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imgonnabeok posted 11/29/2019 10:45 AM

How does everyone deal with TT? I'm of the opinion that this is still lying. I've given her multiple times to come clean with everything. We are only about 6 weeks out from DD but at this point I feel like if I find something new out at this point I'm quitting. I've told her multiple times that if I catch her lying about anything at this point I'm done. Even if I ask her what she had for lunch and she says McDonalds and she had Burger King I'm out!

Oldwounds posted 11/29/2019 11:42 AM

TT is definitely still lying.

And at 6-weeks in, I didn't have all the truth despite my wife initially confessing to the A.

Our MC did great at keeping my wife accountable for her poor choices, but he did give her a tiny bit of wiggle room with TT. Most WS know they already something horrible and they feel like if they say one more bad truth, you're going to be done.

At some point, you have to draw that line that you're talking about.

My wife finally understood, I needed ALL of the time stolen away from me and our M had to be accounted for. I had to have the complete truth in order to know what I was being asked to try and accept (or not accept).

I'm not big on polygraph testing, but sometimes simply asking them to take such a test will bring more information out.

Ultimately, I've seen TT drag on and the more it does, the more damage is done to any chance for recovery.

It's your line, you need to set it and enforce it.

skerzoid posted 11/29/2019 12:31 PM

You are better off posting on one thread rather than several.

weddingbelle posted 11/30/2019 23:13 PM

Oh imgonnabeok, yes, it's lying! It's what they do. I'm almost 3 years from dday and seriously, he hasn't brought anything to the table. I found things 9 separate times after dday and he darvo'd me all of them until he couldn't. It took 15 months for him to begin to tell the truth. And that's WITH IC and MC. I'm so stuck I can't believe it. We're about to retire and I'm not sure I can do it financially without him. Take the advice I'm giving myself to see an attorney and at least know your options! I've heard it can be empowering! (((HUGS)))

TimeSpiral posted 12/1/2019 11:55 AM

It helps to start with the dispassionate and objective question - why are you getting TT? To answer that you need to look at where her TT is coming from, what is her motivation. It's going to be a mix, but parsing it out can help. It helped me.

If a therapist were to ask she might respond that she is sparing you the pain. This one is a complete bullshit answer but it's where you need to start because it's where she is starting. It's almost certainly the "why" she is telling herself. This one needs to be acknowledged and then thrown away.

The real why is one of control - she is controlling the outcome. The term "controlling the outcome" is frequently thrown around on SI, and from the name we've all got a general idea of what it means - she wants an outcome (for you to not say "I'm out"), and she thinks telling you the whole truth is so bad that you will take control and walk. To her mind, your being in control probably means you leaving her, but in any case it's taking the power to decide from her hands and putting it into your hands. Her panic "controlling the outcome" is out of fear, the fear of loosing the stability of her life and her loosing control of what her future looks like. From this perspective the TT is selfish and about her, it's not about you.

Unfortunately TT is damn near universal. No matter how much the BS insists that TT is destructive and they need the truth once and for all, the WS is equally insistent (internally) that it's too much to give to the BS. It's near impossible to convince a WS that it's time to give up the power, to "let go of the outcome", and to give the BS all the truth. Giving the BS all the truth also gives the BS all the power to make decisions for the future of the relationship. For anyone, that power shift would be scary as hell. But now that you are on the last straw, she needs to hear and understand that she's already lost the power to control the outcome. The only way to save things is to come clean, to give you everything, and then maybe with her love and support you will choose the outcome she desires.

Coming clean is also just really hard. To see your face as she tells painful truths is excruciating for her, and she will retreat from causing pain because it pains her. This retreat reinforces her initial "why", the notion of sparing you the pain. This is why a timeline is such a better way to go, have her write it all out and hand it to you. There are many here who can help explain how to do a timeline properly. In my case we didn't do a formal timeline but when the TT was at my breaking point (about 6 weeks out from dday) my wife wrote me a document of critical details that broke the TT logjam and that was instrumental to saving us.

Inhateeverything posted 12/1/2019 12:56 PM

I literally begged my wife for the truth over and over. Didnít stop her from lying and TTing. It took extreme measures to get the what I feel is 95% of the truth. Iím still pretty sure she is still lying to me. Itís what they do.

Evermore posted 12/1/2019 18:00 PM

TT was what ended us. I am 100% certain if he has been honest in the first couple weeks we would have made it.

At 18 months post D-Day he remembered a few minor things. In the grand scheme of things, they were pebbles in a sea of boulders. I had actually gotten over it, moved on as best you can, and was feeling good most days.

I realized we needed to re-time line, but also realized I just didnít have the energy to deal with it anymore. This coincided with him getting a gut wrenching medical diagnosis.

I left, but had he been honest early on I would have stayed.

Now he can whither away and die without me.

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