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Long lost secrets

Morris45 posted 11/21/2019 17:31 PM

A few months ago I told my wife about a one night stand I had when we were separated. She had moved out and I had filed for divorce. She later wanted to get back together and I didnít think she was serious so when she asked if I had been with anyone else I lied and said no. My problem now is she does not accept anything I say as so. My question is is there anyone who has lied about an affair for many years (38 years n my case) and reconciled? If so how did you go about it. How did you get through to your partner?Any advise will be deeply appreciated.

EvolvingSoul posted 11/21/2019 18:14 PM

Hi there Morris45,

Welcome to SI. This place has helped many people navigate the difficult post-infidelity terrain and I hope it can help you too.

It's not surprising that your wife is having a hard time trusting you. Even though the one-night stand happened while you were separated, and a long time ago, the thing that has hurt and harmed her is that you lied to her and kept lying to her for almost 40 years. Had you told her the truth, she might have made a different decision about getting back together. So from her point of view, that one lie took four decades of her life from her. From that perspective, it should be easy to see why she would now see you as unsafe. Her distrust of you isn't meant to punish you, rather it is an effort to protect herself from you. It's likely not something she can control. Her subjective reality has been blown apart.

What were the circumstances of you revealing the ONS to your wife?

Morris45 posted 11/21/2019 21:43 PM

To answer your question..Guilt.I couldnít live with it anymore. To fill in the rest of the story,.. after a night of drinking my sister-in-law called and said my brother was getting violent with her. My wife and I went to get her and brought her back to our house.we had been to the same party earlier. This was the 40 years ago. My wife put her on the loveseat and covered her. Eventually wife said she was going to bed and asked me I said yes when I finish my cigarette. I sat on the loveseat by her feet. My wife got up and came in and caught me holding covers because I had sat on them and was pulling them from under me. up and I remember giving b her a gentle pat on the butt. My Wife feels it was more. We separated a couple years later that was 38th year . I begged my wife to tell me what was wrong and all she said was she didnít love me and wanted to be able to date whom ever she wished. I sleep with a women my wife considered a friend and lied for 38 years about it. Then 32 years ago Six years later went out of town for work felt insecure spent a Weekend with a 21 year old homeless girl in motel but I couldnít get it up to pentrate but brought something home. I came clean on that one couldíve lied. So basically I lied about sleeping with someone when we got back together. Then had another affair and lied about the second while she was going through the third. I also didnít come clean on what I was doing with the sister in law till Oct 2019. I felt I didnít have intent on sexual but I understand I was wrong touching or patting her butt. My wifeís tatated and hurt she has triggers, nightmares cryís all day and night. She lashes out at me and I say thing wrong sometimes. Just donít think.She says she canít wrap her head as to why I Lied For 38 year affair and not the other affair. She asks what was so special about her. How could I do this to her. How could I sleep with a friend and lie for 38 years and take her life, her choices basically ruined took the last 38 years. We had another son and she feels taken advantage of deceived, cheated out of leverything that happened in those 38 years. Everyday something new comes to mind that kills her.May 2019 Dday. Sheís in Therapy seems its not helping. She canít get pasted it. I told her I was ashamed and didn't want her to know she said thatís ridiculous and she wonít except that. She thinks its more then a one night stand. I told my wife I couldn't get off and neither did the woman she knew I wasnít into it. She asked if I wanted to stop I said yes. my mind wasnít there couldnít do it. She approached me again A week later I declined her offer. Wife say I should have been honest with her too and that hurts my wife too. Therapist says wife has blocked the girl from her memory for safety . Wife wants to talk to both woman now especially the friend. I only have a first name and I think the condo it been six months trying to find her. The other women was another state and donít know her last name. I love my wife and regret everything more then I can express And I will never leave her.But I donít know how to save us and get her back. I know she loves me too or she would have been gone but sheís dieing inside and Iím afraid I might Lose her. Please help me Iíve been a fool! She says sheís a fool and an idiot and I have taken everything from her. She says sheís has no past and not enough time to build a future much less heal or trust me again. She says sheís too old. She 62 Iím 65..?

[This message edited by Morris45 at 6:10 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 11/22/2019 11:03 AM

Morris,

I think EvolvingSoul really captured what your BW is going through.

Your second post begins to open the door on some of your wayward activities that seem to point to a lot more EA/PA stuff over the years.

Doesn't matter how long ago this happened for you. To your BW D-Day only just occurred. This is new and raw for her.

Read the posts on this site - you are going to have to work on a timeline, telling her the whole truth, answer any and all questions honestly. Maybe she will give you the gift of true Reconciliation, or she may tell you to leave, or she may simply settle with what it is and detach and live a life of misery.

Zugzwang posted 11/23/2019 15:49 PM

Perfect example why everyone who hasn't told should tell.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/2/2019 06:46 AM

Well, you're the rare person who has me beat for how long it took you to come clean. I had D-Day 2 at the 29 year mark, so I'm familiar with the problem of having forgotten important facts that my BH needs to know. I'm also familiar with how you can lie to yourself and really start believing those lies over time. Your stories of how she's got it all wrong, there's no "there" there with SIL, you couldn't penetrate the homeless girl (as if that makes it better somehow) -- these are classic minimizations. We minimize to make ourselves feel less guilty. In the rare case where the BS actually has a detail wrong, we seize on that with outrage and resentment, using that to justify other lies ("it's not like she even believes me now anyway").

So here's what you do, if you are serious about helping her heal, rather than just trying to make it all blow over (which is impossible, and the sooner you see that, the better).

1. Timeline. A written account of everything you remember in as much detail as you can remember. Don't bother lying, because of the next step.

2. Polygraph. Yes, you can find one, even if it's a long drive. If it's too expensive, sell something you care about to pay for it. They can't ask you very many questions, but one should be if you deliberately lied or omitted anything from the written timeline. Thinking about where I would be in trouble with this question really helped me face the lies I was telling myself.

Note that if you really have forgotten things, genuinely, the polygraph won't register that as a lie. I understand that there are things your BS needs to know that are truly gone. I have finally reached a point of absolute honesty with my BH. We went through every piece of source documentation from the A, and there were facts we both forgot that surprised us, things we were stunned we could have lost or suppressed from memory. Some of that is, unfortunately, inevitable, but the poly will help you sift the real forgetfulness from that which is convenient or strategic.

3. IC. There are reasons why you cheated. They are bad reasons, because there are no good ones, but they are there, and you need to confront them. It's not just about making an action plan, and it's definitely not about figuring out what to post here so that your BW will believe you "get it." You need to learn about yourself, why you thought you were entitled to have sexual contact with vulnerable women in bad situations (inappropriate even if you weren't married -- a drunk abuse victim and a homeless girl). IC is about becoming better than that for yourself.

Your marriage may not be salvageable. Some BS can't get past the WS's decision to steal their life choices. But how can you even ask for forgiveness if you're still actively stealing them? Your instincts are telling you to lie and minimize to make it easier, so there's less to get past. Your instincts suck. Mine did, too. Lying just adds to the mountain of shit you already have to shovel. Use every tool you have to force your head around to face that. It's always the hardest advice for WS to take, but the single best piece of advice that I can give.

Nolife posted 12/10/2019 21:27 PM

Your story sounds a lot like mine and my Ws I donít honestly know what to tell you other then the pain for the Bs is worst then death itself. We actually Think of sucide off and on.
I feel my life was taken from me my memories are shattered I felt imprisoned. The triggers and dreams remain awful itís like your caught in a torture chamber that is never ending.
I know it must be painful for the Ws if you really love your wife and are remorseful and want to truly help her. I know you must feel guilt and you were selfish and hurt from what you caused.
Just be there if nothing else, sit there when she hurts and love her when she needs a hug. Tell her you love her a million times a day. Tell her your the biggest jerk and fool that walked the earth as many times as it takes. Tell her you will not ever leave her that you will be there till the end of time loving her forever doing whatever it takes to make things right.
Pray together!
Be honest about everything.
Donít blame shift!
What that means is.. if you didnít do this I wouldnít have done that. If you didnít make me feel this or that way I wouldnít have done this. That stops the healing process and you stay in limbo.
Think about what you say before you say it because my husband said things that made it worst..
Things that came out of his mouth were awful there are tactful ways of getting your point across.. He really said things that are effecting us now that I canít seem to forgive him for.
I do love him more then life but the pain is awful.
My last Dday was June 2019 and it was the worst. My story is on here too. Just donít give up she going through so much suffering. Your gonna have to dig deep and hang in there because you really made some bad choices and itís gonna take a lot of love to change things and you stepping up to the plate. Oh and the anger comes and goes.

[This message edited by Nolife at 6:21 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

NotSureAboutIt posted 12/11/2019 17:41 PM

So 38 years ago your wife tells you that she doesnít love you. You separate because ďshe wanted to be able to sleep with whom ever she wished.Ē And you took her back? For her to now be upset at you for anything that happened when she was out sleeping with whomever she wished is astonishing.

LLXC posted 12/12/2019 15:22 PM

I didnít think she was serious so when she asked if I had been with anyone else I lied and said no.

I don't understand this logic. If you thought she wasn't serious about getting back together, if you thought your relationship was over, why wouldn't you be honest with her? What would you gain by lying?

I begged my wife to tell me what was wrong and all she said was she didnít love me and wanted to be able to date whom ever she wished

Did she tell you she didn't love you, or was that your interpretation of what she said? And again, if you were separated, and she said she wanted to sleep with others, why didn't you say so when you got back together?

I will never leave her.

That is very generous. Obviously you won't, or you would've done so by now. The question now is will she leave you? It is good you are being honest now, but it might be too late. And also, a grown man does not pat a grown woman's ass for non sexual reasons. Ever. Why wouldn't your wife think it was more? Even IF truly all you did was pat her on the ass it was sexual

survrus posted 12/12/2019 18:04 PM

Morris,

From your perspective the 38 years diminish what you did.

From your W perspective it multiplies what you did by 38 years of lying.

It also denied her the choice to leave you and reclaim her life.

Confess to the husband of the OW along with the other suggestions other posters have made.

Morris45 posted 12/13/2019 18:02 PM

To Notsureaboutit!
You need to reread the post!
I said she said she wanted to DATE whomever she wished.
She is not the one who slept around, that was me.

Morris45 posted 12/13/2019 20:30 PM

Reply to survrus:
The 38 years has not diminished my perspective of the devastation Iíve brought on my BS.
Also there was no husband of the OW.
I understand all too well the way it has effected my wife.

[This message edited by Morris45 at 8:36 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

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