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layla1234 posted 11/5/2019 11:35 AM

I never thought he was a good one. He's always encouraged my husband to "put his foot down" with me. He has basically been against anything that promotes me healing. He told my husband not to leave his job after the affair came to light and he is also against my husband making a timeline. In my husband's words he says it will just lead to more questions. Yea, and?!?!! You kept a very big and important secret from me and changed who I am as a person FOREVER. Don't I deserve all the answers to any question ever for the rest of time?

I'm so frustrated.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 11/5/2019 11:40 AM

This therapist is probably a cheater himself.

nekonamida posted 11/5/2019 12:03 PM

I know you've been struggling and fighting against your WH's lack of remorse, anger issues, and ongoing lies for a while now. In an ideal world, I'd insist that he drops this IC for a better one in your shoes. But if things aren't going well and your WH doesn't agree with getting a new IC, is there any point in arguing with him over it?

Focus on yourself. 180 him. This is just one more drop in the bucket of reasons why R isn't happening right now.

Adaira posted 11/5/2019 12:16 PM

Have you heard these things directly from the therapist’s lips or are these things being filtered through your lying husband?

steadychevy posted 11/5/2019 12:18 PM

Do you know these are the things that the therapist is saying or is it what your WH is telling you the therapist is saying?

Either way there's a problem. If it's what the therapist is actually saying he is a crap therapist. Probably a cheater himself like Thanksgiving suggested. Your WH needs to find a new therapist. If he doesn't agree you have gained a lot of knowledge.

If it's what your husband is telling you the therapist is saying these things and they are not true you have gained a lot of knowledge.

You could only find that out from the therapist. If he doesn't have an agreement signed that he can speak with you about the therapy he probably won't disclose. You would need to find out if he has a disclosure form that your WH would need to sign. If your husband won't that tells you something, as well.

It's bad either way. R is not happening as things stand like nekonamida says.

layla1234 posted 11/5/2019 12:23 PM

At our last MC appt he said he would ask about me attending his IC with him. That never happened. He did schedule an appt with a different therapist specific to mood disorders/anger issues for next week. I asked my husband to leave this therapist after I found out he lied to him about the affair. Why waste money on a therapist you are going to lie to? He said the therapist knows everything now. Who the fuck knows, right? I cancelled our MC now which is specific to affair recovery. He needs lots more IC counseling before I will consider going back to MC.

The1stWife posted 11/5/2019 16:54 PM

I would not believe the therapist said anything unless I hear it for myself. Sorry but your H is not to be trusted.

I agree that you deserve better and your H still doesn’t get it.

seekers posted 11/5/2019 17:20 PM

He has basically been against anything that promotes me healing.

That shit burns me. Makes me wonder if he himself is a cheater. Too many shitty IC's out there ensuring more pain for the bs. Are you pushing for him to find a new IC?

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 08:39 AM

If your CH was serious about your healing, he would do what you ask regardless of what the therapist says. He would recognize the therapist is not helping with R, assuming that's what your CH wants, and he'd find a new one on his own. Instead, he has found someone who validates and supports him and he likes it. Of course, that's all assuming he's telling you the truth.

I guess you could insist on going with your CH to get it straight from the therapist. But, does it really matter? Either way, your CH is not R material. He can believe and do whatever he wants regardless of what you need. The question is, what are you going to do about it for yourself?

I thought you said you were done with him.

layla1234 posted 11/6/2019 09:27 AM

I'm having such a hard time. You all were right about year 2 being the hardest. I'm constantly back and forth. I said from the beginning I wanted to stick it out for at least the 5 years to see if I can heal from it for my children but I just don't know. I am not afraid to divorce him. I know I'll be OK. I just want to make sure before I uproot my children that it's the right decision. This was supposed to be our forever home and that is so hard to let go of.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/6/2019 15:32 PM

I get that. The 2nd year was extremely hard for me.

The thing is, you aren't the one who needs to be doing everything. He is the one who needs to be doing all the work, and he's not.

You call the shots. He decides whether or not to agree to your terms. You act accordingly. I think a year is plenty long enough to see whether or not he's going to do the work.

MaryannFaithful posted 11/7/2019 05:30 AM

It could be your husband is lying, why won't he take you to an appointment? Does he talk to you about his therapy after he goes, or just when he is defending the way he is treating you? Things to think about anyway.

We had three therapist telling us a full detailed timeline was a bad idea. I didn't listen, he eventually didn't listen. I had to tell him I was leaving the next night if he didn't give me at least the start of it by then. It was not a bluff. Most therapists think timelines are too damaging to the BS. Mind movies and flashbacks have more ammo. I know I would have been trapped in the questions forever. I was also trapped in rage until he gave me the full truth. Just today our MC was telling me how amazed he is that the full timeline is working so well for me. That is in part because my WS is doing the work, to fully be there for me when I get hit by triggers. There are a million triggers.

That being said my WS had a therapist that was either a cheater, or wanted to be. I know all of this is true at this point. WS started seeing jackass therapist (JAT) while he was actively paying women to "date" him. JAT told him it was reasonable, never told him to talk to me, he never asked him what he wanted out of his life. WS was in full denial these were prostitutes, JAT never even gently had him examine who these women were, and yes JAT knew WS was paying them. He never pointed out that WS was putting my health at risk. WS spiraled into worst craziness, saw several of them during the same period, was talking about not being sure about what he was doing, he got reassurance from JAT, more it was reasonable, among others. When WS figured out that his wife of 20 years (me) was the one he wanted to share his life with, then JAT, told him to talk to the one hooker WS was still paying, horrible advice, this woman was a con artist! JAT knew that the husband of one of them (long story) had sent a letter to me, at my physical address, telling me about the one affair, WS activity on a sugar baby site and that WS had stolen the letter. JAT still told WS not to tell me anything to spare me the pain. After I got a registered letter on Dday from the husband, JAT continued to tell WS not to tell me anything. When WS told JAT about my rage, all he told him was "that sounds tough, are you sure you want to put yourself through that?" Even though WS had been clear he wanted to save our marriage. I finally figured out how horrible JAT was when WS started physically hurting himself. I was concerned, and asked what JAT told him. I was thinking there would be coping tools or something, he was asked again if he wanted to put himself through it. He finally change therapist, and things got better.

I will say, even JAT offered to see me, before I knew about the cheating. I didn't go because I didn't want to insert myself into WS's therapy, and I am disabled from pain, so there would have had to be a huge reason for me to go. My point is there are horrible, damaging therapists out there. If your WS has one, that could compound your problems. This does not excuse anything your WS has done, and he is still deciding to listen to someone that doesn't know you, over what you are telling him you need.

My advice would be to dig down and figure out if you can R with him doing that. Are you willing to leave if he doesn't give you a timeline? How about separate until he gives it to you? I felt very strongly there was no chance without a timeline. I need to be sure he was facing what he did, and I couldn't take the discoveries that were still happening 4 months after Dday. I also needed to get my agency back. He needs to be 100% in for R, if he isn't, don't give it to him. You can watch for progress, but withhold R until he earns it, or you give up waiting around for him to get there.