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My wife is cheating on me, looking for advice...

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Beachwalker posted 8/8/2019 17:08 PM

IcyWarp: I wish I was there to give you a big man-hug! How terrible for your wife to treat you this way. I know, because mine did, too. I know the pain, humiliation, embarrassment, betrayal, etc., etc., you are and will be going through. I am “making it” by taking one step at a time and focusing only on that one step. Hug your daughter lots – it will take some of the penned up frustration out of you. Plus, it feels great when they hug you back, give you a kiss, and tell you they love you. You need that right now, and you know that little girl isn’t lying to you about loving you.

You are doing great, so far. Keep it up!

Try to make every conversation between you and your wife in some type of writing – texts, emails, FB messages, you get it. This will give you a written record of your conversations versus “he said – she said”. I think the VAR is a good idea to keep on your person at all times. You can pull it out when the two of you start talking about your relationship and verbally have her acknowledge the recording. She, however, might just walk away. Or, you can never let her know, in which case she will show her true self thinking the two of you are alone. This probably won’t be admissible in court, but, as you expressed, you can play it for family and friends when/if she decides more lies about you are necessary to protect her reputation within the family. I found this to be the Achilles heal of my wife. She did everything necessary to protect her precious reputation. The worst time for a WS is when they are outed. They get mean, vengeful, and redirect all blame to you for outing them rather than taking responsibility for their selfish, dangerous behavior.

I know alcohol can numb the pain for a short period, and that you have gone that route. Perfectly understandable, but from here on out, not more than 1 beer a day, ok? Do this for lots of reasons, some have already been shared. Add to them the fact you don’t want your wife or any of her “friends” bringing into court a photo of you drunk. You be the good guy, a role model of a dad, the best employee. Not only will you feel great about being all those things, this is what you want the court to see.

Keep us posted, my friend. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

LivingWithPain posted 8/8/2019 17:20 PM

Icy Warp go into the Library and read up on the 180. It will help you a lot.

faithfulman posted 8/8/2019 19:02 PM

IcyWarp - you have enough evidence and proof to divorce your wife.

But I believe you want more proof so you understand the scale of her betrayal. In this way you can make your decision and KNOW that you did what was best.

Do you have the passcode to her phone?

Get the phone recovery software Fonelab and recover the deleted texts and any other photos, videos, or cheater app messages that she may have deleted - if there were any.

Fonelab has iPhone and Android versions.

Get ahold of her phone and any old phone of hers. Run the recovery in secret, maybe while she is sleeping.

Then you'll know what's really going on.

***

And once you do know what is going on I think you should really examine who your wife truly is. Was she always a selfish bitch and you gave her a pass?

This doesn't mean you are to blame or anything like that.

Looking at people and their behavior to see and understand who they truly are is a way to keep ourselves safe, and not be blinded by physical attraction or even love.

The reason I say this is your sad situation story reminds me of another epic story I read on another forum. The similarities are there - right down to the wife having seizure issues.

His wife was always a cold bitch "to other people" and this fellow never thought she would turn on him the way she did to others - until she did.

***

I'm a proponent of divorce in most cases of physical cheating - sex especially. If you want to divorce or reconcile, that is of course your choice to make.

But take this into account: if you reconcile, what are you getting? What are you saddling yourself up with for the next months, years, or the rest of your life?

An incredibly cold and dishonest person who treats not just you, but her family like garbage. Who doesn't respect herself, her vows, or her family.

A person who engages in behavior that is downright disgusting, then comes back home, lies in your face without batting an eye.

Think about it.

IcyWarp posted 8/9/2019 09:25 AM

I’m sitting here in a Starbucks waiting for my appointment with my lawyer...

I’ve had too much time to sit and think this week. I can already hear her words in my head making excuses and denying things when I end up confronting her.

Not sure what the point of this post is beyond just reaching out for some last minute support before all this shit comes crashing down....

Bigheart2018 posted 8/9/2019 09:29 AM

We are all here with you!!!!

ICaughtThem posted 8/9/2019 11:37 AM

How can people be so shitty toward someone else that loves them?

Because they love themselves above all. Everyone else is just collateral damage.

DoinBettr posted 8/9/2019 11:43 AM

Meeting the lawyer is the first step. She can come back from divorce. She just needs to start that process.

You got this. Get yourself ready and use this to wake her up.

fareast posted 8/9/2019 13:59 PM

Good luck! When you confront you are in control. Don’t allow any rationalizing or blameshifting. Calm and collected. You tell her you know. “You love her but there is not room for three people in your M. She is free to go to him. No bullshit time to think it over. You have seen an attorney and learned your rights.”

Good luck and strength to you.

NoOptTo posted 8/9/2019 14:00 PM

Vent away my friend. That is what we are here for.

As she makes her excuses when she is confronted, remain calm, saying that you love her and you love yourself. We made vows to each other. You choose to confide in someone else. You are free to do as you wish. I refuse to share you with anyone else and am going to move out of infidelity, with or without YOU. You can choose to join me or not. You actions will dictate which way I proceed.

IcyWarp posted 8/9/2019 17:02 PM

I met with my lawyer this morning and she was great. She gave me a lot of confidence that I felt was draining away from me throughout the week as I waited to confront. I also had a good friend that was my rock throughout the week, and I will never be able to thank him enough.

I ended up confronting my wife right after the meeting with the lawyer. I refused to give up any of my evidence. I just said "I know about the other guy, I need you to talk about it." I just kept repeating that line while she went through crocodile tears and confusion about what I was talking about. It was SO fucking hard not giving up any of that information. But I knew that I had all the power in that situation.

In the end she never confessed. I basically moved the conversation from there by saying "Well, it doesn't matter if you admit to what I already know or not, because the sexting that you did last year was enough to destroy any trust I had in you. And I can no longer live like this,." From there she just kind of shut down, and became pretty docile, and never brought back up this "outrageous thing I was falsely accusing her of".

We pretty quickly moved into business-like details about what to do in the short term. Her dad came over and picked her up and gave me a hug, and said "let us know if you need anything". I fucking teared up right at that moment...

I'm not letting my guard down yet, because anything can happen, but I think things may work out for the better for everyone involved.

I posted this same thing over on Reddit, but I have to say, everyone here has been my online "rock" through all of this. You all were so amazing, comforting, and knowledgeable. Hopefully (or not hopefully depending on how you look at it) somewhere down the line when I have all of this behind me I will have the opportunity to pay all of this forward to someone else that may be dealing with these struggles of infidelity. It's the worst. I wouldn't wish this experience on even my worst enemy...

Cheers everyone. I'll probably be making my way over to the Divorce/Separation forum as needed.

Again, I cannot thank you all enough.

Marz posted 8/9/2019 17:15 PM

You should inform the other mans wife if he's married.

Without any warning to anyone.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:16 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

fareast posted 8/9/2019 17:33 PM

Very well done. She knows she’s been caught.

Please follow thru and expose the OM to his W or gf if you have that info. She deserves to know she is living a lie.

Good luck moving forward. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster yet.

Did you tell her you knew she spent last week with the OM? I don’t see how she could deny it. She would have no idea how you found out.

Well done.

Marz posted 8/9/2019 17:37 PM

I ended up confronting my wife right after the meeting with the lawyer. I refused to give up any of my evidence. I just said "I know about the other guy, I need you to talk about it." I just kept repeating that line while she went through crocodile tears and confusion about what I was talking about. It was SO fucking hard not giving up any of that information. But I knew that I had all the power in that situation.

You don't have to convince her. She knows what she did.

What you do know is she's not remourseful which means no R.

You could stay together but you have what you have and nothing more.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

IcyWarp posted 8/9/2019 17:48 PM

Sorry, I'm not quite sure how to quote someone on this forum yet. So I'll just have to do it this way:

"You should inform the other mans wife if he's married.
Without any warning to anyone."

Unfortunately I don't know his name or his exact whereabouts. I definitely would if I could.

"Very well done. She knows she’s been caught.
Please follow thru and expose the OM to his W or gf if you have that info. She deserves to know she is living a lie.

Good luck moving forward. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster yet.

Did you tell her you knew she spent last week with the OM? I don’t see how she could deny it. She would have no idea how you found out.

Well done."

Thank you. No, I didn't divulge anything really...as we were talking it just sort of washed over me that it didn't really matter. I could tell that she knew that I knew, and that's all that mattered. If she feels like not admitting helps her move forward, and make this as amicable as possible, then that's okay with me. I'm just over it.

"You don't have to convince her. She knows what she did.

What you do know is she's not remourseful which means no R.

You could stay together but you have what you have and nothing more."

Yeah. There wasn't any remorse. She's just scared for herself, and regrets that she got caught.

LivingWithPain posted 8/9/2019 17:50 PM

I'm sorry this happened to you man. Just remember this has nothing to do with you. She's a broken person and a woman not cut out for monogamous marriage.

D and move on to a better and happier future.

Ponus18 posted 8/9/2019 18:39 PM

You handled everything great. Even in the shittiest of situations. Good for you IW.

And yeah there'll be plenty of opportunity to come back here and help others. How do you think the rest of us got here?!! I have a feeling you'll be a very big help when you're ready.

Best of luck to you man.

IcyWarp posted 8/9/2019 18:58 PM

"I'm sorry this happened to you man. Just remember this has nothing to do with you. She's a broken person and a woman not cut out for monogamous marriage.
D and move on to a better and happier future."

Agreed. I'm running things over and over in my head, and there was nothing did to warrant her actions (if there even could be...).

Thank you

IcyWarp posted 8/9/2019 18:58 PM

"You handled everything great. Even in the shittiest of situations. Good for you IW.
And yeah there'll be plenty of opportunity to come back here and help others. How do you think the rest of us got here?!! I have a feeling you'll be a very big help when you're ready.

Best of luck to you man."

I'll be here :thumbsup:

Thank you

deena04 posted 8/9/2019 20:52 PM

Tell her you need to see her phone to look something up or sneakily grab it when she is sleeping. Then, see if you can find out what her location was during that time. Would it show up under Google locations or something odd like that? Do a little research and see if you can figure out how to see where she was. Someone more tech savvy might be able to chime in and add to this on how to do that.

[This message edited by deena04 at 8:53 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 8/13/2019 09:59 AM

IcyWarp I'm sorry to see you here, and I know I'm late to the thread, but wow. You handled this like a CHAMP. You didn't even give her an inch of wiggle room once confronted with the new evidence.

Stay the course, and watch out for her family. You'll want to keep things cordial for the sake of your child, but regardless of what they say, they aren't your friends. Be careful with that.

PLEASE keep us posted.

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