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Found out 3 weeks ago

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Marz posted 9/14/2019 08:23 AM

I asked her why she would tell me she wants me, but continued to see him. She said she is in love with both of us and wants to be with both of us. That she can’t make a choice it’s too hard. Now we are up to date.

Bud, R takes 2-5 years with no guarantees. She's not even close to relationship material. She's a typical cake eater.

If you read around you'll see false R's, repeated cheating hapoens around here at least weekly.

Be careful about wasting your time and like on a high risk senario. Life is short and you don't get it back.

anoldlion posted 9/14/2019 16:02 PM

Your situation sounds EXACTLY like a song from the 1970's, by Mary MacGregor, titled "Torn Between Two Lovers". Pull it up on YouTube and ask yourself, "If you were single and heard this song for the first time, what would you advise the man to do". Then do what you advise. I do wish you well.

Unhinged posted 9/14/2019 16:31 PM

Hey there, RedDaddy. Welcome to SI.

I don't know what to say, brother. It's seems as if you've accepted the situation for what it is and that you're hoping she'll pick you. Generally speaking, the "pick me dance" never works. You give up the power to make decisions for your own life.

Is this really the sort of relationship or marriage you want with this woman? If not, then make a choice for yourself. I know it's hard with kids (I've got an 8yo). Still, that's no way to live.

I suggest that you tell your WW the same thing I told mine: "I will not be married to a cheater."

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/14/2019 16:54 PM

This is a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned.

Show her the door. This will happen over and over.

Do it.

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/14/2019 16:54 PM

Double post

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 4:55 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Ponus18 posted 9/14/2019 18:45 PM

I'm sorry for the awful situation you're in.

You can see from the advice here from folks who have seen it all that it's across-the-board consistent. What you're doing will not work.

You don't have any real choice - tell her that her actions show you that she's made her choice so good luck with the AP and have a nice life. Then move on with yours.

Will you reconcile in the future? Maybe. But certainly not if you stick around and allow this crowded, 3 person relationship to continue.

I wish you the best of luck.

WTFOVER posted 9/14/2019 19:15 PM

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Your fiance has showed you very clearly that she does not love you and that she is not fit to be your wife or even a girlfriend.

You are fortunate to see this prior to marriage and not a decade or two down the road. You know what to do.

dblackstar2002 posted 9/14/2019 19:20 PM

I have to agree with everyone her. You need to tell her, If you own the home to pack and go live with him, Because you are no ones second choice and you won't share your partner. Then wish her well and move on. Never allow anyone do disrespect you this way ever again.....

Serpico posted 9/16/2019 19:29 PM

You say you are working on your own self improvement. Bravo! I congratulate you on this because I believe that even though counseling, reading books and even seeking advice on a forum like this is very helpful ( and even necessary), focusing on your own betterment is the most therapeutic thing you can do in a situation like this. So, keep that up!

Now, I say with respect, why do you want to waste even a fraction of a second on someone who believes that an appropriate endgame for your relationship is to force you to share her with another guy?

She's having trouble making the decision between you or him? It's like DaninOH said, this just devalues you.

Make the decision for her and show her the door. Your kids will thank you in the long run for giving them an example of self respect to live up to.

Plus, a huge road block on your way to pursuing that self improvement that you are seeking will have been removed.

Peace to you brother!

Buffer posted 10/10/2019 03:05 AM

Time to let her go

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/10/2019 07:59 AM

She said she is in love with both of us and wants to be with both of us.

Pack her stuff up tell her, "Well, I hope you're happy with him. Have a great life."

Shove her to the curb.

Unless you want to go through life with a serial cheater.

NoOptTo posted 10/12/2019 07:22 AM

You've been given a lot of sound advice on respecting yourself. How are you processing this information? I know it seems as if your being bombarded with hard truths. It comes down to you. Are you going to show yourself the self respect you deserve? Show your children how your supposed to be treated in a loving relationship? How to stand up for your self? Or are you going to be her 2nd choice? Rugsweep her poor actions so you can stay as 1 whole family? Live life as a lie and let the inner turmoil eat at your self worth?

Take it all in. Right now if you leave, you only have to worry about child support. If you stay and marry her, your looking at spousal support also.

steadychevy posted 10/12/2019 08:14 AM

RedDaddy doesn't appear to be here anymore. If you are, RedDaddy, perhaps you can post and let us know. Otherwise there's no use talking to a vacuum.

Odonna posted 10/12/2019 10:36 AM

Yep, RedDaddy seems to be gone. But DaninOH I saw your post here and was wondering how you are. I went back to your thread to ask there, but it is closed. Maybe the mods can re-open it for you? I do hope you are doing well.

Phantasmagoria posted 10/12/2019 22:16 PM

She is 100% honest and up front about everything now.
No way, no how! She may love you, or at least the lifestyle you help enable the two of you to have, but she is not ‘in love’ with you. She is ‘in love’ with him, or at least she thinks she is!

Dismayed2012 posted 10/15/2019 14:58 PM

You have two goals here Red. 1. Get out of infidelity as quickly as possible and any way possible. and 2. Take your life back. You are doing neither by just living. You need to take action right now and get yourself free from this pain and agony. This woman is not your friend. She's not even your wife. She belongs to another man while you pay her bills. Don't allow yourself to sit this battle out. You are losing the battle right now but all it takes is you standing up for yourself and taking quick and decisive action to gain the upper hand. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and take the beatings. Get up, see a good men's lawyer, and have her served with divorce papers. Once that is completed, see how she reacts. She'll either run to the other man or she'll run back to you but no matter what, she'll be prompted to start running. You are the prize, not her. Take care of yourself like you would your best friend.

anoldlion posted 10/15/2019 21:10 PM

Your fiancé has declared that you are in an "open relationship" whether you want to be or not. She has let you know she is going to have her "man on the side" and you can accept it or not. You have three choices.

(1) Tell her that since she has another man then you are going to get yourself another woman . And mean what you say.


(2) Hang your head, suck it up, and let her continue to treat you like her personal doormat that she can use and abuse at her discretion.


(3) You can "man up" and tell her she can have her other man because it's over between you two. Then show her the door.

You are wasting a very precious gift...YOUR TIME. Time is something you can never get back once it's gone. Maybe the first 6 years were good but everyday since you found out has been wasted. If she does this before marriage just think what she will do, in the years to come, if you marry her. To the men I know this would be a "no brainer". Love does not mean you have to standby and accept sharing your SO (unless you are swingers). You are being emotionally abused. Do something for yourself. I do wish you well.

Endy posted 10/16/2019 04:26 AM

You deserve better, don’t accept this infidel arrangement.. Show her the exit door!you are the one loosing here.

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