SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

CatsNTats posted 8/13/2019 13:50 PM

Spent my first night in my new place last night. I still have a lot in the house. I brought one of 2 of the cats I'm taking. He kept me awake all night coming to me meowing...hurts my heart I had to separate him and the female cat he's bonded to, but the girls are sisters and are his and the boys are mine...

I think he's scared like I am. I wish I could take that away for him. For the part of town I'm in I can't believe how quiet this apartment is. Freaks me out a little.

This all feels unreal. As if I didn't believe I'd leave. Like I'm in a state of shock. Is that normal?

BearlyBreathing posted 8/13/2019 14:04 PM

Very normal . Breathe deeply and enjoy the lack of drama and the lies.
Hope you and your kitty feel more peaceful soon.

CaliforniaNative posted 8/13/2019 15:33 PM

Things will get easier. Trust me. Your kitty will adjust with time, same as you.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/13/2019 17:48 PM

When I moved, my cat that had lived in the former house his entire life, meowed loudly the entire first 2 nights. He settled after that. Poor baby and poor me because I was exhausted. Now, 4 years later he is the most loving companion ever.

Chili posted 8/13/2019 18:12 PM

Wowser - look at you in your new digs! Such a big step.

I'm sorry the kitta is having a little bit of a hard time with the adjustment, but I think for both of you - the unsettled and unreal part is so completely normal.

I mean seriously - think about all the drama you've had to put up with. The literal (and unspoken) noise that's invaded your life for so long. I bet that quiet is *loud* indeed.

So can you tell us more about the scared part?

Is it centered around all the changes you've made quite deliberately and really, all at once? (the new apartment, leaving him, school, pets, money - all that jazz). Or are you scared because you're so used to his disordered crap that you're afraid he might somehow show up (in any which way) and screw it all up for you? Are you still feeling unsafe?

(Singing the white coat ceremony song for you. There surely is one floating around somewhere...)

Hg65 posted 8/13/2019 19:57 PM

Embrace the peace. You took a big step in sticking up for yourself. You are strong.... brave!

WhoTheBleep posted 8/13/2019 21:58 PM

Rock on with your bad self in your new digs! You've got this! And my experience has been, after that first morning cup of coffee in your new place, it really does feel like home.

Charity411 posted 8/13/2019 22:37 PM

You've got this! Kitty needs you to be convinced of that. They act all bad ass and confident, but they're just as insecure as we are. So show kitty you're in charge and it's all good.

The best thing? You are in charge for the first time. And it will be all good. It really will. The same? Nope. But it will be a new all good. You go girl!

Smjsome1 posted 8/13/2019 22:59 PM

I admire your strength - this is a huge and awesome time for you!
Hugs

CatsNTats posted 8/14/2019 11:59 AM

Wow. Thanks ladies.

So yesterday I had to go to the house. I need to have everything out by end of week. After some hours of me working around the house to get things together he came upstairs and kissed me, like grabbed my face and held it, and then tried to convince me to fuck him. I told him no and pulled away. He was pretty insistent. He kept trying. I started to hustle up and got my car full as quickly as possible. He wants one last time which sounds really cliché. I left with what I could. Pretty much a full car.

BearlyBreathing, I think I'll feel more at peace once I'm completely out of there. Thank you for being reassuring in how I'm feeling.

Chrysalis, seeing you say that makes me feel a 1000x better about the cat thing. I brought my other boy over here last night and he hid under a chair in the living room area. I pulled him out at bed time and once he realized I was in the bed he likes to lay in, he started doing his kitty chatter came towards me. Now he's out checking out his new digs. I think bringing him over may help my other boy, but he's still been really talkative.

CN, I'm sure we will, it's just been a big scary leap.

Chili! The quiet is loud. I guess I feel scared because it's been over a decade (11 yrs) since I've been on my own. I guess I worry I won't be able to keep up with bills and rent and stuff while in school. I'm really going to have to buckle down and watch my finances tightly. This program is intimidating too. It's all overwhelming.

Hg, I am trying to. Thank you.

WTB, I don't do coffee anymore, but I do do a hi-caf tea. When I went to turn my stove on to heat up the tea pot yesterday morning, it didn't turn on. So I pulled the stove out and pushed on the plug, set my hand down on a burner to find it kicked on after I messed with the plug. The knobs also don't align to off - so I was kind of pisser yesterday morning. I've got someone coming out to look at it Friday.

Charity and Smjsome, thank you for support and reassurance. Feeling like I need it right now.

Superesse posted 8/14/2019 18:36 PM

Cats! Please get someone to go with you, if you have to interact with him further like that. What he was doing was borderline illegal, but so long as you are still technically married, are you aware that if you were to end up having sex with him, his lawyers would consider it as evidence you had legally "condoned" his adultery? He'd just have to verbally document the deed to his attorney. I don't know the laws in your state, but that was the law in mine, it even has a legal term: Condonation.

Interesting how I learned this: I once had a creep of a BF who told me he had left his wife, she'd kicked him out, then started to have regrets, so he accomodated her by screwing her - ON THE ADVICE OF HIS LAWYER, he told me!! Yuck. I had no idea. But it was in the state code governing divorce, that a betrayed spouse legally "condones" adultery if they resume sexual relations with the adulterer, thus losing the right to seek divorce on those grounds. And for the adulterer, it can mean a more lenient settlement, too! Even if you were forced, because within the bounds of marriage, sex is viewed as a "he said - she said" situation, so how would you even be able to demonstrate to a court that he had forced you?

I wonder if that is his real motive? Nothing would surprise me....