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Found out 3 weeks ago

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RedDaddy posted 9/13/2019 08:29 AM

After 6 years of being together I found out my fiancé was cheating on me and In love with another man. At first I was angry, all I wanted to do was attack, I didn’t. After calming down. I asked her what she wanted. She told me she wanted me and the family we built. I said ok and we started the healing process. I forgave her fairly quickly. I find out she’s still talking to him. So I lose it again and say I’m done. I asked her why she would tell me she wants me, but continued to see him. She said she is in love with both of us and wants to be with both of us. That she can’t make a choice it’s too hard. Now we are up to date. I’m 30 days into this. I’m taking to other people and she’s talking to other people, while we maintain our regular home life routine. I am struggling with he whole situation. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or not. I’m trying to allow some time to pass while I just focus on bettering myself and taking care of the kids. Sometimes i am truly happy and sometimes I am miserable. We don’t fight about it or really talk about it. We are just kinda going through the motions. She is 100% honest and up front about everything now.

[This message edited by RedDaddy at 8:29 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

DoinBettr posted 9/13/2019 09:11 AM

So you made it very clear, she needed to choose you or you will leave her.
Show her the door (Leave her) and force her to choose you by chasing after you.
You already tried talking to get her to do the right thing. She refused. Now show her that her actions have consequences.
If you don't push her away, she will think you are ok waiting for her to figure out her heart while dating you both. That means if this kind of thing happens again, she will expect you to wait around while she tries on other guys.

WilliamM posted 9/13/2019 09:13 AM

Please don't live in an infidelity situation. She won't end it and you are allowing her to continue. You make the choice. Tell her you will not share her. If she can't be 100% committed then the relationship is done. IMO. I would end it. If she is cheating now, before marriage, she will cheat during marriage.

DaninOH posted 9/13/2019 09:19 AM

At this point you are giving her a free pass to screw the other guy. This makes you look even weaker in her eyes. Its time to expose her to friends and family and show her that there are consequences to her actions.

fareast posted 9/13/2019 09:23 AM

RedDaddy:

Very sorry you found yourself here. Your WF is a cheater and a cake eater. Always value yourself! Never settle for being plan b in your own M. You deserve someone so much better. As painful as it is you need you need to tell her to get out. Do not do the pick me dance. It never works. By trying to “better yourself” it just makes you appear weak and pathetic in her eyes. Be strong. Demand respect. See an attorney to learn your rights. Get tested for STD’s and be the stable parent for your kids. There is a saying here: you have to be willing to lose the M (or relationship in this case) to save it. WilliamM has given you great advice. You would be wise to follow it. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:05 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 9/13/2019 09:36 AM

I just responded to another new poster with the following, which I think may be helpful to you also:

Tell us more about your marriage and family life. It will help us give better advice. Do you have kids? Any indication of prior cheating? Is she generally transparent? Reliable? A good communicator and co-parent? History of manipulation or lying? What has her behavior been like since DDay: minimizing the affair? Blaming you for her straying? Transparent with phone and location?

I ask because your biggest task is to assess whether she has it in her to re-build the marriage. If not, there is your answer. If she does, however, then you will have to decide whether to offer that. Some BSs find infidelity a deal-breaker even with a WS doing the work. Others can accept the remorse and the work and reconcile.

But the first step is to assess whether she has it in her to make the changes in herself. Read “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair,” by Linda MacDonald. It will show you what you need to look for. Mark it up in the margins and give it to her with a day or two deadline to finish it and come talk to you. You will see very quickly where she stands on her commitment to DO the work (actions are what you look at, not words).

annb posted 9/13/2019 09:41 AM

Hi, RedDaddy, sorry you find yourself here.

On my way out, but gently, you choose. Yes, you. You choose to be in a monogamous relationship with an individual who wants you and only you. Period.

If she cannot make up her mind, find your inner courage and strength to get yourself out of infidelity and back into a real life with a real partner who has your back.

Honestly, right now she is choosing the other guy and IMO keeping you as the backup plan. She hasn't given him up, which speaks volumes, actions speak louder than words.

Marz posted 9/13/2019 10:01 AM

She made her choice but it wasn't you. You just weren't informed.

Hopefully you'll wake up to reality.

hatefulnow posted 9/13/2019 10:09 AM

This is a tough situation. But as bad as it would be to lose her, it is WORSE to share her. She has NO motivation to change. Best of both worlds cake-eating.

ramius posted 9/13/2019 10:11 AM

fiancé
???

Run. She is not relationship material.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/13/2019 10:37 AM

Have to agree with Ramius, This won't get better when you marry! Don't let the fact that you have kids factor into this. Staying for the kids never works. You don't want to do this over again years down the line with more kids! Just walk way and save yourself more pain....

GoldenR posted 9/13/2019 10:51 AM

Why not make hotel reservations for them?

OrdinaryDude posted 9/13/2019 19:43 PM

???
Run. She is not relationship material.

This...all day and twice on Sunday!

Butforthegrace posted 9/13/2019 20:01 PM

Here is what you tell her:

"Wife, I love you and I want you to be able to follow your happiness. You have told me that your happiness is leading you into the arms and bed of AP. I want you to know that you are free to spend as much time with AP as you wish. But not as my wife. Therefore, in order to give you the freedome to pursue your happiness, I will be pursuing a divorce from you. I wish you the best."

Then, hard 180.

Booyah posted 9/13/2019 21:07 PM

What's this nonsense of "bettering yourself"?

You have kids with this woman, are engaged to be married, and she's in love with another man (oh and you)?

I know this situation sucks, but listen, is this arrangement really ok with you?

Read what you just wrote and don't tell me you can't see how ludicrous this sounds.

Have enough dignity for yourself and end this charade. Pack her bags and tell her to go to this OM because you and your kids deserve better. Tell her parents, your parents, and the rest of your families.

Tell her you've taken the decision out of her hands and made it yourself. Maybe this might wake her the F up but whether it does or doesn't at least you're standing up for you and your children and saying you have enough pride to not share yourself (and your family) with another man.

Instead of just "going through the motions" you need to get PISSED OFF and man the F up because nothing about this should be acceptable!!

You have to see this......RIGHT????

Trdd posted 9/13/2019 22:20 PM

Reddaddy, read ButfortheGrace's post above carefully. That is what you need to do. The 180 is explained in the healing library under the article section.

You need to avoid the pick me dance and tell her you are ending it. Be strong. This will do two things for you. 1) it will help preserve some self esteem regardless of who she chooses. 2) it will provide a shock to her that, hopefully, will make her come to her senses. If she leaves you, well, see point one. At least you weren't begging her to stay when she left. It doesn't work anyway.. the strong hand and holding her accountable gives you a better chance. Including exposure of the affair to her family.

You need to get out of infedility, asap. The 180 will help do this. You can get out of it with or without her, either way, it is your first mission.

Beachwalker posted 9/14/2019 03:30 AM

RedDaddy: I am so sorry you are here and in the situation you are. However, it was not you who put you here – it was your selfish fiancé. Re-read ButfortheGrace’s post, again. I am so much in favor of you following that advice. My story (a bit of it):

My WW had sex with a married man while in college. She was with him 3 to 4 times, at least, all while the wife was at work. When we married, within 12 months she was flirting with another man and in month 13 they had sex. A year later, the cycle repeated. Now, 28 years beyond that, she has had AT LEAST 7 sexual partners, 7 additional emotional and e-affairs, been in a threesome, involved in sexting, and chased her main AP (Affair Partner) for 28 of the 30 years we have been married. It is not looking good for us.

So, from my perspective, had I known she committed adultery before we married and did it repeatedly with no remorse, I would not have married her. The pain I am in is relentless, the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the mind movies, and the trickle-truth sessions with my WW (Wayward Wife) are all exhausting and stressful.

Please do not follow my path. Take Grace’s advice. Take the advice and do it now! This woman does not appear to be a safe, stable partner who respects the boundaries in her relationship nor those of others. She is not marriage material. There must be 2 functioning adults for your relationship to work, and she is not functioning properly. ** Take the advice and do it! **

Booyah posted 9/14/2019 03:41 AM

He's NOT married......it's his fiancé.....so he can't divorce her but he can certainly terminate this threesome arrangement that she desires.

Marz posted 9/14/2019 03:51 AM

The nightmare ends when you say it does.

Trdd posted 9/14/2019 08:10 AM

To clarify, ButfortheGrace's advice does not automatically mean dumping her. It means getting out of infidelity. R is still possible, in fact, it will be more "possible" by taking a firm stand with the 180 and exposing her affair.

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