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My wife is cheating on me, looking for advice...

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Bladerunner2054 posted 8/6/2019 16:58 PM

IcyWrap,

I'm sorry dude but you might be married to a sociopath.

I would run, not walk, away from your marriage.

The seizure thing can be worked around.

I feel for you man. She's been cheating on you since before you got married without a shred of guilt or remorse.

IcyWarp posted 8/6/2019 16:58 PM

I figured recording would be useful in certain situations. Maybe having the confession to show her family if she tries to spin this on me. Or, if I need it to prove she's not fit to be a mother for custodial purposes. She's about 110 lbs, and I'm about 190, so the physical threat isn't something I'm worried about physically defending myself from, but if she did try to physically lash out, that also seemed useful to have a recording of.

IcyWarp posted 8/6/2019 17:00 PM

"I'm sorry dude but you might be married to a sociopath."

I agree. It has me really worried. Mainly for my daughter's well-being.

I think when we have our talk, I'm actually going to have my daughter here at home with us (will wait until she's asleep), and ask my wife to leave to stay with her parents.

[This message edited by IcyWarp at 5:01 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 8/6/2019 17:40 PM

IW -

I agree. The safety of your daughter is paramount.

Bladerunner2054 posted 8/6/2019 17:40 PM

IW -

Or a narcissist. I don't know which is worse, but she has some type of serious mental disorder. Maybe related to the seizure issue?

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 5:43 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

havequestions posted 8/6/2019 19:07 PM

Iím so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar issue. I saw the texts, then I was told I was wrong, then I was an asshole for spying, then I was insecure because it really didnít mean anything. Then, she was sorry but still minimized the whole thing.
Some women are trash, plain and simple. They only care about themselves. Itís sad really. So empty and frail but put on a big show around their fiends and cheating partners only to come home to be the whiney, pathetic pieces of shit they are. To sexually text while you and your daughter were right there tells me that she cares little about you. Also, that she has done this a lot. Sounds like her partner doesnít care much for her either so she will be all alone. You showed more restraint then me. Had I seen her texting, I would have grabbed her phone and sent messages to the guy and said he letís meet up ASAP!!! If he is married, give his wife all the details. It seems cheating women are more than willing to do the things their spouse wanted all along with anyone else. Disgusting trash. Donít believe any of the bs you are sure to get, she left her family to sleep with a guy. She texted with her daughter in the backseatt. My guess is you donít have even half of what she has done. As for the finances, she cheated, take all of it.

[This message edited by havequestions at 7:11 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Robert22205https posted 8/6/2019 19:11 PM

Do you know the OM's identity?

Did the affair start before the baby was born?

If so, DNA test the baby.

Odonna posted 8/6/2019 19:14 PM

As a divorced man, which I hope is your future, you will have to co-parent with her and work out practical solutions for her seizures. So I do not recommend blowing her out of the water on all fronts now. Protect yourself but preserve the ability to co-parent and to manage her seizures. The mother of your children needs to remain on an even keel for their sake.

havequestions posted 8/6/2019 19:17 PM

Btw, you are absolutely right about the FaceTime. It works on cellular and every damn hotel has WiFi. Maybe she would have to go to the lobby to get the signal, but thatís not asking a lot. Her refusal to get on FaceTime is very concerning as it means she didnít even care to talk to her daughter.
My ww used to tell me she couldnít get a cell signal during her 3 hour Costco shopping trips or her 1/2 day trips to ikea

rugswept posted 8/6/2019 19:33 PM

she is now a non wife to you.

she's so into "that guy" whoever he is (a POSOM).
she means NOTHING to him. she's some fun sex here and there when they both have time and they can both make it.

she has really intense feelings for him.

DO NOT factor in her medical issues. she's in good enough shape to fly around the country for some banging with POSOM.

I'm really big on R in most cases. this violation, gaslightling, lying, fake work trips, planning, deceit, internet outage is so bad that you should immediately start out with D. you can stop that anytime.

she is so disrespectful toward you, that AT MOST what you are to her is the guy who pays the bills while she pines for POSOM.

plan on getting out of this. you've probably already got enough to go to the attorney.

good luck and we're really sorry this happened. you're one of the most obvious plan B's i've seen. the only reason she's still around is because POSOM doesn't really want her, at least for any more than a week at a time, max.


SorrowfulMoon posted 8/6/2019 19:46 PM

You need to take control of your life.

"I'm sorry dude but you might be married to a sociopath."
I agree. It has me really worried. Mainly for my daughter's well-being.

I think when we have our talk, I'm actually going to have my daughter here at home with us (will wait until she's asleep), and ask my wife to leave to stay with her parents


Or as someone said a Narcissist. Either way you can no longer be passive. She has probably been cheating on you for your entire relationship. There is really nothing to save here, sorry.

You must find some strength and move forward with divorce. You have a list of reasons not to do so but they seem more like excuses for inaction.

Of course its hard but you have to get out of infidelity before you can start healing.

Ponus18 posted 8/6/2019 21:06 PM

IcyWrap Iím sorry youíre joining us here.

Youíve gotten excellent advice and I hope youíll follow it.

I just wanted to say that your story is similar to mine in many ways. I also thought I saw suspicious texts over the years but tricked myself into believing I misread things or when I asked quickly believed her bullshit explanations. Because I wanted to. Just as Iím sure you understandably wanted to in order to rugsweep it all away and go on about your life. You and I both learned that it doesnít work.

Youíre now faced with the full-on truth that she has been cheating on you for years.

I would see a few lawyers over the next few days, pick the one you feel most comfortable with, and have your WW served and get things moving.

Hang in there. Youíll be ok.

fareast posted 8/6/2019 21:43 PM

IcyWarp:

Sorry you are here. From reading your post I can see that you love your WW and are very hurt by her betrayal, and this hurt has been going on for a long time. Please knock off the drinking. Itís a depressant and you have enough depressing things to deal with. Also, your dd needs a stable parent to help her get through this shitstorm. Eat healthy, get exercise and get fit. It will help.

You have received some excellent advice from Odonna on how to confront. Cool and calm. Donít engage. Matter of fact. You know sheís been cheating. I also agree with WilliamM to follow through with the attorney.

In reading your post and your thoughts about moving forward, I see a man desperately seeking rationalizations to keep his M. That is an entirely normal reaction. None of us wanted to lose our M. But the reality is that your M has not existed for a very long time. You are facing continuing your M with a liar and a cheater. It takes two people for a M. Right now your WW has destroyed your current M. You canít R by yourself. Your WW is healthy enough to hold down a decent paying job and travel around to screw her AP. Her ability to be a custodial parent will be determined by the courts and you will have a large say in arguing for custody. Donít let your fears govern you.

You have suffered enough. Always value yourself. You deserve a spouse who loves and cherishes, and is faithful to you. You are the prize do not accept being plan B. When your WW is served D papers it may shock her back to reality or not. But either way you are moving on the path out of infidelity to a better day for you and your dd. Good luck.

IcyWarp posted 8/7/2019 22:53 PM

I'll update everyone here after my attorney's meeting on Friday.

I'm feeling okay right now. I'm in detached zombie mode right now just trying to get my ducks in a row, and I'm finding that all the action I'm taking is kind of taking away a little bit of the fear of the unknown.

Thanks for everyone's help here. I can't express how helpful you all have been. How can people be so shitty toward someone else that loves them?

Jduff posted 8/7/2019 23:40 PM

How can people be so shitty toward someone else that loves them?

It depends on the waywards' definition of what "love" is to them.

Marz posted 8/8/2019 01:12 AM

You're on the right track. Knowledge is power. You need as much as you can get.

Don't discount support. It helps as well

Sharkman posted 8/8/2019 05:59 AM

Dude! The realization that action takes away fear is quite literally what it takes us months to coach people into sometimes. You have a completely shitty situation, there is no debating that, but you are KILLING it!!!

Robert22205https posted 8/8/2019 07:20 AM

Maybe there was a side to her that she hid from you (or you were blind to or overlooked).

Studies show that cheaters share the following characteristics that enable them to cheat: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for their partner.

Bladerunner2054 posted 8/8/2019 16:16 PM

How can people be so shitty toward someone else that loves them?

I've always believed that the cheating spouse doesn't in fact love the person they're cheating on, not in the true sense of the word.

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 4:16 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 8/8/2019 16:16 PM

How can people be so shitty toward someone else that loves them?

I've always believed that the cheating spouse doesn't in fact love the person they're cheating on, not in the true sense of the word.

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 4:17 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

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