Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Help my wife had an affair.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 09:05 AM

Itís common for Waywards to put their AP in their address book with a fake name, sometimes of the opposite sex (in your case, the AP would be under the name of "Alice")

You could put a VAR in her car.

Here at SI, we are quick to jump to conclusions. It may be nothing, it might be the AP. Like a drowning woman, sheís looking for a lifeline, you or the AP.

If you throw an ultimatum, you have to be willing to follow through. My XWW once told my son: "Youíre grounded for a month". I asked my son: "Youíre not worried?" He said no, sheíll forget by tomorrow.

Like others have said in other stories, R and D are parallel path which split at some point. The most important part is that you keep on moving out of infidelity. She doesnít get out of the fog? You walk the D path. Nobody is perfect, we can stumble at the beginning BUT Her time is limited... she will have to do work soon or youíre gone.

Or... you can D right now. You have the choice. In that case you donít need to play policeman anymore.

Stay calm, but firm

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:06 AM, October 19th (Saturday)]

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 09:10 AM

Oh another thing: if you are walking the D route, talk to your lawyer before thinking of outing them to her employer. It might be in your best interest that she keeps her job should D happen.

InvoluntarilyCuc posted 10/19/2019 09:29 AM

Just divorce her and walk away with your dignity. If you dont you will regret it in 10 years.

BeyondRage posted 10/19/2019 09:34 AM

Oh another thing: if you are walking the D route, talk to your lawyer before thinking of outing them to her employer. It might be in your best interest that she keeps her job should D happen.


Please read that again. If you divorce and she has no job, the likelihood that you get hammered worse is great.

You need an attorney for advice PRONTO

puffstuff posted 10/19/2019 09:43 AM

No kids?

Run for the hills amd dont look back.

Let her go.

M1965 posted 10/19/2019 09:46 AM

I checked phone records again you know that associate who called her in the first place on Thursday they spoke 1-2 mins per call. Then the A.P. Called this was around 1pm. The same day at about 5:30-6pm that same number called and they talked for 30mins. Last night after we had the arguement i
Left the house to go to the gym to clear my head she called that same number and spoke for 20minutes. I know this because I looked at the incoming out going calls on our att bill. Iím not sure if itís going to match up to her call log on her physical phone because she may have deleted it. Also I feel that number maybe another number for the A.P. And she just changed the name in it to an another name. I will use a reverse phone directory to check who it is registered to. A friend of mine will also call the number like itís a wrong number to see who answers.. what do you guys think?

What you know, beyond a shadow of doubt, is that your WW is actively colluding with her affair partner as soon as you are out of the room.

Yes, it is wise to place voice activated recorders in several rooms of your house, to provide you with some insight into what you wife is doing. Nanny cams can provide something similar.

However, you also know that you hold a lot of power. If you make an appointment with their HR manager, and demand action to be taken about the workplace affair, what is your WW going to do?

My advice to you is to have confidence in yourself and what you know, and do not listen to the blatant and crude attempts of your WW to control you (for example, If you tell people about what I did, it will make reconciliation harder).

The reason she said that is because the more people who know about the affair, the harder it is to have the affair.

You are ahead of the game because you have not allowed her to use these statements to control you. She has repeatedly engaged in victim blaming, gas-lighting,and outright lying. Those actions in themselves are a form of confession, aren't they?

It is a shame, but you cannot trust anything she says or does at the moment. She is still totally committed to her affair partner, and actively lying and misleading you. Many thousands of people here, both men and women, have been abused in similar fashion.

We all got crapped on. We all survived. You will too.

DjDjani posted 10/19/2019 11:52 AM

Short marriage,no kids,divorce and find a fatefull wife who will love and respect you. Do you think that you deserve a wife who will love you and respect you? If you do think that,just divorce and find a new wife.

Happenedtome2 posted 10/19/2019 13:09 PM

Sorry you are here but wow you are coming out like early Tyson on this.

DO NOT do anything with your 401k, retirement, pension, etc until AFTER you speak to a lawyer. Your lawyer will know how to protect these things if you proceed with D. Taking cash out now may be interpreted as a sign of trying to hide assets.
Like others have said, if I were in a no kids situation I'd have hit the bricks as soon as I found out.

The1stWife posted 10/19/2019 13:27 PM

Sometimes you have to stop trying to fix broken people. You have to accept her for who/what she is.

If you value yourself you will face the harsh reality. Because to end it now with no kids means you never have to speak to or see her again. If you wait with kids and a house and an intertwined life - financially - you are looking at more money to spend to get the Divorce plus alimony and child support AND having to talk to her to co-parent.

Crumbled paper can only be restored and smoother out just so much / but it is still not perfect. And you may not know but the likelihood she will cheat again is high if sheís not remorseful and doesnít address her issues.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:02 PM, October 20th (Sunday)]

1Brokenman1 posted 10/19/2019 13:47 PM

Talked to my only friend who knows the exact same thing I told you guys.. had to get out of there Iím staying in a hotel for the next 7 days. During this time Iíll be apartment hunting. Next session with the therapist is coming up we usually do IC but the therapist wants us to do it together next time, but I have to love me more than I love her during that time Iíll tell her Iím moving out

ShutterHappy posted 10/19/2019 14:49 PM

Talked to my only friend who knows the exact same thing I told you guys..

Perfect

had to get out of there Iím staying in a hotel for the next 7 days. During this time Iíll be apartment hunting.

Why is it you that have to move out?

Next session with the therapist is coming up we usually do IC but the therapist wants us to do it together next time,

Do individual IC, not marriage counseling.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/19/2019 14:53 PM

The argument we had I donít want to be bothered with her right now I kinda want space. Also I am in individual counseling but the counselor recommended us doing one together to air out this big argument that we had. Iím actually looking up apartments as we speak

J0ck posted 10/19/2019 16:46 PM

mate your not naÔve any more.
your making a lot of good moves, keep following the advice given it hasn't been wrong yet.
good luck

Marz posted 10/19/2019 16:54 PM

My advice to you is to have confidence in yourself and what you know, and do not listen to the blatant and crude attempts of your WW to control you (for example, If you tell people about what I did, it will make reconciliation harder).

The reason she said that is because the more people who know about the affair, the harder it is to have the affair

Wise statement

NoOptTo posted 10/19/2019 18:10 PM

Time to start protecting your assets. Open a new bank account with only your name on it in a new bank. Talk to a lawyer to see if its advisable to pull half combined savings from joint bank accounts. Cancel any joint credit cards. Begin monitoring your credit rating to see if WW tries to open any new credit cards with your name on it. You have been married so short that a hit on any 401k will be minimal in the long run. You should be able to pay her out on that come final D. But you need to pay down any family debt aka joint credit cards. Your both required to pay 50/50 of family debt unless you negotiate something different during D process. You may want to take on said debt in order to get something else in return. Only you know what is important to you.

Stay focused right now. You will have time to grieve your M after you get things started to get out of infidelity. Stay in control of your senses right now and do what you need to do for you. Your WW tossed you aside for POSMM. Take care of yourself now.

1Brokenman1 posted 10/19/2019 19:40 PM

Iknow you guys have been through this before but iguess itís just so hard right now I was reading through the 180 and I plan to implement it. Like I lost/ loosing my bestfriend Iknow I need to detach and dump thereís a part of me thatís clinging to that little bit of hope. I checked her phone records today and there has been. No literally contact from the other man besides when someone else called on her behalf. Now I feel like Iím making excuses to justify this i I have a couples therapy soon and some individual therapy coming up Iím also looking up apartments iguess Iím trying to cover all my bases but itís like why doesnít she get it?

JOHNY posted 10/19/2019 21:19 PM

help neeeded extreme urgent

Hi , am in state of confusion and mix feelings now, just found out spouse in affair and connecting with others (few people from vaious places) online. this never seem of her side before.

question how should i react? , should i confront? as i amin state of crazy feelings mix..

if so how?

shall i confront and share her bad side with all kids etc

shall i confront the people involved as not to bother my spouse as my rights?

she left, she said as she's not happy with since ages and been confiding to others to my sad and surprises as well.

i neve wanna s separation or divorce but anything i do to reconcile or talk on this will be backlsh upon me and all the way i will be blamed for everything

she felt that she been used and not getting happiness she said etc etc and many other issues on me me me me me. bt does this gives the right for her to have affairs and contact other man?

on same note als having some financial challenges right now and i ask how cod you decide to leave when the time that i need all the support esp emotionally support she said not happy with me and want out.

she said its time to make her ownself happy now enough of pleasing others and at times she felt like maid etc , at the house and taking care of the kids.

she was working before but we both areed she could sop and take care of the kids etc focus whilts they growing up.

all these whil if ever we were to start discuss n this topic i/ll get blamed and i sincerely said that ok i admit if any wrong etc ive done etc etc and seek forgivenessas i may not be a perfect human.

but never even once she will admit her flaw or even say anything like me , infact if i were to share, she also has a lot of things that i wasn't pleased as well and i also never been given all th elove and affection that she use to give as well.
others, i see, she may felt bored and no one to talk too it seems. but does that gives rights to go online and chat and and seacrh for others etc?

am in state of despair now, she left saying she going for work far away overseas. in actual fact she just wanna get away from me she said thats why she left, but she asked me "why do you think i left?" - which i cant think f what to reply..just silent

so i am seeking some feedback how to see this issues and what to do and how best t apporach to bring her back to me as my love for her seems never dies, yes admittedly many mistakes i may have done etc, but the only one wishes to patch up and self reflect is me.

shes said she dont give a damm if i asked her not to be selfish or look into the mirror etc.

so now am in grave situation and would really need advise on how best to handle and resolve this. she said she'll be back only in mar 2020. (looks like shes looking for a perfect love from elsewhere, pretty sad and to see if she find em and see what to do next?). so should confront? coz am enraged! and could we save after confront. p/s she caught me having conversation with a girl (i know & met her elsewhere acquainted thru friends) online too before once, long time ago but never with many people etc etc and that also didnt grow to anything and i just first time experience exploring fb. others i dont have anyone else etc etc just work trying best but still challenging.

kindest heartfelt thanks ya all..love always



Mene posted 10/19/2019 23:40 PM

JOHNY,

You need to start a new thread. So members here can address your issues and help you.

[This message edited by Mene at 11:40 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

goalong posted 10/20/2019 07:51 AM

Johny,

Hi , am in state of confusion and mix feelings now, just found out spouse in affair and connecting with others (few people from vaious places) online. this never seem of her side before
she said its time to make her ownself happy now enough of pleasing others and at times she felt like maid etc , at the house and taking care of the kids.

My approach - give her sense of real separation like D. She will come to light how a person just known to her for few months can compensate for that. So long as cheater knows there are no real consequences from BS, they can keep enjoying cheating

[This message edited by goalong at 7:52 AM, October 20th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 10/20/2019 22:03 PM

3-5 years to rebuild trust if ever.

No kids? You deserve better - continue to distance yourself.

She has a lot more work to do than just NC.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy