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Disowning my brother today

J707 posted 11/8/2019 15:21 PM

I don't know where else to go, how to deal with this. My brother left his WGF of 12 years in mid Aug, moved out mid September. He quit drinking last june and has been on his high horse ever since. His roommate was fucking his GF. They both moved mid September. He hooked up with a friend of ours shortly after. She was in a weak spot of having to deal with family deaths, 2 grandmas dying within a month. My brother took full advantage of her. She was vulnerable and so was he. He kept pushing and pushing and eventually she gave in. She is single, as is he now. He text her today that she wasn't even worth it or worth anything and that hes found someone soo much better, on her grandmas funeral day. She kept telling him no, that it will hurt too many people. She says it wasn't rape but her gut and body felt horrible when he touched her. I'm fucking steaming. This woman is a dear friend to me, she helped me during my Dday bullshit. She feels like trash, garbage, shes never felt this down about herself. My brother is 2.5 months from his split and using vulnerable friends/women. He fucking disgusts me. That fucking asshole. She has suicidal ideations from it. I'm trying to be there for here. She was used and emotionally abused, by my brother. I've known her for 25 years, she speaks a honest heart. I may disown my brother for now because of how hes going about his life, passing his pain onto others. Shes wrecked right now. The way he went about things is ridiculous. Of course hes sober and perfect. Don't drag another down in your pain. I thought I knew about NPD with my ex, my brother is the same. I may cut him out of my life. Sorry brother, you've done fucked up. Fucking asshole.

Odonna posted 11/8/2019 16:19 PM

For the moment, forget about your brotherís perfidy and your own outrage. Get your female friend that he abused to appropriate help. She needs intensive counseling right now. If you do not know where to begin call a local womenís shelter local to her and ask for advice and references.

Your feelings and decisions can wait until you know more and your friend is safe and cared for.

NoOptTo posted 11/8/2019 17:00 PM

So sorry for your friend. Continue being there for her. Repeat telling her all the good she has done. Show her her qualities. And be the example that not all guys are manipulative a**holes.

As for your brother, I'd make his world tough. Let the family know exactly how little respect he has for others. That he cant handle his own pain so he has to inflict it on to others. I've always been a person that calls a spade a spade.

Stand by your friend. She needs as much support as you can offer.

crazyblindsided posted 11/8/2019 17:31 PM

Yeah that is really messed up. I'm a very confrontational person so I would probably make him feel like shit before I cut him off.

So sorry. I am glad you are there for your friend.

solus sto posted 11/8/2019 21:11 PM

There are a couple of things going on here.

First, your friend needs help. And the advice to help her get it is right on target. I feel terrible for her.

But your brother is also a BS, and perhaps deserves a little bit of grace. This isn't synonymous with approval of his actions. It doesn't mean you have to bite your tongue, or refrain from expressing your disappointment in his mode of self-medication. He's made horrendous choices, lashing out at an innocent and vulnerable woman who trusted him.

HE needs help, too. His coping techniques are abysmal, and he needs professional help to learn how to cope with stressors. He's done many things right--he ended a relationship with a cheater & stopped drinking---those actually EARN that "high horse," not derision.

But I don't know the degree to which he drank---if he's alcoholic, then simply stopping drinking isn't sufficient. That just makes him a dry drunk--someone who's given up a behavior without learning of the coping techniques that are what create actual sobriety.

Regardless, he needs help, too. As enraged as you are---and yeah, it's deplorable to use other humans as implements to avoid doing the real work of healing, so he's absolutely earned your wrath---at least let him know, before taking a break from him, that you're doing it BECAUSE of his failure to do the work HE needs to do before involving others.

Because humans aren't drugs. They aren't tools. They aren't put on earth to meet our needs.

He's gotta do that for himself.

But yeah, your friend needs to be miles away from him. He's unsafe.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this sandwich. It's miserable to be caught between two people in pain.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 21:15 PM

I understand your feelings but look after your friend first before anything else

J707 posted 11/9/2019 09:25 AM

Well, had a heated discussion last night with my brother, I'm not disowning him but he saw a side from me that he hasn't seen before. I think it's my post infidelity, I don't take shit anymore side. I'm a calm rational guy but the look on his face when I opened up to him and voiced my concerns was like, oh shit.

Obviously there are 2 sides but my friend is extremely hurt and feels used and tossed aside like garbage (we all know that feeling) so maybe that's why it hit home for me too. He knew it was wrong but then started to blame her too, that she did it too. Very childish manner. I laid everything out. How he has been in all about me mode. How hes been a dick these past few months. He didn't wanna here anything and tried to run away. I got him back and told him he can't run away from his problems. It ended well. May have fallen on deaf ears though.

As for my friend, I'm keeping close contact with her. I think in her case she needs IC. She has a lot of trauma that happened in her life but she feels taken advantage of. She hasn't been with anyone for 7 years since her ex BF killed himself. She says she let her guard down since she thought she was good and healed from that. My brother knew it was wrong. I also think it was kind of revenge, fucking his exwgf bestfriend. He asked me how do I fix this, I said I don't know, the damage is done.

J707 posted 11/9/2019 11:49 AM

This matter isn't necessarily infidelity related but to me it is. Post Dday revenge in a sense. She was one of his ex's bestfriends. She is questioning herself and why she allowed herself to be put in that situation. She needs help and I'll be helping her try and find the help she needs. My brother thinks hes cured of pain from betrayal now. A whopping 2.5 months post Dday. They hooked up a month ago. Passing his pain onto another just makes me sick. I have a handful of true friends from my past life when I was married, she was one of them that helped me through things when I was down. Now shes hurting from my only living brother. I see how my own healing has come so far, doing and putting in the work. He will just bury his head in the sand like alls good, with his ass sticking straight up in the air, ready for the taking. Then it'll be poor me mentality. To me, hes an example of what not to do for your own healing, seeking external source for his internal problems. He is a former wayward, almost every relationship he cheated, he says except this last one. Also a former meth user, 12 years clean now. Replaced booze for the drugs. Now no booze, replacing it with hurting those around him.

The1stWife posted 11/10/2019 02:35 AM

Iím sorry your friend trusted the wrong person and ended up hurt. Did she know if your brotherís past? If so sheís probably kicking herself for getting involved with him and thinking he changed.

He hasnít.

Professional help is needed. Did she get professional help when her last relationship ended so tragically? Sounds like she is carrying the trauma of that past with her.

You are a good friend.

J707 posted 11/10/2019 10:32 AM

Yes she knew of his past. Know she feels used and is kicking herself in the ass. If my brothers ex finds out she'll disown her. She did have IC before but said she didn't like it. I'm encouraging her to go again. She has an appointment this week and is going to tell them she is having suicidal thoughts, she did before this happened too. I don't want to be caught in triangulation but I'm not going lose a good friend because my brother can't keep his dick in his pants. Hes already been "talking" with an old friend while they were together. Shes stayed over a nights but nothings happened, yeah right. He was persistent on my friend and she caved in eventually. Shes now asking herself why. She felt he was safe but his actions prove otherwise. Just disposed her like garbage.

northeasternarea posted 11/10/2019 16:35 PM

Your friend is just as responsible as your brother. Encourage her to get help. She decided to get with the very recent ex of one of her best friends.

J707 posted 11/10/2019 16:44 PM

Your friend is just as responsible as your brother
Very true. While he shouldn't have put her in this position, she should have turned him down. She is asking herself all the whys of all this. They both need help.

cancuncrushed posted 11/11/2019 07:48 AM

Alcohol plays a much bigger role then you realize. It makes them Npd. They canít and donít feel like normal people. I donít know how bad he was but it takes a year to clear the brain. Heís still affected. There could be neurological issues. Damage. They can be cold and heartless. And selfish.
Maybe heís a dry drunk. Did he join A.A.?
My zExwh is chronic alcoholic and Npd. Be careful. Violence and rage are just uNderneath.

It sounds like he still has the selfish tendencies. It sounds like Npd tendencies. I feel bad for the girl.

If he doesnít seek the correct path he will drink again. Itís never all clear. He hasnít changed and moved on. This is just another symptom

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:50 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

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