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A Renewal of Vows?

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36yearsgone posted 11/4/2019 11:05 AM

Last night MY (f?)WW suggested to me that we renew our wedding vows.

Hereís her logic:

A renewal of vows will be just like starting over. No secrets. No infidelity. No grudges. We would reenter marriage with a clean slate. If we have a clean slate it will be much easier for us to move on as a couple.

Does her logic hold water?

layla1234 posted 11/4/2019 12:01 PM

My WS wants to do this and then take a real honeymoon. It sounds good in theory but I also need to know everything so I'm still waiting. I haven't been satisfied with his timeline this far and he is working on another since he is in the right headspace now (his words).

I don't know how to feel about it. He once loved me so much that infidelity was never a question and somewhere along the way that changed. I don't see any reason for that not to happen again. That trust is gone forever.

KingRat posted 11/4/2019 12:03 PM

If there are actions to support those words, sure.

Ripped62 posted 11/4/2019 12:21 PM

What has she done to eliminate the wayward behavior. How is she helping to rebuild the marriage?

gr8ful posted 11/4/2019 12:23 PM

I would want to know whatís different about this time? Didnít she make vows years ago? Also, if she does this again then in her mind is the fix to renew the wedding vows a third time? After all, itís a clean slate again right? (Obviously she would never agree to that statement but I would have that question)

inthedarkness posted 11/4/2019 12:42 PM

As to her reasoning, I don't think so. If we could erase this infidelity trauma from our life by simply renewing our vows, we would all do it.

What do you feel in your gut? Are YOU all in? When you're standing there with her, saying your vows, will you feel different (and real) saying these words after what you've been through? Will you believe what she is saying?

36yearsgone posted 11/4/2019 12:44 PM

What do you feel in your gut? Are YOU all in? When you're standing there with her, saying your vows, will you feel different (and real) saying these words after what you've been through? Will you believe what she is saying?

It's too early to tell exactly what I feel in my gut. I have thought that it may be better to divorce and then remarry, than to simply renew vows.

Lemondrop10 posted 11/4/2019 12:46 PM

Her logic wouldn't work for me. Renewing vows wouldn't erase the memory of anything that had happened. It wouldn't magically mean that she would uphold them this time.

36yearsgone posted 11/4/2019 12:48 PM

Her logic wouldn't work for me. Renewing vows wouldn't erase the memory of anything that had happened. It wouldn't magically mean that she would uphold them this time.

That's true. But at least it would be a public statement of her desire to be faithful. However, I get what you are saying.

Dismayed2012 posted 11/4/2019 13:13 PM

I see renewing of vows as the WS's way of getting the BS to rug-sweep the betrayal. The idea is that once the vows are renewed, the past behavior is forgotten and you're making a fresh start together like nothing ever happened, i.e. rug-swept. At that point the WS can then hold the BS to that commitment and when those old feelings arise in the BS, a mention of the renewal is all it takes to cause the BS to stuff their feelings away.

You'd do better to divorce the WS and then make a pact with yourself to not re-marry them for at least a year during which time you decide if you want to marry the WS. If the WS hasn't done the work to make you want to marry them then don't. If you find that you like the benefits of being single again then stay single. When you divorce you gain full control of where you want to take your future and it forces the WS into the precarious place of waiting for your decision knowing that they're starting from a negative position. Then if you decide to marry them, you have the benefit of knowing full well who and what you're tying yourself to. You can then move on from the betrayal knowing that your future has been decided by you alone and not by the cheating scumbags.

Take care of yourself. :)

WilliamM posted 11/4/2019 13:27 PM

My wife and I did this. My wife proposed, set the wedding and honeymoon in Jamaica, and invited witnesses. This was about 2 years post DDay. And for me, it worked. The key for it working was my wife did the work she needed to do for R. That work continued afterwards as well. It gave us new memories. So when I think of our wedding, I think of Jamaica. I think of our marriage from that point. I do still trigger and have bad days, but my good memories help overcome it.

hikingout posted 11/4/2019 13:27 PM

I think a renewal of vows should only be considered if it means the same thing to both of you. I think you have to decide if you feel the same way about it, right now it doesn't seem like you do.

From my own perspective, a couple don't do this to start anew without any intentional work. I believe the WS should have done enough work to be a safe person to marry. Why would you marry someone who was unsafe twice? The problem in your situation is I am not sure that you would reach that by divorcing and remarrying or by vow renewal. It seems in your case your wife wants to feel like coming to the marriage is going to be like it never happened. I don't think that's a realistic expectation for her to have. Marrying or remarrying is a sham unless both of you are back on the same page and have the same vision towards the marriage you want together.

However, I can also acknowledge, that in your situation you gave her forgiveness because you wanted peace. You kind of started down a path where you set a precedence of starting anew, based on my own interpretations of your posts. So, if that is the spirit you really do have, then proceed as you wish. I think it's really just the spirit you want to have because you were tired? I know I said that as a statement but I am ending it with a question mark.

H gave me a new ring earlier this year. There wasn't a big production, or a lot of words. But, I understood the sentiment and took it seriously. Just make sure before you make any further action she is ready to take you seriously as well.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:28 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Marie2792 posted 11/4/2019 13:41 PM

We did this two years ago after two years of marriage counseling, therapy and intense discussions. We had date nights and put ourselves first. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was amazing. We had never had a real wedding. However, in spite of all that, my husband expected we would never talk about the cheating again. It comes up from time to time and his first reply is always ď then why did we get married again ?Ē He doesnít understand that its part of our story now and new vows donít bury old wounds.

I would do it again in a New York minute because I believed it changed our lives and gave us a good new foundation to build on.

OrdinaryDude posted 11/4/2019 15:08 PM

This is something we discussed early on but I realized it did nothing for me, itís only to give the WS a new starting point.

This is something I will never do, my WW will live knowing her M is in a precarious position due to her actions, and the future success or failure of it rests on her shoulders.

survrus posted 11/4/2019 15:16 PM

36YG,

Except I wouldn't marry a woman who was involved with an OM like your WW was.

If I found out after I was married I would seek an annulment.

Butforthegrace posted 11/4/2019 15:29 PM

Does her logic hold water?

Nope. I agree with the others here. Your WW has not done any work to repair the relationship. What she's asking for is a Mulligan. A do-over. Just another species of rug sweeping.

36yearsgone posted 11/4/2019 15:39 PM

If I found out after I was married I would seek an annulment.

It's a little late for an annulment.

survrus posted 11/4/2019 15:43 PM

36YG,

I meant if after 1 week I discovered it, or whatever the legal restrictions were for a civil annulment.

If someone at the wedding told me I would not consummate either.

[This message edited by survrus at 3:45 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

tikismom posted 11/4/2019 15:52 PM

We plan to do this, but I do not look at it as starting over/clean slate. It is just 1 step in the healing process. He broke his vows & I know he wants the chance to redo them. I am taking this very seriously so I will not do them if I feel he is not 100% in & committed fully.

Edit-there should be no secrets now. A vow renewal will not change that. And infidelity will always be a part of the story, that will not be magically gone.

[This message edited by tikismom at 3:53 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 11/4/2019 16:09 PM

Our actions create who we are. They become apart of our life narrative. As others have said, it seems as if your WW would love to have a grand jesture of renewing your vows to get a fresh start without having any substance behind her actions to support her renewing her part of the vows. And you do not seem to be totally on board with the idea. Put those to scenarios together and you will probably have a recipe for disappointment.

I know your WW has signed over her rights to.your companies and such. But what else has she been doing to better herself to help prove to you that she IS a safe partner for you again?

The gift of forgiveness you gave her earlier is fine and dandy. But without her putting in the work to make you feel, being together will not be possible for the long haul. You said it yourself that you are still not sure.

FWIW, I see a renewing of vows as accepting your SO with their faults, your SO accepting your faults, you both working together knowing who each other is, and striving for a better life together.

Question is, do you accept her as a safe partner to grow old with?

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