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A Renewal of Vows?

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cptprkchp posted 11/5/2019 18:56 PM

My BH and I did do a vow renewal but we were both on the same page about the expectations - Iím going to get very honest here so there may be some TMI.

There is a lot of things that changed post DDay - I do (or donít do) many things that I once did in order for him to feel like I am a safe partner. These are not things that he specifically spelled out but more ďrespecting his wishesĒ from our conversations. In addition to doing all of the mental work that goes into recovery I also:

Stopped drinking and entered recovery - been in continuous recovery since 6/29/10. Drinking again is a dealbreaker.

No male friends (I do this one on my own - I have nothing in common with most men and donít feel the need to).

I keep all websites, passcodes, logins, passwords, etc. in a book that I continually update. He never even looks at it anymore but itís always there.

His face and fingerprint can open all of my electronics.

I do basic body grooming (shaving legs & pits) but donít shave my ladybits unless he specifically asks me to. I do regular things like get manicures & pedicures but anything out of the ordinary I ask him if heís ok with it - lately Iíve been getting eyelash extensions and heís on the fence about them - he says I ďooze sexĒ so Iím waiting for his final word on them.

I donít wear tight/revealing clothing and I donít wear knee high boots because he thinks they look slutty.

I talk to him about things like changing any eating and/or gym habits - I tell him why if I start eating healthier or going to the gym more. Sometimes itís because Iíve gained a few pounds and feel like crap and other times because Iím on a roll.

If I ďdress upĒ for any reason and/or put on makeup I tell him why.

I explain new additions to any social media pages.

I mind my own business & tell him if anyone (men) try to talk to me.

I keep an updated calendar of appointments and events so he knows where I am.

The list can go on & on but I think you get my point. A vow renewal doesnít erase the past - nor should it - but it can be a new starting point, if you know what I mean. At first, I did all these things to prove Iím a safe partner- now I do them out of habit because I am a safe partner. The triggers may always be there - nothing may ever take those away but that needs to be understood. A vow renewal should envelop who you both are now and what you BOTH want your relationship to be - without understanding itís all just words. JMHO.

Edited because autocorrect is a narcissistic ass that thinks it knows better than me!!

[This message edited by cptprkchp at 6:58 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

bluewater posted 11/5/2019 19:44 PM

Whenever I see renewal of vows mentioned I always think, why? Why renew the very same vows that the WS trampled so easily and callously? If they were worth so little and meant nothing the first time around what will make them worth anything more this time? Why would anyone want to ďrenewĒ those vows?

Personally I see no value in renewing vow that were cast aside by the WS. But that is just me. Others obviously see this differently

Catwoman posted 11/6/2019 04:12 AM

M1965 nailed it.

Cat

36yearsgone posted 11/6/2019 08:41 AM

Whenever I see renewal of vows mentioned I always think, why? Why renew the very same vows that the WS trampled so easily and callously? If they were worth so little and meant nothing the first time around what will make them worth anything more this time? Why would anyone want to ďrenewĒ those vows?

They may have the same substance, but that doesn't mean the vows are the same.

rambler posted 11/6/2019 21:04 PM

There is no substance. She gets full forgiveness from you. Slate wiped clean. No work. No effort. She also gets a commitment from you.

36yearsgone posted 11/7/2019 09:49 AM

There is no substance. She gets full forgiveness from you. Slate wiped clean. No work. No effort. She also gets a commitment from you.

It may appear that way, but it's not the case.

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