"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Why1976 posted 10/16/2019 01:01 AM

Hi there,
A bit of back history
I've been married 20 years and have three children
This isn't the first time this has happened, but there's a difference to this one.
All the other times (4) she was drunk. Which I know is not an excuse but it was only kissing bad but because I love her I almost saw these as if she was kissing family that she hadn't seen for a while.
And we all do things while drunk...

BUT THIS TIME THERE WAS NO DRINKING INVOLVED

She works at a site cafe with loads of guys

Lately she has been more secretive and hiding what she is texting
So I got suspicious and did a wrong thing and looked at her phone
There are a lot of messages that are encrypted from guys
When asked she said that she didn't know why these messages were encrypted and that it was the guys texting their orders in

But the was one text which had no name to it
And was quite intense

When I confronted her see said that she didn't know who it was.... THIS I CANT BELIEVE the messages where to personal

She smashed the phone in front of me

Since this happened I haven't slept eaten or wanted to do anything I feel numb and empty
I've always known that she is my soul mate
The other time really hurt but there was a face
This time as she said that she didn't know who it was is somehow worse it means to me that it could be anyone
She says that I haven't been paying her any attention and that this was exciting.but she swears that there was no sexual activity just texting.
I work hard 6 days a week and yes after hearing what she said I realised she was right BUT... that's no excuse to do this.
Everything I do is for her and my family
(I know everyone says that) but it's true

I took a job I truly hate to provide for her and the kids as a good husband should.

She saI'd that she was sorry and wants to make things right. Whatever it takes. After reading an article on here, she has said that she'll quit her job, that I can check her phone whenever I want..

Because I truly love her I agreed to give it a go.
But I'm still empty

And I know it's going to be a hard and long process
But then her boss called her and said that she needs her to work the rest of the week so she has time to find a replacement.
My WW said she won't do it unless I say it's ok

Three days and that's it she's done
I'm not happy about this but I guess trust has to start some where but I actually feel pain and my mind is hurling all sort of images and thoughts
I can't stop shaking

I want so much to sort things out

I have said to her that all I want is for her to be happy even if that's not with me
(IM SUCH A PUSSY) I haven't got a nasty bone in my body

But I'm so confused angry betrayed alone!!!

I've had family members died and I didn't feel this bad

Not sure what to do

I know it's not going to go away and that there's a long road ahead

But the fact is is there's no trust anymore
When I hear the phone go off or when she's using the phone I feel apsolute dread

Buffer posted 10/16/2019 01:24 AM

This sucks brother, sir you have come to the shitty club.
Accountable for her actions, she has done this four times before and has gotten away with it, why is this time any different?
Encryption messages, require electronic programs, she has it on her phone. This is a confirmation of her consciousness of her actions. No person sends a cryptic lunch order.

She gets caught and blames you because you are working 6 days a week in a shitty job so she can complain.
Nah that doesn’t cope it.
If there was nothing going on, why did she resign from the cafe?

She needs to start making you feel safe. Can she move into a spare room, undertake IC?
Get her destroyed phone. They can still recover most information from this but you will have to pay.
One put in to recovery service, tell her this is what you have done come clean now not when you have the documentation in front of you

Does she even want to remain? She is out but hasn’t told you

Good luck

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:28 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 10/16/2019 01:48 AM

Sorry man but you are setting yourself up for a repeat if this one even stops.

Better wake up and figure out what you want.

Don't think because you've found out it'll end.

Go online and check your phone bill. Only takes 15 minutes or so. His number will probably be there unless they were using an app.

You'll find her words won't mean much.

squid posted 10/16/2019 04:10 AM

It sounds like she's checked out of your marriage. You're merely there to provide a comfy place to land while she's out getting her jollies with other men.

You say she's you're soulmate but she clearly doesn't respect you at all. Is there a place she can go while you figure out what you really want? BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Is this how you want to live? Always looking over your shoulder for the next D-day? Because if she's not being proactive in trying to fix herself and without consequences from you, you're 100% headed for another D-day. History tends to repeat itself, just saying.

I agree you need to get her destroyed phone. You only have the tip of the iceberg. And not knowing the rest will gnaw at you. Her words mean nothing at this point.

Don't settle for something just because it's familiar and comfortable. She should be begging you to stay with her and she should be moving mountains trying to prove she's a safe partner for you. Sounds like she's doing to the bare minimum to try and keep on her hooks. Wake up.

Odonna posted 10/16/2019 04:30 AM

You said she read an article on SI? So she knows about this site? If so, have her read Neanderthal’s story, which shows how dishonesty damns a marriage even more than the infidelity.

Also get “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald and read that first yourself. Mark it up and give it to her with a short timeline to finish (it is short) and come talk to you. She needs to “wake up” to the fact that denial and lies will kill your marriage.

It is crack of dawn here now so I am heading back to bed, but will check in later.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/16/2019 06:00 AM

I'm sorry she has done this to you. She has never been a safe, committed partner to you. Drunkenness is not an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. If she has such bad boundaries when she drinks alcohol, she should stop drinking it.

She is not your soulmate. Soulmates don't cheat and lie to the one they supposedly love. They don't disrespect each other the way she did you.

If you want to get out of infidelity, you have to be firm. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't let her blame any of this on you. Doesn't matter how neglected she felt. That's a bullshit excuse. She needs to own what she did.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/16/2019 07:20 AM

Why, I'm sorry that this happened. Get ready for the biggest, most painful roller coaster of your life. Please navigate to the healing library in the upper left hand corner and look at BS FAQ and some of the articles that are there. It will really help you navigate the waters ahead. Trust me on this. I did the pick me dance for 2 months, and that is a lose, lose, lose scenario. Read a lot on this site. You'll find lots of similar patterns that will hold true in your situation.

Its the worst, and SI is probably the best map to help you navigate through what will be remembered as the worst time in your entire life.

fooled13years posted 10/16/2019 07:24 AM

Why1976

All the other times (4) she was drunk. Which I know is not an excuse but it was only kissing

Like a drug addict who needs more and more to experience the same euphoric feeling, she has been escalating her infidelity each time to experience the same sense of excitement.

Because this has not been dealt with in the past it appears as though you have given her the green light to take a further step each time.

You will find that there is, more than likely, more....much more than you know right now.

Many faithful women work in male dominated work places and do not cheat on their husbands. Likewise, many men work with a lot of other women and do not cheat on their wives.

This is not an alcohol fueled issue (although it appears she cannot handle the alcohol and should quit), a work place issue, an opportunity issue, or an issue caused by you.

This is her boundary and integrity issue and if she does not deal with it now I am afraid you will be back with yet another issue of her infidelity.

Tigersrule77 posted 10/16/2019 08:03 AM

Why1976, I'm sorry you are here joining us. It is not a fun place to be, but the people here can really help you.

First, you need to realize that your WW is a serial cheater and a liar. Do not believe anything she tells you. She is minimizing and covering her ass. You are taking her word for it that nothing physical happened. Why? Clearly she assumes that you are more likely to D her if she had a PA. So she has every incentive to lie about it and hide it from you.

If she didn't know who the encrypted messages were from, she would have deleted them immediately. No one keeps texts on their phone from wrong numbers. This is an obvious lie.

Please DO NOT ACCEPT HER bullsh** lies! Call her out on it until she gives you some EVIDENCE that she is telling the truth.

As for trust starting somewhere, it starts when SHE TAKES ACTIONS that shows you she can be trusted.

Why does she need to work the rest of the week? Because she tells you her boss wants her to. Did you talk to her boss? How do you know this is true? More likely she is going to use that time to cover her tracks, make other arrangements with her AP's, etc. Or at the end of the week, her boss will need her to work another week, and so on...

Your WW SAYS she will do anything to make it right, but what is she DOING? Her actions will tell you the truth, not her words.

GoldenR posted 10/16/2019 08:09 AM

If this guy is local, unfortunately there's like a 0% chance of this not being physical.

She is not remorseful in the least. Her blameshifting spells that out very clearly.

Plan your exit. See a lawyer. Get your ducks in order.

faithfulman posted 10/16/2019 08:10 AM

So the first 4 times she cheated she was drunk, but this time it was different because she wasn't?

I hope now you see it wasn't the drinking and nor was it different.

Your wife is a cheater, plain and simple.

DoinBettr posted 10/16/2019 09:12 AM

Make this an absolute requirement, she needs to tell you WHO THE IT WAS AND WHAT IT SAID!
You will suspect everyone and never feel safe if she can't get her head out of her arse to make that simple statement. (Um timeline is rule #1 and she knows it)
Ok, so you have already resigned to be second fiddle here. I can't believe you went, "Not a mean bone in my body." That means you are driving the pain and anger inside.
So, don't be mean, you move into a guest room. She needs to prove she is worth your love. She has abused it. She needs to earn it back. Don't give it away for free. You aren't mean no matter how much she cries. This is her showing you the attention. I bet that department has been lacking too. And she gave it to this mook for a few pretty words.

survrus posted 10/16/2019 10:37 AM

Why,

Kissing is physical btw, perhaps the most intimate act of them all. I don't believe you are talking about a kiss on the cheek.

It also sounds like your WW enjoys putting herself where she is likely to get lots of male attention, bars etc. More than that she chose a job were male attention is plentiful.

What I suspect happened is that she went underground after you caught her those times before, and she just got sloppy when you caught her now.

The smashed phone is reason enough for divorce.

Michigan posted 10/16/2019 12:30 PM

Everything I do is for her and my family

Why1976

You are so responsible and reliable that you have become her father and she is your teenage daughter. She may love you very much but she wants to see the bad boys you told her not to date.

Did the subject of divorce even come up? In my analogy divorce is kicking her out of the house. That’s the only leverage you have. She knows that daddy loves her an will never kick her out. She’s sorry she got caught and daddy was hurt but he’ll get over it.

I have said to her that all I want is for her to be happy even if that's not with me

Why1976

That's an unrealistic offer you made. She's not going to leave you for her boyfriend. No one else is going to pay her bills or put up with her kids like you do.

At least make her think that she can do something that could cause the concept of divorcing her to enter your mind.

It’s like the police caught her robbing a bank. She went to court and the judge didn’t even bring up the possibility of jail time. Why wouldn’t she continue robbing banks and be more careful?

I've had family members died and I didn't feel this bad

Why1976

Did your family members decide to die? Did their action betray you?

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:57 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

LemonCurd posted 10/16/2019 19:09 PM

She smashed the phone in front of me

Damn, destroying the evidence right in front of your face. Your wife is made of equal measures of lies and damned lies.

You absolutely have to be told who this guy is, might not even be her coworker. Might be a neighbour, a friend, one of your friends ,,,,

So sorry for you but there is no repairing this unless she gives you a name. If she doesn't tell her to move out and don't come back until she is prepared to be honest.

Name or divorce. Location sharing. Take her broken phone to a technician.

Buster123 posted 10/16/2019 20:00 PM

I'm sorry that you're here. You've been acting out of fear, your WW is an unremorseful SERIAL CHEATER, man up and tell her she's got 30 seconds tell you who OM(s) is/are, tell her to write a timeline of the whole thing otherwise you will file for D the next day (you have to mean it), once you have the basic details, EXPOSE her with ALL FAMILY and close friends and of course with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, get the smashed phone (you might still be able to recover the data), demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), don't forget to consult an attorney.

OrdinaryDude posted 10/17/2019 20:21 PM

1 - Soulmates are a myth.

2 - See a divorce lawyer, or three.

3 - Make decisions for you first going forward.

Keep posting and reading, you will get your legs back under you in time.

Justabranch posted 10/17/2019 20:56 PM

I've always known that she is my soul mate

I used to say this about my WW until she cheated. I no longer put that kind of pressure on myself. She couldn’t feel the same way about me and hurt me as she did. I always felt like I married up, but have since lost language.

You should too.

Beachwalker posted 10/17/2019 22:40 PM

Why: I am so sorry you’re here, but we’re glad you found us.

I have a WW who has cheated on me for 29 of the 30 years we have been married. I caught her the first time just after our 1st anniversary. The second time was just over a year later. I thought the STD she contracted, the counseling, and the embarrassment were enough to shake her and wake her up. I was wrong. She just got really good at hiding her activities, lying to me, gaslighting me, etc. She even had sex with a few men in our home while the children were in the next room. She is now up to 8 PA and 6 EA partners, and I am sure there are more.

Please, don’t be me. Listen to what these people are saying. I know the pain you’re in and it’s deep. If you follow the advice here and focus on you, things will get better. (That’s the good news.) You’re in for a crappy road ahead, but you can take steps to minimize the bumps, curves, storms, etc. And believe me, there are doozies coming! (Sorry to tell you that bad news, Mate, but they are coming and they will be bad. Strap in!)

We are here to help you. We all want you to have a happy, healthy life. Post often and keep us informed on what’s going on.

Remember that here, you are not alone.

ShutterHappy posted 10/18/2019 04:12 AM

She saI'd that she was sorry and wants to make things right. Whatever it takes. After reading an article on here, she has said that she'll quit her job, that I can check her phone whenever I want..

If she’s already here, tell her to not read or seek your posts. She might as well create an account and post in the Wayward section. The people over there are pretty good and will give her good advice if she’s willing to listen.

Also ask her a detailed timeline. All of her wayward behaviors, including the 4 other instances and the ones you don’t know about.

You and your WW have to understand that there can’t be any R without the truth. A lot of us here end up divorcing not because of the A, but because of the lies.

There can’t be a marriage without trust.

Post often.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:09 AM, October 18th (Friday)]