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Head is spinning

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Hosea12 posted 10/12/2019 03:37 AM

This might be my first "official" post here, but I think this might be the same site I consulted many years ago when my wife admitted to having phone sex with a guy. (In light of recent events, I now think it was probably more than that).

I don't want to write a book, so I'll skip some details (hopefully not important ones):

WS and I married 17 years. 2 teenage kids. We're from different countries, much different backgrounds. Not a perfect marriage, but pretty good.

WS much more interested in sex than me. I enjoy it, would do it more, but she continually criticizes me as being boring, going to fast with no foreplay, or going too slow so she gets bored. I have always been affectionate, but guess not what she wants--she wants sex, kinky sex, in strange places (and dangerous places, like while driving).

Gradually, my wife has been talking more and more about "polyamory", watches shows about it. She sometimes jokes about polygamy and polyandry. Ha, ha. Not funny any more.

She admitted to having a Tinder profile, even showed it to me, with a fake name. This profile (assuming it's her only one) has fake name, and clearly states not interested in sex or sexting. Weakling me, didn't know how to react. To me, this is way over the line.

WS said she met guys through Tinder, just talking. Even more over the line.

I got suspicious. (Yeah, stupid weak me, who didn't immediately blow up about the Tinder profile.) Pretty easy to check on things. She was "careful" deleting texts, but didn't know I could view her texts online before she deleted them. Also, even when deleted, still call logs and text logs.

No out and out sexting, but texts tell guy to go WhatsApp. But what was texted bad enough.

Looked at Google location history, two addresses keep coming up, correspond with texts I've captures.

Complications: for years, WS homeschooled kids. A while back, when I went through some "career changes" (lost two jobs, really took a toll on me and her as well), started sending kids to public schools.

However, this year, back to homeschooling so WS and kids can travel to her country for several months to build up language skills. I supported this idea, somewhat reluctantly. They leave in less than two weeks for 4 months.

Now I'm finding out she's been unfaithful, and leaving our kids for hours to pursue her, ahem, "interests". Kids floundering with online classes, terribly behind.

The discovery has just happened over the last few days, and I've collected the texts and google locations. Not sure how to confront her. I was home from work today, and she left--and I knew exactly where she was going (confirmed w/texts and google maps).

Haven't met with lawyer yet. Trying to decide on confronting her now, at Christmas when I go see them, or when they come back in March. I'm really worried that the kids will essentially lose a year in school, because she's not doing a damn thing to help them. I try when I'm home--oh yeah, I also am dealing with trying to clean up my Dad's house, he just died in July (WS was caregiver to him, very good with him I admit.) And what if she does her hookups in her country? What happens to the kids?

I feel horrendous. I'm tempted to wait to confront her until I line up everything with the lawyer, but sick of how the kids will fare with her for 4 months.

Also, I fear (STDs)--and loathe--having sex with her again. But especially with her going for several months, she's likely to think I'm suspicious of her if I don't. (Actually, I stupidly had sex with her two nights ago, after I found damning texts and google locations).

Help me, please. I know this is totally disjointed and random. I could use some sound advice.

Stumblingon posted 10/12/2019 04:06 AM

I would be wary about confronting her before she takes the kids to another country. Before taking that step you should talk to a lawyer about preventing her from taking the children out of the country. In the event that she decided not to return it could be very difficult to get access to them depending on the country.

Confronting her before she goes but keeping the kids here with you might help her realise just what is important to her.

[This message edited by Stumblingon at 4:10 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Badshot posted 10/12/2019 04:16 AM

You have an unrepentant serial cheater on your hands. She has tried to manipulate you into agreeing to the cheating she has already done. There is little hope for reconciliation with her.

Do not confront your wife until after you have consulted a lawyer. The lawyer will absolutely tell you to use legal means to prevent your wife from leaving the country with your kids. Nothing turns the nightmare of a standard custody fight into true horror like conflicting international laws.

Plot a strategy with your attorney that gives you maximum time with your kids and minimum funds to your soon to be ex-wife.

Be cool but distant. Go through the motions of your regular married life, but skip the sex. Get your ducks in a row. Keep the end game in mind.

Never tell her all that you know or how you know it. She will try to blame you for her cheating, or attack you for "spying" on her. Don't fall for that crap. Your methods don't matter - her cheating does.

She is not your wife anymore...she is your opponent in an expensive divorce and potentially bitter custody battle.

Turn your heart off and brain on.

Carissima posted 10/12/2019 06:05 AM

Do not let her leave the country with your children, she may decide not to return and you will probably find you leave less than no rights to get them back. See a lawyer immediately to at least deal with this aspect of things!

annb posted 10/12/2019 06:11 AM

I agree with the others, I'd get into a lawyer's office asap. Please do not allow her to take your kids out of the country.

fareast posted 10/12/2019 07:24 AM

Get to a lawyer ASAP and do not allow her to take kids out of the country. Please take steps to protect yourself. Learn you4 rights and file for D. Your WW has checked out of your M. Always value yourself. Never give up your self respect. Your WW has disrespected you. She sees your lack of action with her Tinder profile and dating as weak. You need to take firm action. Good luck.

steadychevy posted 10/12/2019 07:46 AM

Interesting name, Hosea. Fitting.

Just joining the chorus. Don't let her take the children out of the country. Fast action required. Time is of the essence.

Freeme posted 10/12/2019 07:53 AM

Iím sorry but it almost sounds like you are willing to put your well-being (STDs...) and your kids wellbeing (school, grades, unknown guardians...) at risk because you donít want to risk her anger when you confront. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and get things arranged so she canít leave with the kids. Tell her she can go but not with the kids. Get the kids in public school ASAP. Focus on you and the kids- they are teenagers they probably know something is going on. They should know the truth in an age appropriate way. If she doesnít want to leave in her trip home can she live at your fathers? Donít you leave the house or the kids.

nekonamida posted 10/12/2019 08:16 AM

In addition to not letting the kids leave, it's much better for them to stop what's going on with their homeschooling now. It's still early in the school year. They have time to possibly transfer back to public schools or catch up. They will not get that chance in March.

DesertLily posted 10/12/2019 09:03 AM

First, let me say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. When we discover that our spouses have been unfaithful, the heart bleeds, heads spin, and our lives are waking nightmares. Please take care of yourself.

That being said, you risk losing your kids if you let her take them out of the country. Your WW already has one foot out the door. She lies and cheats. My personal opinion is that she intends to be there long enough to claim residency, file for divorce, and get full custody. And there will be next to nothing you can do about it.

Don't let your kids leave the country! Get a lawyer like yesterday.

Look, if she really cared that much about their education, she wouldn't be letting their work slide so she could go have sex with other people, because no matter what excuses she makes, that's exactly what she's doing when she leaves.

Look, people don't set up Tinder accounts because they're looking for platonic friends. Tinder is a hookup site. Her crap on her profile just makes her look harder to get, more of a challenge. But you already know she wants kink and some strange.

I know that you are in extreme emotional pain right now, but dig deep and find your anger. Use it to protect yourself and your children, and to get out of infidelity. You can do it!

Hosea12 posted 10/13/2019 08:25 AM

Hey, I really appreciate the responses and support.

I'm going to see a Lawyer ASAP to see what I can do.

Even if my marriage is over, I want to do what's best for my kids, have them with me (at least for a few short years until they're adults), in the home they love.

And whatever my wife wants, certain things are beyond her control. She won't be able to blame anyone but herself. Sure, I am not perfect, but I have never (nor will I ever) cheat on her as long as we are married (which won't be much longer, I think.)

And yes, the name "Hosea12" was a deliberate choice (not my real name). The verse (Hosea 1:2) hits pretty close to home now.

Marz posted 10/13/2019 09:12 AM

Act now. Stop making excuses to delay.

What's that gotten you in the past.

Just more of the same.

Wake up

Dismayed2012 posted 10/15/2019 14:49 PM

I'm with the others Hosea. Move quickly; don't delay; take action now and free yourself from this fiend of a person. Take your life back and find someone who's got at least a little moral backbone. Take care if yourself.

tushnurse posted 10/15/2019 15:47 PM

1. Take the kids passports and open your own safety security box at a bank.

2. See an attorney one that is knowledgeable about immigration law and divorce.

3. Call your Dr. Go get full STD testing. This will mean a physical exam and blood work. Anything less is not full testing. Explain to your Dr what is happening, and ask for a referral for a counselor for yourself, and your teens. This will be hard on all of you.

4. DO NOT confront her until you have the above things done. Do not have sex, tell her you don't feel well, or have a cold, or whatever, but don't have sex with her. 2 reasons, a. it will make your feel more bonded and confused. b. you are exposing yourself to whatever she has been exposed to.

KingofNothing posted 10/15/2019 19:03 PM

Man, they really know how to hurt us, donít they.

Josea you are getting good advice here. I donít need to repeat the same issues that everyone has found troubling again. You already know your children and your health are at risk, and you already are going to see your lawyer and doctor. Great! Iím merely adding my voice to the throng offering encouragement. I felt anger in your behalf reading your account, sir. You have every right to be angry for her betrayals. I just want to say, now is not the time for outward rage. Now is the time for icy detachment, cold and calculated planning, and most important 100% commitment to yourself and your children. It IS that important. Whatís about to happen will suck on do many levels. After you serve her, she will come at you with everything sheís got. Stay calm, give her NOTHING she can use against you. You already know about getting as much proof as possible. Save it in a secure location only you know about. Pictures, screenshots, texts... all of it. I couldnít agree more about not having sex with her, but you have to put in a good performance why. Donít make her even guess about you until the courier is on the way to serve her. Lots of things are going to blow up after that... stay strong. This group will always be here for you.

RubixCubed posted 10/15/2019 20:46 PM

Repeating Tushnurse's great advice.
Take the kids' passports and lock them away. That needs to be the #1 priority on your list.

Newlifeisgreat posted 10/15/2019 20:58 PM

Do whatever you need to do to keep the kids in the country!!!!

If she takes them, they are NEVER coming back!!

anoldlion posted 10/15/2019 21:25 PM

So what is keeping you from having kinky sex, with your wife, in strange and some time dangerous places. I know from experience that this can be really fun. Don't knock it until you try it. Acting out each others fantasies is good for a marriage. I do wish you well.

Hosea12 posted 10/16/2019 08:17 AM

Thanks again, everyone, for your advice and encouragement.

I've taken the kid's passports where she can't get them.

I spoke with a lawyer, who was supportive in some ways, not so encouraging in others (she indicated in my state the courts aren't likely to care much about adultery in the outcome of the case. God, what kind of system is that?)

I intend to confront her tonight. I don't plan on showing her the evidence I gathered (why give away my sources?) I'll tell her that we're getting divorced as soon as legally possible.

I'm debating whether or not to offer her a plan of reconcilement, if she's open to it, but only on chrystal clear terms and that reconciliation is by no means certain. I hesitate because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that. (I know divorce is hard, too--but the fact that since the "phone sex" incident years ago, it's clear she is not to be trusted.) If you think that reconciliation might be something I should consider, tell me why. I'm skeptical.

The hell of it is, is that I always thought she loved the children enough to put their needs before her own. Instead, she leaves them for hours at a time to drive a round trip of 70 miles to have sex with some worthless piece of shit. This, after knowing that leaving my kids--teenagers--at home, alone, with computer access, is totally irresponsible. We know that unsupervised, my son will explore porn, and my daughter--well, she's a naive kid that who knows what kind of predators she might find out there.

I'll probably encourage her to go ahead and travel overseas--alone--if she needs to clear her head. I'll pay for her new ticket back if she doesn't want to take the full 4 months. But I really don't feel like taking any other course but continue meeting with my lawyer and get the divorce papers drawn up. I don't want to fight for everything, I can be reasonable. But the home and kids stay with me (even if they spend time with her--without their passports.)

Oh, as to the kinky sex thing: I've been open to most things--but sex while driving? In my office where I could be fired if found out? Sorry. Kinky's ok; reckless is not. Endangering my life or the lives of other people on the road is not ok.

Gutpunch posted 10/16/2019 08:30 AM

I don't think you should consider reconciliation at this point.

You have already forgiven her once in the past and she didn't learn anything from it.

She had her chance to do right by you and blew it.

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