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Point of no reconciliation

hopefullife posted 11/9/2019 05:41 AM

I'm fairly new in the A world. 5 months in. Though I know my WH is not so H material, I won't deny I still love him. I struggle daily hoping the longing goes away, cause why? Why do I feel like I still can attempt to reconcile? When I know my mind can never again accept this person. Maybe I long for him because I was not given the choice, because he left. Maybe I just want him back so I can say no on my terms. Maybe it's pride, it's love, or whatever it is. I pray for strength to finally let go and move forward.

I know circumstances vary per person and reconciliation depends on how much each party wants to do it. I met with several attorneys. I know this is the right path. But how do I reconcile with the pain of finally letting go?

How did you know you're done? How did you know there's nothing to save?

sisoon posted 11/9/2019 08:28 AM

Gently, if he's gone, isn't he gone?

I think I have some understanding of the thought and feeling cycles that keep going arouns and around in many BSes' minds. I think a good IC can help you stop the spinning in your head.

HeartBreaker11 posted 11/9/2019 12:20 PM

Maybe I long for him because I was not given the choice, because he left. Maybe I just want him back so I can say no on my terms.

This makes a lot of sense to me, TBH.

It sounds to me like you didn't have a lot of closure. You suddenly had the rug ripped out from under you and before you had any answers to questions or explanations, he just left.

You were left in a whirlwind of confusion and hurt. I don't blame you for having a hard time letting go of that. You're also a human being who loved and trusted someone for a decade. Most people can't turn their feelings on and off like a faucet.

It's hard to let go and get that closure alone. I would definitely recommend seeing an IC to get some help so that you don't keep reeling around with this.

Incarnate posted 11/9/2019 12:39 PM

For me, it was when I looked at her during one of our fights where she was feeling depressed and miserable that the outcome of her affair wasn't a brand new shiny rainbow life, and she was crying.

And I didn't want her to feel better. I wanted her to hurt. And I didn't want it to ever stop hurting.

I still don't. I instantly stopped the Pick Me dance. I instantly stopped validating her emotions and stances. I stopped holding my tongue or softening my opinion. I treated her like she was treating me; like a stranger, someone to be wary and and untrusting of.

I felt myself fall out of love with her, and she is no longer the kind of person I would want to try to fall in love with for a first time, so why would I try to fall BACK in love with her? Because if history? That history is jacked up.

That's how I knew.

inconnu posted 11/9/2019 12:50 PM

I knew the marriage was over when I found out he was still seeing OW and they had taken the affair underground. I lost that last teeny tiny bit of hope I had been holding onto when now-ex walked out on me and the kids to be with OW. He actually packed his stuff up secretly, went to work one day like normal (even told me he loved me), and then never came home again. I knew I was done, even though I still loved him at that time. But it wasn't about me until later. Nobody, and I mean nobody, treats my kids like that and stays in my life. Including their father.

Then, when I realized I got my self-respect back after I filed for divorce, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how much it hurt doing it.

LLXC posted 11/9/2019 13:50 PM

For me, it was a combination of factors. First was that I knew if this were my best friend I would tell her to run. Second was - why would I want to be with someone who would treat anyone this way? Third was the fact that my brother and I were at our moms when I fully realized what had happened and my brother hugged me for 15 minutes and I got so angry at my ex for putting my brother in the position of needing to comfort his big sister. Fourth was the knowledge that though my brother can be selfish he would never treat anyone this way. Ever.

For me the biggest factor was that my first instinct was to run. I didn't listen to that voice. Instead listening to him tell me how much he adored me. So if I had just listened to that voice I would have avoided the far bigger heartbreak I'd created for myself. It was that voice in my head that allowed me to heal and accept what had happened

sewardak posted 11/9/2019 15:28 PM

Honey read your tagline. If your own daughterís husband had a child with another woman What would tell her to do? Run and not look back?

hopefullife posted 11/9/2019 17:13 PM

It sounds to me like you didn't have a lot of closure.

Maybe it's this. There are so many loose ends, but he didn't even bother to end things properly. I would have accepted that.

First was that I knew if this were my best friend I would tell her to run.

Honey read your tagline. If your own daughterís husband had a child with another woman

I know. I know. :( I hope this feeling goes away soon. I'm in IC but I plan to find another.

LifeSong posted 11/9/2019 22:51 PM

I sooooooooooooooo..... get you. I held on for 3 and half years after I was well aware that H was not H material during our false R.

All those "things" we do to ourselves: believe in happily ever after, in true character change, a sudden dose of integrity, that love will conquer all.

I think maybe it has to do with us, or the non-cheating type. We are more kind, considerate, patient, compassionate. We not only know the difference between right and wrong, we actively try to do right. We care about how our actions might affect others, and so forth. We can't help but experience life from our perspective. To our detriment.

My experience was similar to Incarnate's. I just looked at this person and was like "Who are you? And if I met you today, I would not love you. I wouldn't even like you. So why keep trying now?"

That part is kind of easy compared to:
- I invested (wasted) 18 years of my life with you
- Who am I without you or "us"
- Feelings that I will never, ever, ever, ever trust anyone again
- The past is a lie
- What does my future look like
- Admitting that the man I thought I loved only existed in my mind and I am therefore more messed up than I wanted to admit
- This is so f-ing unfair

I read Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends twice and that actually helped. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd still be sitting at the bottom of the mountain instead of climbing, climbing.

I'm sorry this is so long. And I'm sorry you're here. It sucks. But you'll find a way to let go and find true healing. ((hugs))

EllieKMAS posted 11/10/2019 00:21 AM

Maybe I long for him because I was not given the choice, because he left. Maybe I just want him back so I can say no on my terms.

This resonated really hard with me. I completely understand why you feel that way. But you know what? There's no closure in your situation. I know that sucks so bad, but once that sinks in it becomes easier to let go. You'll get there - just be patient and kind with yourself. And in the meantime, get filed and get your duckies in line. Filing helped me a lot because it was at least something concrete, a kind of 'closure'.

hopefullife posted 11/10/2019 18:15 PM

Thanks for all the responses. I just don't know what else to do to make this longing to go away.

You're right EllieKMAS, maybe when this marriage ends I can finally get my closure.

EllieKMAS posted 11/10/2019 18:24 PM

I had (still have sometimes if I'm honest) that longing too. But in one of my therapy sessions, I was lamenting the lack of closure and that it wasn't fair. My counselor asked me, "Is there anything he could say to you that would make you feel better?" And you know? There isn't. There is not one damn thing he could say or do at this point that would make me feel any better about him or my M at all. I dunno, that knowledge made me feel a little better, or freer maybe.

And also I have to say - I still have sad days and things are hard sometimes, but overall my life has improved since he left. It is simpler and more peaceful not having to tap dance on those eggshells anymore. The only thing that eases that feeling is time.

And other bottom line - He will always be a liar and a cheater now. He can't change that, no matter what lies he tells to whatever sluts he messes with after me. I am NOT - I am honorable and honest and I have integrity. I'll take those over a lying sack of shit cheating wasband any day of the week.

cancuncrushed posted 11/11/2019 04:57 AM

I knew it was over when I couldnít reach him. He was happy cheating. He felt in love. Nothing I said made any difference. Even if I cried it meant nothing. Our children meant nothing. We were a bother. He was vacant. Empty. Emotionally gone.

His money is number one in his life. He stayed with us to keep it. Cake eater. He now loves alcohol and cheating so much. He was willing to loose everything. He is deep in addiction.

He left me with no note. No notice. No explanation. He too acted like he was going to work. He too packed secretly. I had no closure. But Iím smart enough to know itís for the best. And it was easier this way. I thought without violence. But it came later I have trauma bonding. Research it. I still know itís better to be out

Catwoman posted 11/11/2019 05:08 AM

I wouldn't get all hung up about closure.

Closure isn't an event--it's a journey and some journeys take longer than others.

You were "all in" in this marriage and he wasn't. It makes sense that you will need longer to come to terms with all that has happened and accept it and start living YOUR life on YOUR terms.

He spent a lot of time "investing" in his new life on your dime, so to speak.

I'd be gentle with you and work towards healing. Don't get all hung up about where you are in the process--just know it is a process and it will take time.


RedHeadTemper posted 11/11/2019 08:22 AM

I think the key here is to know that any marraige with an A involved is dead. That the BS and WS both need to come to terms with, and then look at each other and decide, I want to start a new marraige with that.

It sounds like you're still in denial about the POS husband you had. For me, when I notice denial creeping in, I spend time reading JFO stories, and there's a few books that I have that has some great waking up points in it that I read.

I'm in limbo still. I've learned not to have hopium, and that denial is my worst enemy. Hopeful life, I envy you slightly cause you've moved on and the choice has been made for you. My wife is on board right now, but I'm still liking at her and trying to decide if I want a marraige with that.

hopefullife posted 11/17/2019 06:48 AM

Hopeful life, I envy you slightly cause you've moved on and the choice has been made for you.

You have a point RedHeadTemper. At least I'm not being dragged into fake R anymore. Maybe you're right, I'm still in denial. I loved and trusted this person with my whole life, only for him to burn everything. I wish it's easy to turn off feelings like a light bulb.

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