SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

musiclovingmom posted 11/7/2019 20:33 PM

The last two years, we have gotten family photos in November. Even in my family of origin, we didn’t do family photos every year and I was so proud that we had found a yearly family photo solution. I spend hours searching Pinterest for outfit ideas and color schemes. Then, I’d go to town and shop for clothes, which I hate doing but it felt so good to be shopping for coordinating family photo outfits. This year, I didn’t sign us up for a session. Mostly, it wasn’t high enough on my priority list to even register that it was time until my photographer announced she was booked. I was glad, in that moment, that I wouldn’t have to fake a smile for photos. That we could continue healing at our rate and take pictures again when the smiles will be authentic. But tonight I saw a friend post her family photos and my heart hurts. It’s a small thing, really. Two years is hardly ‘tradition’, but I still feel like this is just another thing taken from me.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 11/7/2019 20:57 PM

Find another photographer and do it. It’s not too late. A friend told me “don’t let it ruin the things you love “. I try to keep that in mind when I’m faking my way through something I used to love. And it has gotten easier.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/7/2019 21:20 PM

I feel you, MLM. Last year, our holiday card was a photo collage. We were just wrapping up the TT in November, so there was no way we could smile authentically for the camera.

This year, I think we could manage it, but I've done far too much stress eating to want to be immortalized at this weight.

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/8/2019 08:11 AM

Do it!

You can get more than one. Get one with everyone, and one with just you and your kids.

outofsorts posted 11/8/2019 14:38 PM

I can sympathize MusicLovingMom! There have been a few things that I normally would have really enjoyed doing (mainly celebrating my 40th birthday) that I readily gave up because of complications due to the infidelity. At the time it was a huge relief to just be able to ignore them / skip them (as much as possible) but afterwards it made me kind of sad.

At the same time, there were some things that I normally would have loved doing that I went ahead and did anyway in spite of complications of the infidelity and really wasn't happy about (a weekend camping with friends springs to mind).

Sometimes it is hard to win....

itsmeagain posted 11/8/2019 19:58 PM

The last family photo that we took was Christmas Day 2015. 2 months after dday of A#2 . I thought we were at a decent place but apparently not. Just a few hours after taking that “happy family” picture he went into the house and broke NC to send OW a happy holidays message through Linked In.

I can’t even look at them. And I don’t think I have taken a picture w/ him since. And the sad part is we really don’t have that many family photos as it is. Both of the kids will be home this year for Christmas but I honestly don’t know if I can bring myself to do them.. I don’t think I am ready to tackle that trigger.

Infidelity sucks!

musiclovingmom posted 11/8/2019 23:49 PM

I know we could take them anyway, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to hustle three kids around and work extra hard to get my middle child to focus long enough to get a couple of good shots (you know, where he isn’t talking to the photographer or picking up the props) if I’m just going to have to fake a smile anyway. And then, do I really want to see that and be reminded every time that that was the year I forced it because I wasn’t sure what sometimes even from day to day if I was going to stay? Nah. Still sucks.

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 11:49 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

PinkJeepLady posted 11/9/2019 07:21 AM

musiclovingmom, I hear your struggle! Pictures have a big meaning to me and I understand the feeling of having that tradition taken away - so not fair!

I will look at my cute friends with nice holiday pics with their H’s (we are older so it’s usually couples with maybe a dog😊 and be a little sad. Of course I am happy for my friends and family who seem to be in solid, happy relationships. I just don’t feel like taking or posting any myself.

In the midst of the cheating period my fwh wore a wonderful Santa suit in the holiday pic with our 2 youngest kids who still lived at home. We hadn’t done that before and at the time I thought it was so fun. Needless to say I don’t have those displayed anymore ☹️.

We are actually going pretty well in R - but photos are just different for me. I don’t have the same enthusiasm for them.

The first year past dday though my 2 kids at home wondered when about the holiday photo and I just decided to take one with just them. It actually was very nice and I am glad we captured that moment before they left home. Would you consider just doing one with the kids? Do you have any pets you can throw in?!

Please know I am thinking about you!

PinkJeepLady posted 11/9/2019 07:38 AM

One more thought - what if you take a fun, candid pic of the kids yourself. Maybe get some holiday props and let them get creative? Wrap up in garland, put bows on their heads, throw fake snow (or real) in the air and don’t worry about what they wear or even if they look at the camera!

I have a Christmas pic from when my kids were younger where one son has his hands on his knees covering a large hole in his jeans and the baby sister looks like she is strangling her sibling. There are toys strewn around but they are mostly smiling- I recall having to bribe them with cash?! Anyway, it’s one of my favorite holiday pics.

Maybe put your kids in charge of the holiday pic this year and see what they come up with? That might be interesting -

Happenedtome2 posted 11/9/2019 12:25 PM

Wow.
I was literally just about to post about family photos.
We had taken a family photo of the entire family, including the dog who miraculously sat still and looked right at the camera. All in matching Xmas pj's, fireplace, nutcracker statues... you name it. That was 3 months after dday.... I faked the smile....

I then cropped the photo so it was myself, the kids and the dog. WW noticed it as my phone wallpaper a few weeks later and got upset. She didn't say anything, but I saw. I remember taking the photo and thinking "this is the last Christmas I will spend in this house with this woman as my wife because I am done".... A year later, a lot of work, a lot of hard thinking and I have a new wallpaper of her and the kids that I took on a family outing.

I never said anything other than taking the pic and sending it to her. She saw the wallpaper and I could tell she couldn't believe it was there. Pretty sure she cried a little but she hid it.

Take your pictures. You will be glad that you did. It is part of rebuilding

Thissucks5678 posted 11/9/2019 14:49 PM

I think you should try and take the photo. Don’t let anything still what makes you happy and if a new family tradition brings you joy - do it!

My dday was the weekend of my birthday. We went out to dinner with my parents on the night of my birthday (dday was Friday night, my birthday was Sunday) and my mom took a picture of all of us. It is the saddest picture I have ever seen of my myself. I had spent the weekend crying but telling the kids I was sick and my mom had no idea just that I was sad. I still have the pictures - not on display or anything, but I like to see how far I’ve come. I took a lot of unhappy fake smiling pictures in 2015, my smiles now are genuine and looking back at the progression is fascinating once you have detached from a lot of the pain.

Just my own personal thoughts - and I’m terrible about taking family pictures!

Hallmack posted 11/9/2019 15:42 PM

Sooooo many things trigger me. Seemingly innocent things. The last family photos we took were when our youngest was about two weeks old a couple of days after Christmas 2017. Exactly one year later my wife had driven 8 hours to go be with her AP for the first time, thank god for technology that saves dates for everything!

Those photos and the shirts we all wore (they all said “together we can do anything”) trigger the fuck out of me. The entire idea of photos like that as a family trigger me. I wrote out a list of triggers shortly after Dday. I feel like I need to update the list now that I feel I have a more accurate version of the truth.

Charlotte77 posted 11/12/2019 06:26 AM

Musiclovingmum, it’s so sad isn’t it. I would try to take your picture and definitely take one with just the kids. At least then in the future if they ever go through the holiday photos over the years you do not have to explain why there is 1 year missing.