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Help my wife had an affair.

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1Brokenman1 posted 10/16/2019 22:14 PM

Hello everyone I'm writing this because I need help. I've been looking through the forums for several weeks now and finally got the courage to post.

My dday was june 12th about four months ago. I've been married going on two years now (BEEN TOGETHER 5). If you look at the timeline my wife started an affair with a coworker of hers about 8months into our marriage. we married in october of 2017 and she had an affair from the summer of 2018- may 2019. I discovered the affair through an email. I'm really hurt I've been betrayed by my bestfriend. We've had arguements we talked about it and she basically said that she had the affair because i wasn't sexually satisfying her. WE DID have intimacy issues at first because i do suffer from premature ejaculation at times but instead of fixing the issues with me she went and had sex with somebody else and thought she was in love. She intially lied about somethings for example saying they always used protection and came back and later said they didn't two times at least. she treated me like a non factor basically for 8months. I thought it was her job basically because she always talked about it but most of the time it was actually the other guy. I consoled her when she cried and was moody when i thought it was work looking back now i can obviously see all the red flags but when you trust your partner you ignore the signs i guess. We decided to reconcile and we are on the right path now but it still hurts. I think about it all the time sometimes it consumes all my thoughts and other times i can go days without thinking about the hurt. it hurts me that she considered leaving me for another man,that she was sexually and emotially intimate with another man while i was neglected also the guy is married 8 years 4kids and he just had a baby earlier this year so he cheated on his wife with my wife their whole pregnacy it says something about them both . I confronted the guy day after dday and he begged me not to tell his wife because shes suffering from postpartum depression and i told him screw him and his wife because he didn't respect me or mine. i'm angry im embarassed and im ashamed even though i didn't do anything.Me and my wife are doing individual counseling with the same counseler. shes still working for the same company but took on a new position so she hasnt seen the guy since may. also me and my wife have no kids together. She is extremely remorseful and is really trying to help me heal. AM i stupid for saying? i feel really ashamed and embarassed what do you guys think what should i do? As i said earlier we really are going for reconciliation our relationship is on the right path but im just so angry and hurt what can help me out of this pain im in? Also somedays i really want to tell the guys wife im really hurt. i want to hurt someone. how is it fair im in this pain and the guys living his best life with his wife he literally got to screw my wife for no effort. Also during dday week i look on facebook guy is at freaking disneyworld with his wife and kids and i was comtemplating divorce

Thankyou in advance I'll take any help right now

[This message edited by 1Brokenman1 at 10:15 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Atrowspark posted 10/16/2019 22:25 PM

You have no kids. The time you've input into this relationship is short, relatively speaking. She cheated 8 months into your marriage... I would suggest that you divorce your wife and start over with someone new.

This is all on her, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve better and will find someone better for sure.


[This message edited by Atrowspark at 10:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

notanotherchance posted 10/16/2019 22:35 PM

Sorry your here my man but your WW is a real piece of work. Not even 8 months M & she's banging another guy.
Wouldn't put too much into her actions as looks like you were plan B after loverboy chose his family over the side piece. You found out she did not confess. What has changed in your dynamics to ensure this does not happen again & she takes another lover to satisfy her. Is she still working with the POSOM if so that needs to change pronto as there is a very good chance the A has continued during her "remorse" period.
You tell the OBS not for revenge but because the OBS has every right to know what happened then she can decide what to do, that's a right every BS has. If the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you want the OBS to contact you.

Best of luck with your self entitled princess I think your going to need it.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:36 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 10/16/2019 22:37 PM

She cheated that easy in the marriage? The capability is there to do it again.

I confronted the guy day after dday and he begged me not to tell his wife because shes suffering from postpartum depression

What's to stop them from doing it again? By not informing his wife you may just enable them to do it again. Tell her without warning your wife.

If they work together they'll still be in contact. Affairs are addictive so don't be surprised if they continue.

I doubt shes remorseful either. Probably just regret at getting caught.

You have a lot to learn. Keep reading

landclark posted 10/16/2019 22:41 PM

AM i stupid for saying?

I think everybody who stays, including myself, is a little stupid. Only you can decide if this was a dealbreaker for you. Youíll have a lot of people saying no kids, move on, and at one point I would have been one of those people. However the decision to split your marriage isnít easy, kids or not.

If sheís truly doing the work, then maybe she can turn around. Maybe you can successfully R. Maybe not. Thereís no rule saying you have to decide today though. I gave myself a year from dday to see how I feel.

However I will say his wife deserves to know.

Beachwalker posted 10/17/2019 00:08 AM

Broken: I am so sorry you are here, but Iím glad you found us. You are going to get a lot of helpful, wise advice from people who have been through this crap, so listen to what they say. Take what advice works for you and leave the rest. Only you know whatís best for you, for only you know ALL the details. There is no way you could possibly post them all here. Tell us what you can so we can give you better tuned input.

My wife cheated on my in our 12th month together, before our 1st anniversary. I know how you feel, and my heart goes out to you. After my WW was caught the first time, 12 months later she was out with another man. After being caught the second time, 12 months later she was with the first AP, again. I didnít learn about the Aís starting back up for the 3rd time until 25 years later. In that time, she had PAís with at least 8 men and EAís with at least another 6, and picked up an STD. She and AP1 were on and off for 29 of our 30 year M. Am I saying your WW is going to do the same thing? No, but she certainly is starting down that same path. Donít follow me. The pain is too great Ė you donít want it. Am I saying you should D your WW? Only you know if thatís the right thing to do.

So what am I saying? You need time to process this new information and all the feelings. Do NOT get caught up in R Ė it is too soon for you to determine if you want to stay with this woman. It takes 2 functioning adults for a marriage to work, and right now your wife is not functioning. Yes, continue IC. She will need more attention and for a longer period of time than what you will need. You both require healing and help adjusting to the new ďrealityĒ. Additionally, she will need to figure out ďwhyĒ she gave herself permission to cross that marriage boundary.

DO tell the OBS. He made the conscious decision to cheat on his wife. It will be he who destroyed that relationship, IF that happens. NONE of this is your fault Ė NONE! Exposure is great at destroying Affairs. Part of the lure of an A is the secrecy, and once that is destroyed the A no longer has the draw it once did.

DO require she find another job. If she is still working at the same company as he, you can bet all your donuts they are still in contact using the companyís media, a place you have no access and their conversations can continue IN SECRET.

DO contact a lawyer if for no other reason than to learn your rights should you S or D. Plus, if she finds out you went to an attorney, that might shake her up a little bit. There is no need to advertise that youíre going or that you have been.

DO require she voluntarily provide you unlimited access to all her media, email accounts, social accounts, everything. She needs to divulge all her passwords and IDís, and even reveal any secret accounts she may have established.

DO get checked for STDís. I will bet you 2 large meat loverís pizzas this is not his first A, and who knows what heís carrying or whom heís been with. And, of course, if you ask him about any prior affairs heíll tell you the truth! RIGHT!! She needs to get tested, as well. NO SEX until she provides you a clean bill of health.

DO NOT waste you money on MC right now. It is too soon for either of you, much less both at this time.

DO have her write a complete and detailed timeline. This is just as much for her as it is for you. If she wants you to forgive her, you need to know what you are forgiving her for. For her, it is an opportunity to divulge what she has been doing and expose this secret life she has been living.

There is much more for you to do, even this early in. If you will focus on the advice and follow it, it will help you through this really rough time. I am so sorry for you. We all want the best for you, whether R, S, or D. We want you to be healthy and happy, and weíll help you as much as we can. Post often, even if itís just to vent.

And remember that here, you are not alone.

Mene posted 10/17/2019 00:28 AM

Tell the other betrayed spouse NOW. You have to tell her. Do not tell your wife you will do this.

No kids, short marriage. My advice ALWAYS when you donít have kids is to RUN.

Also, get STD/STI checked.

Premature ejaculation: you premature because youíre over excited, dude. She should see this as a compliment that youíre excited to have sex with her. But is using this excuse. Your premature ejaculation will be overcome once you have familiarity with her sexually. THERE IS NO EXCUSE to cheat. Period.

[This message edited by Mene at 12:30 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 10/17/2019 00:51 AM

Broken, Iím so sorry youíre here.

What is she doing to truly help you reconcile the marriage? Do you have full transparency, has she read the book Ďhow to help your spouse heal from your affairí, is she in individual counselling? What is she doing?

What are you doing to help yourself heal?

Iím going to say this, this AP and your wife are awful people. They betrayed you but they also betrayed a woman who was pregnant and had young children at home. Your wife knowingly went into an affair that could/will destroy their innocent world. I think you need to clearly remove any rose tinted glasses you have on and truly see your wife for who she is and then ask yourself how is she trying to fix such a seedy, cruel, entitled and selfish part of herself.

I hate to say it but unless youíre seeing real work from her, on fixing her broken, Iíd run a bloody mile!

And it goes without saying NONE of this was your fault! You could have met all her bloody Ďneedsí and she still would have cheated because sheís selfish and entitled.

Just so sorry youíre here.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:52 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

cannotforgive posted 10/17/2019 03:08 AM

Please, please tell his wife. She had been exposed to STD's while pregnant( your wife might not be the only lover POSOM has) and could be now breastfeeding her baby.

She has a right to know what is going on in her life and how to protect herself and her kids.

I am sorry you have joined our club. All the emotions you feel are normal. There is a lot of information in the Healing Library, left hand corner.
Take your time and work on the emotions induced by the infidelity trauma. Only you can decide whether to stay or go, however it is easier to move on and heal when you do not have many years invested in a relationship and kids in the middle.There are good women out there....

Tim3167 posted 10/17/2019 04:37 AM

The only thing I will add is I really feel you each need separate therapists for individual counseling.

I did the thing with using the same therapist for IC and it really was couples counseling with an odd dynamic of seeing us separately.

My wife had some deep behavioral issues and when I saw the therapist he really couldnít separate himself from wanting her not to hurt and even talked to me about not bringing up the cheating to her as it hurts her.

The point is you need an impartial therapist to work through your response to this trauma. Couples counseling can come later when she figures her shit out and not say stupid shit like she threw her moral compass out the door because of anything to do with you .

Edited to make sure I convey how bad us seeing the same therapist really was for me. I think her trickle truth and lying continued because of this and it probably set us back years. Some of the stuff he said to me still messes with my head to this day 4 years later.

[This message edited by Tim3167 at 4:45 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/17/2019 05:22 AM

Please inform the OBW (the asshole's wife) as soon as you can. Do it without first telling your WW that you will do so. If she confronts you, you'll know they are still maintaining intimate contact and she has feelings for him.

It's the decent thing to do. You'd want her to tell you if the tables were turned.

It's not about you "hurting" the wife. The asshole did that when he fucked your WW. You're simply giving her the decency of knowing the truth.

As to your WW, sexual infidelity that early in a marriage is a bad sign. Normally the first part of a marriage is when the love is strongest. If you have children with her, any sexual issues you have will be magnified times 1,000. Your WW is extremely shallow and selfish to cheat when she did, how she did. She will be a crap mother, which requires a person to be selfless. Please don't make babies with an immature selfish person.

Did she know about your sexual issues before you were married?

1Brokenman1 posted 10/17/2019 05:30 AM

Hello everyone just want to say thanks for the posts so far. Like first week I required, her to take an std test which she did and everything came back negative. Iknow hiv can take up to 3 months to manifest so. Iíll go get a test on my own or make her go on her own. Also the the therapist Iím seeing I feell she has been really helpful but Iíll give it a try with someone else and see how everything is going. My wife has answered all questions Iíve had tried to be affectionate more often she apologizes often and started doing the things again that she stopped during the affair. Also I do feel sometimes I should tell the guys wife but Iím just too ashamed What if she exposes this how do I live with this itís hard enough. With just 5 people knowing me my wife the OM One of my close friends and our therapist. I ijust feel Iím carrying around a huge weight. I donít think the affair is still going on because Iíd like to think my isnít stupid enough to continue. If so maybe itíll be the push I need to get the heck on. Me and my wife are 27,28 no kids. Itís just crazy to me that she actually thought she could have a life with a guy whose married with 4kids and a new born baby. I told my wife that this may have been your first time cheating on me but it definitely wasnít his. Also sheís still looking for a new job but there is no chance of them having contact right now because they donít work at the same physical location. I have all her emails passwords. And I will be looking through our phone records to see if thereís been contact

Wool94 posted 10/17/2019 05:48 AM

I'm sorry you are here.

Let's clear one thing up right now. You're premature ejaculation problem didn't cause her to cheat. She didn't cheat because you left the toilet seat up too many times. Hell, you could've been Hitler for all it matters. None of those things are the reason she cheated.

She cheated because she's a broken human being. Hurt people hurt people.

I'm with 99% of the rest of the people on this forum. You need to inform the OBS right away, without telling your wife that you're doing it.

Always do what's right. That way she can start making the choices she needs to make in this life without the POS AP making them for her.

annb posted 10/17/2019 06:11 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

First, the other guy's wife needs to be informed. Her health is at risk and she deserves to know she is married to a lying cheater.

Second, your wife didn't have an affair because of anything you did or didn't do, she had an affair because she wanted to. Period. No excuses, no placing the blame on you, she owns her own actions.

I have to agree with a couple of other posters, you were in your honeymoon phase, and she cheats. I would seriously think about a future with her because I'm afraid this is going to be your life.

She has shown you who she is, please believe her.

puffstuff posted 10/17/2019 07:09 AM

ask yourself some important questions -

just what is it you'd be taking back?

is what you are taking back worth the years of mistrust and suspicion that you face ahead?

also - if she is remorseful now, what about in ten years time when resentment has built. are you goign to trust her then?

i was like you in the early days. i will be divorcing my wife. there is a big difference though - she refused to leave the OM. at least it still seems like you have some choice.

I honestly don't believe cheaters are overall good people. they treat people like objects. ponder that. ponder exactly what she has done to you. and then ask again - just what is it that i will be taking back?

good luck fella.

Butforthegrace posted 10/17/2019 07:09 AM

Keep in mind the POSOM is a seasoned cheater. This means he is a practiced liar. You believe his betrayed wife had post partum depression. The source of this information is a cheating, lying asshole who fucked your wife. An asshole who begs you to do him a solid and keep his lying secret. What kind of solid di he ever do for you? Um, let's see, he fucked your wife.

Booyah posted 10/17/2019 07:31 AM

First off let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this position. It hurts like hell being betrayed by the one person you least expect it from.

Next as others have pointed out you have to tell the OBS. It's not done out of revenge but because it's the right and moral thing to do. Wouldn't you want to know if the roles were reversed? Of course you would.

As for your wife. My friend you are not married to a mature adult but rather a child who is ALL about herself. So her sexual needs weren't being met so she said "F you" and went found another man to meet those needs??? SERIOUSLY!!!

What happens when you don't do something else that doesn't meet her needs...for example you don't empty the dishwasher enough.,,,is she going to pout and go spread her legs for another man?

This is NOTHING to be ashamed of and all she's done is show you that she does NOT have your back and thus is NOT a safe partner.

No kids I say kick her to the curb.

Life is too damn short and tough to go through it with having a child as your spouse.

Also cheaters lie their ass off so DO NOT take her word that she went to the Dr to get checked. I would go with her and demand to see the medical results.

TELL THE OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE!!

Make sure they hear it from you as I'm sure her piece of shit husband has told her you're crazy and is checking her emails etc so she doesn't hear anything from you.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/17/2019 07:56 AM

When an affair happens, the marraige is dead. There is no reviving it. It is a corpse you are Dragging along with you. Leave it be. If you two work things out and stay married, it will be a new marraige, a restart. I don't think anyone would recommend that with the short amount of time you've been married, how fast she started cheating, and the fact that you two have no kids.

My advice, D and move on. But make sure you use birth control always till you figure out what you want to do. Don't plan on any kids with this lady for a while.

Tigersrule77 posted 10/17/2019 08:08 AM

1, I too am sorry you are going through this. It is very hard.

I have to agree with many of the others. You need to see an attorney and protect yourself. You can file now and should your WW prove to you that she is worth R, you can stop it later.

You are jumping into reconciliation way too fast. I suspect that your WW is doing things to make you feel better and minimize damage to her. She tells you she is sorry to protect herself.

Also, you absolutely need a different counselor. Your IC should have told you this is a conflict and shouldn't be doing this.

Tell the OBS. It's not about revenge. As others have said, any BS would want to be told their partner is cheating. Also, you will feel a lot better about yourself. Think about this, right now, you are helping AP and WW hide their A. Is that how you see yourself?

Take control back for yourself. Start taking steps to protect yourself and put yourself in charge. It helped me greatly when I decided I was no longer allowing the A and XWW to control me.

puffstuff posted 10/17/2019 09:14 AM

"As for your wife. My friend you are not married to a mature adult but rather a child who is ALL about herself. So her sexual needs weren't being met so she said "F you" and went found another man to meet those needs??? SERIOUSLY!!!"

this and this again.

good people don't do this - full stop. A person with empathy and concern, especially for those they are supposed to love the most, just don't do this.

you will read a lot of "reconcilliation industrial complex" stuff on the web about affair fogs etc. there is no money in the Therapy Industry saying "kick this person to the curb".

your "sexual problem" meant her fucking another man. what kind of person is this? well - it's the kind of person who fucks someone else when the partner has a sexual problem. THIS IS WHO THEY ARE. the mask is off. Deep, deep within her, this is who she is.

if she had a "sexual problem" would you start fucking around? if not, why not? what is it in you that would prevent you from doing that? i suggest that what prevents you is actually what might be missing from her.

my wife fucked around. 100% she has an a) empathy problem and b) an accountability problem. some would even say personality disordered.

either way, when i look into her soul in light of her behaviour i just see too much darkness for me to want to get near her again.

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