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Help my wife had an affair.

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HellFire posted 10/17/2019 16:39 PM

Did his wife actually call you on messenger,or did she message you?

Dragonfly123 posted 10/17/2019 16:42 PM

Broken, thatís AMAZING! Well done for giving that betrayed spouse her choices back. Well done for protecting her from further emotional, mental and physical abuse! You did a great thing today, her reaction of gratitude was testament to that.

Now you need to do you. Itís worrying that your WW was contacted so quickly by the AP but that could have been him reaching out to do some damage control, her story stinks though and is a huge red flag. Check those call logs and really forensically examine.

Then please read all you can on this site, the healing library, peopleís individual stories and get to grips with what a truly remorseful spouse looks like. If she doesnít fit the bill then you really do need to get those ducks in a row. This affair has shown you a very unpleasant side to her, if sheís not prepared to take a good look in the mirror at a woman who would cause so many people pain (two betrayed spouses, one of whom was pregnant at the time) then sheís not worthy of you!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 4:46 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

1Brokenman1 posted 10/17/2019 16:44 PM

I actually spoke to his wife it started off as messages and then we had a long conversation. Again thank you all for the insight. Iím really naive. I obviously know that. He called her to try and figure out what I did. My wife said an associate called her saying the AP. Needs to talk to you regarding your husband. My wife told me. Which is obviously probably a lie. That she was worried that something. Had happened to me or that I did something crazy so she unblocked him and called him. I will look at the phone records and see whatís going on but I never thought that she was trying to get information for him so he can do damage control. Either way the AP WIfe knows everything whether she chooses. To do with it I have no control

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/17/2019 16:45 PM

"AM i stupid for saying?"

YES!!!

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/17/2019 16:45 PM

Double post

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 9:16 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 10/17/2019 16:50 PM

Broken, we were all niave at first. I was a total idiot. I hate how infidelity changes you, strips your innocence away, but there you go. Donít be too hard on yourself. Youíve listened and are learning fast. Youíre doing a good job! Just keep posting and asking.

oldtruck posted 10/17/2019 17:12 PM

Need to expose the affair to the HR dept, CEO, and
the Board of Directors, asking them how they are
going to prevent NC being broken between the
WW and the OM.

Jimmy1962 posted 10/17/2019 17:21 PM

1Brokenman1
I am 57, I have been married for 38 years, I have children, I have grandchildren, I have assets, I have many good memories, and I have security. I have seriously thought about leaving all of that daily since learning of my wifes 10 month affair fron 23 years ago. If I were in your position, I would be gone.
Today, you are as young as you will ever be!

Mene posted 10/17/2019 18:03 PM

Exposing the truth to his wife is the best thing you could have done. A weight has lifted off your shoulders.

Please take heed of the advice people are giving you here.

Your wife is constantly manipulating you. She continues to lie. We told you exactly what was going to happen if you contacted his wife. It was going to get back to your wife.

If I were you Iíd send an FB message to your wifeís lover and tell him that youíre not done yet with giving his wife ALL the information you have. Let him know you donít care what he thinks. You are in control. Like he was when he was going behind your back having an affair with your wife.

Now, read this carefully: think hard about your future. Can you trust your wife again? Imagine having children with her how difficult the path of dealing with infidelity would look like?

You are young. The marriage is only a couple of years old. You have no kids. RUN.

Buster123 posted 10/17/2019 18:31 PM

You did great, it's obvious they were still in touch, now EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends, without warning of course.

PSTI posted 10/17/2019 18:52 PM

I'll let the others here handle the rest, but I wanted to drop in and ask if you've seen a urologist about the premature ejaculation. I only saw one comment about it and NO, a partner should never take that as a good sign because overexcited, etc. It often signifies that there is a health issue present.

It was absolutely not a reason for your wife to cheat on you, but you will likely want to have yourself checked out regardless of whether you take her back or move on without her, so that you can improve your sex life with a future partner.

If it's not a physical cause, there may be psychological issues in play and a sex therapist could help with those. PE can definitely put a damper on your sex life and you deserve better than that for yourself.

GoldenR posted 10/17/2019 18:52 PM

Call her bluff. Tomorrow show up at her work and tell her you want to verify with the associate that he called her. Don't let her go get him. Demand to walk with her.

She won't do it bc he doesn't exist.

She's still in contact with him and still in the A.

Buffer posted 10/17/2019 19:06 PM

Brother keep on wearing the big boy pants. You have nothing to be ashamed of, your spouse is the cheater not you.
You need to exspose this A to the light. Cheaters are cockroaches, when exposed to the light they scurry away. Immediate family on both sides should be told to help support you.
WW is still in contact with OM and is gaslighting you. If she has any issues with you telling the OBS simple: letís go to her HR with the work place A. She has no say who you can talk to regarding her as she has lost that privilege when she laid back and guided her lover into her.

Her only call is does she want R or D? Nothing else of how this is achieve. If she wants R and you cannot get the mind movies out of your head and think S or D is better for you. You tell her! If she truly want you she can fight for you. Is she willing to move jobs? Probably not she doesnít want the hassle.
She is very self centred. The emotional cheating probably pre dates your wedding day.
Speak to a lawyer about an annulment.
Let her know this as she has to know that you are not just letting her call the shots.

Again the recovery is about you. She doesnít get to morn her OM or her affect on their family unit. She was fully aware of the results of their actions and made the conscious decision to bang this man. She sheds not one tear for him in front of you. They both ruined two marriages.

Good luck D her and find true love.

[This message edited by Buffer at 7:14 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 10/17/2019 19:21 PM

About 30mins after I messaged her my wife texts me and calls me like call her. Sheís asking what did I do. Whatís going on and things like that while I say I have no idea whatís going on. She calls me and says that the. Other man got an employee to call her and asked her to call him itís regarding your husband Itís really important suspicious right?

Smells like a big lie to me. The one thing cheaters have in common is they all lie a lot.

They work in the same company man. They are ways to contact that you can't detect. Company phone, email and chat.

The one thing you did right was inform his wife. You can never cockblock an AP. I've never seen that workout. It usually just enables it further.

You are quite young and a bit naive. Take a look at your wife's reaction. She's more concerned about herself and AP than she is you.

I hope you don't get to learn a hard lesson in your future but with her reaction it doesn't sound good.

Better see reality instead of what you want to see.

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/17/2019 20:46 PM

Brokenman -

Please use paragraphs.

Two, do the 180. Read about it in the healing library.

Three, treat your wife like she's dead and a ghost has come back that can somehow communicate with you.

In other words, treat her like she's not there. Take care of you. You, get it?

Man she cheated on you for almost a year. And all that crap about using condoms? Forget, they've had unprotected sex since day one. Oh, and the number of times they bumped bellies? Multiply times 100.

To me, this is a no brainer. Run from this cheating slut as fast as you can.

It's only going to happen again, and again, and again.

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids.

ShutterHappy posted 10/17/2019 20:59 PM

Infidelity is one of the hardest situation youíll have to deal with in your life. The spouse you love more than anything betrays and hurts you; your brain says one thing and your heart says another.

Understand that what your WW did has nothing to do with you. She is now a newly married woman who cheated on her husband with a married man with a bunch of children, and you are a faithful husband.

You have all the cards so to speak. You can decide to grant her the gift of reconciliation or decide to divorce.

When your WW says this:

She explained that if this is what I want to do continue telling her but reconciliation maybe harder

Sheís worried about herself, her reputation. Cheating is an incredibly selfish act and she is still thinking about herself which is not very good for reconciliation. Remember that when you tell others, it is not you who is embarrassing her. She did the act, she is responsible for what she did, 100%

Exposing helps reconciliation because exposure kills affairs. It also forces the wayward to face what they have done.

I have to agree with many posters here: cheating so early in the marriage doesnít look good, in the long term for your marriage and itís probably best to cut your losses and run.

But the most important part is to take control of the situation and decide what is best for YOU, regardless of what your WW may say, threaten or do.

Stay strong!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:00 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/17/2019 21:11 PM

Jimmy-

"I am 57, I have been married for 38 years, I have children, I have grandchildren, I have assets, I have many good memories, and I have security.

I have seriously thought about leaving all of that daily since learning of my wifes 10 month affair fron 23 years ago. If I were in your position, I would be gone.

Today, you are as young as you will ever be."

Oh man, 39 years married here and my wife had a ONS (at least that's all I know about) two years into our marriage.

I still wonder sometimes if I should bail, but the logistics make it too hard.

I can't imagine your pain. I found out the day after.

Fist bump buddy. You have to be one strong guy.

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 9:15 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 10/17/2019 21:11 PM

Double post

[This message edited by Bladerunner2054 at 9:12 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

DeWittle posted 10/17/2019 21:28 PM

She's still in contact with him and still in the A.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This!

Brother, weíve seen this here a thousand times and your WW is following a script. If they are in contact THE A CONTINUES. You have got to quit given her the benefit of doubt, she lost that, every word out of her mouth is a lie. Believe nothing she says and half of what you see, is the rule at this state.

Another rule, the easiest answer is generally the truth. You contacted OBS (congrats on that, BTW, HUGH step) and POSOM called your WW. (Equals:) They were still in contact because they took it underground. You just busted her, again.

Stay in contact with OBS, she is your ally in this.

Sorry for your pain.

DeWittle posted 10/17/2019 21:38 PM

And donít get me started on the threat that exposing will make R harder. NO, continuing to fuck POSOM is gonna make R harder.

Iím sorry but you are not in R, you are trying to rug-sweep. You need to stop and follow the great advice youíve been getting. 180 and detach, SEE a lawyer!

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