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Help my wife had an affair.

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standinghere posted 10/18/2019 02:35 AM

You have received a lot of good advice so far. Sorry you are here, and sorry we are all here. I'll just emphasize my thoughts on some aspects of your initial posting.

my wife started an affair with a coworker of hers about 8months into our marriage

You have found out how she deals with life, and it isn't good, she deals with her "issues" by betraying those who trust her the most. RUN BEFORE SHE AND YOU HAVE KIDS TO DEAL WITH WHILE SHE BETRAYS YOU.

she had the affair because i wasn't sexually satisfying her

No she didn't. That is a cop out comment blaming you for her behavior. You could be a fucking Adonis and the greatest lover since Adam and she'd still have cheated on you. If she wasn't sexually satisfied, she could have worked with you on that and gotten satisfied. Cheating doesn't lead to satisfaction.

We decided to reconcile and we are on the right path now but it still hurts.

She's in full self protection mode. She is not protecting you, she is protecting herself.

the guy is married 8 years 4kids and he just had a baby earlier this year so he cheated on his wife with my wife their whole pregnacy it says something about them both.

Yes, it does, and think about that for a while. Do you want to be the spouse with kids and the cheating wife in a few years?

FWIW, I'm that guy 18 years ago, my wife cheated on me after we had 4 children, 18 years ago now, and put me through Hell when she did it and after discovery and D-Day. I couldn't figure out what was going on, I have 4 kids all under the age of 8, my wife is ignoring me, I can't figure out what is going on, my family is coming unraveled, and I'm trying to hold it all together and save my family. I'm wondering what I did that was so bad that my family is collapsing. That is what that is like. Let me tell you, his wife is in a special Hell, post-partum depression is the least of her worries.

he begged me not to tell his wife because shes suffering from postpartum depression

Tell her. I wish someone had told me so I would have been able to deal with the shitstorm of lies and sandbagging I was getting in a realistic fashion, it would have saved me YEARS of confusion and grief.

also me and my wife have no kids together. She is extremely remorseful and is really trying to help me heal.

She can't be that remorseful at this point, she can't have progressed that far in realizing her behavior's impact.

i really want to tell the guys wife

Tell her, and don't let your wife know before you do. Don't let him know before you do. Do it with kindness, honesty, and in the best way you can, but let her know what is really going on in her marriage. It will at the very least let her know that she isn't a failure in her marriage, it is her spouse that is the issue.

i feel really ashamed and embarassed what do you guys think what should i do?

Only you can decide. She used you and she engaged in the willful destruction of another family, what else has she done that you don't have a clue about?

ShutterHappy posted 10/18/2019 03:53 AM

also me and my wife have no kids together. She is extremely remorseful and is really trying to help me heal.

She can't be that remorseful at this point,

I agree. A majority of the time, a WW is "in love" with the OM, and upon discovery, either the affair is stopped temporarily or is taken underground. Itís rare that you read a spouse is selfishly cheating on Monday, terminates and affair and shows great empathy on Tuesday.

You had further proof when you contacted the OBS and your WW called within 30 minutes and threaten you. She worries about her boyfriend. Your WW behaves exactly like other cheaters.

What you read here on SI is the voice of experience. Itís worth a million bucks.

Let us know when your WW despise the OM and doesnít care one bit what happens to him. Tell your WW that you will go to HR and watch her reaction.

At a minimum, talk to a lawyer so that you know what divorce would look like.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/18/2019 23:05 PM

Hey I got another update for you guys. I checked my wife phone log and her associate did call her followed by the former AP. He obviously was calling for damage control my wife said he asked what are we trying to do, (my wife had no idea i sent the message i talked over the phone to the OBS later during the day) she said he asked her why I'm doing this and why i waited so long. I literally lol'd at this you screwed my wife and now your wondering why I'm telling crazy right?

I come home tell my wife everything that happened telling her how a weight is lifted off of my shoulders and how I'm in good spirits and how i felt disgusting keeping this secret. I was also happy because the OBS was rational and said that she would keep this down to us and not put it all across social media.

My wife basically tells me that she thought we were moving forward and now it feels like were taking steps back, and I'm just like how i feel amazing, my mental health seems well, my conscious is clear. We go to bed my wife wakes me in the middle of the night saying are you going to leave me because I'm too calm about the whole situation ( she actually said this earlier during the day when i explained what happened also) I mean shes having panic attacks shaking crying snotty nose, saying I'm going to leave her I replied no as of right no i am not leaving but i have the right too and a smarter man probably would but I want to work on our marriage. I obviously find this whole situation crazy because all i could think about is her affair was continuing with the other guy and i think when he called her he basically cut it off because hes trying to save his family so now shes sad about it (all of this happened thursday night until early friday morning like 2am.

This next part takes place tonight about 30 minutes before i type this. I tell her that her story checks out that the associate called her to notify her to call the A.P. and that she didn't initiate contact. I also asked did he say anything to try to get you to talk me out of telling his wife everything because 20minutes after i messaged the A.P. WIFE my wife was texting me asking me what did i do, what did i say, and reconcilation maybe harder if everyone knows, she also said that it gets out shes going to have to quit her job, and am i ready to provide for us on one income. ( i felt she was trying to guilt me into not telling everything) My wife basically tells me that i should have notified her that I was telling so she wasn't surprised. I told her that she shouldnt have answered the A.P. CALL PERIOD and she tells me that she was worried about me the associate told her that the OM said it was about your husband its extremely important. Now my wife said that she don't trust me because of it LOL, AND EVEN though she messed up that she thought we were building our relationship right back and that trust she had for me is now gone now we both dont trust each other. I replied it wasn't your decision it was always mine to tell and its not something i need to consult you about. I then get on her telling her i didn't tell her because she would have tried to talk me out of it then she says i lost some respect for you because a man would have came to me told me and then still went with his decision.I then told her i been telling her that i wanted to tell but i was too ashamed and i did nothing wrong and i said even now i just want you to say (my name) you did nothing wrong you shouldnt feel ashamed but you do and if this gets out you probably will feel more ashamed but you shouldn't you did nothing wrong. She responded with im just telling the truth i was just trying to be honest with you and protect your feelings. I HONESTLY CAN't EVEN BELIEVE THE THINGS SHE SAID TONIGHT SHE'S REALLY TOXIC I REALLY THINK I NEED TO LEAVE. She's really trying to preach like were not in this situation because of her in the first place. IF You read this until the end i really appreciate you PLEASE give me feedback.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/18/2019 23:12 PM

I ALSO forgot to add i told her I'm on a website and there is lots of info and articles saying how to heal. She says that i believe everything i read on the internet and at some point she asked why do i keep bringing up stuff on the internet because at some point i said healing is a process and according to statistics healing from an affair takes about 2 years on average she was just like you believe everything you read. Also i told her another reason i told the OBS WAS to save our marriage because affairs die when the OBS knows. She said she doesn't agree and it doesn't make sense because if the other person spouse leave won't the A.P. come back to the other person. I told her only a food would leave they're spouse and that person would break off the affair to keep their marriage together. AT THE END of the conversation i told my wife she doesn't seem remorseful and she doesn't understand the magnitude of the hurt and problems she caused.

Atrowspark posted 10/18/2019 23:14 PM

You are wasting your time, she's not a candidate for reconciliation. She is thinking of herself and not of you.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/18/2019 23:17 PM

I'm really starting to understand that I'm just really shocked like how can she not get it?

Odonna posted 10/18/2019 23:37 PM

Right this minute, YOU focus on you. Take some deep breaths. If it is daytime , look at the sky, even if it is gray. If not, close your eyes and imagine a place you love.

You are getting good advice to be strong and determined. It is very hard. But you can do it!

Buster123 posted 10/19/2019 00:32 AM

Your WW is no R material by a very long shot and is not showing an ounce or remorse, btw have you demanded she gets tested for STDs (you should too)?

Buffer posted 10/19/2019 00:32 AM

Keep this up, sounds like by letting the OBS know of the A, it has ceased (for the time being).
She is still in denial regarding the magnitude of her actions to your feelings and marriage.
Sound like OM is on the back foot.
You have no responsibility to inform your WW of your actions, tell HR if you feel it will help you heal, again she has to be made accountable for her actions. And she knows this.
Start a 180 now, get her head out of her own ass!
Why hasnít she changed jobs yet. Did she used the excuse Ďl am looking and will leave when I get something betterí Again nah, she is stalling so to be able to collude with AP to control the fall out.
She says her respect has dwindled because you contacted the BOS. Bullshit, what respect was she showing the marriage when she was manipulating you so to continually sleep with the POS. She has no respect for you or herself. Work on your 180 and show her you respect yourself, and the boundaries of your marriage.

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:49 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

1Brokenman1 posted 10/19/2019 01:10 AM

Another small update my plan is I have a meeting with my therapist in the morning talk things over with her
1.) do a 401k loan with my job so that I have cash on hand Incase I have to move out suddenly.( I have about 3k cash in a separate savings account)
2.) change the password to that account
3.) look up good lawyers in the area and what a divorce looks like for me
4.) learn what a legal separation looks like because I have no idea what it does basically.
5.) start looking for affordable apartments in my area so when I move out or have to leave suddenly I have somewhere in mind already

Anything else Iím missing??

Dragonfly123 posted 10/19/2019 01:34 AM

Broken, Iím impressed with your progress in just a few short days. This is a roller coaster so you need to hold onto your current clarity.

Your wife is entirely unremorseful, thereís a book called Ďhow to help your spouse heal from your affairí which lays out what a cheater who is remorseful and who wants reconciliation looks like. Your wife is far from that.

Your plan forward is a good one. Iíd add in just keep reading. Your posts are reflecting a man who is reading and has a wealth of affair knowledge behind him, keep that up. Knowledge is power. Concentrate on an exit plan and healing yourself. Exercise, focus on the things you love doing.

Your wife is clearly very unsafe for you right now and this bullshit reaction to you telling the OBS makes that clear.

A remorseful spouse would have accepted what you needed to do to heal. They would have respected you for it and understood that they put you in an awful position in the first place.

Youíre doing well, stay on your path!

Mene posted 10/19/2019 01:37 AM

She said to you you should have told her first before telling the OBS. You should have told her perhaps she should have asked you first before fucking the other man.

These waywards are pretty fucking self consumer idiots.

Sharkman posted 10/19/2019 02:58 AM

Broken - that is a solid plan!

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 03:13 AM

1brokenman1,

From what you are describing, your wife was in love with the OM and still has feeling for him, but she was hoping to put all this behind her and move on with the relationship with you. Sheís afraid that she lost her BF and now is losing her husband too.

She wanted to "rug sweep" the whole thing, (e.g. donít tell anyone and letís move forward).

She only worries about herself right now and has no idea how this impacted you.

are you going to leave me because I'm too calm about the whole situation

When you stay calm, you stay in control of the situation. You are doing great. I suggest you calmly tell her something like this:

"Wife,

You are free to date any man you want, but not as my wife. You want to date? You are free to divorce and date to your heartís content. The OBS kicked the OM out and the OM wants to see you again? No problem! We can just divorce.

What I will absolutely not do is compete for my wife affection with another man. I do not accept this.

For me to ever consider R, you will need to reestablish trust. Do your research. Read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". Figure it out.

Right now I need time and space to heal and figure out what I will do next"

Maybe your WW will turn around, maybe not. She may not be R material right now but it could change. Either way, you are moving out of infidelity. Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well. Talk to your friends and/or close family members and let them support you. You canít deal with this alone.

Go ahead with your plan (except separation, separation just allow Waywards to continue their affair).

Make sure you delete your browsing history so that your WW doesnít discover this site.

Right now youíre in the thick of it and youíre doing well!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:18 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

JS84 posted 10/19/2019 04:44 AM

You're doing great. Just a couple of bits of advice though. You should stop reassuring her you're not leaving even if ultimately you don't. She needs to sweat and think about the consequences of her actions. One of which is potentially losing you and her marriage. I'd also stop telling her so much about what you're thinking, planning, what you've done, what you're reading, who you've been talking to, what they said, this website, your strategy, etc. You're giving her WAY too much information unnecessarily. Which can wind up working against you.

[This message edited by JS84 at 4:50 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 10/19/2019 05:15 AM

Your wife is still in the wayward mindset. It's all about her. You don't matter so much.

Now you are waking up and seeing things more clearly.

Keep going.

Trdd posted 10/19/2019 08:04 AM

You are on tbe right track. Shutterhappy just gave you some great advice in the post a couple of spots above. Read that carefully. If you do it, what you will be doing is directly confronting your wife's continuing selfish behavior. She is making this about her and not about healing you. She cries in the middle of the night wanting to keep you but her actions aren't yet aligning with that emotion.

By keeping up a strong stand and confronting that behavior you will hopefully help her realize that she needs to shift her mindset and attitude and behavior if there is going to be any chance for reconciliation. She thinks you are sliding back in healing because you are no longer a party to any of the rug sweeping she wants to do. I would tell her that. I would tell her that there will be no reconciliation if the only thing she is willing to do is rug sweep. As shutterhappy said, she needs to pull her head out of the fog and get about the business of healing you as well as fixing herself and making herself safe for the marriage.

Butforthegrace posted 10/19/2019 08:17 AM

Suggest that your wife read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. If she starts following the advice of that book, it will be a clue that she is putting in an effort. If she says the book seems "wrong" or "heavy handed" or such (or if she refuses to read it), you'll know for certain she is remorseless.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/19/2019 08:37 AM

I will definitely keep my mouth shut on the help Iíve been reading about on her and online. I will give her an ultimatum like this book is a necessary if weíre even thinking of going somewhere and I am now realizing sheís still in that mindset trying to avoid consequences of her action, rug sweeping, and just blaming me for responding to a mess sheí created in the first place. Also I checked phone records again you know that associate who called her in the first place on Thursday they spoke 1-2 mins per call. Then the A.P. Called this was around 1pm. The same day at about 5:30-6pm that same number called and they talked for 30mins. Last night after we had the arguement i
Left the house to go to the gym to clear my head she called that same number and spoke for 20minutes. I know this because I looked at the incoming out going calls on our att bill. Iím not sure if itís going to match up to her call log on her physical phone because she may have deleted it. Also I feel that number maybe another number for the A.P. And she just changed the name in it to an another name. I will use a reverse phone directory to check who it is registered to. A friend of mine will also call the number like itís a wrong number to see who answers.. what do you guys think? Either way something is definitely still going on. Another possibility is she could have used that number to tell whoever it belongs it to pass the message to the A.P. Or he could have even been using the girl phone to communicate while they were at work

BeyondRage posted 10/19/2019 09:04 AM

Brokenman

A whole bunch of people who have been through this have come to the conclusion that your wife is more concerned with protecting her boyfriend than worrying about you.

The first step from what i have learned here is NO CONTACT and she has refused to honor that one. The next one is TOTAL TRANSPARENCY and she fails that one too.

Now add in the short time you have been married and that she gets pissed off that you dare possibly fuck up the OM's homelife, and I have to also ask WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO RECONCILE WITH HERE.??

No one knows for sure but the odds are she is still in contact with him which you suspect.

Time to get ANGRY my friend and in your case present her with divorce papers. So far, she has given you no reason to do otherwise.

I hope not but if you do not do something drastic I am afraid you are headed for another D Day.

And DO NOT tell her you are on this site.

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