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Help my wife had an affair.

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1Brokenman1 posted 10/17/2019 09:16 AM

Okay so far everyone recommends I get a new IC. I also I want to tell his wife but Iím really scared I agree she does need to know. How do I tell her I can find her on Facebook should I call do a face to face meeting how much should I disclose everything I know or just that they had an affair and the length? How do I live with the same if she tells everyone how do I face my coworkers my family my friends? Iím going to try to find the courage to let her know this weekend. Also I think my wife is trying to minimize the damage but I agree I initially didnít want to tell the guys wife because itís so hard on us now will letting her know be good for my marriage or bad? Also you guys also agree that I should tell the mans wife without telling

LtCdrLost posted 10/17/2019 09:25 AM

Sir, your wife was having sex with another man for fully half the time you've been married. What exactly are you reconciling yourself to? Get out before you have kids and find escaping this person to be a far more difficult and complicated affair.

Mene posted 10/17/2019 09:28 AM

You are showing a lot of weakness. You need to empower ourself otherwise your wife and her lover will step all over you. And theyíre probably continuing the affair.

Yes, you tell his wife. Immediately. Reach out to her via FB. Send her a message via messenger. Let the woman know. She needs to know for health reasons. Donít tell your wife youíre doing this.

What she does with that information you canít control.

And who the fuck is the asshole to tell you not to tell his wife. He fucked yours and heís dictating to you what to do? Stop giving him the power to control you.

And why do you feel embarrassed? You didnít have the affair.

I strongly advise you to leave this marriage. It is a short marriage and you have no kids. Imagine having children and finding this out how difficult the circumstances would be.

Find a woman who will not cheat on you.

[This message edited by Mene at 9:33 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 10/17/2019 09:54 AM

1BM1, this was a year long affair, very good odds it has been longer. Think about that....that is an attempt at creating another life. That is hard to come back from, very hard.

You have to sit back and really digest what that means, the feelings that are shared over that time between two people, the enormity of the sex involved and the connection being made through that sex between your WW and her AP. The throwing away of the BS and every promise made together.

Fishin4happyness posted 10/17/2019 10:13 AM

"will letting her know be good for my marriage or bad?"

Just know this, this guy and your wife have no reason to stop this affair. You've been bullied out of exposure by this D-bag. How "good" is your marriage now? If you don't put your foot down sooner than later, you're going to be raising this guys baby with your wife.

Buster123 posted 10/17/2019 10:17 AM

1Brokenman1 I'm sorry you're here, now let me tell you that you're very naive if you think they can't communicate through work, all it takes is her or him dialing her or his extension and voila !, there's no way you will have access to the company's phone records, also workplace As are notorious for "lunch quickies and BJs" in the car or a nearby motel, we've seen it here on SI and other forums THOUSANDS of times, very common.

Nothing kills an A like FULL EXPOSURE with ALL family and close friends and without warning your wife, telling OBS also brings another set of eyes to help with NC, once you expose the OM will most likely drop your WW like a hot rock in an effort to save his own M, also it's the right thing to do, she deserves to know.

However, my sincere suggestion is that you just file for D, her betrayal was huge, she put your health at risk for almost a year this early in the M, bail now while is relatively "easy", you have no kids, life only gets more complicated, you deserve much better.

Robert22205https posted 10/17/2019 11:52 AM

Make the timeline subject to a polygraph test. The prospect of the polygraph saves time wasted lying.

Tell the OBS and do not warn your wife or the OM.
Otherwise they will talk with the OBS and label you jealous.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/17/2019 12:57 PM

Update I messaged the obs on fb telling her that I have something to tell her regarding her husband Iím waiting for a response

Buffer posted 10/17/2019 13:15 PM

Time to tell.

You are doing the right thing brother, as you stated she has the right to know. Tell her everything.
Have you seen a sex therapist/medical practitioner about you bedroom issue? They can only help.

Good luck

Sharkman posted 10/17/2019 13:18 PM

Good job messaging her! Taking action is the *best* thing that you can do right now!!!

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/17/2019 15:12 PM

Good she deserves to know the truth instead of living a lie. Also don't feel ashamed anout your "wifes affair". Thats 100% on her. Let the posom feel the shame.

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/17/2019 15:12 PM

Good she deserves to know the truth instead of living a lie. Also don't feel ashamed anout your "wifes affair". Thats 100% on her. Let the posom feel the shame.

HellFire posted 10/17/2019 15:19 PM

When she responds, ask her to call you so you can verify you have the right person, and so you know verify you are actually telling her, and not her husband, who might have intercepted your message.

Be kind. Stick to the facts. Offer her a copy of any evidence you have. Tell her everything you know. Refrain from saying negative things about her husband. She may defend him,and start to think you have some grudge against him,and she may doubt what you say.

Do not say a word to your wife. She isn't supposed to be speaking to him. So,if she says something about you telling his wife, then you know she's been lying about NC.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/17/2019 16:10 PM

Another update. About 30mins after I messaged her my wife texts me and calls me like call her. Sheís asking what did I do. Whatís going on and things like that while I say I have no idea whatís going on. She calls me and says that the. Other man got an employee to call her and asked her to call him itís regarding your husband Itís really important suspicious right? Iím waiting for her to come home So I can check her call logs to verify I realize I canít trust anything she says. She basically asks me what I told her and stuff like that and I basically questioned her how did she know and blah blah. And I basically said Iím tired of living a lie and she deserved the courtesy of knowing the truth one that I wasnít given. She explained that if this is what I want to do continue telling her but reconciliation maybe harder on us if everybody
Knows. I responded this is to help me heal and to clear my conscious. The other mans wife called me on Facebook
Messenger just asking for everything I knew and how she was extremely grateful for the info and how this wonít leave from us. The said the postpartum depression was obviously a lie among other things. She also said that he lied. And said it was only one time a one night stand . I find it really funny itís like obviously only 3 people know and one of them message your wife and told on you and like your still lying! Thatís a small breakdown of what happened but I want to thank you all so much I feel like a weight has been lifted I feel relieved I feel like Iím in such a better place mentally!

DoinBettr posted 10/17/2019 16:20 PM

Other man got an employee to call her and asked her to call him itís regarding your husband Itís really important suspicious right?

Ok, you need to find somewhere else to sleep tonight or kick her out. That is a clear breach of trust. You need to tell your WW that the second you contacted the OBS she answered the AP.
Then she came at you with accusations instead of compassion. I would boot her or leave. It sends a message that you are in control here and will do what you want with your end of this affair.
She doesn't control the outcome. You will hear even waywards on their forum talk about how that is the biggest hang-up for a WS. They need to realize each person is in control of their half of the marriage.
Your wife even threatening R not working. You should have laughed and said R is your choice not hers. R is you swallowing everything she did and loving her in spite of her screwing you over.
She just showed she is still in the fog at a minimum. At worst, still in contact with AP and it just got back to him.

Fishin4happyness posted 10/17/2019 16:22 PM

Keep that communication open with OBS and pieces of the puzzle will start to drop into place. Dates and times and bull shit stories you have questions about can be bounced off each other. Your cheating spouses are going to start shitting themselves. Don't tell her about this place yet because all four of you will be here.

Seriously, if she got some crazy message from a co-worker about you, why wouldn't she call you? They are in contact, which should be a deal breaker.

[This message edited by Fishin4happyness at 4:30 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 10/17/2019 16:28 PM

Congratulations on notifying the OBS.

Your wife is very broken to cheat (especially so soon).

She's also cruel (and stupid) to justify her affair on you not satisfying her sexually.

No kids? I suggest you find a woman that respects and values you.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/17/2019 16:29 PM

Please Broken

Get away from her

You're saddling yourself with horrible baggage

This is 2019, you don't need to

Butforthegrace posted 10/17/2019 16:34 PM

You should not have used FB messenger to notify the OBW. Giant mistake. The AP is almost certainly watching her FB and intercepting those messages. Your element of surprise is now completely gone.

Your wife is full of crap. The collective crowdsourced wisdom here is that exposure kills affairs. Keeping it a secret allows it to fester, like mold.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 4:36 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 10/17/2019 16:37 PM

Get a var asap. A voice activated recorder. Carry it on you at all times.

Wayward wives are notorious for filing false DV charges when they feel their husbands are standing on their own 2 feet.

Get the var. In the meantime,download an app.

Two things. He called her himself,and told her you had contacted his wife. She called you, FOR HIM, to find out exactly what you told his wife, so she could tell him,and he could do damage control. That call from your wife was all about protecting him.

Reconciliation will not be harder because his wife knows. Continuing the affair they have taken underground will be harder,now that his wife knows.

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