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Donít know what to think or do

Kurama posted 10/16/2019 09:45 AM

So my husband and I have been together for 6 years and for 2 of those years weíve been married (we are both men btw). I asked him to marry me when he decided to join the military for college and he happily agreed, it was one of the best moments of my life. Fast forward and we get our first duty station in Germany, I left my family and my job to go with him which I was happy to do!

Our first year was rough, him and I started drifting apart. We barely talked and our sex life plummeted. Whenever I tried to be intimate heíd say heís too tired or not in the mood and when I tried to show him affection heíd just sit there looking at his phone. I blamed myself because I thought he stopped being attracted to me and when I asked him he said he still was but it really didnít change anything. While all this was going on I became depressed, I had no friends or family and my husband was basically ignoring me. I couldnít get a job and I felt worthless.

One day I woke up and I wanted things to change so I started doing more things to be active and get out of the hole I was in and that same day my husband told me he wasnít happy and he was thinking about leaving me. I asked why he felt this way and he said he didnít feel appreciated and I stood there and told him that it was all my fault and Iíd do better if he stayed with me. He decided to stay and our love blossomed again just like when we first started going out. It was amazing my life was going up we still had some problems but for the most part I felt loved again and I did everything in my power to show my husband I love and appreciated him.

Fast forward a few months, Iím using his computer for something and I notice that he left his email open. I really didnít think anything of it but I noticed an email that was obviously from a dating/hookup site. It said that heíd received a message from someone. I immediately thought it was spam but it was in his inbox folder and it was marked important so I opened it to check and I found out that he signed up for this site and was using it two weeks before I found out. I did more gigging and found out he signed up for the site two month before I found everything. Devastated I went to the site and I signed up to see if it was some mistake but before I could even get into the site I had to verify my email. So I did and found his profile but nothing really linking him to it other then the email. Finally I signed out and almost gave up but I noticed that the site would email you a copy of your password if you forgot it instead of changing it. So I entered in his username and email and requested to get the password. They sent it and I logged into his account and found out he talked to two guys and I made sure it was tied to his email which it was. I was broken after finding all of this.

So that same day I waited for him to come home and I confronted him. He told me that he wasnít on any dating/hookup site and that heíd never cheat and even when I told him all that I found he still denied it. Things have been awkward now between us and I donít know what to do. I donít know for sure if he met anyone off the site because the messages donít really point to them meeting up but I still feel like itís not okay. I know that Iím not the worlds greatest husband but Iím trying my best and I donít know what to think or do about any of this.

annb posted 10/16/2019 09:52 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself here.

First, understand his actions are not a reflection on you..

Second, he's full of sh*t. He signed up for those sites, the funny thing is many cheaters deny even when the proof is staring them in the face. He signed up to hookup.

Go on the assumption that he has met someone, and get tested for STDs asap.

Cheaters lie, and they lie and they lie some more.

Have you checked the phone records/bank accounts for unusual activity?

You cannot stay in a marriage based on lies.

Trust his actions, not his words.

Please check out the Healing Library, tons of great articles.

Trust your gut. Always.

[This message edited by annb at 9:53 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 10/16/2019 09:56 AM

(((HUGS))) Please, listen to me.


This has absolutely nothing to do with you!

This is something broken inside of him. He would do it no matter who he married.


I am assuming you two are in a monogamous relationship? If you are, then:

1. Go get tested for STDs
2. Make sure you have some money set aside should YOU need to leave quickly
3. Make an appointment with the military base's legal office, to consult with an attorney to determine YOUR legal rights, both in divorce, and should you decide to remain there
4. Get a couple of Voice Activated Recorders. Put one in his car, keep one on you. This is to document your interactions with him.
5. If you are able to reveal who he is cheating with, don't reveal your sources to your husband. Keep quiet and keep gathering evidence. On the top left of this page is a yellow box. Read the Healing Library link. It's a lot of resources for you.

Cheaters LIE. Liars CHEAT. Remember this is what you are dealing with, not a regular person.

Read here a lot. It should help. Also, ask lots of questions, we've been through it too.

cocoplus5nuts posted 10/16/2019 10:19 AM

I will reiterate that his behavior has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. This is not in any way your fault. There is something wrong with him.

He is gaslighting you. It's an evil manipulative tactic to try to make you question your own reality. Don't fall for it. You know what you know. You've seen what he did. Yuh put don't need confirmation from him. If he's never been on a dating site, how does he have an account? That doesn't make sense. He's lying.

Stop asking him. Tell him that you KNOW what he did and you will not allow yourself to be treated that way. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

SusanneH posted 10/16/2019 11:08 AM

Hi, welcome, and sorry you've found yourself here.

I know this his the hardest time you've been through. Your head is probably spinning, not knowing what to do. You've been given some really good advice so far.

One thing I learned. ... I always said if my H cheated on me, that it was OVER, no questions asked, however, I didn't leave, and have learned that it's usually best not to make a move right away. Read, learn all you can. You can always leave ANY TIME, even years later for this reason alone. It's totally up to YOU, not him.

If he comes clean...all the way....and is willing to stop everything, be totally transparent (let you have all his passwords, have access to his phone, computer, iPad, etc....anything that could have incriminating information on it. If he does anything again, you'll see it. If he doesn't, then you'll know, too. I went through EVERYTHING, and learned more than I ever wanted to, but am glad I did, so I knew where we/he stood.

There are books to help, too. One, which my H has read twice now is: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I highly recommend it.

Others will help you more than I. I'm still learning myself, and my H & I are in R, and so far doing well, because he has committed himself to it completely.

Best of luck & (((((HUGS)))))

[This message edited by SusanneH at 11:09 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

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