselves and our well being it's us.

So, bottom line, your compromise is the right one if it works for you, if your overall life is better for your decision.

And about taking it personally-well, I think it's a rare partner who is not going to take it personally--snoring, baldness, fatness, illness-don't require such a disconnect which might take an awful lot of psychic energy to achieve. So maybe it's too much of a burden to try and better to put the energy into living each day to the max, enjoying as much of each day as possible; appreciating all there is to appreciate and if that includes back rubs, patience, kindness, daily help with errands, willingness to change, to do all possible to avoid the slips, if that includes companionship and a sharing of family and friends and a solid commitment to be there for you then maybe that is worth a compromise.

What do you think?

Smjsome1 posted 11/24/2019 13:49 PM

Lionne -


As usual Marji said it -

ďThe only rule that matters if the one that makes our lives better. Goodness knows, if any partners deserve to be thinking just about ourselves and our well being it's us.

So, bottom line, your compromise is the right one if it works for you, if your overall life is better for your decision.Ē

Another thought - in my group there are porn only, PA, online , etc, and all kinds of combination betrayals. Recently a porn only BS said she felt bad because ďitís not as badĒ. Our counselor said to her ďarguably online and porn are the harder to recover fromĒ
Itís a much slippery slope, easier to say ďIíll just look at this ad, Iíll just look at this magazine, this catalogĒ.
Like - Iíll just eat this one chip ...

A PA or online A takes more deliberate behavior and cooperation from another (whore) -so SA actually have to really know (or mind gymnastics) what SA is doing. Which means more opportunities to see themselves and pull back.

I know your SA had PAís - not saying he isnít or wonít, I know I never will believe mine wonít again. One of our groups SA was using her online log in on a buying site to look at lingerie ads. It tore her up.

Iím just saying to you what youíve said to me - only you can decide when you are done, you do what you need to do to feel safe.

My only worry is the same as I have for myself - is this too hard on you? The times you have discovered slips your pain is just so strong, it radiates off the page. I worry about the range this life has on you, worry about the special person you are silently losing yourself.
Consider a temporary separation? do a 3-6 month separation - decide which of you moves out - not in the same home? Not so he learns what life is like without you - but to see how you being on your own would feel?
The times this life has gotten too heavy Iíve left - and each time Iíve been able to have a good time, but I missed him and us. Luckily he supports those times and continues working on himself.

Smjsome1 posted 11/24/2019 13:59 PM

Somber -

Thank you !! hearing success stories - just makes me feel even better!
In my group a lady had hers out recently, and another BS of an SA I know needed here out completely - Iím starting to think there is a connection!

Iím actually not worried at all - and pre DD I was so afraid of hospitals and DRs and such Iíd have to be drugged just for an appt. our ins actually pays for a bed for my SA to be ďadmittedĒ to share a room with me.
The ďheart stoppingĒ hospital stay was no big deal. This SA thing is so bad that ďonce the worst thing ever has happenedĒ nothing else scares me

Also, Iíve been misdiagnosed with cancer - told them ďIíd feel it if I had cancerĒ. It wasnít cancer
And years later I asked my dr about two spots, he said they were freckles, but these other two spots are cancer. I said - no- letís bet. His werenít, mine were.
And my son had a freckle at 8, I said I need that removed, he said no, but with your history - it was a melanoma. Very early!

So I honestly donít feel like this will be cancer - if nothing else DD and SA have taught me to trust my gut

ashestophoenix posted 11/24/2019 18:24 PM

SMJsome, good luck with this medical work. I'm on the same path with growing thyroid nodules.

Lionne, I think Marji gave wise advise. I hear your conflict: it is uncomfortable and scary having our partners look at ANY porn, and it's also uncomfortable and scary to finally file for divorce and go through all that disruption at our age. So, sadly, it feels like all our options suck.

I still see the problem with your husband, as well as mine, as being WAY too self centered and not caring enough about our well being. It's not enough to say "look how much I'm doing...what's wrong with a little porn." What's wrong is that is addict thinking. And that is not good. Your husband needs to get this. It isn't good for him and he knows it. Just as porn would be a relapse, not a slip, for my husband. Their slips are staring too long at the "weather girl", or the magazine ad, or the young woman on the street. One second is all my husband needs to burn in the image of a woman/girl to jerk off to later. It's not healthy. It's objectification. It's using immature fantasy/masturbation to deal with their emotions. And, good grief, both of our husband's are seniors.

So, he needs to get this, is my view. I don't think he will listen just to you. And your MC needs to get this loud and clear. It is NOT unreasonable to have a porn free husband. Tell him that is how he can make amends to you and to every woman he's objectified.

In the meantime, keep working on how much you want to tolerate. Keep finding ways to feel better about yourself and your life. You've got to get through this medical situation and that is stressful.

You are being very reasonable. Your needs are not being met. You are not being heard. You have a right to say all of this. Our husbands will do what they will do, but we need to say all of this.

With deep compassion,
ashestophoenix

Lionne posted 11/24/2019 21:23 PM

Love and Hugs to all of you. I'm serious when I say this is the only place where I feel heard and loved and supported. Words of wisdom in waves.

Right. He "hears" the wrongness, recognizes the slippery slope, but apparently not before he chose to search for "bikini bridge." Don't. It's not awful but we need no more mind pictures.

He says all the right things. Heard horrible stories at his meeting about the things he stands to lose. I believe he is sincere. Until he slips. It's insanity that he does this, I guess that's the addiction.

I'll go back to my usual preaching. Self care. I started working with a trainer, it's hard but it's good. I've lost the few pounds I was aiming for and my clothes fit me again.

Demolished, if I do move out, I'm heading to Dallas. Not my favorite place, but it has two of my favorite people. I found a new volunteering opportunity and spend the day with a sweet stray elder cat who needs a home. The health things will sort themselves out but it will take time. I'm over that anxiety, it will be what it is.

Dash...hope you are okay. I want you to know that I read all your stories. Even if I'm not psychically able to respond, I add you by name to the list of people I hold in the LIGHT, a Quaker tradition that I find comforting.

Thank you thank you thank you...

Lionne posted 11/24/2019 22:07 PM

Edited to add. I feel guilty. We don't have sex at this point. Our sex life was always complicated, he just didn't want to hear any "ideas" disparaged me when I expressed interest in exploring. Later, I did turn him down, simply too tired being a single parent of two sickly and difficult kids. THAT I don't feel guilty about.

But I do now. I think I wouldn't mind if he masturbated.

I hate porn. Always have. Had two cousins who were strippers. Neither was "working their way through college." Both were abused.

I was an advocate for women's rights from the beginning. The objectifying of people in porn, in Victoria's secret commercials, in show business, etc. is appalling.

Sex between two people who care about one another is great. I think. I don't think I remember.

But he isn't a safe partner right now.

Superesse posted 11/25/2019 09:13 AM

Lionne, I hear what you are saying about that sort of "guilty feeling" regarding sex. I used to get that sort of guilt trip laid on me by my brothers and my father after D-Day 1, when I'd hear questions like "If you won't ever have sex with him again, what else is he going to do?" As though he'd die a horrible death or something...My late mother used to preach to me that 'you have to keep a man happy if you don't want him wandering...'

Except that didn't work like that, with both my late sister's and my SAWH! Everything I'd been taught about this went right out the window. Seems to me the more sex a SA gets at home, the more they want to act OUT to "escape," which is the exact opposite of what the old folk wisdom would have us thinking.

Mine cheated on me with a prostitute 18 hours after we had sex before he left for a business trip. He had been telling me for over a year that he thought his sex drive was dropping off - later on, I figured out why that might have been. When I told my divorced sister about the twice-in-the-same-day sex, she said "Par for the course...mine did me the same way, many times. That's how I got an STD." (She had a "bad Pap" and my gynecologist told me it quite possibly had led to her mysterious, rare, fatal squamous cell cancer at age 53.)

So I wouldn't feel too badly about a SA "missing it." If he wants to fix his issues, then he needs to fix his issues. First.

DevastatedDee posted 11/25/2019 11:42 AM

When my XWH and I got together, porn wasn't a big deal to me at all because hey, I watched porn too. It was years later that I discovered that my watching porn was not the same as his watching porn. Like an alcoholic with a beer, it isn't the same. It's like saying "No big deal, he isn't drinking 5ths of liquor and beating me every night, it was just a beer." Knowing that at some point, it likely won't be "just a beer". He'll be back to knocking back shots and beating your ass.

Because it is the same thing, to me. Knowing that any day, this man could sleep with someone and bring home heartwrenching betrayal and STDs is worse, actually, than worrying that he'll start drinking full-on again and start whooping my ass.

The difference is that if your man is whooping your ass, you get support and no one tells you "Your boundaries are up to you and if you're happier with him than without him, by all means here are tools to cope". If he's out getting parking lot BJs or massage parlor sex or banging the chick at work who sleeps with everyone else or dialing up a prostitute, it's all "It's okay to stay, no judgment, you can still find happiness".

All that is not to say that you should all leave today. It's just to say that what you are dealing with is at least as bad as dealing with a man who will punch you in the face. STDs can kill too. Stress and heartbreak slowly kill you. It is that big of a deal if an addict is watching porn/drinking that one beer.

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