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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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aussiemel posted 7/11/2020 17:59 PM

They are all fucked up and I wonder now, what is normal?

When my STBXSAH and I first moved in together, there was sex every night. But that only lasted for a few months. I remember that Christmas was coming around and I wondered why he didn't want me anymore? Every time I tried to initiate, he would push me away with excuses about being tired or overworked.
So I decided to buy some massage oils, handcuffs, blindfold etc to try to spice things up. I handed the presents to him on Christmas day and you should have seen the look of horror when he opened the presents.
In hindsight, I'm sure he thought I had discovered who he really was.
He pretended to me that these things were disgusting and he would never use them. He made me feel like I was a whore for simply trying to get him interested.

I'll never forget those feelings. But the worst part is that I stuck around for another 10 years and there were so many more red flags that I didn't see at the time.

I don't think I can ever trust anyone enough to let them into my bedroom again. There will be too many triggers, too many flashbacks. It's overwhelming even thinking about it.

DevastatedDee posted 7/11/2020 18:36 PM

I refuse to let fucked up men take sex away from me. That's my personal mantra. The main thing taking sex away from me right now is me just not wanting to deal with other people yet (well, and COVID). I think I absolutely needed to have that ONS after I left my XWH for so many reasons beyond just the fact that he was hot and I like sex. I had sex with a "normal" person. My XWH was more like yours, aussiemel. I was the "freak" trying to spice things up and he was holding back. The ONS was two people who wanted each other just enjoying each other with no qualms or expectations. Simple, but freeing. I needed to feel like I was attractive again. I needed to have sex for the sake of sex without emotional entanglements or worrying what someone thought. If not for COVID, I may have been ready for at least that this summer. Relationships though? Ugh, sounds so exhausting, lol. There is SO much drama being with an addict that I swear people need a couple of years off to just worry about themselves afterwards.

crazyblindsided posted 7/16/2020 11:34 AM

Well not doing so hot today. My STBX is busy rewriting our sexual history to suit his agenda and let me know that the reason he was not being very nice to me after False R was because of the lack of sex and that he needed to 'feel like a man' whatever that means One thing I really struggle with is my sexual identity and feeling like I'm broken goods. I don't even know if I enjoy sex anymore or if I just didn't enjoy it with STBX. I always felt objectified but yet would force myself to get through it so he would not cheat on me... well that didn't work out.

I am taking this personally and I don't know why. I was already damaged from childhood sexual abuse and now this just had to write it out and get it out of my head.

aussiemel posted 7/16/2020 18:57 PM

OMG Crazy, this

False R was because of the lack of sex

is the reason my STBX went to a prostitute during covid lockdown - because I didn't want sex with him

I feel exactly the same as you re.sex. I don't know if I hate it full stop, or I just hate it with him. I have continually been made to feel like an object. Right before the most recent dday, he would come up behind me when I was doing the dishes and grab me on the butt or the boob then try to rub himself on me. Yuck, just yuck.

I'm sure that there are some normal guys out there, Dee was lucky to find one. I don't know if I could bring myself to even try it again. It's depressing....

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/17/2020 00:57 AM

Ugh ladies, I'm sorry you're in the position to even be questioning your sexuality at all!

I too got the "you weren't having sex with me, what did you expect to happen?" excuse. Hmm, funny, I thought you would keep your wedding vows, but I guess I was wrong.

I will say this. After discovering the masturbation addiction, the underwear, cock rings etc., my sex drive was all over the place. At first I feel like there was some HB. A misguided attempt to prove that he didn't need all of that, I guess. But as it kept happening and there was relapse upon relapse, my sex drive plummeted.

It was like each new incident poked a hole in the container that held my sexuality, and with discovery after discovery, it eventually all drained out.

I don't even deny it, we were not having sex very frequently at all. There was a little bit of gaslighting on his part too. He would guilt me by saying we hadn't had sex in X amount of time, and because I wasn't keeping track of it I would believe him. Then I started to actually keep track and mark it in my calendar, and it became apparent that he was either deliberately lying to manipulate me, or he was so delusional about how much and how frequently he "needed" it that it was never enough anyway.

So yeah, we weren't having sex very much. More than he claimed we did, but not nearly as much as we did pre-discovery, and not nearly as much as he would like. Doesn't matter though. It was all due to his actions - I mean seriously, to quote him, what the hell did he expect?

I did start getting back into it again once he got the vasectomy reversed and we were trying to get pregnant. Because I finally felt safe and understood and like he truly cared and was actually going to go through with it finally. I trusted him again because he had kept to his word. But then he started telling me how much pressure I was putting on him. Anytime I expressed excitement about anything pregnancy or baby related he would say "you just can't leave it alone can you?" He actually called me a dog in heat once.

I felt completely and utterly broken towards the end. Sex was of no interest to me. For a long time after DDay and moving out, even putting a tampon in triggered the hell out of me. I cried during my pap smear. The thought of being sexual with someone again repulsed me. If I thought about it in too much detail I would dry heave.

BUT I'm here to tell you ladies that my sex drive has returned! I would say it came back after approximately a year of no contact and a lot of therapy. Very slowly at first. And it did freak me out, because I would have sex dreams, and they would be about him. Not about any of the abusive stuff, only the good stuff, but still. It was very jarring to wake up after seeing his face in my head.

Now that I am about a year and 8 months out, it's pretty regular again. Lines up with my ovulation like it always has, so I can prepare myself for the weird sex dreams about him. I could even potentially see myself having sex with someone. But honestly, if/when we ever get out of all of this pandemic crap, it would likely just be a hook up. A well vetted person to make sure it's not some psycho, but a hook up nonetheless. I just have no energy whatsoever to devote to a relationship of any kind. I have no interest in what music or movies you like, just throw something on in the background and let's get down to business. I don't want to know how work was, I don't want to hear about your parents or your friends. I certainly don't want to know anything about your hopes or dreams, childhood memories etc. I don't even want to know your middle name. At this point I just want a clean criminal record and proof of your most recent STD test.

Since I know that level of detachment isn't healthy, I'll stick to myself for now.

I was just talking to a friend yesterday and I said You know what? I actually understand being a cat lady now. I never planned to have 5 cats. In fact, if you had asked me when we first started dating, I would have said over my dead body to even one! But we gained this little tribe of kitties over the years, and when my XH showed me who he really was - the kind of man who would abandon cats in an alley because he didn't want them anymore - I was there to take over.

When I'm laying in bed reading, or watching an awesome new show, or listening to a great podcast, and one of the cats comes up to cuddle with me, I am at complete peace. I know I'm not going to find a random piece of my torn up underwear underneath the pillow next to me. If I fall asleep with a book in my hand, I'm not going to wake up at 3am because he's decided it's a good idea to put his dick between my butt cheeks and rub his hands all over me. These little weirdos love me so much. Even the ones who were technically the girls' cats, or my XH's. They have slowly come around. It makes me smile so big when the ones who previously hid from me due to my association with XH now come and lay on top of me when I'm watching TV. Any pet owner knows, animals only lie belly up when they are super comfortable around people, because it is a weak/vulnerable position. I nearly cried the other day when I walked into my room and 3 of them were laying on my bed belly up! It's like night and day watching them now vs. living in that house with the mad man.

My brothers warned me against taking in the cats when he abandoned them. Said I'll never have another date again, I'll just be the crazy cat lady. Well at this point, I say GOOD! The kind of guy who would take issue with me taking in these defenseless animals when my X decided to discard them is not the type of guy for me. Let the cats weed out the assholes for me! I'm just going to lean in to being a cat lady, and if the right guy comes along who wants to join in that journey, cool. Otherwise, fuck it!

I have these images to share with you ladies:


crazyblindsided posted 7/18/2020 13:15 PM

HeHadADoubleLife oh thank you your post gives me hope and that what I am feeling is normal. I have 2 kitties and they give me all the affection I need

Those memes though

Shockt posted 7/21/2020 22:22 PM

No clue where to post my update since I'm neither
'just found out" nor "reconciliation" - but I'm definitely the partner of a sex addict. So here I am. Not sure what help I'm looking for, perhaps just the need to share current feelings. My wretched dday story is found under JFA Shockt "Who Is this Man?" Anyway I discovered that my husband of 20 years had been cybersexting over the last two years and spent $60,000 of his own money(thank god) in the process.

We are coming on to 3 months out from dday He moved to another state about a week after dday.
In the first week or so after moving he sent me my requested apology letter and financial accounting All very articulate of course, because that's him. I did not reply at all for some time, which caused him to email me and make plain that he wanted to reconcile, took full responsibility for his behavior etc. He has acquired an IC in his new location, and on IC's rec, has called into SA meetings. I've been talking to my own IC here.

We only communicate via email. Seems to give us both more space to express - and we're both better writers than talkers. He says all the right things. I respond, depending on the moment, either minimally, angrily, or noncommittedly. Most recently I made him respond to a friend's request of "how are you guys doing?" Where possible I want him to be the person to tell people we are separated and why. He did that, after volunteering what he planned to say- taking responsibility for the separation but not giving gory details. I don't ask him about what he is doing and he doesn't ask me. His retired mo before separation was some biking, working in garden, doing most of the housebhold chores, and reading (oh yeah, as it turns out sexting)
In his new location, to my knowledge, he has
his bike, his laptop, and his ruminations.

I'm doing ok. I have great friend and family support and a good IC. (Though I must admit the friend and family support are starting to feel a little smothering - can't stand idea that I'm a wounded person who needs to be cared for - supportive and wonderful as they all are.) Anyone else have that feeling.=? Even the woman who does cleaning for us called to tell me not to take him back 0nce she heard from her employees that something was missing at our house..... (we've known her for years and were godparents to one of her kids)

Mostly I'm feeling like I'd just prefer to be left alone at the moment. I teach a class online in the eves 5 nights a week and have lots to do for prep. And I'm now stuck with all the household chores that WH used to do! lol. I took myself on a 2 night road trip last week on a work break - to a nice waterfront town that was so very peaceful. Walked around town, took long bike ride, had some nice dinners...

I'm just riding the rollercoaster. One day reading in the Reconciliation forum of SI - feeling like I just so want to rebuild the marraige and the next day wondering how/why I would ever consider such a thing given the heinous mind blowing behavior WH decided to do to blow up our marriage.

Though my ugly new reality is the first thing that crosses my mind every am when I wake up, I still can't quite believe that this has happened.

You could say it helps that I'm 70 with a single long ago divorce already under my belt and the wider perspective of one who's been around for awhile. I don't have nonadult children to worry about. And I'm financially secure. Why not just divorce and be done with it? Especially given the horrendous relapse rate that I read about here on SI. I guess because I still love him. I don't "need" him for the final decade of my life, but guess overall I do mostly, at this moment anyway, still "want" him as my lifelong companion.

So - just bumbling along, feeling what there is to feel, and hoping that will lead me to a decision. Though meanwhile "time's a wastin"

jeanninep4 posted 7/25/2020 10:15 AM

So Iím new here. I kicked my husband of 28.5yrs out on July 2nd. He spent over $20,000 in 3 months. Thatís how I finally caught him. Years of lies of my card was hacked, I didnít spend that money and other stuff. I thought it was gambling till my sons and I pushed hard to see the iPad. Finally he cried and said Iím addicted. The jerk was sexting while I was I. The room and working my butt off.
Iím humiliated, angry, hurt, disgusted and just grossed out. Somehow vita my fault. He even did it 25 yrs ago while I was going thru infertility treatments.
Iím not making any rash decisions but I know Iím my gut weíre done. I canít be near him as I physically get sick. The thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl.
Have any of you felt this way?

DevastatedDee posted 7/25/2020 11:42 AM

Yep. I could never see him the same way again (thank goodness). Done. I didn't take being made an ass of very well.

aussiemel posted 7/25/2020 21:44 PM

I have actually gone so far as to deliberately put weight on during lockdown so that he won't try to touch me....

I'm trapped here until I can save enough money to leave and until lockdown ends.
Now I'm stashing money whenever I can, he spent more than $50,000 on prostitutes (that I know of), so I'll take more than my share now. F*** Him

MakeMineReal posted 7/27/2020 14:02 PM

Absolutely. From the moment I started finding out what he'd been doing - for our entire 31-year relationship, 26 years of that married - I could not look at him without feeling repulsion.

This 'man' had been screwing anything that would let him, was looking into other hotel windows from our room when we traveled, had been secretly taking porno photos and video of me and us and frequenting websites where those things could be posted anonymously, was making women feel sorry for him by telling them his sex life at home was lacking and 'vanilla', and told women and a counselor I dragged him to (because I suspected he'd had an affair...) that I was crazy and imagining things. He was technically correct - he had not had "an" affair, meaning singular - he'd had so many he couldn't remember all of them.

Then he had the f'ing audacity to continually ask if he could give me a hug, because he "missed me". Until I screamed at him that he was never touching me again.

I knew from the very beginning that I would never be able to trust him, would never feel safe with him, and could never shut my eyes next to him again. EVER. When I finally got over the shock enough to file for divorce, he turned on me.

somer222 posted 7/28/2020 13:57 PM

Hi Ladies,

I haven't posted here in ages. I legally terminated my marriage 12 years ago. He pestered me for about a year after that begging for another chance so he could show me who he really was. LOL! How is it possible to give someone a chance who repulses you?

It took me five years of marriage to learn who he really was. That's when D day arrived. Multiple OW's including strippers/prostitutes. He was doing this when I was working during the day and he pretended to be working as well. I was repulsed when I realized "who" I'd married.
I got him out of the house on D day, sold the house, bought my own house and got a good lawyer. I was able to get a quick termination of the marriage.

On D day, the handsome, charming, moralistic and quick-witted man I married transformed before my very eyes into a pathetic creature who was incapable of even taking care of himself. It was one constant pity play after another for close to a year after the termination of the marriage.

There is nothing to pity about the man. He left a lot of damage in his midst, including significant financial damage. The entire courtship and marriage was based on lies and deception. As he was trying to pull the huge on-going pity play on me after the marriage was over, he had his profile on every dating site imaginable. He thought he was fooling me, but I was onto him. He was so manipulative that grey rock didn't work, so I went complete no contact.

After having years of peace and harmony in my new life, a few months ago, I got a text message for him. He was sending out a "feeler" to see if I might be an option. He's remarried and lives on the other side of the country now.

I felt sick to my stomach and my hands were shaking when I got his text message. I responded back advising him that any future attempts to make contact with me would result in very serious consequences for him. I am fully prepared to dole out those consequences if he ever tries it again. His new number has also been blocked.

I'm so glad I didn't give him a second chance or fall for his pity play years ago. I've had some very nice, peaceful years without him and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like having him in it for the past 12 years. He doesn't learn from his mistakes. I know he has a problem, but the problem is, he actually enjoys his problem. He just doesn't like the consequences.

DevastatedDee posted 7/28/2020 14:15 PM

Multiple OW's including strippers/prostitutes. He was doing this when I was working during the day and he pretended to be working as well.

On D day, the handsome, charming, moralistic and quick-witted man I married transformed before my very eyes into a pathetic creature who was incapable of even taking care of himself. It was one constant pity play after another for close to a year after the termination of the marriage.

SAME. My my. So much same. Isn't it fascinating how someone can do you like that and manage to transform themselves into the victim in their minds once they get busted and lose you? I figure mine will occasionally reach out too in the future, though I have him blocked wherever I can. I'm sorry that you had to experience those feelings. These people do so much damage. I'm also SO glad to have left that behind.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/28/2020 22:37 PM

I know he has a problem, but the problem is, he actually enjoys his problem. He just doesn't like the consequences.
Well ain't that the fuckin' truth.

Lifeexploded posted 7/29/2020 22:58 PM

Hi ladies. I haven't been here in a while. It was just a lot and I was trying to move on from his addiction and on with my life. Our divorce was signed by a judge on July 22nd. I still feel like I'll never be free; he's telling everyone that I'm crazy, controlling, and all of this stuff. It doesn't matter. He gets pissed regularly about how much child support he pays. He tries to control whether I go places with friends or not by talking about covid and whatnot. Ironically, I ended up with some weird lung problem out of the clear blue and so now I am stuck at home. I am so pissed. I thought, yay, when I'm divorced I can finally live my life. But no. Still stuck at home. Oh well. At least home is a happy place now.

Anyway. You guys. I am free. I don't have to worry about what he's doing with his phone. Who he is talking to when he is at work. Whether he is watching porn. Blah blah blah blah. I am so much happier. My mind is clearer without all that worry. My heart goes out to everyone who is still with a sex addict. I'm sending strength to you in whatever you decide to do. YOU DESERVE PEACE.

DevastatedDee posted 7/30/2020 08:43 AM

Anyway. You guys. I am free. I don't have to worry about what he's doing with his phone. Who he is talking to when he is at work. Whether he is watching porn. Blah blah blah blah. I am so much happier. My mind is clearer without all that worry. My heart goes out to everyone who is still with a sex addict. I'm sending strength to you in whatever you decide to do. YOU DESERVE PEACE.

I'm sorry you wound up with a lung problem. I hope that clears up soon and you can start living (as much as one can right now, lol). But yeah, that paragraph above absolutely nails it. Dropping all that anxiety and walking away was such a load off of me. I can't even express it.

And no worries, last I heard I was "that fucking bitch", lol. You can't leave an addict and not be the bad guy. We can stop being victims, but they apparently can't.

Lifeexploded posted 7/31/2020 15:23 PM

Oh for sure. I have already heard through the grapevine that he is telling people that I controlled who he talked to and if he spoke to a woman he had to tell me. Makes me sound crazy right? Except that's the truth, because that was the directions given to us by our counselor who diagnosed him as a sex addict. He isn't going to tell people that part. Lol

DevastatedDee posted 7/31/2020 15:48 PM

Oh I am sure all manner of things have been said about me. I am equally sure that most of them either completely lack context or are blatantly false. I'm sure he even believes some of what he's saying. He is very talented at being the victim. I don't care. I'm out, he can say whatever he wishes to.

I would like for him to mature and become a decent person, but way over there. As long as he doesn't disrupt my life, he can do and say whatever he feels like.

skeetermooch posted 8/2/2020 18:20 PM

Hi All,

Hope everyone is doing okay.

I'm still utterly stuck. The pandemic is making it so much harder for me to let go. I weigh the pros and cons over and over. I'm nearly 60. I'm terrified of not having a support system. My work has slowed down, my kids are struggling a bit for various reasons, I can't go anywhere or meet anyone because my state has out of control infection rates, and I've fallen out with one of my closest friends. It's overall a scary time to cut my WH loose and fend for myself. I have no family to speak of. Aging alone frightens me.

My WH has been staying with me since we went on lock down in March. He still maintains his apartment though thankfully. He is pleasant to watch tv with, talk about current events, cook a meal etc. Of course all the good comes with triggers, mistrust and his anger should I bring up the cheating/addiction.

Can you all share what helped you get unstuck? I'm considering a VAR now (or a few) thinking maybe new revelations will be the key.

DevastatedDee posted 8/2/2020 19:26 PM

Skeetermooch, is he really better than no one? Are you maybe catastrophizing that he's the only human being on this entire planet who would spend time with you for the rest of your life? Is this the way you justify to yourself not wanting to let go of him?

There are facts here.

1. He does not have the capacity to love you.
2. He has no remorse for cheating on you.
3. He does not respect you.

You have pretty close to 100% odds that he will hurt you in the future. Is being with someone like that really better than being alone with just you for company? You seem like a pretty cool person and FAR better company than he is. And that's just for right now, btw. There are billions of people on this earth. Our lives can change on a dime. I can sit here and bullshit myself and everybody else about how I am thrilled to be alone and don't want to meet someone and have feelings for them, but for all I know I'll meet someone tomorrow by accident. I am actually happy on my own, but even I find myself saying "I wouldn't find anyone worth my emotional investment anyway" and that is absolutely bullshit coming out of my mouth. The VAST majority of people are not the level of fucked up that our ex's are. To think that we either have to choose between that kind of dumpster fire or no one at all is not reality.

Being alone is something that we should all strive to be comfortable with. That's a secret weapon. The reason I could leave so easily is not that I didn't love my XWH madly or didn't enjoy having company or didn't like having a nicer house. The reason I could say "nope, this is unhealthy for me and he can go fuck himself" is that I have absolutely no fear of being on my own. That's like having a parachute on an airplane. It may take some therapy to get there, and that's okay. Working on your self-worth is key as well. This man is not worthy of your time. When you truly believe that, you will have a far easier time letting go.

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