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General :
Do I say something to ex’s gf?

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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 6:21 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

Question. So it is likely that I will end up running in to my husbands new girlfriend as she lives in my neighborhood. He cheated 2 months ago and left me for her. Have a 1 year old that we share custody now. If I do run in to her should I say something to her ? Or just walk by with dirty look lol? If I do say something was thinking of saying that I’m sure my husband fed you a bunch of bs saying our marriage was terrible etc but he just said that to justify your relationship. And the fact that he could just walk out on a marriage and baby just shows his true values and that’s not someone I want to be with. Considering you both have similar values I’m sure it will work out great for you but not sure how both of you can look at my son and not feel guilty. Good luck with everything and hope it works out. He did cheat on his last gf too so you’re prob not the last. I think I am just dreaming of doing this and prob will never happen haha.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465249
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layla1234 ( member #68851) posted at 6:56 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

A year ago I would have said this was perfect but I've learned alot about APs. I think silence is the best way to go. Better believe she will come to you first when she suspects him of cheating on her.

Married: 5-15-11
3 kids: ages 6, 3, and baby born in Sept.
D-day of EA with married COW:7-18-18

So much missing info from my story. I'm too exhausted to add it all. Divorce process started.

posts: 856   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2018
id 8465286
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 7:08 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

She was dating him while he was married to you and with a new born. She knew this and ignored it then... she's not going to "get it" from you saying it. Ignore -

the fact that he could just walk out on a marriage and baby just shows his true values and that’s not someone I want to be with.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8465302
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MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

She knew he was married when she started "dating" him. I bet if she sees you, she will walk away.

IF she doesn't, silence is golden. I'd also have a little smirk on my face, cause then she will wonder what YOU know that she doesn't.

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Reconciled

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8465319
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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

MamaDragon, Freeme, layla1234, this is all true. More mature to ignore and be the bigger person. I think it is just nice to dream of saying these things to her but in reality probably not worth my breath.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465326
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RedHeadTemper ( member #71503) posted at 7:54 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

Enjoy your leftovers!

That's what I'd say.

Me:BS
Her:WW same sex AP
M:4 years
EA/PA 10 months
Young children

posts: 175   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2019
id 8465344
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Evermore ( member #72002) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, November 8th, 2019

I would take my power back and introduce myself. You have nothing to be ashamed of, your lives have crossed because of a shameful act on her part.

Not kill them with kindness, kill them by making them revisit their shame.

I was a bully growing up and nothing is harder than them acknowledging me in some way. Like, I see you and we both know who you are at your worst.

Silence is probably better than attacking, but neutrality can be painful as well. It breaks their narrative that somehow this is ok. That somehow their love story is anything but a shit show

posts: 63   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2019   ·   location: Atlantis
id 8465379
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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 1:09 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

Evermore, but if I am nice to her would she think that I am okay with all this and then justify it to herself it’s not that bad ? She keeps stalking my instagram stories too. She’s definitely insecure about this.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465497
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Evermore ( member #72002) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

@Phcj12 It is hard to say what she will think. I think it is safe to say that any interaction with you will cause her to think a lot. The fact she is cyber stalking is a sign of her being preoccupied with you. I suspect any interaction with you will cause a lot of dissonance for her

posts: 63   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2019   ·   location: Atlantis
id 8465500
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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 1:44 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

Evermore, ok I see what you are saying now. Yea I feel like she has a lil tiny conscience in her and it’s easier to act like you don’t care when you haven’t met the person. Pretty sure she has met my child so not sure how she can do that and live with herself. On the other hand my husband has no conscience clearly lol.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465503
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:15 AM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

First you have no idea what she has been told by the STBXH. So I’m not saying cut her some slack or she’s innocent, but from her perspective she could have been told that you were separated or divorcing. I’m just sayin......

Second if she is having ANY interaction with your child you may want to think twice about poking the hornet’s nest if you know what I mean.

Third she’s stalking your SM. What does that tell you? She’s insecure about the relationship, she fears he may try to get back together with you and/or she views you as a threat.

She’s in a bad relationship. She may not know it but you do. You know how this will play out. One day you will be getting some attempt at contact from her as she will be in your shoes. Just wait.

If you see her in person, I would wait for her to speak first. Be polite but distant. Remember forcing her to speak to you first or approach you first is a power thing. And if she does approach you - you will know you are in control.

You win!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14748   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8465582
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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 12:18 PM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

The1stWife, she definitely knew he was married with a child at the time she was trying to get him. He was her personal trainer and they were calling each other multiple times a day. I do cut her slack in that he was telling her how awful our relationship was. (Which is not true). So she is probably telling herself this is for the best.

I kinda also think she knows she’s in a bad relationship. My ex is a very good looking “nice” guy and no offense but she’s not very attractive and she’s older. She’s prob super excited about all this new attention. But deep down knows it isn’t right. Wonder if eventually it will eat her up and she’ll get out or maybe cause too many fights between them it’ll fizzle. Just can’t wait for the day ! But then again who knows. Maybe they are just good for each other since they share the same values!

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465619
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 2:08 PM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

Id simply say "You arent his last, you are just his next.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 774   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8465657
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:25 PM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

NC = no new hurts.

I recommend ignoring her, even if you walk past her or vice versa.

If she talks to you, maybe tell her she has no right to talk to you - just one simple sentence.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31107   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8465660
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anoldlion ( member #51571) posted at 11:48 PM on Saturday, November 9th, 2019

Do what a lady I know of did. My wife has a very close friend who married a man that had cheated on his first wife many times. He was divorced when my wife's friend started dating him . When they announced they where getting married, the first wife sent my wife's friend a sympathy card telling her how sorry she was for what was about to happen to her. Needless to say my wife's friend is no longer married to him. He just couldn't keep his pants zipped. She said she was warned but didn't listen. You are better off than you would be staying with a compulsive cheater. I do wish you well.

posts: 713   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2016   ·   location: NC
id 8465833
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pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 12:01 AM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

smile and say "Past is prologue." Or ask "which girlfriend are you?"

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 457   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8465835
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totallydumb ( member #66269) posted at 4:21 AM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Or just say " Your not really his girlfriend, it is just your turn."

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 459   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8465887
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 Phcj123 (original poster member #71603) posted at 2:54 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

anoldlion, ha that’s smart and too bad she didn’t listen. But I guess she will get what’s coming to her. She should know she won’t be the last.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019
id 8465979
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 8:28 PM on Sunday, November 10th, 2019

Take the high road. Very little good can come of any kind of interaction.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 917   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8466095
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